To carry on the argument? Wedding/stepfamilies drama

[LOTR]

Hi. Backstory to this is that I got engaged end of last year. We booked the wedding and rang my dad to tell him the date. My dad and I are low contact due to him previously saying it was too much effort to visit us once a year - we see each other only occasionally and talk only to arrange visits. Over the years he's shut me out a lot from him family - due to stepfamily drama. He's only met my fiance three times.

He kicked off over the phone saying very hurtful things about 'finding out last' and put the phone down on me. He took a month to talk to us.

He sent a very pointed message about us being selfish in booking the venue without his input. No apology. By chance it was my birthday and he sent something (v. V. unexpected to hear from him at all on my bday).

Before all this happened, I'd asked my mum to walk me down the aisle. She will be furious if I ask her to share this with my dad rather than do it by herself. My dad still doesn't know this as he was so furious over the date and the lack of apology over shouting at me for no good reason is still bothering me.

AIBU to text him and say regardless of bday presents etc, we still haven't fixed the argument and explain my POV? Or should I just let things settle and then address the aisle thing separately closer to the wedding?

I don’t think there’s any fixing this. He’s already arguing with you about unreasonable stuff. You having your mum walk you down the aisle will be the nail in the coffin because he’ll be very angry/upset which is a reasonable reaction to this I feel. People only have their mum do the aisle thing when their dad is dead or an utter bastard so that’s the message everyone, not just him, will take from the aisle issue. I can understand you wanting your mum but there’s no getting away from what that says about your dad to the world.

I disagree with PP, you can have whoever you want to walk you done the aisle. Fuck what message it gives out! You already have low contact so his reaction to your decisions will make no difference to your life. Have the wedding you want, not one that's based on what other, very unreasonable people want.

To answer you question, I would just leave it for now. Hopefully he'll calm down.

I wasn’t saying she can’t/shouldn’t do it, just that no matter what she wants it DOES give out a clear message and she can do nothing to change that. So if she goes ahead, there will definitely be fall out and no ‘explanation’ she gives her dad will make it all be ok.

I agree with Auntie. Like it or not, asking your mum to walk you down the aisle is a big statement about your dad and he is likely to be upset and furious. I’m not saying that’s a good reason to ask him, but you do need to think about the consequences. If he refuses to come to your wedding as a result, how will you feel about that?

I can also see why he was upset that you didn’t tell him you were engaged. You could have phoned / texted him. Although, again, that doesn’t give him the right to be nasty.

The problem here is that you have different expectations of the relationship. In your mind, you’re happy to be low contact with him and are comfortable with what that means. In his mind, he thinks that you should involve him more in your life, but he doesn’t seem able to be pleasant to you when you do contact him. Maybe you need to move the relationship in one direction or the other, i.e. either put the past behind you and try to repair your relationship or go completely no contact. Because this in-between thing doesn’t seem to be working. Given that choice, which would you prefer?

Walking you down the aisle is a privilege not a right, if your mum is the right person for you then so be it. Don't let him bully you into changing your mind. I would leave it for now too otherwise he sounds as if he is capable of haranguing you for months over this.

I assume that your mum and dad are no longer together?

Agree with the majority of others that of course you can choose whoever you wish (or none at all) to walk you down the aisle. HOWEVER there is no doubting the very loud message that sends to all present about your relationship with your father. Someone else walks you down the aisle when your father is dead, very ill or not in your life. That's the message.
Not sure how a father could get past that whilst actually at the ceremony.
If you do tell him ,then you may have sorted the issue, as I doubt he will want to come - to be held up as ' this is dad - who I have little respect for' ( which may well be the case, so why even have him there just to insult ? )

Have you mum walk you down the aisle. You wanted her and she deserves it. Why should a man who has verbally stated visiting you would be too much effort once a year, has shut you out of his side of the family, never phones and rarely contacts you on your birthday get to dictate how you have your wedding. He is having a tantrum about not being part of the show and playing devoted Daddy when he has been cold and disengaged and the opposite of a loving Father.

Text him your point your of view. Tell him how it made you feel. You didn't deserve to be shouted at, or called selfish by someone who is the very epitome of the word.

