to ask what you would do if you 8 year old said this

[attheendofmyrope]

NC for this

I would really like some perspective please - my 8 year old has always been strong willed and will push boundaries. She is loving and generous but can really act up. She has boundaries and consequences.

The past few weeks though she has been pushing all my buttons. I have recently gone back to work after a 3month break so it has been a bit of a change for us all.

Today when I picked her up from after school club she told me she would rather her Dad picked her up and that she hates me. I put it down to tiredness and told her am sad she felt like that like but i loved her - i asked her how her day was etc - she snarled fine.

Since that it was an escalated rudeness and yelling at me and chasing me when i walked away. I have been called the worst Mum, that she will complain about me etc etc for me asking her to speak politely or go to her room and calm down. She basically didn't stop until I lost it and I hate shouting.

I feel utter crap now and am shut in the bathroom crying. I get that it is an over reaction on my part but am exhausted and am feeling like an utterly shit Mum at this moment.

I thought by this age - we would past this now it feels like in some ways I have regressed to having a 2 year old at home.

@StopMakingAFoolOutofMe oh i will look into that.

Oh the tests are the weekly ones she has in school which arent too important but she has always been very anxious and builds it up in her head.

If it makes you feel better, teachers don't find half as easy with their own children either. I have two colleagues who are currently at breaking point with the behaviour of their own children but are behaviour experts at work.

Definitely look into it, they can be so useful. I had a couple once who were desperate for help but too embarrassed to access the support as they thought it made them bad parents but that's what it's there for. Parenting is hard and sometimes little tips work wonders.

Weekly tests at 8 is ridiculous and just awful for those children who are more anxious.

I have more than once admired the way the teachers at my DDs school deal with the children and wish they gave parents lessons in that as well.

Yeah? I have friends who teach and I can assure you they shout at their kids sometimes. Christ, lots of teachers shout at their class plenty too!
I have cried on occasion after particularly shitty treatment from dc-its totally normal to feel weary and emotional when you get shit from people you love.
I don't have your patience I'm afraid, so probably not the person to give advice, but when my work hours increased (am a lp) and ds (who REALLY hates change) acted out, I sat him down and asked him if he liked days out and holidays? ("yes!"). Well, there aren't any if I don't work,and thats life.
Sometimes you have just got to give it to them straight and not feel guilty ( they totally pick up on your guilt) and draw the line.
Yes, children struggle to express feelings, and yes you can understand and empathise, but at the end of the day all they really want is to feel safe. If you demonstrate decisiveness and confidence in your actions they accept it. Clear boundaries help them feel safe.

Don’t have any advice for you but it’s ok to cry when you feel miserable. Be kind to yourself. Lots of haters on here 😘

Ignore the twattish responses about how their children wouldn’t dare, draconian punishments or how they’ve never raised their voice. Ugh aren’t they oooh so perfect.

My dd is also a spirited child. She doesn’t hold back on telling me how she feels. I’ve learnt not to take things to heart too much when she says horrible things. I also don’t punish her. She’s learning to regulate her emotions. Of course I tell her it’s unkind or what she said was hurtful. Sometimes I have cried. Punishments when she cannot control this yet will only create shame.

Dd is 10 and she’s now learnt to apologise. So she does say sorry when she has gone too far. Not enforced sorrys as I have never forced her apologise - faux apologies mean nothing. Dd has always displayed contrition, just an inability to actually voice a sorry. This

Being true to themselves is how children learn best. Your dd just had a wobbly moment. She rejected you because she’s cross you’re no longer available and wants to hurt you because she’s hurting. Now it’s your turn to say sorry to her for going ott.

The how to talk book is great, but if you have a spirited child, you sometimes need different techniques

www.amazon.co.uk/Raising-Your-Spirited-Child-Third/dp/0062403060/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=spirited+child&tag=mumsnetforum-21&ie=UTF8&qid=1550092034&sr=8-1

is very good for more 'intense' children

Its useful to try and work out if you have an intense child or one who is just good at pushing your buttons. An intense child is wired that way and needs help to learn how to regulate their emotions/reactions - which may be a lifelong journey. A button pusher needs more structure, boundaries and clear consistent consequences.

