To carry on the argument? Wedding/stepfamilies drama

[LOTR]

Hi. Backstory to this is that I got engaged end of last year. We booked the wedding and rang my dad to tell him the date. My dad and I are low contact due to him previously saying it was too much effort to visit us once a year - we see each other only occasionally and talk only to arrange visits. Over the years he's shut me out a lot from him family - due to stepfamily drama. He's only met my fiance three times.

He kicked off over the phone saying very hurtful things about 'finding out last' and put the phone down on me. He took a month to talk to us.

He sent a very pointed message about us being selfish in booking the venue without his input. No apology. By chance it was my birthday and he sent something (v. V. unexpected to hear from him at all on my bday).

Before all this happened, I'd asked my mum to walk me down the aisle. She will be furious if I ask her to share this with my dad rather than do it by herself. My dad still doesn't know this as he was so furious over the date and the lack of apology over shouting at me for no good reason is still bothering me.

AIBU to text him and say regardless of bday presents etc, we still haven't fixed the argument and explain my POV? Or should I just let things settle and then address the aisle thing separately closer to the wedding?

He sounds awful
He can't be bothered with you or your fiance but he wants to present as the loving father to your guests
Tell him he won't be walking you down the aisle as he isn't part of your life then he has the option not to come at all if he chooses that

I'm so sorry OP. He doesn't want to be there to support you, just to be seen.

It boils down to the issue of how you would feel if he decided a) not to come or b) distance himself even further in the form of no further contact with you. If he takes offence at not being the one to walk you down the aisle - because what you have said about him would render reaction a or b fairly certain.

If you don't care - and I can't say anyone would blame you in the slightest , then just do as you have planned.
If you want a quieter less drama filled day ( but at the expense of not making a public declaration of just how fab your mum has been in your upbringing ) then let him do it .

Is there a possibility that the offer of a financial contribution has been prompted by the stepmother rather than him if she’s the nicer/more interested one?

It seems odd to go from struggling to fit in an annual visit to giving money towards a wedding on your birthday (I’m reading it as though he usually forgets).

How can you forget your child's birthday?
More a case of choosing to ignore it.
Maybe the offer of financial help is to try and bribe the op into being decent and civilised with her father and his wife.

Don't accept the money he will use it to control you and bully you about your wedding.
I had my mum walk me down the isle. Firstly there was no way was I being given away by one man to another. Just so wrong in this day and age. Secondly I was nervous and if there's one person other than my now husband who I'd want holding my hand at such a time it's my mum.
Its your wedding do what you want. If he loves you he's still go, if he doesn't at least you know. Congratulations on your engagement.

Honestly- I walked myself down the aisle at my wedding because I didn't want my dad to do it and I was worried about the fall out if I asked the person I wanted, my stepdad, to do it. 10 years on and I haven't spoken to my dad for 8 of them while my stepdad has continued to be my rock and support me and my family.
I wish I could go back and have my wedding my way - it wasn't worth compromising over and it sounds like your dad is going to make it hard for you whatever you do, so my advice would be not to give in for easy life you won't get anyway.

Have whoever you want to walk you down the aisle OP or no-one. It’s pretty old-fashioned the idea of the male parent giving his possession away for another man to possess anyway. I don’t think not having your dad do it gives off any sort of message at all except that we live in the 21st century. Tell him soon, otherwise it’ll be hanging over you and stressing you out more.

Don’t even bother inviting him @LOTR. There’s seriously no point. Don’t send a final invitation in the mail nor a save the date. You can’t trust him to not bring drama to your wedding.

I had a very similar experience with my brother with whom I’m low contact. The way he reacted to something innocuous I texted him regarding my engagement cemented that he couldn’t be a functioning adult at our wedding. So, I never sent him an invite. He will seriously not be missed. Your father won’t be either. You’ll save yourself tonnes of headache and heartache.

Absolutely this is about "ownership", you're his daughter so he must give you away, although he's done fuck all to support you as a father should.

Tbh, I've never noticed who walks who down the aisle, I'm usually looking at the bride. And I can't be arsed making judgements about other people's relationships from a 30 second stroll.