to ask what you would do if you 8 year old said this

[attheendofmyrope]

NC for this

I would really like some perspective please - my 8 year old has always been strong willed and will push boundaries. She is loving and generous but can really act up. She has boundaries and consequences.

The past few weeks though she has been pushing all my buttons. I have recently gone back to work after a 3month break so it has been a bit of a change for us all.

Today when I picked her up from after school club she told me she would rather her Dad picked her up and that she hates me. I put it down to tiredness and told her am sad she felt like that like but i loved her - i asked her how her day was etc - she snarled fine.

Since that it was an escalated rudeness and yelling at me and chasing me when i walked away. I have been called the worst Mum, that she will complain about me etc etc for me asking her to speak politely or go to her room and calm down. She basically didn't stop until I lost it and I hate shouting.

I feel utter crap now and am shut in the bathroom crying. I get that it is an over reaction on my part but am exhausted and am feeling like an utterly shit Mum at this moment.

I thought by this age - we would past this now it feels like in some ways I have regressed to having a 2 year old at home.

FYI DH was delayed at work which is why I picked her up instead of him and her escalating rudeness was triggered by me telling her no she cant talk to her Dad on the phone as he is on the tube and wont have network.

My dd behaved very negatively towards me when I got a job.
6/7 ish.
She will have a good concept of money /cost etc. Explain why you work and the benefits to everyone if you have more cash.

I wouldn't tolerate it at all. I wouldn't shout either though. It would calmy be two warnings, followed by the removal of possessions or screen-time or whatever the child is interested in until they stopped, then a serious discussion once they'd calmed down. My DC wouldn't dare to raise their voice to me, ever, or have tantrums or argue back. I've never once had to raise my voice at them either.

Same when children in my class are having behavioural issues. It's all very calm and I have zero tolerance for aggression or unkind words. Warnings are given and if the behaviour continues, I kick I'm the behaviour management policy (removal to another class, visit to the Head, letter home etc).

Do you have any idea of what's causing these issues? Is she enjoying school? Does she get enough sleep? Downtime? Could it be hormones?

Perhaps she finds transitions and changes difficult to handle. She was expecting dad to collect her but you came - it’s not that she doesn’t like you, but you weren’t expected.

My DC finds change hard and has to have plenty of warning and time to adjust.

She loves you - try and be patient and not take her attitude to heart. The more calm you are and able to (if you can) ignore rudeness, the sooner she may settle down.

She doesn't hate you. She can't explain her feelings that's all.
She's pushing you for a reaction so it's best to keep calm but let her know you won't tolerate rudeness.
Have a chat with her to find out what's worrying her when she's calm.

Instead allowing her to escalate her behaviour, put an immediate end to it. Send her to her room and tell her very clearly you will NOT tolerate her attitude or disrespect. Not now and not ever. Explain that it is perfectly fine to be angry or frustrated, but being rude is not the way to deal with her emotions. Any time she kicks off, she will be sent to her room until she regains her self-control.

You are the parent and you need to take control of this. Allowing her to spiral and spout abuse is ridiculous.

@StopMakingAFoolOutofMe she gets very anxious and i know the tests coming up worry her.

I wish i could say she doesnt raise her voice at me but she does and while she is repentant later - in the moment she doesnt care.

There is nothing she cares enough about that taking it away would make a difference at the moment. She has gotten much better at managing her emotions but we seem to hve regressed

@Aprilshowersarecomingsoon she does have a good concept of money and in her kinder moments says she is proud of me - I have only taken that break of 3 months last year but she was used to me working full time pretty much all her life.

Thanks for the advise everyone - i know i shoudn't take it personally but it does hurt when she screams that she hates me and i am the worst Mum when I love her so much.

She’s more than likely just tired and reacting to you going back to work op.
Was she in after school club before you went back to work or is this since you started work again as the days will be so much longer for her and she’ll be tired and playing up.
Especially in winter because it’s so dark and seems so late on the way home.
If the school club is new to her she’ll still be adjusting she’s had to get used to you working, then not working then working again, possibly school club and then I guess you’ve just thrown her a curve ball when you picked her up today because she’s just getting used to everything and then tonight it’s all changed again.
My dd was definitely a bit of a handful when she started with after school club and I again put it down to change in routine and tiredness.

That said though I would have a word with her, I’d tell her how sad it made you feel and then ask her how she would feel if she came home with her dad and you started shouting at her for no reason, telling her you didn’t want her there and being rude to her. Usually when I ask my dd how it would make her feel it usually sinks in a bit more and she can see she’s not been nice it’s also good for learning empathy too.
It’s also probably a bit late in the day now but I would have said no screen time tonight for being rude.

I think the best thing you can do tonight is maybe go and have a lie down with her in bed and try and have a calm chat, asking her how she would feel if it happened to her and reassuring her that you love her and have gone back to work so you can give her things she likes and a happy life.

I think for now that’s all you can do and then if it happens again tackle it a bit differently because it is rude and I’m sure you wouldn’t let her speak to relatives like that so it’s not acceptable for her to speak to you like that either.

