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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think these teachers are unprofessional

138 replies

RescueRemedy21 · 14/02/2019 16:09

My friend is a teacher at my son's primary school. She teaches a different class to my son and has never taught my son. They have little to no contact at school.

I told my son's current teacher some information about extra support in place outside of school to help my son academically. It was useful for her to know so that they could share information/support etc.

Today my friend questioned my son about this at lunchtime at school. Therefore my son's teacher has told my friend. My friend has nothing to do with my son at school, there is no reason for this information to have been shared other than idle gossip. I think they have both been unprofessional. I don't know how to handle it though without upsetting the friendship.

My son is mortified as he didn't want anyone knowing about the additional support and my friend questioned him about it in front of his friends.

AIBU to think they are both out of order? Would you raise it? If so how?

OP posts:
RockyFlintstone · 16/02/2019 19:28

@mytieisascarf are you a teacher?

WombatChocolate · 16/02/2019 20:05

To be honest, teachers share information with other teachers all the time. It might be in a year group meeting or in a staff meeting or via an information bulletin. It could be information about progress or concerns or just points of information (like this case). It's very usual and unless something is sensitive and requires very limited circulation, other teachers who have nothing to do with teaching a child might find out....not because of idle gossip but just information sharing which is valid.

So hat happened in the playground? It's hard to know. I wonder if friend was just making conversation with DS rather than 'questioning' him and i wonder if it really was in front of lots of others or if because DS is a bit sensitive, it felt like that to him. IS that possible?

I really don't think there is an issue that friend knew the info. Possibly she was insensitive in bringing it up. Is it a cause for complaint? I don't think it is about her knowing, and actually mis-sharing would be more of a concern. If you really think she over-stepped the mark you could enquire further and ask school to investigate, but it will be about her conversation not the fact she knew the info. Or you could just tell her that DS mentioned it and was embarrassed. Are you cross that it was your friend or would you be cross about anyone having this conversations? I'd imagine others might not have had the conversation because they wouldn't have been chatting with your DS like that and perhaps she just thought she was being friendly in the same way you'd mention if you'd heard someone was going on holiday. I wonder if as a parent you are a bit sensitive about this yourself and so that's making this seem like a bigger deal. Have a think about some of these things and consider if you want to take it further.

WombatChocolate · 16/02/2019 20:29

Another thought - perhaps what friend said wasn't her most well thought out comment, but it might have been a passing comment really, taken badly by a sensitive boy.

Having tutoring or extra help isn't something to be a secret or ashamed of by children or parents. However, some parents and children will want to keep it a bit low profile - mentioning it isn't akin to bringing up genuinely personal information, but probably a bit unaware. Additionally, I'm often surprised how easily children are embarrassed or how conversations I've thought were perfectly positive and about neutral topics were actually apparanely very embarrassing for them - they can find any conversation with an adult awkward.

So, for your DS, is he at the point that 'knowing' a teacher outside school is all just too embarrassing and actually any conversation with her would be awful and feel awkward? Perhaps it's that as much as the topic that was the issue and because you yourself feel a bit sensitive abiut the tutoring, you feel more strongly about this.

Is it time to say to your friend that DS is finding 'knowing' a teacher at school a bit awkward due to his age, and can she just be aware of it? Would that be sufficient and sort it or do you think there's a bigger issue here that needs reporting and looking into. I'm sure I've sometimes inadvertently made children feel a bit awkward - it's easily done and I think teachers try not to do it, but do t always succeed.

YourSarcasmIsDripping · 16/02/2019 23:39

I really wish some PP's would stop making this an issue of OP's or her son's own making. Even if that's not the intent, the insinuation is there.

mytieisascarf · 16/02/2019 23:53

Not a teacher but work with children and families in and out of schools. So I suppose I see both sides.

4point2fleet · 17/02/2019 09:10

You would hope mytieisascarf is not a teacher as she would be happy to go out on playground duty without any clue of which of the children in front of her were diabetic and might hypo because she values their 'privacy'.

mytieisascarf · 17/02/2019 12:34

@4point2fleet

I would wonder how a board in the staff room would help you with this information when you are out in the playground any more than a folder in a drawer would. I am perfectly capable of retaining information in my head.

But we have in common that we are both very glad that i am not a teacher.

WombatChocolate · 17/02/2019 13:31

A picture on a wall IS more effective. Every time you go past and glance at it, the info goes into your head and the more you see it, the more you remember. It requires no conscious effort to go and look in a folder in a drawer.

