Pushy parents making us feel left out..

[CaseofEllen]

Hi everyone,

I feel bad even posting this as I love my parents dearly but I need to know AIBU?

Me and my DP are expecting our first baby in March, he's also my parents first grandchild. They have been really great throughout pregnancy, brought us lots of lovely bits, been supportive and I've even ask my DM to be a birth partner alongside DP (DP is happy with this too!)

The thing is, whenever they talk about our baby they always talk about it from their perspective! Things like:

• we can't wait to take him to the beach for the first time
• we're going to see him everyday
• he's OUR grandson (emphasis on the our)

When I talk about 'my son' my mum gets annoyed, she even said the other day 'just raise him exactly like we raised you and your sister' and they're annoyed because we've said they can't take him on holiday with them in October (he'll be 6.5 months).

My DP said he feels like he's an added extra in their eyes as they don't talk about him as my babies dad, they just talk about being his grandparents. They haven't asked DP how he feels about being a first time dad for example.

I know they don't mean to intentionally make us feel this way but I am getting worried, me and DP are creating our own family unit and I don't want it to come to blows when DS is here!

Any advice appreciate! Xx

[Twofurrycatsagain]

This thread has made me think about my own lovely grandma - very loving but never over bearing or interfering. She did baby sit/have us to stay when older.
But.... When her oldest grandchild was born her youngest child was 5! I was grandchild number 4, one of 3 grandchildren born in a 5 month period. In total there were nine granchildren. The woman would've been on her knees seeing us all everyday.
My paternal grandparents had been had been grandparents for nearly 20 years when I was born.
So yes they can be excited but set your boundaries.

[storynanny]

I’m a grandmother of 6, this is absolutely not normal! I know perfectly well as they should that they are not my babies as I’ve already had mine!
I love all of mine dearly, in this country and overseas, and will do anything I am asked to help, but the idea of acting like your parents is ridiculous. We never call in unannounced, leave them be at the weekend to enjoy building their own leisure time activities and never ever ever give unsolicited advice!
We do one and a half day care for one of the babies at the moment and are totally exhausted by pick up time so the novelty for them might wear off when reality kicks in.
Do they not have a particularly fulfilling life away from their adult children? I can understand their desperation to be so involved if that is the case, but that is not your problem.
Try and get it sorted before you give birth and don’t let it spoil your first few precious weeks. Good luck.

[bullyingadvice2017]

I wouldn't have her at the birth. Sounds like you and do need to make a point of some things being private. Starting with that. Don't tell them every little thing in your lives etc

[KarineAimee]

OP, if your DP is nervous about the birth, I highly recommend you taking a hypnobirthing course together. It will allow you to make a birth plan together and it is very clear on the role of the dad. It gave my DH enormous confidence in the lead up to the the birth of our DD as he knew what to expect and what his role was. Hopefully this will either mean he is confident enough to overrule your Mum if she starts to overstep boundaries during labour/birth, or will decide that actually you and he are enough and he doesn’t need your Mum there at all. Hugs to you, sounds like a stressful situation. x

[Tawdrylocalbrouhaha]

I'd say wait and see how they really are after the baby is born.

I have FREQUENTLY noticed grandparents making enthusiastic plans for babysitting, holidays etc, and then backing off when faced with the reality of a squalling purple faced infant. In one case, after years of nagging for a grandchild, they announced shortly after the baby was born that they were emigrating to Turkey! So it may be that their enthusiasm wanes without the need for an intervention.

[Cornishclio]

We have 2 DGDs but would never act like your DPs. I wonder if having your DM at the birth is a good idea considering she is telling you how to raise your son. GPS need to realise they had their turn at bringing up children and now it is your turn. As for taking him on holiday you may be fine with that but equally make sure if you aren't then stand your ground. I think GPS need to be sensitive to different attitudes and information today re bringing up children. It is a different world now to when I was bringing up my 2 DDs so would not presume my DGDs should be brought up the same way.

