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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To carry on the argument? Wedding/stepfamilies drama

60 replies

LOTR · 14/02/2019 04:42

Hi. Backstory to this is that I got engaged end of last year. We booked the wedding and rang my dad to tell him the date. My dad and I are low contact due to him previously saying it was too much effort to visit us once a year - we see each other only occasionally and talk only to arrange visits. Over the years he's shut me out a lot from him family - due to stepfamily drama. He's only met my fiance three times.

He kicked off over the phone saying very hurtful things about 'finding out last' and put the phone down on me. He took a month to talk to us.

He sent a very pointed message about us being selfish in booking the venue without his input. No apology. By chance it was my birthday and he sent something (v. V. unexpected to hear from him at all on my bday).

Before all this happened, I'd asked my mum to walk me down the aisle. She will be furious if I ask her to share this with my dad rather than do it by herself. My dad still doesn't know this as he was so furious over the date and the lack of apology over shouting at me for no good reason is still bothering me.

AIBU to text him and say regardless of bday presents etc, we still haven't fixed the argument and explain my POV? Or should I just let things settle and then address the aisle thing separately closer to the wedding?

OP posts:

PaBut · 14/02/2019 07:33

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Sunshineboo · 14/02/2019 07:35

My advice is to very clearly separate the two things out. So thank you dad for the card and presents, it was really thoughtful and appreciated.

I wanted to talk to you about the letter…

Don't let a little bit of thoughtfulness back you into a corner. But I agree with posters that say deal with this now and save yourself hassle and worry as You get closer to your wedding.

LizzieBananas · 14/02/2019 07:37

If he is low contact, why do you even want him there?

This being offended at being the last to hear something is so familiar. Someone has to be last.

If he wants to walk you doesn’t he aisle, he should know you well, not find you a once a year chore.

Don’t invite him, let your mum walk you down the aisle and have a great time!

LilaJude · 14/02/2019 07:41

Your dad sounds like a prick and if your decision gives the world the impression that he’s a bad dad it’s only because it’s true. It’s a very reasonable consequence of his shitty behaviour, and he is the one who bears responsibility for that.

I would deal with the issue separately, but stand firm. If he’s going to kick off about it you can make it clear that he’s there on your terms or not there at all.

anniehm · 14/02/2019 07:46

The tradition is for the father to escort down the aisle. I can see your reasons for asking your mum but you need to inform your dad ASAP so he has time to get used to the idea or can decide not to be there. Having both your parents could be the diplomatic option to keep the peace. OR nobody walks you down the aisle.

Loopytiles · 14/02/2019 07:50

Your father is likely to be unreasonable whatever you do. He is unlikely to listen to or understand “your side”.

I would inform him that you do not wish him to walk down the aisle with you, and that your DM will be doing this. If he complains, decides not to attend or goes no contact - fine. His decision.

Don’t accept any money from him.

MRex · 14/02/2019 07:50

You need to change your mental language here. You aren't arguing, you're behaving like an adult in telling your (useless) father the arrangements for your wedding. He has chosen to grumble and argue with you, that doesn't bode well for his behaviour in the rest of the lead-up and in the wedding itself. For that reason, I agree it's best to tell him and get it out of the way. If it were me then I'd thank him for his offer to contribute to the wedding but decline and let him know there will be a gift list nearer the time, no obligation but if they'd like to get you both something then that's where to do it. You haven't said what you're doing about the top table, nor how you get along with your step-mother; it's best to tackle all that at the same time. I've no idea how to easily introduce him to the topic though, somebody will I'm sure. Something like "I'd like you to have a role in our wedding, we were hoping you and step-mother would sit at the top table with us and you could give a 5 minute speech, would that be ok with you?" (If you're ok with those things, I'm not sure if you would be?) That could lead into being clear that he isn't walking you down the aisle, but you've offered him a role that he can accept or decline.

ZenNudist · 14/02/2019 07:52

Personally i wouldn't make a point of telling him just yet. Thank him for the card and pressie.

When yoh send invite you could mention it then to give him the opportunity not to come.

Do not accept money from him.

Loopytiles · 14/02/2019 07:52

OP should not give her DF a role in her wedding to “keep the peace” or because of what guests might think about him / their relationship.

Cheetahssitonfajitas · 14/02/2019 07:54

I'm presuming that you have refused the financial contribution? I think it's probable he won't be in attendance once he finds out he won't be walking you down the aisle. You are absolutely within your rights to have who you like but as long as you appreciate how big a deal that likely is for him and that it will probably end the relationship entirely and begin NC. If his behaviour means it's worth that and that's what you want to achieve anyway then all good. It certainly sends a very strong message to him and to all the guests!

Auntiepatricia · 14/02/2019 07:59

Loopy it’s all very well to say that but her decisions WILL have consequences for HER. It’s up to her to decide how to play this. It’s a bad parent that puts their child in this sort of a no win situation but the OP will have to suffer the consequences of her choices here.

