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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Being preg when Sis and SIL have lost pregnancies

56 replies

AquaFaba · 15/02/2019 00:08

Would really appreciate some advice as I can’t sleep for worrying.

I’m currently 7wks&4days pregnant with dc#2. It’s not been an easy road so far as I’ve had 2 mc’s (one on honeymoon). I’m 43, so age not on my side.
I had a viability scan at the EPU last week and a heartbeat was detected at 6w5. I’m realistic to know that it is all tiny steps forward at this stage, and am feeling quite anxious if/how it progresses.

I’ve just learned that my SIL has had a mc and that she was barely a few days ahead of me - ie due dates within a few days of each other.

I feel really sorry for her but also really guilty.

Moreover, my younger sister had an ectopic preg last Dec and required emergency surgery.

I feel a mess of emotions: I’m anxious as it is about this pregnancy but - if it is successful - how I interact with both my sis and SIL.

I’m very conscious of their feelings and feel so bad/guilty, but also really worried about my own situation.

Thank you

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 15/02/2019 00:12

I’d stick to being factual, tell them by text and don’t take it personally if they need a bit of space. They’re probably not the right people to support you through this pregnancy. Try not to feel guilty, you haven’t done anything wrong. It’s just a sad situation.

Congratulations and good luck to you.

Designerenvy · 15/02/2019 00:14

Congratulations and I hope it all goes well for you.
Don't feel guilty, this is a great thing. My Dsis had a miscarriage just before i got pregnant with ds1. I didn't tell her for a long time, cos I thought I'd upset her.
I told her when I was 13 weeks and she was truly happy for me.
She, got pregnant very fast her miscarriage and my d's is just 3 months older than her dd.
Mind yourself, don't feel guilty and congratulations Flowers

darkparadise1 · 15/02/2019 00:15

Bless you, it's really kind and thoughtful of you to worry about your sister and SIL. I'm sure they'll be happy for you but I'd just tell them by text or phone and let them process it. You deserve happiness and have nothing to feel guilty for. Congratulations and good luck with everything Thanks

Crockof · 15/02/2019 00:18

I disagree, text is too impersonal. Ring and say I wanted you to know, I have no idea how you are feeling and that I understand if it's difficult for you and that when ever you feel ready I'd love for you to be involved but I understand if you can't but love you whatever. That's how my best friend said it to me, I took me a few months but. I loved her for giving me space

PurpleDaisies · 15/02/2019 00:20

I disagree, text is too impersonal.

It’s how the vast majority of people who are struggling to conceive or have had losses want to be told. If you’re told face to face or in the phone you don’t have chance to cry and get your game face on before you see/speak to the person. It’s a horrible position to be in.

thinkingcapon · 15/02/2019 00:22

Can you give yourself time and wait until 12 weeks?

Iggi999 · 15/02/2019 00:23

I categorised pgs of women who had had losses differently - they weren’t as upsetting somehow as they had been through the same/similar to me and were a sign things could work out.

Iggi999 · 15/02/2019 00:25

I would also prefer to know early on, it’s easier then to be saying you’re pg but still a nervous time for you - waiting till 12 weeks seems a bit smug, look I’m safe now kind of thing (and of course you’re never actually safe). Just my opinion though. If you never see them maybe, but I’d hate to think it was being hidden from me.

Iggi999 · 15/02/2019 00:25

Sorry forgot to say congratulations OP!

PurpleDaisies · 15/02/2019 00:28

waiting till 12 weeks seems a bit smug, look I’m safe now kind of thing

What an odd attitude. Confused

sweetpeach91 · 15/02/2019 00:29

Congratulations OP, with your age as a factor and the fact you've also had 2 miscarriages I would really wait until you're past 12 weeks and had you scan to say anything to anyone tbh.

Original poster
AquaFaba · 15/02/2019 00:35

Thank you. I haven’t been planning on telling anyone until at least 12 weeks and more if I possibly can.

Oddly, the same situation happened with my other SIL and my first mc. She was due within a few days of me and I remember I couldn’t bear to be around her as it all felt too raw.

OP posts:
Iggi999 · 15/02/2019 00:42

Because if you know someone is pg but it’s early on you might feel upset but a large part of you is rooting for them to make it, if they wait till 12 weeks what are they telling you if not, that’s me in the safe zone? Why else pick that number of weeks? To think others have been talking about you and not saying anything (if you do see eachother) because they are trying to spare you in some way is quite humiliating. Why are posters telling you not to say anting till 12 weeks unless it’s because they think you could then get away with not mentioning it if there is a loss? Why shouldn’t you tell close family like a sister?
I know you’re worried with your age but I was just a year short of that when I finally had the successful pg I was waiting for. I hope it will come for all the women in your family.

yakari · 15/02/2019 00:44

I'd say use whatever method of communication they normally use. If they are prolific texters then it's fine, if they more often talk by phone then call when you know they are at home.
My dear friend was going through multiple failed IVF throughout the years I had my two kids. Both times i told her early and before other friends, over the phone and then left it to her to be ready to chat more. A text would have been impersonal but that's because we rarely 'chatted' that way, however I can imagine other friends where it would have felt appropriate.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 15/02/2019 00:53

Think about how you would have wanted to be told, after you'd had a MC - would a phonecall have been better, leaving you potentially very emotional on the phone; or would a text be better, allowing you to react openly by yourself and then deal with it? You know your family members better than us - would they prefer the privacy of a text or would they feel it was too impersonal - no one here can say with certainty which would be better.

