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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dss wants to live here

70 replies

Vivienharmon · 15/02/2019 23:14

Nc for this. Dss (19) has decided he wants to live here with me and his dad. He was working but left due to “stress” and then quit college for the same reason. He wants to stay here full time,
I have told dh he needs to at least be looking for
Full time work or go back to college before he can stay in this house. Both my dc work and pay digs.

OP posts:
MostlyBoastly · 15/02/2019 23:47

Do you love your DSS, OP?

Original poster
Vivienharmon · 15/02/2019 23:54

Love my dds, my dsd and my dss to the moon and back but they all know they have to earn their keep!

OP posts:
Lovingbenidorm · 15/02/2019 23:56

Op YANBU at all.
We all like to support our children/stepchildren but they (if adults) really have to make some effort too.
Ie work, study, looking for work etc otherwise it’s just taking the piss
“Wank chariot” brilliant 😂

MostlyBoastly · 15/02/2019 23:57

Yeah I can see why you don’t want to enable him to give up and retreat. Makes sense. But, if he really does maintain that he’s too ill to work, what then? Back to mum?

SpiritedLondon · 15/02/2019 23:58

While is it the mothers responsibility to deal with it? Perhaps it’s time your DP took over.

coolwalking · 16/02/2019 00:00

agree with @GreenTulips

At that age they should be wanting to stand on their own two feet. Life is stressful. Sooner they realise this and learn to manage their MH issues alongside life the better.

TedAndLola · 16/02/2019 00:12

You won't win on this one on MN by the way - stepmothers have all care and responsibility for making sure that DSCs are treated with kid gloves but should not expect any control over how they are treated (even in their own homes) or thanks for doing it - and whatever they do it will never be enough.

Some stepmothers on Mumsnet like to convince themselves there's a conspiracy of hatred rather than admit they're terrible people.

Marcipex · 16/02/2019 00:12

Why must the Op like him? just wondering.
I wonder why he prefers your house to his mothers. Is it warmer, fridge better stocked, Sky, free wifi?
I completely agree with you btw. He must look for work, he can't expect to freeload indefinitely.

Chloemol · 16/02/2019 00:15

I wouldn’t normally post but wow you really are coming across as a spiteful stepmother. ( and mother if you really would kick your kids out if they didn’t have a job etc, would you really let them be homeless?). He may have mh issues that he needs support with, and surely you would wish to support your partners children? Would you expect support from him in some way if your child was ill? You need to take a long hard look at yourself and start to be kinder. A child is for life, however old they are they need to feel they have parents support

AstralTraveller · 16/02/2019 00:25

He's an adult. Why does he want to move in? Can't he get a place of his own like an adult?

MissLanesAmericanCousin · 16/02/2019 00:30

This post comes off so......what is the word I'm looking for?

RedHatsDoNotSuitMe · 16/02/2019 00:33

He's only JUST an adult though, Astral. I left home and went back several times in my teens and early twenties. I always worked, but was sometimes between houses. Once or twice because I was broken hearted. Being a parent doesn't stop because your kid turns 18.

I can't imagine ever turning my back on my DD just because she was an adult.

And even now - approaching 50 - if my life turned tits up, I'd probably go to my mum's.

The DS isn't wrong to expect his DDad to be there for him.

That's not to say the OP isn't right to expect him to look for work/contribute.

Asta19 · 16/02/2019 00:38

Ah good old MN where 18 equals adult, move out, get your own place etc,. All parental responsibility stops at 18 apparently. Pretty sad attitude IMO. Newsflash, kids mature at different speeds. My DD moved out at 19. It was a disaster and I was happy to have her back because i’m not a selfish bitch.

OP. I would be first questioning this stress. Where has it come from? Has he been to his GP? Is there a plan to tackle it? If it is not genuine, then yes, you have every right to insist he is doing something constructive with his time. If it is genuine, then what is the long term plan? You are not unreasonable to not accept him being uttterly directionless. But if he genuinely does have issues then it is unreasonable not to tackle them first.

