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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Hubby prioritizing hobby over valentines night

99 replies

takeabreak30 · 13/02/2019 20:20

Me and my husband don't usually do anything big for Valentine's Day, we do cards and he usually brings home a box of chocolates or flowers and I always cook us a meal that's as far as it goes. He doesn't get home from work until 7 so I planned on bribing our 3 children to go to bed early so that we could watch a movie. Tonight he told me he was going running as usual tomorrow so wouldn't be home until 9 and to eat with the kids instead of waiting for him to get home. Our ds overheard and reminded him it was Valentine's Day and my husband explained to ds that he has an important marathon he needs to train for. I'm feeling really upset as my husband runs a few marathons a year. We have to schedule our family holidays around his marathons which I can just about cope with but now I'm feeling really like I'm bottom of his priorities. I know that we could do dinner and a movie another night but tomorrow is Valentine's Day after all. AIBU to be miffed he would rather spend valentines night with his friends running than with his wife.

OP posts:

HappyLife21 · 13/02/2019 21:14

Can you guys not celebrate another day

But the point is that they don’t have to. The DH is just going for a run, and it sounds like he goes for a lot of them, so the OP is being ditched for nothing more than business as usual.

You could spend Valentine's Day with your kids

Is that a joke? Sounds like the OP spends lent of time with her kids, whilst the DH goes out for his runs!

Jux · 13/02/2019 21:15

Valentine's Day is for teenagers in love and greeting card manufacturers. That's it.

Which one are you?

SpanielEars070 · 13/02/2019 21:16

Valentine's day is for teenagers.

We celebrate our wedding anniversary.

But I can understand that you're feeling neglected. It's pretty shit to be at the bottom of someone's list of priorities, so no you aren't being unreasonable at all in the circumstances .

I'd cook you and the kids a really nice meal, and have a nice evening with them instead.

mydogisthebest · 13/02/2019 21:19

Londonrach, what a nasty thing to say.

Plenty of couples who have been together a while and don't have any problems celebrate Valentines. Me and DH have always celebrated it in 39 years of marriage and YES we do show love, affection and respect other days too.

We quite often surprise the other with a gift or a card or a night out or a night away or a meal

HappyLife21 · 13/02/2019 21:20

People are being so rude on this thread

mydogisthebest · 13/02/2019 21:24

Just for teenagers is it? Some of you need to grow up.

Me and DH celebrate our wedding anniversary and the anniversary of the date we met AND Valentines Day and have done for 39 years.

You may not celebrate it but many people do. Lots of the couples I know do including my parents who have been married 67 years and my brother who has been married 37 years.

adaline · 13/02/2019 21:25

The DH is just going for a run, and it sounds like he goes for a lot of them, so the OP is being ditched for nothing more than business as usual.

But equally OP never arranged anything. If I wanted someone to be free on a certain evening, I would ask them in advance - not the evening before!

But then my dad is a runner and he planned his training schedule for events well in advance - certain distances on certain days with rest days scheduled in to make sure he got plenty of rest and didn't overdo things - so I can see the DH's side really clearly.

But at the end of the day it's a meal at home and a film - it can happen any night of the week. Why not just avoid an argument and re-arrange it for another day? It's really not worth getting upset over, is it?

BackforGood · 13/02/2019 21:25

YABU.

Valentine's Day is for teenagers in love and greeting card manufacturers. That's it.

This ^

You've said yourself you don't make a 'thing' of it.
I presume, when prepping for a marathon, there is a schedule to follow ? and / or a commitment to his running group. Why can't you watch a film together and eat a meal without the dc on Friday night ? Sounds like a better night to me as no-one has to get up for work the next day so it is more relaxing.

LtJudyHopps · 13/02/2019 21:29

Did you discuss any of your thoughts/plans with him? If not, he has no idea you were planning to do something as he isn’t a mind reader.
If you did and he’s still planned to go, he’s unreasonable.

Belenus · 13/02/2019 21:31

It's not really about valentine's day, it's just that the day is, as ever, highlighting other problems. It's a shitty day precisely because it brings up these doubts.

Talk to him OP. Marathons are a huge commitment. As praiseworthy as it is doing them, he can run shorter distances and have more family time. He shouldn't be expecting the entire family to operate around his training schedule, unless he's Mo Farah.

foggyuplands · 13/02/2019 21:33

OP, if you think you are being taken for granted and your wants are being addressed last as usual you need to say this clearly to your DH. Are you getting the kind of time off that he is with all of this running?
If you want more couple time for the two of you say this loudly and clearly .

foggyuplands · 13/02/2019 21:36

I also don't see anything particulary virtuous about running, cycling or other hobbies often taken up by middle aged men who just assume that their parenting slack will be taken up by their DW.