I had 3 MCs in my 40s before getting my "sticky" with DS2 (after correcting my vit D deficiency, a potential factor in both MC and subfertility) - I would probably have preferred a text message so I could react in private, and then put a face on in public or when I next spoke to the other person. But I'm not your relatives either.

GOod luck with your current pregnancy, I hope that it is a "sticky" for you too Thanks

UniversalAunt · 15/02/2019 00:58

I agree with your plan.
Waiting until you are past 12 weeks is reasonable & generally what is advised. There is a sound reason for this - as many MNers know, so many pregnancies do not get to 12 weeks.

As your SIL has sadly found, sharing the good news of pregnancy so early on can backfire as she has then had to relay news of her loss. Sharing your news with her once you are both past 12 weeks & ready, also gives her some time to come to terms with the sharpness of her recent loss.

Making her one of the first you tell & in person would be considerate of her feelings.

I wish you all the best.

UniversalAunt · 15/02/2019 01:09

...you are past both 12 weeks & ready.

I take the point about texting.
I think that sharing the good news should be truly personal with the intimacy given room to breathe either in personal or on the phone - it’s expression, tone of voice, pauses etc.
For me that would be in person or a phone call, & text works very well for many types of messages but in this instance for me it’s too impersonal.

Adversecamber22 · 15/02/2019 02:01

After a pg loss and also nearly losing my life at the time I was very sensitive. One of the Mums who I knew from school and not that well took me aside and told me that she had worried about telling me as I had been through so much and she then told me she was expecting. She was so lovely we are still firm friends 12 years later. My other much closer had known for years been to uni and she had been to my wedding friend just included me on her general email, that upset me.

Mediumred · 15/02/2019 02:49

Poor you, it is not wrong to be desperately worried about your own situation, given two MCs and your age, and for you to be very worried and sad for Dsis and Dsil.

Just be led by them, hopefully they will be happy for you, as you would have been for them, even if it’s hard sometimes.

I was pregnant at the same time as two very, very close friends, out of the three of us, mine was the only one that went to term. It was devastating at the time but they both went on to have two children (one had several more miscarriages in between her pregnancies). I never had another child, I had three miscarriages and was very ill with the last one. But obviously we are all still friends, them not resenting my first pregnancy, me not resenting their second ones, it’s just life, with its trials and sadnesses but joy and hope.

I don’t know what I’m trying to say with my story, just that we do not know what the future is for any of us, I hope this is your time, it sounds like you have been through very much, and dearly hope your lovely DSis and Dsil will have their time very soon. Look after yourself. Xx

oldusernewnametoday · 15/02/2019 02:57

Some people struggle with pregnancy announcements after loss and it's nice of you to take their feelings into consideration.

I had a stillbirth and not long after my sister found out she was expecting and is due around the time my baby was born.

I found out by accident about her pregnancy as she was worried about telling me incase it upset me, it upset me more that she felt she couldn't share her news with me.

Just thought I'd share my experience of being on the opposite end

DameIfYouDo · 15/02/2019 03:23

You're a mother first and foremost. Time to put the mothership cap on and go about your business.
Aside from that, and only when you have done that, you are in a position to console others.
FOR NOW? YOU ARE THE MOTHERSHIP.

In all seriousness, your baby needs you more than they do right now. Put it all into thinking about baby.
Certainly don't boast about it, but do your everything for your baby. There will be all sorts of pain in peoples' lives, but you looking after your baby is your priority.

toomuchtooold · 15/02/2019 05:39

waiting till 12 weeks seems a bit smug, look I’m safe now kind of thing

I've felt like that as well. Didn't help that the person said it to me like "we wanted to wait till 13 weeks to tell anyone, because... well... you'll understand..." it felt like a criticism of my decision to tell people.

malificent7 · 15/02/2019 05:46

Waiting till 12 weeks ks not smug...it is the normal and sensible thing to do.
What ....are you supposed to say at 8 weeks ' hey sis im pregnant but don't worry.. it might not work for me either. '

MsHopey · 15/02/2019 05:58

Patience and only offering information when specifically asked.
Me and DSis got pregnant within a week of each other. We both knew the other was trying and kept each other informed and after telling DHs we told each other straight away.
A few weeks later DSis had a miscarriage. I was devastated for her and she was worried that she was the shine from me.
It was a hard few months.
We didn't talk about my pregnancy for a while, I let her set the pace and she started asking me how I was feeling and to see the scan pictures.
We are very close and I was worried how it would affect us but we seem okay.
I know it will always be a permanent reminder as we were so close in terms of how far along we are.
I would definitely say patience and letting them set the pace is the best thing you can do.

Juancornetto · 15/02/2019 06:01

Congratulations OP Flowers I hope everything e works out perfectly for you Smile
I struggled with infertility and a miscarriage and found pregnancy announcements difficult to deal with - except when I knew that the person had also struggled. As well as the happiness for the parents to be, they gave me hope that there was light at the end of the tunnel. And I much preferred being told by text or email so I didn't have to react instantly. And not that you've mentioned it but Facebook pregnancy announcements with scan pictures really used to upset me and I still don't like them, they bring back bad memories.

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