I suspect you have spent many hours seeking this man's attention and dancing to his tune hoping he will become a loving and attentive Father. Ignore the posters above, it doesn't matter what message YOU send about your Father, what about the messages he has sent to you. He is not been there for you, don't be fooled to be thinking that giving him a starring role will have him become the Father you have always wanted. Text him your point if view, be prepared for him to say 'I'm not coming'. But don't be blackmailed. You don't have to tell him anything about the finer details at this point, treat it as a separate issue.

Good luck OP.

KC225 you have hit the nail on the head I think. My dad is cold and has been slowly pushing me away since he got remarried - yes my mum and he are not together and have both remarried.

My stepdad died recently and while it would have been impossible to have him do it - my mum has been so strong and caring that the idea was more to value her for her effort.

Flagfish I did tell him I was engaged over the phone. He wasn't very happy/mumbled something about it being unexpected. He got cross because I booked the venue we both wanted and told him the date (a long way in advance) rather than asking him before we booked

Totally agree with everything KC225 said.

I know I women who were walked down the aisle by their mothers. Both had a good relationship with their father. But most at the wedding would have known that, just as most people at your wedding will know that you and your father are not close.

2 women

What @KC225 said!

Your Dad is a proper CF. How fucking dare he!

Is he going to offer to pay for your wedding?

I think your mother walking you down the aisle send a clear message about your relationship with her.

Not sure why your dad is so overly invested in your wedding if you're low contact. Just send him an invite and be done with it.

Your dad sounds like an asshole. Why should he have any input in your wedding venue regardless of whether you have a good relationship or not?!

I would definitely tell him about your mother walking you down the aisle and if he’s not happy he knows what to do about it, I don’t think you will ever please this man.

I agree with KC255. Don’t give this cold undeserving man a starring role at your wedding . Your first instinct was to have your mother do it. In a few years when you look back on your wedding, I think you will be happier knowing your mum was the one who walked you down the isle.

I think you should address the issue of him not walking you down the aisle earlier than later. This is guaranteed drama that you will want to put to bed well before the wedding. From your posts I doubt he will attend and he’s going to tantrum.
My advice- tell him early. Then once the drama passes you can relax and enjoy planning your wedding
Good luck

I understand why you have chosen your Mum and you absolutely should have the person you want walk you down the aisle.

However, a good friend of mine chose her brother over her dad and the upshot was that neither her dad or his side of the family attended the wedding due to the “obvious and public snub”.

Considering your Dad’s behaviour so far, I would prepare yourself that he may throw his teddies and not attend your wedding. I hope for your sake this doesn’t happen but sounds as though it may be a possibility.

No they've said a 'financial contribution' in the letter which was very carefully worded to not apologise.

We were planning to pay ourselves and I can't explain enough how money or assumption of being involved was unexpected given that we are so low contact. My fiance is furious over his reaction as he has barely met him and he's made such a big fuss.

Don't think of it as 'carrying on an argument'. You are simply making the arrangements you want for your wedding. And your dad happens not to like them. That's unfortunate but there you go.

My only real suggestion is to completely ignore his tantrum.

"Dad, I will not be spoken to like that. If you can't hold a civil tone then this conversation is over." Then walk away/hang up.

ignore the current shit fit, it's got very little to do with you and if you ignore it he will lose steam. He wants a reaction out of you, don't give him one. Tell him about the aisle walking soon, then don't engage with the inevitable tantrum.

It doesn't sound like he adds a lot to your life so I wouldn't go out of my way for him. If you'd rather your mum go with your mum. Even if you did have him walk you down the aisle would it really improve anything with him?

What on earth does it have to do with him when and where you get married?
From the sounds of it you are virtually estranged and if it wasn't for your input, you would be estranged.
If someone kicked off like that about My wedding they would not be coming.
Why have him walk you down the isle when you clearly mean very little to him?
I disagree about the message it gives off.
Nobody cares, seriously and if they do they are not your friend.
People will know your mum and dad are not together, they will know you are not close to him. They will know he isn't involved in your life.
Stuck to having your mum walk you down the isle and if he doesn't like it so what?
What will be do?
Cease the very little contact he has with you, like a big petulant baby.

Your father can’t be bothered to meet you once a year and thinks he has the right to have any say over your wedding, simple question is would you do this to your child? My guess is the answer would be a big No! He is lucky you had the grace to let him know. Tell you’ll understand if he’s too upset to attend but that if he does you want it to be a happy occasion where everyone just councentrates on the fact that the two of you are planning a happy life together.