If you have the funds and think it warranted, a private assessment by a pediatric neuropsychologist can given you tonnes of v useful information. My DS has always been as stubborn as a mule and his assessment showed that he has executive functioning deficits in shifting. It has completely changed how we parent and he is getting much better at 'shifting' since we are now helping him rather than fighting him. If you do this make sure you get the full assessment and not just the educational one.

You have started work, so now your daughter has to go to after school club. So you collected an overtired, angry child who kicks off and tests your boundaries until you lose your temper. Which given the day you had had, wasn't long.
Don't beat yourself up about this.

Wow, some shitty comments aimed at me. Cheers. I'm more than aware all children are different thanks, seeing as I'm a teacher. Why would I lie about never raising my voice? What would that achieve? Emotional children need calm, measured discipline, not yelling and raised voices

Parents who don't know how to deal with children without shouting would rather rubbish you than learn how to deal with situations without shouting?

I was once at the end of my tether generally and with DSS and said very calmly that sometimes I hated me too and wished I wasn’t there either. He took it totally the wrong way and thought I meant wasn’t alive anymore (which only emerged later in the day). It was totally unintentional but actually a turning point for him because he stopped lashing out verbally out of fear he’d hit a weak spot and do some real damage. Up to that point he was being an utter bullying shit to all and sundry.

Oh I'm sorry, it hurts so much when they are so cruel. My DC is only five so there's an age gap which may change our experiences but I also respond with "That's okay, I still love you," whenever they say "I hate you". I also let them see me cry if they've pushed me to the brink. It's important to me that they learn words can hurt, even grown ups.

www.ahaparenting.com/parenting-tools/positive-discipline/handling-anger
Is s great article re our own anger. I also really rate the website which has a game plan for different ages (Inc. discipline). Lots of articles on a range of topics eg when your child is spirited. There is also a book although the ones suggested above are also good.

Lime - that's the nature of Mumsnet. Bunch of vipers

It does sound like she's struggling with the changes, she also might find the additional hours at school exhausting.

You’re not a shit mum. Shit mums don’t cry in the bathroom wondering if they’re shit mums.

Would love bombing her be the way to go?

Hugs op. My son is nearly 8 so probably in the same school year as your daughter. I see a lot of those kids coming out and being nasty to their parents, and grandparents.
My 2 kids are nasty for the first hour after school. I also remember I was as a child aswell

My Stepdaughter was horrible at 7/8. Terrible attitude (never shouty but would answer my wife back, give one word answers, basically stereotypical 'teenage' behaviour).

At 8 1/2 (ish) she seemed to almost snap out of it overnight. I assume it's a hormone thing and maybe part of them discovering their individuality and not knowing quite how to deal with it.

My wife (who does most of the day to day parenting, mostly because I'm rarely there during my stepdaughter's waking hours in the week) would, as many posters suggest, respond to any 'hate' with 'love'. She would be very firm though when it came to backchat and attitude and repeated behaviour would result in warnings/sending to room/confiscation of [whatever was the 'big thing' that month'].

Like I say OP, it seems to be a phase (other dads I've spoken to say the same) so hopefully it will pass. I do recommend picking her up on the attitude though as you don't want to set a precedent of what's acceptable.

What Wheary said

thanks everyone - it does help to know I am not alone. We cuddled for a bit in the bed this morning and had a chat. She apologized for all the mean things she said and said she knew it was hurtful but she couldn't seem to control it. I said I was sorry for shouting and it would be easier on both of us if we went to our rooms to calm down so we dont say things that hurt others. She has promised to "try to listen even when is mad" :D

Half term cant come soon enough - she will be in camp for 2 days that week but between DH and me we are going to work from home for 3 days so she gets time to just chill.

Love bombing actually worked on her when she was much younger - I may try it again during half term.

OP, I was told when mine were young that they lash out at those they love the most as they know deep down that it's 'safe' as we can't leave them! I guess she is also testing the boundaries - how much can she throw at you before you break. My 3 did it to me but rarely their dad - and I spent many hours quietly sobbing that they hated me.

My 8 year old DD is always telling me she hates me and I'm the worst mummy when I say No and don't let her do what she wants. I just thank her for letting me know. She gets over it and apologises and at other times tells me how I'm the best mummy in the world, so I don't let it get to me. I've told her that I'm not there to be her friend, I'm her mummy.