You’ll also be tired if you’ve had a few month out and will still be getting back into the swing of things so I’d just chalk it up to a really crappy day and forget it.

I thought by this age - we would past this now it feels like in some ways I have regressed to having a 2 year old at home.

I felt like this a couple of months ago with my 8yo. He was so moody and volatile and we all felt as though we were walking on eggshells. He's back to his usual loving self now (currently cuddling up to me on the sofa). I wracked my brains to figure out what had changed and I couldn't work it out. I'm putting it down to hormones

@colourrunruinedmyhair i did think no screen time but figured it would help her calm her down a bit so left her to it. I did tell her I wouldn't help her with her homework if she was screeching at me and she needed to be polite and to come and talk to me when she is calm.

She is back to after school club after almost 4 months and while she seems to be enjoying it (its in her school and the same people as she sees during holiday camps etc as welll) its is a long day.

i am knackered as it has been an absolutely crap day at work - I have joined at a senior level and am re-organizing the department and having to have some difficult conversations.

DH will be home soon and I am going to let the poor man tackle it and keep out of it.

I also need to find a way to not shout. I hate it when i do that as I need to model managing emotions and honestly I am doing a crap job of it.

@Wearywithteens that comment was meant to be lighthearted but I guess it didnt come off well.

i am not needy or begging for love but just a bit knackered and sad today but hey ho.

Some of the people commenting have not been in that situation, not because they are superior parents, but because they have different children.

It really annoys me when in posts like this people comment that their children “wouldn’t dare” or they just “wouldn’t tolerate it”.

It’s just not that simple with every child. The human brain is a lot more complex than that.

You need to stop taking it so personally. If my DD(8) is rude and says she hates me i just say ‘that’s a shame because I love you’ and ignore it. If she keeps on tell her it’s rude and I’ll give her a warning that she’ll have to go upstairs with no electronics when she gets in and then follow through. I don’t shout and scream and I never ever get emotional about it. She doesn’t mean it she’s usually just tired and needs a bit of space to sort her feelings out.

@imustbemad00 totally agree but after 8 years of parented a spirited child i have stopped reacting to those comments.

I never raised my voice with my parents - my brother did all the time. We were raised exactly the same way. Each person is different,

Ps sometimes she go off in a screaming fit saying it’s not fair but I just leave her upstairs until she’s calmed down. It’s horrible but sometimes she just gets herself so worked up she needs to be left alone to be given room to think.

You’re not going to get much support here unfortunately.

It’s really tough, of course it gets you down, you’re human. Sometimes it’s goodnfor children to see the consequences on other people’s emotions, then it gives you an opportunity to model how you deal with those emotions.

There’s no magic solution, but talking about feelings (when she’ll calm), modelling how to deal with them and being consistent is all you can really do and hopefully it will pay off over time.

• I've never once had to raise my voice at them either

Jeez well bully for you. Take a bow.

Op, she's tired and emotional, and it's just the change, don't worry, we all lose our tempers at times. Wait till she's in bed, maybe take her a hot chocolate or some warm milk and ask her if she wants to talk about her feelings. Explain how it's not ok to act like that, but reiterate you love her, and if she can understand why her behaviour wasn't acceptable.

If she was expecting her dad to pick her up then she may just be flipping out about that. One of mine used to find it totally threw them if the person they expected didn't pick them up.

So she was expecting her dad but you went instead?

It doesn't make it OK, but disappointment can trigger some horrible behaviour in adults let alone a tired 8yo.

I think you did the right thing. Brush it off with "oh dear. I love you" and then ignore.

My DS had a terrible temper at 8yo (now almost too laid back and unflappable at 18yo). I used to say go to your room and well talk when you're ready.

It meant I didn't try to explain or justify myself while he wasn't ready to hear it and stopped things escalating and me ending up upset too. It also avoided him being told off and punished by being "sent" to his room because of emotions he wasn't equipped to control.

Some harsh comments here OP from oh so perfects parents who have never raised their voice at their children- hmmm not sure I believe that for a minute!
I’m totally with you though, I’ve been trying alternative approaches to shouting but sometimes in our house things seem to need to escalate and reach a point before they settle down.
My 8 year old DD has been more moody and hormones are definitely involved as she has some early signs of puberty.,I’ve just ordered “My Hidden Chimp” book from
Amazon to work through with her.
You are absolutely not a bad Mum, you’re just having a challenging spell with your daughter. Be kind to yourself

Sitting in a bathroom crying over something an 8 year child has said....

Jesus, we're all human, and sometimes being a parent can be very hard. Even if you can rationalise why a child is saying it, and that they do not mean it, there are moments when it can all be overwhelming. Don't beat yourself up, op

@gamerwidow I agree! Normally that is how it plays out - after 5 mins she comes down for a cuddle and apologizes. (most times it doesnt get to that stage and stops after I tell her I love you anyway etc)

I have been feeling quite emotional so maybe I just need to take a deep breath and find my calm.

attheendofmyrope we all have shit days. I’ve had days I’m not my best with DD either don’t dwell on it