Pushy parents making us feel left out..

[CaseofEllen]

Hi everyone,

I feel bad even posting this as I love my parents dearly but I need to know AIBU?

Me and my DP are expecting our first baby in March, he's also my parents first grandchild. They have been really great throughout pregnancy, brought us lots of lovely bits, been supportive and I've even ask my DM to be a birth partner alongside DP (DP is happy with this too!)

The thing is, whenever they talk about our baby they always talk about it from their perspective! Things like:

• we can't wait to take him to the beach for the first time
• we're going to see him everyday
• he's OUR grandson (emphasis on the our)

When I talk about 'my son' my mum gets annoyed, she even said the other day 'just raise him exactly like we raised you and your sister' and they're annoyed because we've said they can't take him on holiday with them in October (he'll be 6.5 months).

My DP said he feels like he's an added extra in their eyes as they don't talk about him as my babies dad, they just talk about being his grandparents. They haven't asked DP how he feels about being a first time dad for example.

I know they don't mean to intentionally make us feel this way but I am getting worried, me and DP are creating our own family unit and I don't want it to come to blows when DS is here!

Any advice appreciate! Xx

OP I could have written this, my mom even told me 'you'll raise her like I raised you'! My parents were very focussed on what they would get to do as grandparents and were (and still are now DDs 18 months old) very jealous of DPs involvement with DD (his own daughter!) to the extent of pushing him out. I think they'd have only been happy if I was a single parent living with them. They talked about all the things they would do with DD and were under the impression they would be taking DD on holiday. It's really irritating as it was like they thought they were having another daughter!

The only way I have dealt with it is by taking a massive step back. I realised they still saw me as a child, not an adult with a life independent of them. I stopped relying on them for anything, didn't let them buy any big items for the baby and didn't have my mom there at the birth. 18 months down the line it's better, but I've still had clashes with them (them insisting DD needs 'a smack' when she tantrums, which I don't agree with). I've never let them babysit DD as I don't trust them not to ignore my choices as her parent (particularly over the smacking).

My DP said he feels like he's an added extra in their eyes
This is exactly how DP felt and a major part of why I dealt with this issue, and made it very clear to them that HE was the person I was having a baby with, not them. He would be the equal parent with me and they would be a grandparent, not a parent. It's not fair on him to feel like that in his own family.

To those who say it's fine, just excited grandparents and you'll need them as babysitters, it's not always that simple. My parents are very interfering, and try to take control over everything. The OPs parents want to take a 6 month old on holiday without its parents! That's insane.

Perhaps you should run through some possible scenarios in your head now just in case. From my mum and PIL, they seem to still think we are the children and they are the parents so they know best. Quiet but firm resistance seems to work quite well.

If you do want your DM at the birth, please ensure she knows what will happen when baby is here. Will baby be handed to you and then if needed your DH? I have a friend who's mother at the birth got to hold baby and cut the cord before the mother even held her own child! She was too tired to argue but was very upset and her DH was a bit shellshocked.

I agree that this would concern me. You need to set boundaries with your parents, I would kindly but firmly pull them up every time they say something like this. Now. Starting today. It will get 100% worse when there's a real beautiful little baby to tug of war over.
Btdt, it would have been much less painful for everyone if I'd had the guts to set those boundaries firmly and early (we had a big huge falling out and are now no contact)

They are just excited but regardless of the positive place they are coming from your dh is still feeling devalued. You need to lay down some ground rules now. Tell them you know they are excited but some of the firsts will be just for the three of you. Also, perhaps if you feel your dm is going to be overbearing, you should start as you mean to go on and just have dh at the birth.

My parents are like this. Talk of buying a caravan for all the holidays they envision taking our daughter on.

Be firm, op. It's nice that they are excited but they've had their children. It's your turn now.

This needs to be nipped firmly in the bud now rather than later.

Your parents already raised their kids.

I was at the birth of a couple of my DGC. But the rest of it is bonkers!

I am a baby boomer GP too and I have never wanted to visit every day. I have never suggested taking any of them on holiday without the parents. None of this is 'excitement' or remotely normal!

Nip this in the bud now and it may prevent you having rows later.

Start by removing her from your birth plan. You can't have it both ways. You are saying shenis over invested and yet inviting her to be there at the very moment your baby enters the world. Cut the apron strings, your DM does not to be present at every special event of your life. Your DH has no need to worry, there will be plenty of staff there, make sure it is you and him, not you, him and her shouting MY GRANDCHILD'S COMING OUT. THAT'S MY GRANDCHILD. I CAN SEE MY GRANDCHILD'S HEAD.

You need to start changing the subject, its natural she is excited, its a first grandchild but stop telling her everything, if she goes on about what she is going to do / plans for your baby, talk about something else. Answer with 'well DH as I will need to discuss that' before promising anything.

Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries.
This is not excitement it’s the first signs of controlling behaviour. My parents and in laws were excited about their grandchildren being born but would never have suggested anything remotely like your parents are.
And having your mother at the birth is a recipe for disaster - she will be in competition with your DH. You don’t need two birthing partners - your DH will be enough. And he needs to step up - of course he’s nervous - what expectant father isn’t - but he’s going to be a parent so he needs to get on with it. Definitely remove your mother from the birthing plan.

A pp mentioned the 'first hold' scenario at your birth... If you feel strongly about it, you could always write "I wish to have skin to skin cuddles straight after birth (for e.g.), then partner to have first hold, followed by grandmother" in your birth plan/maternity notes for the midwife to read.

OP " I have told him a part of me wants it to just be me and him now"

IMHO you should only have the people/person present at the birth who you want. That's it, no more.