Foslady · 14/02/2019 08:03

Think of him as a toddler - if he behaves as one, treat him as one.

You have nothing to apologise for, and for the experience you are having now I ‘m dreading a bit if the day comes that my dd announced she’s getting married as I can see the same thing happening......

This is YOUR and YOUR PARTNERS day - if he’s not paying he has no say

cochineal7 · 14/02/2019 09:19

I don’t think you owe it to him, but for your own peace of mind I would tell him that your mum will be walking you down the aisle sooner rather than later. He can then decide whether or not to come. Or have a tantrum, but at least then that’s out of the way. Otherwise you will be dreading telling him all the time and it will become a bigger and bigger issue. And then the inevitable tantrum will come close to the wedding. So for your own sake: tell him now and get it over with.

Aprilshowersarecomingsoon · 14/02/2019 09:23

I wouldn't even have him there.
Mil assumed she was invited to ours. Dh went to see her and told her she wasn't.
No need your df has to put himself out is there?
Will he be missed?

Onlyjoinedforthisthread · 14/02/2019 09:34

I would tell him sooner rather than later that you've asked your mum go walk you down the aisle, otherwise it's going to play on your mind.

I wouldn't mention the birthday presents etc. They are irrelevant to the discussion

mummmy2017 · 14/02/2019 09:49

I would say that thank you for the unexpected Birthday Gift.
I was not asking you to contribute to my wedding, I don't think we have a normal parent child relationship, so felt it was unfair to expect this of you.
The reason we told you the date was I case you wanted to attend as a guest
Invite will be sent nearer the date ..
Hope you can attend...
Daughter.

CanTomJonesCloseHisEyes · 14/02/2019 10:18

You having your mum walk you down the aisle will be the nail in the coffin because he’ll be very angry/upset which is a reasonable reaction to this I feel.

Given his behavior how on earth is it reasonable!

People only have their mum do the aisle thing when their dad is dead or an utter bastard so that’s the message everyone, not just him, will take from the aisle issue.

From what the OP describes I'd say he fits the utter bastard role quite well.

Auntiepatricia · 14/02/2019 10:24

Actually the OP has given pretty broad details on her DF and how ‘bad’ he is. He certainly sounds like an awkward individual but if his greatest crime is saying he couldn’t visit once a year and being offended they didn’t chat to him about venues then we really don’t know exactly how those two things went down in reality. The tone and OPs own behaviour could have been many different ways. Maybe it’s a clash of personalities? Maybe the DF is a nervous traveller (my FIL is a very nice man but scared of flying and too embarrassed to admit it or clearly say that’s the reason he wouldn’t visit us when we were a short flight away).

So many unclear things about this father daughter relationship and we’ve only heard the OPs interpretation of the story.

OP, is he a bad man? Do you love him? Do you think he’s cruel and deserves to be cut off from you and your family or does the things he says and does just wind you up a bit?

CanTomJonesCloseHisEyes · 14/02/2019 10:26

I think some posters might have missed a couple of things in the OP.

My dad and I are low contact due to him previously saying it was too much effort to visit us once a year

He said it was too much effort to visit ONCE a year!
and

Over the years he's shut me out a lot from him family

He deserves fuck all consideration.

Tighnabruaich · 14/02/2019 10:30

What's it got to do with him when and where you get married? I'd uninvite him and continue to have your mum walk you down the aisle. It's a wonder he could be bothered to come to the wedding in the first place.

youknowmedontyou · 14/02/2019 10:50

Exactly what @mummmy2017 said, that's just brilliant!

My guess is once he realises he's not walking you down the aisle he will

Withdrawn funding
Not attend

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 14/02/2019 11:14

It's got bugger all to do with your Dad where you decide to get married.

Likewise, it's got bugger all to do with him who walks you down the aisle.

Tell him the facts. Tell him your Mum is walking you down the aisle. Tell him you would appreciate financial help but it's not essential or a condition of his invitation. And tell him it's up to him if he wants to attend, but you won't tolerate any tantrums or outbursts on the day.

Then just leave it and get on with planning your wedding day.

Original poster

LOTR · 14/02/2019 17:28

I haven't made a response to the financial contribution offer - it came inside a congrats card three days ago after ignoring us for a month.

A PP asked about my relationship with my stepmum - she's been nicer about the wedding than he has but generally its not a good relationship.

I suppose the 'utter bastard' is more based on disinterest than nastiness. He certainly has never included me in the family and I'm felt very upset over the years but have kind of accepted that you can't force people to want to be around you.

He's not a bad man except with cruelty and thoughtlessness and I suppose I love him but no one would miss him - we never see him!

OP posts:

CheshireChat · 14/02/2019 17:39

LOTR he isn't a bad man except his cruel, thoughtless, doesn't bother maintaining a relationship, but tantrums if you don't ask for sagely advice...

CheshireChat · 14/02/2019 17:40

He's!!

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