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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Hubby prioritizing hobby over valentines night

99 replies

takeabreak30 · 13/02/2019 20:20

Me and my husband don't usually do anything big for Valentine's Day, we do cards and he usually brings home a box of chocolates or flowers and I always cook us a meal that's as far as it goes. He doesn't get home from work until 7 so I planned on bribing our 3 children to go to bed early so that we could watch a movie. Tonight he told me he was going running as usual tomorrow so wouldn't be home until 9 and to eat with the kids instead of waiting for him to get home. Our ds overheard and reminded him it was Valentine's Day and my husband explained to ds that he has an important marathon he needs to train for. I'm feeling really upset as my husband runs a few marathons a year. We have to schedule our family holidays around his marathons which I can just about cope with but now I'm feeling really like I'm bottom of his priorities. I know that we could do dinner and a movie another night but tomorrow is Valentine's Day after all. AIBU to be miffed he would rather spend valentines night with his friends running than with his wife.

OP posts:

Wearywithteens · 13/02/2019 20:38

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Bibijayne · 13/02/2019 20:38

I think you're more annoyed about the having to schedule all family holidays to accommodate hi hobby. This is just reminding you of that.

Running is great and healthy, but it sounds alike you feel you (and your family) are compromising a lot for your DH's hobby.

Why not talk to him about it?

WhiteDust · 13/02/2019 20:38

Really wouldn't get wound up about Valentine's Day! You don't usually do anything special so why is it any different this year?
It's a made up date. Cook your nice dinner for yourself and wave him off on his run. You can watch whatever film you like. Sounds perfect!

PinkHeart5914 · 13/02/2019 20:39

His training for a marathon, I’ve done a marathon and you need all the training you can get!

You don’t do anything special really so I wouldn’t expect him not to go to his hobby

WhiteDust · 13/02/2019 20:40

Asda sell tacky red underwear in the foyer - it’s an absolute shit show.

Hahah!! It really is isn't it?!

TrickyKid · 13/02/2019 20:41

It's just a normal day. We won't be changing plans to do anything, I won't be with my husband. No big deal.

MyNameIsArthur · 13/02/2019 20:43

I think OP meant that they don't normally do anything big on Valentine's day but she would actually like to! She wants some romance back in her life and to be put first for a change instead of marathons and running and kids etc. She is feeling neglected and invisible and wants to be made to feel special again.

RainbowWaffles · 13/02/2019 20:45

I didn’t even realize it is Valentine’s Day tomorrow until I read this. No reflection of my feelings for DH, just don’t see it as a thing.

It seems you aren’t that fussed either usually, but as a pp has mentioned already, definitely comes across that you are more irritated you feel you aren’t as important as his hobby. Maybe have a chat with him about it and see what he says.

Bluerussian · 13/02/2019 20:50

I don't know really but would be proud of my husband doing marathons so probably wouldn't worry about Valentine's until day after. Is it really a big deal?

eggsandwich · 13/02/2019 20:52

The way I see it he likes running and doing marathons as a hobby and you plan holidays around what he likes to do and this impacts the whole family in doing this.

You would like for one day/night which happens to be valentines day to spend the evening together with a nice meal and a movie.

Why can’t he go running another nights, he’s being selfish with the its all about me attitude, time to tell him how you feel and that as you compromise regularly with family holidays he needs to to the same.

Meandmetoo · 13/02/2019 20:52

If you dont normally make a big deal out of it then I don't see the issue.

Mind you im out with my work colleagues tomorrow night, dp and the kids are on microwave meals as are their dp's and kids I imagine 😂

donquixotedelamancha · 13/02/2019 20:53

Does he do something special on Sweetest day, Grandparents' day or Administrative Professionals day? What do you do for steak and blowjob day?

There are lots of 'special' days made up by the card and gift industry. Valentine's day is the most successful, but no more valid than the others (all the above are real).

If you want to do more romantic stuff with him then book a date and take him out. You'll have a nicer meal and better service on any other weekend.

