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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Hubby prioritizing hobby over valentines night

99 replies

takeabreak30 · 13/02/2019 20:20

Me and my husband don't usually do anything big for Valentine's Day, we do cards and he usually brings home a box of chocolates or flowers and I always cook us a meal that's as far as it goes. He doesn't get home from work until 7 so I planned on bribing our 3 children to go to bed early so that we could watch a movie. Tonight he told me he was going running as usual tomorrow so wouldn't be home until 9 and to eat with the kids instead of waiting for him to get home. Our ds overheard and reminded him it was Valentine's Day and my husband explained to ds that he has an important marathon he needs to train for. I'm feeling really upset as my husband runs a few marathons a year. We have to schedule our family holidays around his marathons which I can just about cope with but now I'm feeling really like I'm bottom of his priorities. I know that we could do dinner and a movie another night but tomorrow is Valentine's Day after all. AIBU to be miffed he would rather spend valentines night with his friends running than with his wife.

OP posts:

WhatWouldJackReacherDo · 14/02/2019 09:38

Why is everyone coming on here to tell the OP she shouldn't care about Valentine's Day, it's all commercial nonsense, blah blah? She wasn't asking for opinions on whether she's allowed to celebrate it.

OP - I think it's unkind that your husband is prioritising himself and his hobby over what is your usual custom - without any discussion. It does seem like you're bottom of the list and I would feel a bit hurt in your shoes.

I would tell him I was disappointed that he made this plan without talking to you about it considering that you usually do something together. And I agree - it's time for you to have a hobby!

havingtochangeusernameagain · 14/02/2019 09:38

I'm going running tonight too OP. I'm definitely not wasting money on an indifferent overpriced meal with poor service when I could get a much nicer meal with decent service on any day that isn't Valentine's Day (or Mother's Day), and I can watch a DVD any night of the week.

CostanzaG · 14/02/2019 09:39

If you substitute running for basketball you might actually be married to my ex-H.
And this is a big reason why he is my Ex. It's not about valentine's day it's the constantly feeling like you aren't a priority. My ex once booked a restaurant for V day and promised he would only play the first half of the game so we could make it in time - he'd already missed my birthday for a game.
Lo and behold i'm sat at home all dressed up and he turns up over an hour late because 'his team needed him' . We missed our reservation ended up doing nothing.
I wish someone would have told me then to take heed and not marry him. But I did....and it got worse. Saw the light eventually though.

havingtochangeusernameagain · 14/02/2019 09:40

Oh and take up running yourself (or any hobby that interests you) and make him share the time away from the kids. That I do agree with.

But not the Valentines Day bit - pointless manufactured nonsense.

havingtochangeusernameagain · 14/02/2019 09:42

I have long thought that those who sneer at others who do celebrate and say they don't need to be told on which day to show affection actually have OH's who never show much affection whether Valentines day or the other 364 days of the year

No I have an OH who does show me affection every day (and vice versa).

DoingMyBest2010 · 14/02/2019 09:44

Nah, we don't bother. We will have a 'buffet' of fingerfood things for dinner (DD's favourite meal) and then slob for the rest of the evening. DH is travelling abroad tomorrow and DD is away for half term with her granny, so it's probably panic stations packing suitcases. We had toast in the shape of a hear this morning though :-)

DontCallMeCharlotte · 14/02/2019 09:55

I actually think it's not about Valentine's day is it?

If you read the OP it is more about coming second best to DP marathon running - family holidays being planned around these events

Absolutely this. I think with Valentine's Day for OP is the thin end of the wedge/last straw/tip of the iceberg/end of her tether etc.

I watched "I, Tonya" last night. That might solve your problem !

irregularegular · 14/02/2019 10:04

But have you actually told him that you wanted to spend Valentine's together. I know you said your ds reminded him it was Valentine's, but he might still have no idea that you care!

You need to talk about this, and either persuade him to swap his running to another day, or you arrange a special evening in/out at the weekend to make up.

Personally I'm going to my book group as usual and it didn't occur to me to do anything else. DH will won't be back from leading cubs until 8pm anyway. But if he told me he wanted to spend the evening together I would. And I'd think he was pretty daft if he felt unhappy about me going out and didn't say anything.

PBo83 · 14/02/2019 10:50

If you want to do something for Valentine's day then tell him. If you don't normally do anything to mark it then he won't see a problem with treating it as 'just another day'. If you think you may have hinted at it then there's a good chance he wouldn't have picked up on it (blokes aren't good with subtle hints...I know that, I am one!).

mydogisthebest · 14/02/2019 22:44

PK37, well at least my post gave you a laugh. Better than all the sneering posts.

I think the very fact that you don't think Valentines is for adults and, in your words, "def not married couples" says it all. Unlike far too many married couples, we still have romance in our relationship and we make sure we do something on Valentines AS WELL AS MANY OTHER DAYS OF THE YEAR!!!!

PCohle · 14/02/2019 22:57

Does he know that you had planned to do something for Valentine's? After years of not doing much I don't think it's fair for him to have to mindread that this year you want to do something. Tell him that it's Valentine's Day and you'd love to spend some time with him and see how he reacts.

I think this is clearly a much deeper issue about the priority he is giving to running.

headViper · 15/02/2019 02:29

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

timeisnotaline · 15/02/2019 05:34

Is the next family holiday booked op? Or can you book it for what you want when you want? I think it might be time your husband adjusted some things to prioritise your family.

Cheeeeislifenow · 15/02/2019 07:06

I wish people would read the op.
He gets cards, flowers chocs every year, op always cooks them a Nice meal.

Op isn't changing her expectations at all.

straightjeans · 15/02/2019 07:13

Valentine's Day had been around since the Roman times. So all of you jumping on the 'manufactured holiday' thing are just being loud and wrong.

As for the original post, it's clear that the husband puts his running ahead of everything else all year round, that is the real issue at hand.

Original poster

takeabreak30 · 15/02/2019 12:27

Thanks everyone for the replies. Just an update. When we were having breakfast with the kids he hands me my card with a weekend away for us in it as he knew I wouldn't want chocolates due to wanting to loose weight. I told him I hadn't bought him anything and had planned a nice dinner instead but as he was going running we'd have to do it another night as . Immediately he was like no I'l be home and then he apologized saying he hadn't been thinking fully. We had a lovely night hope everyone else did too whatever way you celebrated.

OP posts:

PCohle · 15/02/2019 12:40

Aww lovely update OP

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 15/02/2019 12:48

Awwww lovely

HappyLife21 · 15/02/2019 13:39

That’s lovely!

ThreeAnkleBiters · 15/02/2019 13:47

Lots of the posters seem like they can't read. They see valentines day and think "I don't like valentines day" and answer without engaging their brains.

OP said she normally cooks a meal for her DH on Valentine's day he has effectively cancelled those assumed plans without bothering to ask her so he can go running (which he could also do any day of the week).

It sounds like in general he's decided running marathons is so important that it comes first regardless and the family have to slot in around it. I doubt OP's hobbies or social life get the same level of priority. I would be pissed off too OP.

ThreeAnkleBiters · 15/02/2019 13:47

Aaaah cross post. That's lovely OP!

ketchupormayo · 15/02/2019 15:10

My husband runs marathons and it does take over your life. They watch what they eat and drink constantly and won't have an evening off. It really takes over your life I hate them! So you have my sympathy!

LellowYedbetter · 15/02/2019 15:11

YABU. I went to karate last night. DH was glad to get a bit of time alone to play his computer games.

timeisnotaline · 15/02/2019 16:04

Awww I’m glad you’ve got one of the good ones op

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