Pushy parents making us feel left out..

[CaseofEllen]

Hi everyone,

I feel bad even posting this as I love my parents dearly but I need to know AIBU?

Me and my DP are expecting our first baby in March, he's also my parents first grandchild. They have been really great throughout pregnancy, brought us lots of lovely bits, been supportive and I've even ask my DM to be a birth partner alongside DP (DP is happy with this too!)

The thing is, whenever they talk about our baby they always talk about it from their perspective! Things like:

• we can't wait to take him to the beach for the first time
• we're going to see him everyday
• he's OUR grandson (emphasis on the our)

When I talk about 'my son' my mum gets annoyed, she even said the other day 'just raise him exactly like we raised you and your sister' and they're annoyed because we've said they can't take him on holiday with them in October (he'll be 6.5 months).

My DP said he feels like he's an added extra in their eyes as they don't talk about him as my babies dad, they just talk about being his grandparents. They haven't asked DP how he feels about being a first time dad for example.

I know they don't mean to intentionally make us feel this way but I am getting worried, me and DP are creating our own family unit and I don't want it to come to blows when DS is here!

Any advice appreciate! Xx

[Bluerussian]

You're parents are a bit much - pushy. When you have your baby you will be able to organise things to suit you and the baby, with husbands help, so stop worrying.
congratulations

[Bluerussian]

I meant 'your parents' are a bit much,
'husband's'

[Lalliella]

Every day?? Aaarrghh! Leave the country OP! Leave now!

[CruCru]

Don’t tell them any baby names. Just announce the name once the child is born (and, ideally, registered).

[blackteasplease]

My DM did this slightly inadvertently.

I read an article about baby boomers' first reaction to being told their child / dil is ecpecting- "oh, what will I be called?"

Dm did tell d's that he was her grandson very early on, and for ages he denying he was anything but her grandson, I.e. not my so, not dds brother etc. But she didn't do that on purpose.

[BollocksToBrexit]

I cannot help wondering if you feel like this why did you ask your DM to be at the birth?

I think that's the first boundary to be reinstated. 'Sorry mum but I now feel it's important that it's just DP at the birth. We need to do this together as partners and have some time to bond as a new family unit'. Or something like that.

[LilaJude]

YABU to use the phrase ‘our own family unit’, which is only fractionally less nauseating that ‘our own little family’.

Talk to your parents - explain gently how they are making you and your DP feel. Better to nip it in the bud now!

[homegrownmumma]

I think you might regret having your mum as a birth partner , I can imagine her having first hold rather than your partner

[Fairyliz]

But surely when any of us talk about anything we see it from our own perspective???

You have said they have been supportive and bought lots for the baby. Its their first grandchild I think they are just over excited, please don't knock them back, you might need their help one day.

I think they might be a bit calmer when the baby arrives and they are reminded of the sick, poo and sleepless nights.

[BackforGood]

What StickerRocks and You'llHaveHadYourTea said on P1.

they are just excited. Nod and smile.
When the baby is here they'l bee reminded how much hard work it is and might change their thinking.

As for "asking dp how he feels about being a first time Dad" . Really ? I can honestly say in all my decades on this earth I've never asked a Dad to be that, and my dh (nor, as far as I'm aware) anyone I know has ever been asked that. It really isn't common parlance.

No need for any confrontation as this stage. Wait and see how things pan out once the baby is here. Then, if you need to you can have a chat about specific things that you feel they are crossing the line on.

[Iflyaway]

Why did you ask your DM to be at the birth?

It should be a time of bonding for your family. You, DH and baby.

She'll probably sideline him completely when baby has arrived. Don't do this to him.

They sound like they don't respect your individuality.

'just raise him exactly like we raised you and your sister'

Shudder!

Your DH was not "raised exactly like you and your sister".

It's a new family unit, one for you and DH to navigate, not them to put their ideas as "how it's going to be".

Stand up to your parents or it will cause problems in your marriage, maybe that's what they want, you to divorce and them to have total control over their grandchild.

[RomanyQueen1]

Unless she does a complete u turn you can't have her at the birth, she'll be a nightmare and the last thing both of you will need.
Set boundaries now, I'd tell her the mw unfortunately says one only, unless she knows better, of course.