MsSquiz · 13/02/2019 20:54

It wouldn't bother me.

DH usually cooks us a meal on Valentine's Day as I do all of the cooking usually, but he plays football every Thursday evening, so I'm cooking tomorrow (so it's ready when he gets home, as normal) rather than wait for him to get in at 8.30pm and then start cooking. He will cook dinner on Friday instead.

He did (quite sweetly) swap his working day from tomorrow to Friday so we could do something tomorrow during the day instead, but I had already made plans presuming he would be at work.

Sometimes life happens... it's no big deal

londonrach · 13/02/2019 20:54

Yabu. Only those newly together or have problems bother. Its just a day

HappyLife21 · 13/02/2019 20:54

Oh god, people are so keen to be all competitive about what uncomercialised free thinkers they are they are forgetting that the OP is feeling marginalised in her own marriage. Which is shit.

Feel for you OP, you don’t want him to care about Valentine’s Day, you want him to care about you. And he appears not to.

SapphireSeptember · 13/02/2019 20:55

I think a lot of you are missing OP's meaning... They don't do anything BIG. The word at the end there is key. They still do something, so of course OP is feeling a bit disappointed.

bellie710 · 13/02/2019 20:57

Valentines day is over rated, does anyone really care about it??

pinkhorse · 13/02/2019 20:59

My dp is going to running club tomorrow night too. He did offer to not go but I said it was fine. I'll be at the gym at lunchtime. We'll do something at the weekend instead.

lastqueenofscotland · 13/02/2019 21:01

But you said yourself you don’t usually do anything

mirialis · 13/02/2019 21:03

YANBU.

He should have checked with you that you were ok with him going running given that you usually recognise the day.

DH and I have never done something for Valentine's Day so to us it would make absolutely no difference but you are not BU at all to have started to feel bottom of his priorities (presumably you feel that running and - of course - the kids come above you... work too?)

You do need to talk to him about this in general. It's obviously not about Feb 14th but the whole thing. Running, cycying, triathlon etc. and the training for the events is very addictive and can become obsessive. Don't be suprised if he gets initally shitty about it but if he doesn't come round to understanding your point of view within a relatively short space of time and apologise, then there's a problem that needs to be dealt with....

WhiteDust · 13/02/2019 21:04

Oh god, people are so keen to be all competitive about what uncomercialised free thinkers they are they are forgetting that the OP is feeling marginalised in her own marriage. Which is shit.
Does OP feel marginalised every time her DH goes out for a run? If so, Valentine's Day has just highlighted her resentment.

Lunde · 13/02/2019 21:05

I think most are missing the point - Op wants to feel valued in the relationship and she wants her dh to prioritize spending time with her even if all they can manage/afford a homecooked meal and a movie.

However her dh's hobby is dominating their life. If he is running for 2 hours after work then op is picking up more that her share of the wifework and childcare. Then all of their holidays must be planned around his hobby as well - imagine the fun of spending your summer holidays waiting at the finish with the kids totally bored while he does his hobby.

When does OP ever get any time or get to choose a holiday that she would like. She wanted a couple of hours of his time on valentines day - but has been ditched yet again for his hobby.

adaline · 13/02/2019 21:05

If you wanted to do something with him, why didn't you ask him in advance?

DH and I are both working tomorrow and I don't get home until late so we're going out for the day in a couple of weeks instead. We've got each other gifts but otherwise we won't do anything special.

Can you guys not celebrate another day?

nugget900 · 13/02/2019 21:07

You could spend Valentine's Day with your kids?...

Sturmundcalm · 13/02/2019 21:10

sorry OP - agree with a PP that some folk are getting carried away with their own views about valentines. which i share, we don't do anything, but you do normally do something. it might not be big but it is a part of your routine and clearly him deciding that he didn't even need to tell you that he'd changed that routine is reminding you of all of the other times he has prioritised his hobby over you/your family.

he's been rude, and i think you should point it out to him - that it's common courtesy to let people know if arrangements are going to be changed...

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