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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Dss wants to live here

70 replies

Vivienharmon · 15/02/2019 23:14

Nc for this. Dss (19) has decided he wants to live here with me and his dad. He was working but left due to “stress” and then quit college for the same reason. He wants to stay here full time,
I have told dh he needs to at least be looking for
Full time work or go back to college before he can stay in this house. Both my dc work and pay digs.

OP posts:

speakout · 16/02/2019 07:13

OP I take it you are trained in mental health support?

You worked through depession- so everyone else should?
Mental healh issues are widespread in young adults- a lot of it is so severe that it renders someone incapable of functioning, and tha includes being able to look for work.

You sound a bit unsupportive.
I would get your OH to encourage his son to visit his GP or a mental health team and tackle any issue he may have.

And I would give my 19 year old child a bed in any but the most extreme circumstances.

WinterfellWench · 16/02/2019 07:16

@VivienHarmon

I am on the fence here. On the one hand, I do know a few people with bone idle, directionless 16 to 21 y.o's, still living at home, who just can't be arsed and have no motivation to do anything. And they always cite stress and anxiety as an excuse to do anything (a few I know are even older - like mid 20's!) Doesn't stop them socialising with their mates, getting pissed every weekend, going on games consoles 5 hours a day, and watching netflix marathons. Most of them don't pay any rent or contribute ANYthing to the household.

Having 2 DC in their mid 20's, who have both been to uni, and got their degree, and now have partners who they live with (and have never lived at home since,) I can only IMAGINE what a PITA that must be.

I also agree that it's not fair to expect a child to just be a fully fledged adult at the age of 18, and make their own way in the world. It is hard, especially if you don't have a partner. (Having a partner halves living costs for a start!)

On the other hand OP, you REALLY sound like you don't like your stepson, and you don't want him there. AT ALL. Even if he got a job, you still wouldn't want him there. Reading between the lines, your posts are full of resentment for him. It doesn't sound like you 'love' him at all. Why pretend you do?

I guess this is the risk you take, starting a relationship with a man who has children. There is always a chance that they may want to come live with you. As a pp said, why shouldn't your partner shoulder some of the responsibility for HIS SON? The lad's mother has done HER fair share.

The lad living with you is a cross you will both have to bear. No reason at all for him to NOT live with you. I just hope your relationship survives it. Many don't. Many women who get with men with children, assume that those children will always live with their mother. Not always so. It is a massive culture shock when your partner's children come to live with you, and as a pp said, your partner will almost always put their children first. Before you, and before YOUR children.

Good luck. I don't envy you.

swingofthings · 16/02/2019 07:23

Where is he now and why suddenly wanting to move with you? If he is at his mum and she is giving him a hard time looking for work and therefore hope he won't get grief at yours, then it certainly isn't a good move.

I'm with you with the potential of him just not dealing with the demand of a job, especially if he's been used to being lazy most of his life so far and it's having to step up that is 'stressing' him. At the same time, he could be clinically depressed and this would make it hard for him to find the strength to look for work and pressure to do is likely to only make him worse. How long has he been on anti depressants?

What does you oh thinks and what does he believe is causing the depression? I personally wouldn't agree to anything until having opened discussions with him and get clarity as to what he plans to do. If he says that he is struggling right now but plan is to get counselling, volunteer and start with a PT job, you might want to give him a chance. If he gets defensive, says that everyone is having a go at him, that he just need people to live in peace and that playing the xbox until 4am is therapeutic, I'd be concerned to let him live with you.

Surfskatefamily · 16/02/2019 07:27

Do you think part time would suffice for a start? At least then he can contribute but also spend some time de-stressing.

Onlyjoinedforthisthread · 16/02/2019 07:37

Think if I were advising your husband if say LTB
You come across as uncaring, selfish and crude.
Who the hell ever plays mental health, depression top trumps?

anniehm · 16/02/2019 07:42

Seems fair enough - despite being on anti anxiety meds and being asd I gave my dd 2 months to find a job after leaving college, when she hadn't I took her to the job centre whose staff were so scary she found a job the next day rather than have to go back the following week for her assessment for esa (proving she didn't need it but she was refused uc due to her autism and not being work ready). There's jobs out there, even part time if you are willing to find them.