[emzw12]

I feel for you - been there with the in laws!
My parents were super chilled and understanding, never forced their views or wants on us around our first child. But the in laws were a whole different ball game. They wanted to take baby on holiday etc like yours in the end I just ignored their requests didn't even say no I literally just ignored the comments. I think they've got the message at 2 years!

[user1493413286]

My mil can be like that; I smiled politely during my pregnancy but once DD was born kept a firm grip on me and DH making the decisions and doing the first things with her.
Unless you want them there every day I would say to them now that it won’t be happening like that

[emzw12]

Should also add that I have a friend who's mum has basically taken over the childcare, was at the birth etc etc, hubby completely pushed out! Now my friend wonders why her hubby is so shit with the kids - he's literally never been allowed to do anything with them cuz mother in law has always been there.

[CaseofEllen]

Thanks for all the helpful responses, to answer a few questions..

We definitely wouldn't be happy with anyone coming round everyday after DS is born! We aren't having any visitors except grandparents for the first week or so anyway and want a couple of days just us, baby and the dog!

My mum and dads parents didn't look after me or my sister very much at all. The occasional day but not over night! I don't think my parents would've been happy with that arrangement and I do think I need to point this out to them, he is my child like I am theirs.

My DP actually really wanted my mum at the birth as he is also nervous! We asked her before these comments started being made and I have asked DP if he is still happy with this plan. He says he is, even though I have told him a part of me wants it to just be me and him now

I do understand how lucky we all are to have parents/grandparents that are so excited to meet baby but I absolutely hate the fact that my DP feels in any way pushed out and I need to put my family unit first xx

[Holidayshopping]

I feel sorry for your husband-please say something now. Imagine if this was your in-laws trying to take over with you-you’d want your DH to step up and back you up.

[TotHappy]

I wanted my mum at the birth. Didn't happen in the end, but I always think it's a good idea to have two birth partners. And it's your decision as the one labouring. I wish I had had my mum there, think she would've advocated for me better than DH. And I needed my mum!

[Hellywelly10]

Omg emzw i think i know this couple! Your mum sounds batshit op. Agree with others about setting boundaries but the cynic in me is wondering if you can use her for free childcare!

[Mummyoflittledragon]

My mother expected to be at the birth. She was told flatly no. Why do these parents think like this? My grandmother definitely wasn’t present for my birth.

This time is for you and dp and unless your mother can start to respect you as new parents, you definitely need to rescind the invite to the birth.

[Mummyoflittledragon]

If your dp is nervous, can you afford to pay for a doula?

[peanutbutterandbanana]

You parents have got issues. They seem to think that you are irrelevent in this child's life and they will be the ones making all the decisions. I think you need to be quite firm and create a distance right now! And what on earth is your mother doing at the birth? This is surely the first problem. Your poor DP is going to be pushed out of the way to make way for uber gran. I would tell her you've changed your mind and that you only want DP there. Yes, she will sulk a bit, but believe me you are going to have trouble wresting this child away from her. She will be giving him first cuddles before you AND DP by the sounds of it. This is such a special time for the two of you and your mother is going to be centre stage. Yikes.

PS - as the daughter of a narcissistic mother I had a lot of these issues. My mother could not understand why my children preferred to cuddle up to me when round at her house rather than her. I was just an intermediary for her to be the centre of my children's lives, in her eyes. Please be careful.

[Orangeballon]

They are excited to have another addition to their family, just let them have this as you will appreciate the unpaid babysitter when needed.

[ineedtostopgooglingsymptoms]

They sound similar to my parents. I’ve had a big fall out with my parents over their treatment of us during my pregnancy (due any day now). They have been very demanding and talking about THEIR grandchild and all the things they are going to do. I am literally just the incubator and my DH just has to do what my mum says according to them . So I don’t know what’s with their generation thinking an unborn baby is a toy rather than an actual human.

If you are close then try and have another conversation with them and set boundaries now (easier said than done I know). Otherwise this will get worse and fester.

Have they always been overbearing?

[ineedtostopgooglingsymptoms]

I get that they are excited but it isn’t an excuse to behave like this