To want to cancel our romantic getaway?

[oreoxoreo]

Need to resolve this quickly.

Months ago boyfriend and I booked flights for a short weekend away in the end of February, our first one as I don't normally have overnight childcare for my DC.
We agreed at the time that I pay for flights (£200) and he pays for the hotel (£200) and the rest is split 50/50.

Normally a much higher earner than me, he had an unexpected gap of unemployment just now. He is back to work now but will not get paid until next month. As it stands now he is totally skint. Nevertheless, he is adamant he will get his share of money somehow (borrow from family? friends?) and we are still going.

I am not loaded either, I suppose I could pay with my credit card and ask him to pay back his share later. I am not sure though if I want to be doing this?

Generally, he is not great in his financial planning/affairs, and whilst generous (when he has the money), in my view had he planned well enough he would have had much better provisions (I even offered to earn some money on his behalf for this trip if he had invested a little money, whilst he still had it - he wasn't organised enough to take upon it and now it is too late).

What do I do? If we don't go I will lose £200 on flights. If we go, he might come up with some (borrowed) funds, but more likely I would have to pay £400 for hotel and things and then wait until he is sorted enough to pay me back.

As I said the opportunities for a getaway are not frequent. I know he also doesn't feel great about it, but it is partially his own character flaw too. I love him and I want support when I can but is this one step too much?

Thank you.

How does going on your own not make it any cheaper?
You can get a hostel room for £18 a night (plenty of availability - I checked Fri 22nd/Sat 23rd as you said weekend end of Feb).
So yes, you can enjoy a break on your own.

I noticed that Barcelona travelodge for the same dates is £150 - so even if you are both going, you can definitely spend less than £200.

You say about doing it just this one time - but it’s alresdy the second time and you’ve paid his rent for him. The rent needs to be your just one time.

If this was a one off because of his employment I’d happily sub a boyfriend. It’s not though - you said he’s an over spender.

Let him find the money elsewhere.
And change your hotel for cheaper.
And make sure he pays back the saving to you as you’ve already paid for the flights.
And don’t pay any more than half whilst you’re there.
And don’t lend him money again.
And think very carefully if that’s what you want in a partner - in my own experience, I couldn’t respect someone who didn’t have financial control. Date a man not a child!

Doesn't sound like either of you can afford this holiday. Cancel it. Get some savings behind you both. Tell your partner to clear his maxed out credit cards before you decide to book another holiday

What has this spendthrift spent all his money on, where has it all gone?. You cannot and must not bail him out at all, let alone repeatedly. His financial problems should not be yours to burden yourself further with.

I disagree with comments about him being generous when he has money being a positive.

That’s not generosity, that’s profligacy. And profligacy is not a good thing.

If I understand correctly, he’s a much higher earner than you, with a history of over spending. He’s had a short period of unemployment and is broke. Because he had already had credit card debt - and pretty close to max already if it’s not max AND you’ve paid his rent.

So when he was busy being “generous” in the past, he was already happily not paying off debt. And then of course the inevitable happens.

“Generous” when it’s just bad money management counts for nothing with me.

I wouldn't necessarily replace him with a friend, but mainly because he needs to see that letting you down has consequences. Even if a friend can go in his place, he needs to know that this could and should have been avoided.

He might be sensitive, but you have feelings too. Why make it easier for him? What is he doing to make it easier for you? Fairs fair.

@oreoxoreo You've told two stories here - is he bad with money, or is usually generous?

I'm with @Bluntness100 that it seems odd that you've borrowed money from him (even if you didn't ask him), and he usually pays 50%, and he's fallen on tough times but does have a job now and you don't want to help him out.

If he's crap with money, bail. If you just don't want to go on holiday with him, this is probably over for you.

I think you need to give him a chance to put the funds together. At least for as long as you can still cancel the hotel without penalty. If he hasn't asked you to lend him the money, don't volunteer!

You say you love him and want to support him but then your later posts contradict that statement. You don't want to be a bank/girlfriend and if he can't find the funds elsewhere you will cancel the hotel. You say he's never needed your financial help before (apart from rent linked to recent job loss) and has happily offered to lend/give you funds previously when you have been short (even though you didn't take him up on it). He has assets he can sell if necessary to pay you back and will be ok financially once his wages come through. Personally I don't see the issue with a short-term loan in these circumstances and as you say you rarely have overnight childcare and you really want to go to Barcelona then go, and have a fabulous time sipping sangria on Las Ramblas! Do you think he would help you out if the situation were reversed? As past behaviour is the best predictor of future behaviour then the answer would probably be yes wouldn't it?

I am glad I've asked on MN. Lots of valuable thoughts.

@oreoxoreo Someone asked upthread but I don't think you answered - when you went on holiday with your DD last year, did you actually split it 50/50 or did you pay 66/34?

@ShatnersWig does it matter? probably more like 60/40 (me/him)

It matters because if it was 50/50 he subsidised your kids' holiday.

But if he's the higher earner (to those scrutinising the OP's previous trips) should he not pay proportionately more anyway?

No, because he’s just a boyfriend, not a committed cohabiting part of her family.

(but you’ll get other opinions on that 🤣)

Why? They’re not his children.

Even taking dc out of the equation, if he earns more then surely his % contribution should be higher? I'm sure the Op is quite happy to pay for her own dc. But regardless, this aside is not really the point is it?

So, when you go out for a meal, you all pay according to who earns most? Family finances may work that way, most shared expenses don't.

Sometimes he pays more, sometimes he pays all, sometimes I take him out and pay for all of is, it is all balanced and we have no problem with this.
In terms of our last holiday he paid around 40% but I spent time planning and budgeting and he would have spent much more on the same if it wasn't for me.

If I had lots of money I would probably pay for the getaway, but I am frustrated of how he managed his finances even with his unemployment blip and I don't want to be 'endorsing' a bank of girlfriend.

Someone once said to me - don't get in debt for a holiday. A holiday is a luxury. If you can afford it and he will pay you back some money go. FYI flights are cheaper, the earlier that you book them, I've had flights to European cities for under £50 return per person. I agree, in future that you should not be his bank. Your priority should be yourself and your child.