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Original poster

To want to cancel our romantic getaway?

69 replies

oreoxoreo · 15/02/2019 11:23

Need to resolve this quickly.

Months ago boyfriend and I booked flights for a short weekend away in the end of February, our first one as I don't normally have overnight childcare for my DC.
We agreed at the time that I pay for flights (£200) and he pays for the hotel (£200) and the rest is split 50/50.

Normally a much higher earner than me, he had an unexpected gap of unemployment just now. He is back to work now but will not get paid until next month. As it stands now he is totally skint. Nevertheless, he is adamant he will get his share of money somehow (borrow from family? friends?) and we are still going.

I am not loaded either, I suppose I could pay with my credit card and ask him to pay back his share later. I am not sure though if I want to be doing this?

Generally, he is not great in his financial planning/affairs, and whilst generous (when he has the money), in my view had he planned well enough he would have had much better provisions (I even offered to earn some money on his behalf for this trip if he had invested a little money, whilst he still had it - he wasn't organised enough to take upon it and now it is too late).

What do I do? If we don't go I will lose £200 on flights. If we go, he might come up with some (borrowed) funds, but more likely I would have to pay £400 for hotel and things and then wait until he is sorted enough to pay me back.

As I said the opportunities for a getaway are not frequent. I know he also doesn't feel great about it, but it is partially his own character flaw too. I love him and I want support when I can but is this one step too much?

Thank you.

OP posts:
Grace212 · 15/02/2019 11:26

why can't he put it on his credit card?

Original poster
oreoxoreo · 15/02/2019 11:27

@Grace212 he maxed out his credit cards already.

OP posts:
Sukochicha · 15/02/2019 11:28

Can't he put the hotel on a credit card?

I would go, as long as he has a CC or the cash to pay for hotel. You can do cheap things and eat cheaply whilst you are there. Still be nice to have a break.

Sukochicha · 15/02/2019 11:28

x post with the cc max out

PBobs · 15/02/2019 11:30

Will his first pay cheque pay off the cc debt and the holiday? If not it seems tough to say it would be a good idea.

PBo83 · 15/02/2019 11:31

If, historically, he has always been generous and he is now back in a good paying job then I don't see why would wouldn't want to lend him the money (particularly if the option is to lose whatever you have already paid).

I'd actually consider whether, if he has been generous and paid for things in the past, you can afford to pay for the hotel too and dress it up a 'congratulations' gift for him getting a new job.

Uggywuggy · 15/02/2019 11:33

Is he reliable with paying you back? If not, definitely cancel.

I think it sounds like you can’t really afford it though so will you really enjoy it? I’d leave it until another time. He needs to learn consequences for not saving too - don’t prop him up!!

Grace212 · 15/02/2019 11:33

I wouldn't go near someone who was really bad financially as you said in your OP....now you've said his credit cards are maxed out in spite of earning more than you...

I think don't go unless he can get his share loaned by someone. I understand you don't want to lose cash already spent, but I would also think hard about a future with someone like this.

Alsohuman · 15/02/2019 11:35

I'd sooner risk paying for the hotel than write off £200 I'd already spent.

burritofan · 15/02/2019 11:36

I wouldn't go.

Cancel = lost £200. (Can you get any back, even just the taxes?)

Go = potentially lost £400+, what with the interest when he doesn't pay you back, spending money for both of you because he has none, you paying for airport transfers, etc.

Were his credit cards already maxed out or did he use them just during this unemployment blip?

Ellisandra · 15/02/2019 11:36

I know you love him and you’ll think I’m quick to say LTB, but...
Long term, a man who can’t sort his own money out wouldn’t be for me. Apart from the irritation of it, I wouldn’t respect him.

If you go, absolutely do NOT pay for anything more than your half. You shouldn’t even be thinking about paying his share - his problem. If he can’t afford, go with a friend.

Ellisandra · 15/02/2019 11:37

As to whether or not to go...
Hell yes!
Bring a friend, go on your own. You have rare child free time - make the most of it!

NorthEndGal · 15/02/2019 11:37

So not only can he not afford the trip, he can't afford his cc debt either.
He will need money to live on, money to pay off his debt, and money for savings, before he has money for vacation.
I'd say bite the 200, if he has any thing about him, he'd offer to pay you half it when he can.
Then when you can both afford to go for real, do it, and enjoy it for what it should be, a break, not a stressor

Ellisandra · 15/02/2019 11:40

Oh and if you don’t go because he can’t afford it, fuck you losing £200 - he should pay you back.

