To think these teachers are unprofessional

[RescueRemedy21]

My friend is a teacher at my son's primary school. She teaches a different class to my son and has never taught my son. They have little to no contact at school.

I told my son's current teacher some information about extra support in place outside of school to help my son academically. It was useful for her to know so that they could share information/support etc.

Today my friend questioned my son about this at lunchtime at school. Therefore my son's teacher has told my friend. My friend has nothing to do with my son at school, there is no reason for this information to have been shared other than idle gossip. I think they have both been unprofessional. I don't know how to handle it though without upsetting the friendship.

My son is mortified as he didn't want anyone knowing about the additional support and my friend questioned him about it in front of his friends.

AIBU to think they are both out of order? Would you raise it? If so how?

I have to say that does sound like victim blaming to me... if I may use a favourite MN term! Or the other perennial fave - woman blaming!

Boy is shamed by need for extra tuition to keep up with his peer group? Must be his / his mum's fault!

@RockyFlintstone Does your school also have photos of the staff on the wall, with their health issues posted underneath just in case Mrs McTumshy goes into a diabetic coma? What are people not getting about respecting the privacy of children and young people?

We used to have a board up in the staff room with photos of children with medical issues that might need help. So, epipens/diabetes etc.
Our staff room is out of bounds to anyone who is not staff. We still had to remove the board, due to GDPR. Those photos are now pasted on the inside of a high cupboard door in the first aid room. Fair enough, but it does means that people would have to actively seek out that info in order to recognise whether a child they don't know (by sight) is actually going into anaphylactic shock or has just had a bit of crisp going down the wrong way at lunch.

Also to the previous poster who said she often talks disparagingly about parents and children to "let off steam" - you should be in a different job. What a horrible admission. Perhaps you should attempt to have some unconditional positive regard for the children in your care and their families.

As an ex teacher, sometimes information is shared to strengthen teaching tactics or to facilitate the child better at school. A good example would be Billy is dyslexic but receiving 1-1 tutoring at home to help improve his handwriting.
This will be shared so that Billy’s other teachers and other teaching staff know a) his handwriting will likely improve b) not to put too much pressure on him over his handwriting c) tone down his homework as he’s already doing extra outside of school d) he clearly had a good parent (which is useful to the school) e) his parents have accepted his dyslexia and are attempting to help him.
This information regarding your son may have been given in a wider context too - you’re friend may have a student going through similar in her class and already have the strategies in place or vice versa. The school may be using it as a teaching and learning moment of “x has this problem, so y is being done at home, let’s see if z, who has a similar issue can be encouraged to do y as well?” Or even simply to share it as is best practise amongst teachers in a school. “X has this going on, y is being done. Can we all be mindful”
The person in the wrong here is your friend. She is using her familiarity with your son to ask him what I assume can only be uncomfortable/unwanted questions, which is decidedly bad practise.
I’d ask to speak to the head teacher and make him/her aware that your friend is sharing confidential information and using her knowledge of your son to do so. Mention that as you are friends you feel as if you have been put in an awkward position and you would appreciate the heads discretion.
The head should be able to call your friend in and give him/her a warning, without them even knowing it was you. For all they will know - one of your sons friends have reported it....

@RockyFlintstone Does your school also have photos of the staff on the wall, with their health issues posted underneath just in case Mrs McTumshy goes into a diabetic coma? What are people not getting about respecting the privacy of children and young people?

No, but then we are not in loco parentis of other staff are we? I guess this is where 'safeguarding' and 'privacy' clash a bit isn't it? Surely in order to minimise risk to the child, any adult that may be in contact with them at any time during the school day should be aware of the possibility of a potentially life threatening incident?

Teacher's (ordinarily) are quite bright people - you would think that they could come up with a way of indicating which children have significant health issues without having it on a wall display.

Of COURSE teachers talk in the staffroom about children and parents. It's beyond naive to think that they don't. Some of that will be on a "need-to-know" basis, but a lot more is not.

But your friend was beyond stupid and thoughtless (and unprofessional) to speak to your son about it.

Mytieisascarf No need for the patronising dig. It's been said that these boards have been removed and, in our case, an alternative found. In a school of over 450 pupils, it was a useful tool and the current set-up is not as effective. But whatever.

Does your school also have photos of the staff on the wall, with their health issues posted underneath just in case Mrs McTumshy goes into a diabetic coma?

Yes.

@Clavinova

Perhaps I should add that she hasn't revealed anything that has shocked me - mainly academics and classroom behaviour - even so.

That's hardly the point! She is telling you things about children you know!

Do you want randoms to know how your child is doing academically? How they behave at school? You'd be furious and rightly so!

She is unprofessional and breaking every ethical code going.

The op's son (aged 10/11) was questioned in front of his friends - now they all know that he is having extra tuition because he is struggling at school.