[cptartapp]

Will your DP parents be wanting to visit everyday too?
Whether you can sit down and have a polite conversation with your parents about boundaries and expectations, and their reaction to that, will tell you a lot about your relationship with them. I agre with pp, strange dynamic in play here.

[floribunda18]

I hope they will be more sensible when the reality of looking after a tiny baby hits them. If you manage to breastfeed the baby it will actually handily preclude a lot of this automatically. YADNBU to establish some boundaries though. Don't expect them to be reasonable.

[ToffeePennie]

You need to stop this.
I had similar feelings from my in-laws (That I wasn’t their mum - I was just a useless spare part) and it’s down to you as their daughter to stop that from happening.

[Italiangreyhound]

Mine and dh's family all saw dd at hospital. Brief early visits ave photo ops then left us alone for a few weeks as a family. It was how I wanted it and it worked well.

[BrightYellowHat]

My first DC ripped her way out of my body - it was a horrible, painful mess that ended up in with me in in surgery several times. BUT even after that, the first few weeks with my DC and DH is the one of the happiest times I can remember. He stepped up and took care of us both. My gorgeous DD made the the rest of my problems worth it.
I'm all for including family , but those first few days/weeks together are something amazing. For that brief time you are allowed to put yourself first and your wider family second.

[Gemmamb]

I had my mum at the hospital and she was all excited making very similar comments. Unfortunately at the hospital it all went wrong as we had a complication and couldn't follow my birth plan. Me and my husband were very worried and stressed and my mum tried to take over and caused a massive row with my dh and the doctors saying we should do what she said etc. She called my husband a twat and stormed Off home. She then acted like the innocent party telling my dad and sister we upset her. She apologised in the end but a few months later she started commenting again and trying to take over. I was forced to set a clear boundary and point out that dd was my child and not hers. Things are ok now but that element of trust has gone and I've never left dd alone with her. dd is 3 now and I don't see this changing. I wish I set the boundary whilst I was still pregnant it would of saved a lot of arguments. Please try and sort it now before it's too late x

[TotHappy]

Yikes! My DH was like you lot about the birth, 'its a special moment for just us', I was like 'no, it's not, it's a time when I have to go through pain and stress and I want my mum, who knows what it's like, to be there!'
Op, you know your mum - don't have her there if you yourself don't want it. But equally don't exclude her for your DH's sake if you DO want her there. Its not anyone's special moment, it's whatevers best for you (and baby)

[BuggerOffAndGoodDayToYou]

And as for the birth... if DH struggles and needs to leave you will be fine with just your midwife. I had DS with just me and the midwife as DH had to be with DD (he wasn’t there when I had DD either, by mutual agreement, and I had a friend there instead).

[BuggerOffAndGoodDayToYou]

I also wanted to add, my daughter had never been without me or DH in 2 years, we never left her with anyone else and she was the most confident child at nursery when she started she was the only child that didn't cry, its not about leaving them its about how you bring them up.

^this

My DCs (adult and late teen now) have only spent a few hours EVER with any grandparent alone (for various reasons - mainly due to DF & DFil having wives that don’t like them seeing their own family 🙄) and neither spent a night away from home (except holidays with us) until their school residential trips. They are both confident and independent (even DS who has special needs). It’s definitely how you bring them up and nothing to do with leaving them with others.

[MulticolourMophead]

I'd also echo those saying reconsider your DM at the birth.

Ultimately, birth is not about fairness, it's about what will help the patient, ie the mother, give birth as comfortably as possible.

This means keeping your stress as low as possible, and if your DM is there it raises the risk of her taking over and that will likely cause unnecessary stress. I didn't have my mum present, and in fact neither did most women I know.

Yes, your DP is nervous, but quite frankly, so are the mums to be! It's natural, and the staff will do their best to help.

[LovingLola]

The whole dynamic between you and your parents is a bit strange to be honest. I really would start to put proper boundaries in place now.

[HJWT]

I also wanted to add, my daughter had never been without me or DH in 2 years, we never left her with anyone else and she was the most confident child at nursery when she started she was the only child that didn't cry, its not about leaving them its about how you bring them up.