Eliza9917 · 16/02/2019 07:51

Presumably if he's given up college, and given up his job, he's no longer stressed.

What's he got to be stressed about?

He can look for another less stressful job/position. If he doesn't want to go to college then I'd insist on an apprenticeship so he learns a trade instead. Then he can move in.

pictish · 16/02/2019 07:59

You wouldn’t kick your own kids out for not paying digs...don’t give us it.
Whatever is going on here, don’t kid yourself on that front. If your kids didn’t seem to be coping or progressing in their newly adult lives at 19, you certainly would not put them out to fend for themselves. It so happens that your lot have got themselves sorted out and are doing you proud, so that’s great...but please don’t tell us rubbish about how they would have to find somewhere else to live. Not true.

19 is not a ‘grown man’ and I really wish mnetters would stop pedalling this out as if it means anything. 19 will often be a stupid kid with adult rights and that’s all. Some have it sussed by 19, many don’t.

MerQueennotMaid · 16/02/2019 09:13

He needs to work and love a normal life. Stress is not a good enough reason to drop out of life. I’d say he can’t move in until he’s been to the doctors and is getting help. He need to show he’s motivated to overcome his stress.

BagpussAteMyHomework · 16/02/2019 09:26

The OP has already said he’s on medication.

Catamaran1 · 16/02/2019 09:41

Op said at 23.21 that her dss is on medication for depression.

frazzledasarock · 16/02/2019 09:50

I don’t think you’re unreasonable wanting him to be working or studying.

Otherwise what will he do all day?

Sleep till noon and wait for you to cook his meals each day? Generate extra mess and stress (for you)?

At 19 he is old enough to take responsibility for himself. And if he wants to live with you he needs to have a means to ensure he won’t be adding extra burden on to you.

I do think the person who is in the house more and does the majority of the cooking and cleaning who will be most affected by the extra person should be able to have rules in place for additional people joining the household.

I had ex nephew in law stay with us that age (didn’t work and studied part time), and I was expected to cook three meals a day for him and take care of two under two and work. And it was very stressfully for me. So I wouldn’t say yes to this at all.

19 is not a helpless child.

ThreeAnkleBiters · 16/02/2019 09:53

You come across like you really hate DSS and have no compassion for him at all!

MeetJoeTurquoise · 16/02/2019 10:05

Now I'm not averse to a good swear but describing your step son's bed as a wanking chariot is just distasteful.

Unless you're a qualified professional able to diagnose mental health illnesses then I'm not sure you're best qualified to say how he moves forwards in his life.

KTheGrey · 16/02/2019 10:55

He's an adult. He can stay where his drama llama mama will enable him, or he sort himself out and move in with you and his dad. Or he can strike out on his own. But if he doesn't want to sort himself out, he needs to stay with his enabling mother. I think you are reasonable and sensible; there's no point his just moving his pattern of not addressing his problems to your house.

Eliza9917 · 16/02/2019 13:14

It's very odd a lot of posters saying he's still essentially a child. When posts come up about 18/19yr old girls having kids etc we all get told they are grown women, they aren't girls, they are adults etc.

Double standards, much?

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 16/02/2019 13:20

19 yo to me is still a teenager, and more often than not teenagers need support. I’d say that whether a boy or a girl Eliza. Posters probably feel one way or the other. Mn isn’t a united mass.

pregnantforever · 16/02/2019 13:29

Oh my god op you sound so supportive.
He's so lucky to have you

cstaff · 16/02/2019 13:48

Stepmums on here don't stand a chance. They can't do right for doing wrong. They mother too much and want to take over - who do they think they are. These kids have their own mum's.

If they don't get involved enough they are the evil stepmother who must hate her stepchildren.

It is one extreme or another. There is no middle ground on here.

formerbabe · 16/02/2019 13:51

I wouldn't find it acceptable for him to live anywhere without a clear plan or something to do be it work or study.

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