GunpowderGelatine · 16/02/2019 01:36

I know in MN-land step parents have to practically move out the country if their step children say so, and step parents must love them as much if not more than their own DC, but IRL it's not quite like that. All this "what if yours had nowhere else to go?" - well I'm assuming the SS DOES have somewhere else to live?! Is there even room for him OP? Can't say I'd want an adult moving in with me who seemingly is a bit lazy based on your posts.

Wanking chariot made me LOL

BusySnipingOnCallOfDuty · 16/02/2019 01:41

There may be an underlying cause for this. He might be struggling academically but feel unable to say so. Let him move in, but try gently to get to the bottom of it. He could at least try and claim some.benefiys and pay some housekeeping.

Many kids his age are having breakdowns and struggling with the current economic climate and where they fit into it all.

Give him.a chance but under strict rules

Interceptor999 · 16/02/2019 02:12

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

PutyourtoponTrevor · 16/02/2019 05:49

Sounds like mum's had enough of her son lying around being a waste of space so son now wants to give it a try at dads.

Set some rules OP, let him stay and if he doesn't pull his weight/pay his way, then off he goes back to mums.

OP isn't evil or nasty, she just doesn't want a grown man slobbing about her house, whether it's one of her own or not. Her kids pay their way, so can this one

monal · 16/02/2019 05:59

Have you considered taking him into the forest to cut wood and abandoning him there?

Glitterbaby17 · 16/02/2019 06:07

For goodness sake the DSS is an adult. By ‘stress’ in inverted commas I’m presuming it’s his words and not a diagnosed mental health issue.

I would also want clear boundaries, for my DD or my DSD. Not because I don’t love them and want to support them but because part of your job as a parent is supporting them towards adulthood (which doesn’t happen overnight at 18)

If the stress isn’t diagnosed I’d want him to see a GP or counsellor and get some strategies for managing it. Then I’d want him looking for another study option, or working or volunteering or doing work experience or something. While he was setting that up pulling his weight and cooking a meal or two etc

I think the big one for me is whether or not there is room - at 19 he will need his own space etc

JenniferJareau · 16/02/2019 06:11

Is he stressed OP or can't be arsed?

HaventGotAllDay · 16/02/2019 06:20

What does his father say? How much has his father been present in his life?
Because "nerr nerr I'm moving in with my dad" is a common enough retort when things aren't going well with Mums.
Grass being greener and all that. And unlike to be quite so green once you get there.

It's not a dss v dsm thing either, despite MN thinking it is. You can have crappy obnoxious adult stepkids and be a crappy obnoxious stepmother too. The two aren't mutually exclusive.

You do come across as unpleasant. He sounds like he's immature and taking everyone for a ride.

sandgrown · 16/02/2019 06:29

My DSS came to us at a similar age having failed his GCSEs and dropped out of a gas fitting course. He was getting into trouble and more to the point his mother ,who had not worked for years, could no longer claim benefit for him!
It was made clear he had to look for work and contribute as we still had a young child as well. He had a physical medical condition we were unaware of which we supported him to get sorted but it did not affect him working. I helped him to actively seek work and one temporary job led to full time work and he has now gone up the ranks and owns his own home.
He always paid something from his earnings we even made him pay £5 a week when he was on benefit . He also had a few household tasks to do.

FiveRedBricks · 16/02/2019 06:32

No keep (or job hunting/education) no roof OP. Even my husband follows that and my kids will too. Being a lazy idle teen does not = stressed. He's trying it on.

JenniferJareau · 16/02/2019 06:34

You don't sound unpleasant op, just practical. At his age, barring extenuating circumstances, he should be in full time education or working. If he works he contributes to the household and has some chores.

Cheby · 16/02/2019 06:41

YANBU OP. Yes he can come and live with you (if you have room), but same rules apply to him as everyone else. He needs to contribute to the household. And I wouldnt let let him move in until he had actually started work.

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