WTAF, ? There is nothing to be ashamed of here. Millions of kids get help in some way or another. And generally in a class the kids know how each other are doing, you write it like this is something shameful he should hide, it's not, not even remotely.

For the record, I am so proud of my son. He is kind, sweet, generous, amazing at sports and lots of other things. We all have strengths and things we have to work harder on. I have had this conversation with my son and he understands all this and knows how amazing we think he is. However, despite this, he was not keen on his friends knowing as they are very competitive and fall out and make up alot so he didn't want them to know in case they later use it against him. He is not particularly confident, I work hard at building up his self esteem and noted that struggling in class was causing him further confidence issues, so we discussed having a tutor and he was totally for it and has come so far, the one to one really works for him as he can ask questions etc without feeling self conscious like he would at school. There is no 'shame' as such, just self preservation as he knows the other boys can be mean.

I bet half of them are having tutoring as well, if truth be told.

If it helps... at about 10 we (humans) start worrying about how we look to others. We stop being quite as childlike and start realising we have a public image! So it is probably the very worst age to have a 'special thing' identified.

I agree with the pp who said it's a bit naive to think teachers don't gossip about parents. If you're concerned about that you probably need to get a grip. Probably my DC's teachers gossip about me (I'm fairly boring though so I'm not sure) we parents certainly gossip about teachers!
Anyway back to the thread - there are plenty of legitimate reasons to discuss students. In my school we're constantly having really boring and pointless meetings about students who aren't at their target grades and what intervention their getting. We would mention if anyone had a tutor outside school. If I was paying attention and had a better memory of know loads of crap about kids I don't teach.

The idea that teachers should only regard pupils and their parents in a positive way is ridiculous. Of course, when dealing with parents face to face and talking to pupils then teachers will strive to show a professional attitude, despite their true feelings. Some parents are absolute horrors and their children follow suit! The way some parents speak to teachers and staff or the way they treat their own children can be appalling. Some parents aren't even fit to have children. If teachers can't express negative feelings about the families they have to deal with on a day to basis, in the privacy of the staffroom, then we are reaching a ridiculous level of political correctness! I have worked in several schools, and a teacher coming into the staffroom with an 'OMG, you'll never believe what x child has done, or can you believe what x's mum has just said to me etc.' is a common occurrence in all schools.

On the other hand teachers do talk positively about parents- I often hear things like 'X's parents are lovely, I'll ask them to help on my trip, or, X's mum is really good with him at home that's why he's doing so well with his reading etc.'

Yes, teachers talk both positively and negatively amongst themselves about children and parents. Of course they do.

The idea that teachers would never say anything negative about parents or kids is quite funny really!

The idea that teachers would never say anything negative about parents or kids is quite funny really!

Yes, like the parent who requested a meeting with a colleague who was recently married and proceeded to tell her that she hoped she wasn't planning on getting pregnant and going on maternity leave, as she didn't want her son's year disrupted.
Not sure how anyone can feel positive towards someone that twatty.

We had something similar once. A parent seriously suggested that teachers shouldn't be allowed to take maternity leave during the school year!

I suppose our perception of teachers are stereotypical and we are deeply disappointed when these stereotypes are not true - we expect teachers to be compassionate, kind and ethical and it is clear from this thread that many aren't (saying "No wonder the child has special needs, look at the parents" is vile) . Honestly - yes some parents are not kind, or smart, but teachers are being paid to ensure that no harm comes to the children in their care. By slagging off parents and children you are perpetuating a narrative of otherness - them and us - and this ultimately only leads to negative outcomes, like an inability to connect to a child, an inability to empathise with the child's familial situation. You are really doing yourself no favours as an educator if your approach is one of judgement and negativity. I understand that it is not always easy to rise above and look at your charges and their families with a positive or even a neutral perspective but perhaps that says more about you than it does about them.

Nonsense.
I care deeply about my students but some of their parents are total arseholes who treat me like shit. I'll be nice to their faces because I'm the professional and I'm able to put the needs of the children above my wish to express myself but I absolutely reserve the right to take the piss out of them in the staffroom.

Does your school also have photos of the staff on the wall, with their health issues posted underneath just in case Mrs McTumshy goes into a diabetic coma?

We don't have photographs of the staff. However, we are quite a small staff team and work closely together as a team. We do know about people's medical issues and know to look out for one another, and do so. So the photographs are not required as we all know what each other look like.

However with the children we don't all know them by sight, yet we could all be working with the children at some point, or be supervising them in the playgrounds or the hall, etc. Hence we are made are of children with specific medical and health needs, with a photograph to identify said child. This is very much for the benefit of the child should a medical incident occur on site.

and this ultimately only leads to negative outcomes, like an inability to connect to a child,

If anything I form stronger bonds with the "difficult" children. They need me more.