DuffBeer · 13/02/2019 21:36

I couldn't get worked up by this. Valentines day is such a non event. However, I did end up buying a card and some booze for my husband out of guilt, in case he's got me something.

Osirus · 13/02/2019 23:23

It’s just Valentines Day. A stupid day made up by the greetings card industry. Seriously, get over it. Buy each other a card if you want and move on.

Er, no, it’s not made up by card companies! Google the history. And what a way to make the OP feel even worse .

I can see your point OP. Can you do something on a different day? We’re going out on Saturday as we are both working tomorrow.

To those fun sponges bashing those who like to do something on Valentines Day:

We don’t “buy into it” but treat it as an occasion to remind ourselves we need to have a nice meal out or make a special meal at home once in a while. We treat it as a bit of fun and do exchange cards.

I really, really cannot understand why so many people seem to get upset at the thought that some people actually do like to mark the occasion. It’s just a bit of fun. Try it, you might like it! I think some people who moan about Valentines Day are with partners who couldn’t give a fuck.

Yes, there are 365 days in the year to show love and appreciation and yes you can do that! I’m sure you also pay particular attention to your anniversaries. Why not 14th February too? Don’t be so bitter about others wanting to mark the day.

madcatladyforever · 13/02/2019 23:31

Maybe you are upset because you feel undervalued generally. I used to get upset about my ex husband ignoring my birthday. Not because I care about my birthday but because it was just another day he failed to care about or prioritise me at all. I think you need to take a good look at your whole relationship.

Eliza9917 · 13/02/2019 23:44

Try it, you might like it! I think some people who moan about Valentines Day are with partners who couldn’t give a fuck

Yes, I wonder how many of them don't get any acknowledgement or whatnot at any time and kid themselves that they don't care.

Cheeeeislifenow · 13/02/2019 23:49

Op I get it, my husband's hobby takes over every aspect of our life. Every Tuesday and Thursday night and when in training a full day every Sunday if he isn't working. He has missed birthday meals, mother's day celebration, Valentine's day, father's day and every other day you can think of. It's annoying and regardless of how much v day is made up the gesture would be nice.

HateIsNotGood · 13/02/2019 23:57

Time to get your own 'hobby'.

mydogisthebest · 14/02/2019 08:12

Osirus, I could not agree more. I have long thought that those who sneer at others who do celebrate and say they don't need to be told on which day to show affection actually have OH's who never show much affection whether Valentines day or the other 364 days of the year

GOODCAT · 14/02/2019 08:48

I'm with you OP we do cards and he cooks a nice meal for us and I try to get home earlier than usual (I am the one with late working hours and the time consuming hobby).

I have always been quite clear that while it may not matter to some I wanted us to make an effort on our wedding anniversary, birthdays, Christmas and Valentines Day. He knows it matters to me.

It means we both make an extra effort from time to time and that benefits us. We would quite easily fall into a situation where we fail to do that otherwise because there is no specific occasion.

I would also be disappointed that he wasn't making the effort to be there for that meal.

In your position I would be making it very clear that you are not happy about this and that he needs to make the effort. If you don't, you have years ahead where he won't make the effort and you lose a little something that is important to you and important to your particular marriage.

This does not matter to every person and does not matter for every marriage, but if it matters to you communicate that.

Pk37 · 14/02/2019 08:51

Why are some people so hung up on Valentine’s? I honestly don’t get it ..
It’s just a date that’s been ramped up by card shops .
I understand kids/ teens but not adults and def not married couples .
It’s just weird but whatever floats your boat

Pk37 · 14/02/2019 08:52

mydogisthebest that’s hilarious. Nice try though ..

Damntheman · 14/02/2019 08:55

Glad so see not ALL of you are completely missing the OP's point. This has nothing to do with Valentine's day and everything to do with her DP's lack of consideration. It's not like this is just one special marathon he's training for, it's one of many he does throughout the year that the family must adjust their schedules to fit.

He's being massively inconsiderate.

maslinpan · 14/02/2019 09:04

Even though OP doesn't want anything extravagant for Valentine's Day, it has finally emphasized her feelings that she comes a poor second to her OH's hobby. Its time for a frank discussion about how she is currently feeling.

Weezol · 14/02/2019 09:17

Are you getting the kind of time off that he is with all of this running?

I'm betting the answer to that question is 'no' and Valentine's day has brought a few things into sharp focus for you.

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