Secondary schools can have over 2000 pupils, most of whom you might not teach but could encounter at any point. That medical info is likely to be displayed in multiple places around school and if someone has an anaphylactic shock, it's easier to rush to one of those locations and look on a board than to hunt for a drawer and folder in a possibly unfamiliar location.

Privacy is an issue, but is has to be balanced with information sharing for safety. And information has to be shared as well for teaching purposes - teachers may cover each other's lessons, run clubs, do duties etc and unless the info is on a strictly needs to know basis, often knowing more is helpful. Someone receiving some tutoring would not be considered highly sensitive information in a school.

The teacher who spoke to DS in the playground could have Equally been a teacher who wasn't a friend. We don't really know the context of the conversation. If it had been someone who wasn't a friend of Op, I wonder if she'd have been so upset. If there was a lot of personal questioning in front of lots of friends and he was clearly uncomfortable, then that was probably not the best judged conversation. But was it really like that or could a scenario exist where a teacher spoke to a child about this in the playground that would be understandable and a good thing? It could be that actually other children were nearby and the exact nature of the conversation could be quite different - not questioning exactly, but perhaps a bit of a booster conversation and encouragement. It's possible.
The ground is muddied in the OP's scenario because the person who spoke to DS was OP's friend. Her automatic assumption was 'gossiping' between teachers. She feels uncomfortable with friend knowing because she is a friend, not because she is a fellow teacher who probably was told in an information sharing exercise of perfect legitimacy at school. And because Op would rather the friend didn't know, she is hyper sensitive to the conversation which happened and probably imagines it in a more extreme way than it happened. She forgets that children can find any interaction with adults embarrassing and imagine everyone else is listening and looking. She looks for a critical interpretation of events rather than simple explanations, which are perfectly feasible. Lots of posters on this thread make all kinds of assumptions about information sharing, or the playground incident, which are critical but which we can't know about, rather than looking for reasonable and feasible less critical interpretations.

Working in a school with children you know outside of school can be a tricky balancing act. It should be possible to still be human and to acknowledge that you know them without making it a big deal. In an informal situation like the playground, you might exchange a few words 'I hear you're off to Spain on holiday' 'I saw some great work you did about X' but you do have to remain the teacher and not get too close. You have to be careful what you say to children and to parents who are also friends. People who have friends who teach in the school so heir kid so trend also have to be careful. They mustn't push for information it would be inappropriate to have, but they also have to expect the friend will know things about their child and their progress or behaviour or other stuff, whichbtheboarent might not have or which the parent might have shared with the school and was then passed on. And they have to expect the friend might interact with the child inside school, as a teacher.

4point2fleet · 17/02/2019 15:13

Some conscientious people might regularly look in a 'critical needs' folder in a drawer so they are certain they remember who has life/ death medical issues where response seconds count. I doubt every single member of staff in the building would.

Our critical medical needs photos (6 kids out of 500) are on the back of every toilet door because it is really essential that every adult remembers.

If my child had critical medical needs I would not want to trust the desk drawer thing.

CuckooCuckooClock · 17/02/2019 15:34

We get all staff emails with photos every few weeks so we're familiar with students with certain health problems like severe allergies, uncontrolled epilepsy, diabetes. I'm sure their parents would prefer we knew how to keep their children safe.

mytieisascarf · 17/02/2019 15:46

The absolutely would @CuckooCuckooClock - and yours seems like a system that effectively shares important information privately. As I have said previously I think it is important for teachers to share information that is pertinent to health, well being and learning in a way that is effective BUT is also respectful to the privacy and safeguarding of children. There are ways of doing this, as schools up and down the country will testify, it just takes a willingness to critically evaluate your practice and stop being defensive and insular.

4point2fleet · 17/02/2019 17:42

We get all staff emails

I totally fail to see how that is different to something put up where all staff (but only staff) will see it. We don't have randomers using our staff toilets, they use the visitors toilets. I don't think it would be anywhere near as effective either.

Hey ho.

RockyFlintstone · 17/02/2019 18:12

A picture on a wall IS more effective. Every time you go past and glance at it, the info goes into your head and the more you see it, the more you remember. It requires no conscious effort to go and look in a folder in a drawer.

Yes, this is really true. And I don't really see what difference it makes with it being up on a board if everyone has to know anyway.

If my child had a potentially life threatening condition, I would much rather everyone at school was aware with a picture on a board, than that their 'privacy' might be compromised.

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