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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to cancel our romantic getaway?

69 replies

oreoxoreo · 15/02/2019 11:23

Need to resolve this quickly.

Months ago boyfriend and I booked flights for a short weekend away in the end of February, our first one as I don't normally have overnight childcare for my DC.
We agreed at the time that I pay for flights (£200) and he pays for the hotel (£200) and the rest is split 50/50.

Normally a much higher earner than me, he had an unexpected gap of unemployment just now. He is back to work now but will not get paid until next month. As it stands now he is totally skint. Nevertheless, he is adamant he will get his share of money somehow (borrow from family? friends?) and we are still going.

I am not loaded either, I suppose I could pay with my credit card and ask him to pay back his share later. I am not sure though if I want to be doing this?

Generally, he is not great in his financial planning/affairs, and whilst generous (when he has the money), in my view had he planned well enough he would have had much better provisions (I even offered to earn some money on his behalf for this trip if he had invested a little money, whilst he still had it - he wasn't organised enough to take upon it and now it is too late).

What do I do? If we don't go I will lose £200 on flights. If we go, he might come up with some (borrowed) funds, but more likely I would have to pay £400 for hotel and things and then wait until he is sorted enough to pay me back.

As I said the opportunities for a getaway are not frequent. I know he also doesn't feel great about it, but it is partially his own character flaw too. I love him and I want support when I can but is this one step too much?

Thank you.

OP posts:

allwaystuckin · 15/02/2019 11:57

Tbh I definitely wouldn't pay. Maybe go but with a friend if you still want to go. Mixing financial matters into a " dating" situation is never going to end well. May even end on judge Rinder if you separate and it's not paid back before as his track record with money is terrible!

RestingBitchFaced · 15/02/2019 11:59

If he's got thing to sell to get money but left it too late then get these things sold asap after you get back so he can get you the money back sooner

Antonin · 15/02/2019 11:59

You need to weigh up the options OP.
Will you be really disappointed to miss this holiday?
Will it grate that if you have to financially struggle for a few weeks?
Will it mean you can’t really enjoy yourselves on holiday because you have to watch the pennies?
Will he resent having to ask you to fork out for food/wine etc when you’re out?

PBo83 · 15/02/2019 12:00

I commented further up but I'll follow up with my experience.

For the first few years of my relationship with my now-wife, I was running a successful business which bought in a decent amount of disposable income (not a brag as you will find out). I regularly paid for weekends away, hotels, meals out etc. I never worried about splitting stuff and this wasn't because of some 'macho' agenda or because I was being a patronising mysoginist, it was because I loved spending time away with her, she was so supportive of me and, to be honest, the money was hugely secondary to that.

Fast forward to last year. Business went under and I returned to my previous line of work which was much lower paid (I'm sure I'll rebuild in time but, for the moment, I have rent to pay and my wife and stepdaughter to support). We really wanted to go away for new year (stepdaughter's dad had her overnight so a rare chance to go away alone) but, naturally, I couldn't just pay for it as I would have done.

Come Christmas, my wife surprises me with a homemade voucher saying that she'd booked us a hotel for the evening (nothing fancy) and we were going for dinner on NYE. I can honestly say that I cried as it was the most thoughtful thing she could have done.

This is the reason for my earlier post. If, like you said in your first post, he has always been generous in the past (when he's had money). Consider if, as a one off, you can cover his half and dress is as a 'congratulations on your new job' trip.

It's just a thought but it might mean the world to him, particularly if it was something you were both really looking forward to and you get to spend some valuable time together.

SpanielEars070 · 15/02/2019 12:01

It's not just the £200 for the hotel though, is it? We took our 2 DDs on a city break and spent around £600 in 3 days on food, taxis, drinks, and other little thingss that wasn't being overly extravagant either.

I would delay it, sorry given that he already owes you his rent. Going into debt for a weekend away isn't very smart, and will you enjoy it if you're constantly worrying about spending more money?

TheTitOfTheIceberg · 15/02/2019 12:05

As long as it wouldn't put me in severe financial difficulties, I'd rather spend £500 on a trip I enjoyed and have good memories of than write off £200 on principle. It's not a waste if you have a good time, even if it cost more than you expected.

This for me too. Obviously if paying for the trip would put you into debt then it's a no-brainer to cancel and write off the £200. But if you can otherwise afford it, I'd see it as part of the give and take, ebb and flow of a relationship.

Bluntness100 · 15/02/2019 12:06

I think it's a bit odd that you've been happy to borrow from him in thr past, you know it's a temp blip and you'll get thr money back, and claim to love him, but don't want to lend him the money this time..that's generally not the sign of someone in love. It's not like he has a history of this.

redandyellowandpinkandgreen99 · 15/02/2019 12:07

Cancel.

I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone who earns more than me and expects me to pay half anyway, and who has 'maxed out their credit cards..' Who DOES that? Someone who is an overspender that's who!