The feelings of your mum, your dh etc do not trump your feelings. Do what is right for you.

Tell them they are being weird. My dd only had overnight visits from age 3 (and very few of them) and my son from age 7. Your child, your rules.

Congratulations.

Also, birth is not always straight forward. It just may not work out for her to be there after all, I would be discussing different scenarios with her, and telling her that you & dh will decide what will be happening in any given scenario. Nip that fantasy in the bud, you giving birth is not a production for her to see the birth of her grandchild. She's there to support you. Or not, if you'd prefer. Your bodily autonomy and dignity in birth is a perfectly reasonable boundary.

Sit them down. Ask them to play ‘Simon says’ with you.

‘Simon says stick out your tongue’
‘Now Simon says clamp your teeth across your tongue. Upper and lower teeth, that’s the way.’

‘Right, now practice this at home every night together. It’s a skill you’ll need when the baby is born. We’ll be raising him/her our way and will brook no arguments, commentary or gossip. Start biting your tongues now, so it’ll feel more natural down the track...’

That's really patronizing @skittlrsand beer.

I'd tell anyone who spoke to me like that to fuck off baby or no baby.

You definitely need to immediately start setting firm boundaries, starting with the birth. Knock her off your birthing plan. Tell her you all feel like they're starting to take over and you and your husband need time with the baby initially. Surely asking her to be there actually says you don't feel confident in yourself and your husband and you want her input? You've almost set this situation up.

Remember you may need your dm in the early days if you are not feeling great or just need some help so keep her close for then. Ignore a lot of the talk. She has forgotten how tiring babies are and as she is not getting younger l can see her enthuasism running out pretty quickly.
As for the holiday it won't happen so just let that talk over your head. But l wouldn't lay down too many rules at this stage in case she backs off completely and you badly need her.
As for asking your dh how he feels, thats a step too far...you are expecting too much.

You sound very lucky to have them.

What is this obsession some grandparents have about being alone with the baby?? What do they want to do with it that they can't do with the parents present? It really creeps me out and I can't understand it at all. OP, get those boundaries laid out now before the baby comes. You'll be too exhausted to argue when it's here!

Maybe rethink your birthplan. Your. DP may be nervous but this us where antenatal classes come in so you both know what to expect.
Youve already started to get stressed at your parents and this stress will follow on during birth where you may get worried that your mum will take over. I can imagine she will take over and push your DP out of the way and start taking the firsts from that moment. You'll be in tue good hands of the midwife who will maintain calm.

Try not to include your mum at any midwife appointments, attend the birth/delivery centre tour or read your maternity notes. Its different gaining info on her perspective but taking over is completely controlling

Many hospitals only allow 1 birthing partner. I would urge you to speak to your midwife and gain her perspective. She will come across this a lot.

You'll find in hospital you'll need you and your partner to go through the birthing plan during any handovers of midwife too as they don't always have time. Or remember to read every bit. Your DP will act as your advocate should you be unable to. Could you trust your mum to follow your plan or would she take over decisions that you and your DP have discussed. I can imagine her saying 'its my daughter I know what she needs' and overruling your DP and you. You may just cave in under the stress or for any easy life.

You don't need to explain yourself on your parenting method and can just say 'oh ok, we will take that on board' if you really have to ask her to read up about the fourth trimester and that you and your DP are making your own choices.

Your mum is being ridiculous about the holiday. I imagine she will be telling you how you should be feeding baby soon and if you breastfed she'd start being negative as the baby will always be fed by you.

I found I got annoyed by things id hear grandparents say but I would just state new research, reiterate what my midwife or health visitor said or just say "we are doing it X way" and if they continued I would say "thanks for your advice but we will be doing it X way"

As for them talking about going for walks and spending time that is general excitement. But you must make it clear that they won't be going on holiday. And maybe think about how often they will visit during the first week. Boundaries on not waking the baby, not taking it out of your or DP arms without you wanting to. The most important thing when baby is born is it being next to mum to build a strong bond. Plenty of skin to skin, cuddles, looking into their eyes.

Grandparents can have a cuddle but just be aware they sound like they want to relive it through your child, take over and make parenting decisions.

HedgePlastic

No they aren't lucky. OPs parents are taking over and are disempowering her right to make decisions for her own baby. She and her partner are getting unnecessarily stressed that even when they discuss.things they are getting shot down.

Grandparenting isn't a second chance to do what you wanted to with your own in terms of parenting. But they can do fun activities but need to stick to what the parents want in terms of feeding, discipline, etc.

I would absolutely reconsider having your mother at the birth. This is supposed to a bonding and magical moment for you and dp, not you and your dm.

You perhaps need to start as you mean to go on, and that means dp being prioritised over your parents.

You are about to become a new family, you need to decide on boundaries now. Your mother sounds very controllling to me. Watch out op. It doesn’t sound so much like excitement as a hostile take over.

I would be taking the be huge step backwards if I were you. Become much more independent, and then you won’t need to rely on them so much.

If they didn’t have overbearing grandparents wanting to take over with their own babies, then they WILL be able to understand your point of view. They may not want to, but I would make things very clear now.

I think you'd be mad to have her as a birth partner. You need people around you who will advocate on your and she has clearly shown you that she doesn't respect your choices so won't do this.

Could you say something like "We've realised that the birth of our baby is a special moment in our relationship and we've decided we want to keep it intimate between the two of us. I'm sorry if you're disappointed but I know you'll understand and respect our choice."

Id be careful your DM doesn't try and hold the baby first before u and DP 😬