Being preg when Sis and SIL have lost pregnancies

[AquaFaba]

Would really appreciate some advice as I can’t sleep for worrying.

I’m currently 7wks&4days pregnant with dc#2. It’s not been an easy road so far as I’ve had 2 mc’s (one on honeymoon). I’m 43, so age not on my side.
I had a viability scan at the EPU last week and a heartbeat was detected at 6w5. I’m realistic to know that it is all tiny steps forward at this stage, and am feeling quite anxious if/how it progresses.

I’ve just learned that my SIL has had a mc and that she was barely a few days ahead of me - ie due dates within a few days of each other.

I feel really sorry for her but also really guilty.

Moreover, my younger sister had an ectopic preg last Dec and required emergency surgery.

I feel a mess of emotions: I’m anxious as it is about this pregnancy but - if it is successful - how I interact with both my sis and SIL.

I’m very conscious of their feelings and feel so bad/guilty, but also really worried about my own situation.

Thank you

Congratulations!

It’s so thoughtful of you to be concerned rather than just ‘putting your mother hat on’

As someone who had recurrent miscarriages before my kids, my advice would be please don’t call or tell them face to face. Text at a time they will be home with their partner and allow them the chance to have their initial reaction in private.

I was always happy for friends/family who became pregnant in the time I was struggling but that didn’t mean it wasn’t also a punch in the chest initially.

Wishing you lots of luck going forward x

Congratulations, hope everything goes smoothly!

I think texting is the best way. I tried for 5 years to get pregnant and during that time my brother and wife conceived twice. They knew I had problems and I'd been quite open on how I'd feel if they got pregnant first. First time they announced it in front of the whole family, everyone congratulated them then there was an awkward moment where all eyes turned to me, I couldn't hold it together and cried hysterically. I felt awful because I couldn't br happy for them in that moment and I felt humiliated also. Second time my sister in law came to my house to tell me face to face alone, at the time I was going through IVF, she told me the day before egg collection.. I actually wanted to punch her in the face I just wanted her to leave but she stayed and chatted like nothing had happened.
I so wish they'd of just text me, so I could hide all those emotions from everyone.. I was never jealous or angry or resentful of their pregnancy.. just so devastated and sad for me. After a few days of moping I was happy and excited for them, and I wish that's the only side they'd seen because I'm sure they felt guilt for the hurt they seemed to of cause for me. It's lovely your being so considerate.
And when you text they have the opportunity to call you straight back and be excited with you, or have some time to process, you aren't forcing any of those emotions.

Thank you. It’s been so helpful to read these replies - thank you so much.

Hi OP. Congratulations on your pregnancy! I miscarried last year and had friends telling me a couple of days later that they were pregnant. I didn't know I was pregnant prior to the MC as it was very early on, but still obvious what was happening at the time and it was a much wanted baby, so still hard. I bottled everything up which made it more difficult in the end.

I had a friend that told me in person with a scan photo, who I know had been trying for a while and was desperate for a baby. I cried with happiness for her.
I had other friends that text me scan photos where the baby was unplanned and in honesty, I cried out of jealousy. But this is not your circumstance.

I have since got pregnant again myself and am now 22 weeks. I text quite a lot of friends the news simply because if they weren't happy, they didn't have to hide thay in front of me. Some were genuinely pleased, some didn't care, some chose to ignore me for 3 months (despite knowing how hard we had found the time when we were TTC!). I then found out a few friends had miscarried and would have had their babies around the same time as me. I felt awful and started thinking I should 'filter' my pregnancy - including any photos of me on social media. In the end I haven't done this (I haven't baby spammed either) but this is our experience to enjoy now, as many did when we were struggling.

Not sure if this story would have helped but thought I would share my experience x

Thank you for sharing your experiences.

Cremeeggsareforever:
I agree....the baby spamming on Facebook during pregnancy is something I find hard to understand and am wary of, having had 2 mc’s.

With my first successful pregnancy (ds1), I told only immediate family that I was pregnant and then only posted a photo to say he had safely arrived. Nothing before, during the pregnancy - I was so fearful of it going wrong again, and having another mc.

I find it hard to understand how some people post scan photos, gender reveals, or even positive preg test sticks on social media without seemingly thinking of the mc stats or that others might find the delivery of such news hard to bear.
Having had 2 losses, I’m mindful that so much could go wrong, and that there are others with their own struggles, most likely bottling it up in silence.

Thank you everyone.

Don’t worry about it, having been there endlessly myself I preferred it when people just got told me out right
Don’t do the sympathy and please don’t let it ruin what should be a happy time.
I may have had a snivel after but the people who (SIL I love you but ffs) sobbed all over me because they were so sorry 🙄 mad it all worse
Embrace it and try to relax and enjoy your pregnancy
Good luck with it

I know how you feel. I had miscarriages and then conceived twins. A friend who's due date was a couple of weeks after mine. We both went into labour prematurely and mine survived, hers did not.

I felt incredibly guilty too. Also I didn't tell anyone outside close family until I was about 16 weeks.

I find it hard to understand how some people post scan photos, gender reveals, or even positive preg test sticks on social media without seemingly thinking of the mc stats or that others might find the delivery of such news hard to bear.

I think people who do this are lucky. They've obviously never experienced the heartbreaking loss of a much wanted and loved baby.

It's so hard. I was 7 weeks pregnant with my first when my friend's first pregnancy ended in still birth at 31 weeks. It was utterly heartbreaking. Due to living in differently countries I couldn't bring myself to tell her until she got pregnant again (this time with a healthy baby) and my son was six months old! She laughed and we cried together, she wished I had told her sooner and I regret not doing it. I just felt so awkward in the face of her heartbreak.

universalaunt are you suggesting there is a thing wrong with the OP’s sister and sister in law needing to tell her they had miscarried? Would it be better if it’s a secret they go through on their own, without the support of their family? I don’t understand this attitude at all.