NannyRed · 15/02/2019 12:08

Would a cheaper weekend away work? There are some lovely places in the uk (Bath, Wales, York etc)

You have childcare in place, so enjoy some quality time together.

Look at air bnb too.

I hope you do get to enjoy some time together.

Original poster

oreoxoreo · 15/02/2019 12:09

Thank you again. Well it is for Barcelona.We need £200 for the hotel and at least £200 for everything else. I would expect him to have £300 ready.

@PBo83 that's a great gesture from your wife. If I had the funds, why not.. but I am a bit in a struggle myself. Of course eventually I would pay back CC, and boyfriend will pay back the rent. But in the meatime it is a struggle.

OP posts:

Original poster

oreoxoreo · 15/02/2019 12:11

@Bluntness100 I never borrowed, he just offered if I needed to.

OP posts:

caringcarer · 15/02/2019 12:12

Go with a friend who can afford to pay their own way.

Grace212 · 15/02/2019 12:14

@Bluntness100

OP said he has a history of overspending.

Original poster

oreoxoreo · 15/02/2019 12:15

@caringcarer not able to find a friend that quickly and changing names of budget flights is expensive.

OP posts:

SpiritedLondon · 15/02/2019 12:15

Do you actually like this person? What would he do under the circumstances? I can’t imagine being in this situation and Cancelling the trip as some kind of life lesson - how demeaning. If you don’t trust him and think he’s financially irresponsible then don’t be with him.

Deadringer · 15/02/2019 12:19

I would let him come up with the funds whatever way he wants, and I would go and have a good time. But I would be very wary of a long term relationship with someone like this, I would find it stressful tbh.

TheClitterati · 15/02/2019 12:22

If he's not good with finances I would avoid any financial entanglement. It will just lead to a nightmare scenario that you don't want. If he can find a way to cover the cost of the hotel then go, but I would avoid subbing him and bringing that kind of financial stress into your relationship.

PBo83 · 15/02/2019 12:24

Sorry to keep posting but I think this is important.

Can I strongly recommend that, assuming you do love this guy and want to maintain your relationship, that you don't follow the 'take a friend' instead route.

Put yourself in his shoes, he's historically be fairly generous, is a bit down on his luck and has been looking forward to romantic getaway with you. Now tell him that, because he's been unlucky and lost his job, that you're now taking a friend on said romantic getaway.

If you can't (or even don't want to) pay for him then that's understandable but don't replace him with a friend because of something he is probably already very sensitive about.

Original poster

oreoxoreo · 15/02/2019 12:25

@SpiritedLondon it is not a life lesson. I need to think of myself and my own DC and how will we survive financially. Putting the trip on my CC would be extra interest cost and extra stress for me - nothing to do with life lessons.

I've given him a couple of days ... to make sure he has the funds prior. If not I will have to cancel the hotel. The trip is worth it, but the stress probably not.

Yes and I need to think how he handles his finances. We have been always independent up to now. It will really show how and when he will pay me his rent back.

OP posts:

plattercake · 15/02/2019 12:28

I think in this case, if you can still stand to be around him, I would let him borrow the £300 from someone else (with a deadline to get it and prove it by) then have the weekend away. Don't lend it to him yourself.

Then when you are back have the serious chat about money and attitudes and he needs to get his act together if he is considering any role as a step parent.

If he cannot do come up with the money, then he has to face up to the fact that he has let you down, and accept the consequences. (I'd be really pissed off - the unemployment is a red herring if he is usually well paid) Give and take is all well and good, but not if he always gets away with being a bit crap with money. Time to grow up.

HellonHeels · 15/02/2019 12:28

If he's maxed out his credit cards I think you are too financially vulnerable to go on this holiday and rack up more debt. Who made the CC payments while he was unemployed? (I hope the minimum payments have been met?)

If he's a higher earner he should not have any cc debt.

I'd suggest a staycation and try to get some money back on the fares.

Original poster

oreoxoreo · 15/02/2019 12:28

@PBo83 - I agree.

OP posts:

plattercake · 15/02/2019 12:29

Cross post OP, sorry! Internet is slow!!

Really hope he comes up with the goods

Tinty · 15/02/2019 12:33

By the way we went to holiday last year (with my DC) and we both paid 50/50 , there wasn't any issue when he had had the money.

Did he literally pay 50% of the holiday? Because if he did when you took your DC, then he has paid more than his share.

If he did and has been generous in the past, then maybe pay for this (and he pays you back), but if he is not good with money at 44, don't move in and join finances with him unless you can afford to support all of you.

speakout · 15/02/2019 12:35

Neither of you can afford this holiday.

Fo me knowing that we couldn't afford to go/ credit cards maxed out/ borrowing money from family would take all teh romance out of a "romantic" getaway.

He needs to get his house in order.

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