[Ohtherewearethen]

Grandparents aren't the older siblings of the new baby, why should new parents have to worry about making sure they feel included or needed at what is one of the most exciting, beautiful and life-changing moments in their lives? Any reasonable grandparent would be very excited, a little nervous perhaps and absolutely delighted at the birth of their grandchild. Of course they will want to see them and as time goes on spoil them rotten but they should also understand and respect that this is on the parents' terms and not theirs. Once they realise this there's no reason why you can't all have a wonderful relationship going forward. Good luck with your baby OP! X

[importantkath]

My MIL was like this. She also requested to be at the birth. (No way!)
I told her that the people who were there when he was conceived were the people who would be there when he was born, plus our doctors.

She had made all sorts of plans to take DS everywhere without me. He was EBF so I asked DH to use that as an excuse when talking to her. She took it to mean that I was uncomfortable with her taking the baby. I wasn't happy but I didn't push it any further or try to justify myself. Sometimes it's just easier to be the bad guy.

She also seemed to forget that DS was 50% me and not a 100% miniature version of DS.

I found it was easier to guide her in ways that she could help. For example, making a meal, doing a bit of cleaning. When you have appointments she will be delighted to watch him for you. Invite her for walks. So we did stuff together, all of us and they had little bursts of time with him.

I tried to be really mindful of the fact that my parents once told me 'at this point, what we want, is to be needed.'

[Mookatron]

They do sound excited. I think sometimes parents of adult children forget their kids are not extensions of themselves so they don't feel like they're being intrusive because you can't intrude on yourself. Obvs this is wrong.

In your shoes I think I would start by having a very general conversation about what your Grandparents were like when you were a baby. Maybe have a list of questions in mind in case the conversation doesn't flow v well. Find out about your mum's feelings about her parents and in laws at that time rather than the practicalities. It may help her put herself in your position. You may find she felt her parents were not interested enough and is trying to be different. It might be something wise entirely. But that's a good place to start.

[CloudPop]

I'd make immediate plans to emigrate. Sounds like a nightmare.

[Anon10]

They don’t sound “just excited” to me, they sound controlling and overbearing OP. Personally I would think carefully about whether you really want your DM at the birth. Most men are apprehensive about the birth and the perceived responsibility. But having your DM there may well not help. The most important thing is that you feel relaxed and comfortable.
As for them taking your baby on holiday without you, that sounds like a far fetched fantasy. I don’t know any mothers who would be ok with that. The “needy” comment is extremely manipulative. Try to see it for what it is.
They should be thinking more about you and your DP at this stage, and less about themselves.

[poppycity]

Yikes. Excitement is one thing and lovely, but having such strong opinions on how you should be doing things (raising him/her just like you and your sister was raised, not allowing him/her to be "needy" and taking an infant on holiday without you?!) sounds like there will be some challenges ahead and what you and your DP want may be far less important to your Mum compared to what she wants.

I definitely think a well toned chat that you are very happy and grateful for their involvement, but just have some concerns and address a few key points - you will do things differently, you will need time just as a family unit, you aren't wanting judgement or their advice if not sought, are probably needed early on. It's still shocking to me someone would want to take an infant grandchild on hols without it's parents. I mean many/most babies are still reliant on their Mum's for feeding. I fear your Mum is going to have lots and lots of opinions as this is very early on to be quite so forthright.

I would also suggest inviting parents to come to the hospital, but saying to your Mum you aren't sure at what point you will want her in the delivery room. She can be on hand just in case, but if you don't want her in the moment, or your DP is shining (some do!) and coping well, then there's no pressure for her to be in there. I think he could easily feel not needed and that's probably not the best way to start as a Dad. Play it by ear rather than guaranteeing she will be there. This is your and your partners day.

Best wishes, hoping the chat goes well.

[HJWT]

Id be careful your DM doesn't try and hold the baby first before u and DP 😬