Congratulations on your pregnancy OP. I think its lovely you're thinking of them, and how and when you tell them is totally up to you, whenever you want to share the news. I do think a text might seem impersonal but actually its a kindness, so if they're upset/jealous/angry they can be so in private without you seeing, or worse being out having lunch and being upset! I'm sure they'll be happy for you, or I hope so, especially as you yourself have been through challenges before. Take it gentle, I hope the rest of your pregnancy goes well. X

Congratulations op I hope everything goes well for you!

Just a note to other pp about social media posting... I dont personally think it's all insensitive idiots who post excitedly about their pregnancies online.
I have a close friend who updated every week on her pregnancy with scans and how she was feeling... and now her baby is here she photographs h constantly.
I know that previous to him she suffered 7 miscarriages and a stillbirth. So for her I can see it was a way of sharing what she was going through, and now hes here shes so excited and grateful... that's where her need to share pictures comes from i think.
So i wouldn't judge people who post online... you dont know why they are doing it and what it means to them... some people like to keep things private but some people cope with grief and stress by publicly reaching out. I dont think theres any right or wrong way personally. And if someones posts on Facebook are bothering you you can just unfollow them.

Nope, most certainly not stating that there is anything wrong in OP’s sister or S-i-L telling her that they had miscarried. I am sure that I did not say that.

I can’t see where I said that miscarriage should be kept secret. Nor can I see where I said that people should go miscarriage on their own.

Must have been a different aunt.

Well I think you kinda did with this quote, but no worries
As your SIL has sadly found, sharing the good news of pregnancy so early on can backfire as she has then had to relay news of her loss

OP I'm in a similar position, my sister had been trying for over 18 months, and I've just found out I'm pg. I need to tell her, but I really don't want to hurt her, it breaks my heart to think that my happiness could be the source of misery for her. You sound very kind to be thinking so hard on your family's feelings in all this, I think that will go a long way.

Congrats and good luck

Congratulations

My DS died in NICU. After the initial support wore off I was told nothing, excluded from Nieces Birthday party/Family Christmas/etc in case it upset me.

Nobody asked, and because they didn't, I told them straight away what I wanted which was to be treated normally, don't hide pregnancies or children, nobody really listened and decided for me what I wanted.

That's my advice, ask, listen. If you're unsure later, ask again. It really hurt that on top of everything else, I was treated as a social pariah and felt I'd lost almost all family & friends as well.

It was still a really difficult thing to hear others becoming pregnant/giving birth, but it's a part of life and I wanted the opportunity to 'get over it' in a normal healthy environment and not let it manifest in a fake childless world.

Thought I’d provide an update to the above....
Am now 17+3. We made the decision to tell both sets of parents over the Easter weekend and told them both that we would tell sister and SIL directly, rather than hearing third-hand via the family grapevine.

As per advice here (as well as my own experience of having 2 mc’s), we decided to email both my sister and SIL separately that gave more opportunity for them to absorb and process the news.

The outcome has been mixed...but perhaps not unsurprisingly so.
SIL took some time to reply and then very graciously emailed back congratulations.
Sister emailed back congratulations almost instantly, but then phoned today (from overseas), in tears and aggressively asking why I had to remind her of her ectopic pregnancy. I simply apologised for everything and tried to explain that we had not had such an easy run to get to this point (2 mc’s), but I think that fell on deaf ears.
I know she is hurting, and I feel very sorry for her. But I’m also sad that I feel ?apologetic? For being pregnant.
Hey ho.

I would stay very quiet until at least 16 weeks OP . When the time comes let them know sensitively and share that you kept quiet having had MC yourself
It’s too early to tell anyone lovely

And given your past experiences your anxiety is very natural

Good luck

Aha saw updates

Let your sister be . Her reaction is exactly what you worried about unfortunately

Keep your distance for a while

Congratulations OP.
I had a phone call once..dsil was phoning to say Sorry but she was pregnant. She knew I'd had 3 mc. I told her not to be ridiculous apologising and congratulations.

You’ve nothing to be sorry about Op. Your sister was out of order being aggressive over your news, ridiculous really. Of course it’s said for her but that’s no excuse to be hurtful and even take away your happiness.

Let her come to terms with it and get it touch with you. Look after yourself, really pleased things are going well for you.

Congratulations .

You have had your own personal loss and pain so you haven’t come at this from an ignorant angle. I think you handled it perfectly and their reactions aren’t your problem.

My sister was 6 weeks ahead of me with her 6th trouble free easily conceived pregnancy when I lost mine at 12 weeks after 2 years TTC.

I was just really glad that she wasn’t going through the same devastation as me.

You’re right to be sensitive - and it may not be easy for them. But don’t forget that they can still be pleased for you. Best of luck after your losses x

I was in the different situation that we were both heavily pregnant when they lost their baby (due 22 days apart)

I did avoid mentioning the little 'moans' to them, because I felt it would be rubbing it in
When he was born I did text my brother to tell them, rather than call as I felt that way they could react in private

It did take them a long time to be able to hold the baby afterwards and I followed their lead on that

Out of interest when she said why did you have to remind her, did she mean your pregnancy reminded her (completely not your fault) or was it that in the message to tell them you were pregnant you brought up the ectoptic pregnancy and thats what she actually meant - that she'd rather you just announced your pregnancy without mention of hers?