He’s said he will get the money though - so just trust him. Not your problem if he has to borrow it. He sounds like an easy come easy go type chancer (would drive me nuts!) so just leave him to it.

Enjoy the weekend, don’t pay any more than your share, do not become Bank of Girlfriend. And really think how much you want this in your life!

Grace212 · 15/02/2019 11:42

he should def be offering to pay his share of loss after cancelling for sure

the thing about unemployment blips, if you don't earn enough to plan for them, that's one thing. But it sounds as if he does earn enough to plan.

Alsohuman · 15/02/2019 11:43

Don't budget airlines charge the earth to change the name on a flight? If you go alone it will cost the same as if he went. Looks as if you'd lost at least £200 whatever you do. Now that would really piss me off!

JingsMahBucket · 15/02/2019 11:43

How old are both of you? If he’s doing this as a 30+ person then it’s worrying. Also, are the cards maxed due to unemployment or regular usage?

KC225 · 15/02/2019 11:47

If you have childcare and are looking forward to it - let him borrow the money from family and friends as he has said he will do. Stress that you earn less than he does and have a child (children) so putting it in your card would be a last resort.

His old is this man? You say you booked the trip months ago - I would be reluctant to get serious with a man so financially casual.

Dowser · 15/02/2019 11:48

In future...rather than one pay for one item ie flights and the other pay for hotel..why not just go 50/50
Well that’s how we do things
Then we have a communal purse or cc and anything that goes on that is split 50/50

Too late now but I’m cautious Kate, I wouldn’t chuck more good money after bad.

Original poster
oreoxoreo · 15/02/2019 11:51

Great to hear your pointers, all of yours. I really appreciate.

He maxed out his CC whilst unemployed and had to borrow some. In fact I already lent him money for his rent. To be clear, this is the first time lending him in 2.5 years together. And to be fair, there were a couple of times in 2.5 years together where I was struggling and he was prepare to give/lend me money at that point.

I do trust he will pay me back the rent in a couple of months.

What frustrates me that he has some assets he could have sold (and planning to sell) but due to being disorganized hasn't done so.. and now depends on friends/family.

In one way, I am happy to support and I absolutely would if it was my mum/sister/family member as I know the struggle is temporary and the money will be earned/repaid. On the other hand I don't want to be a girlfriend/bank - I am a single mum with a smaller income after all.

Not sure if it is worthwhile doing it just once... and never again.

OP posts:
Grace212 · 15/02/2019 11:54

"In fact I already lent him money for his rent"

I had a feeling you were going to say something like that.

I think, unless your finances can take the hit and you feel it is worth a last weekend, don't go. But if you do go, be prepared to be owed that money as well as the other money he owes.

by "never again" do you mean break up with him? I think you have to.

Original poster
oreoxoreo · 15/02/2019 11:55

Well he is 44.. I am 40. Again this is the first time in 2.5 years he is that skint. And he is adamant he will get the money and we are still going. I pre-booked the hotel (not paid) and can still cancel it. I badly wanted to go, going on my own does not make any cheaper.

OP posts:
BeanTownNancy · 15/02/2019 11:56

I'd sooner risk paying for the hotel than write off £200 I'd already spent

100%. As long as it wouldn't put me in severe financial difficulties, I'd rather spend £500 on a trip I enjoyed and have good memories of than write off £200 on principle. It's not a waste if you have a good time, even if it cost more than you expected.

DowntonCrabby · 15/02/2019 11:57

Tell him he needs to find the money £200 plus 1/2 of other likely expenses or you’ll have to can’t as you can’t afford to be out of pocket.

I imagine he will be able to come up with it, like you say- family/friends if he knows the alternative is cancelling. He sounds like he’ll be fine for the money soon and if usually generous family/friends will know his history.

Absolutely don’t fund it yourself though, regardless of how generous he usually is/the fact he’ll be earning again soon.

I have to agree with @ellisandra that I couldn’t be in a relationship with someone with such different financial values/behaviours to myself. Protect yourself very carefully for the future if it’s going to be a LTR.

Have a great trip if you do go Smile

Original poster
oreoxoreo · 15/02/2019 11:57

@Grace212 not meaning to break up.
By the way we went to holiday last year (with my DC) and we both paid 50/50 , there wasn't any issue when he had had the money.

OP posts: