to ask what you would do if you 8 year old said this

[attheendofmyrope]

NC for this

I would really like some perspective please - my 8 year old has always been strong willed and will push boundaries. She is loving and generous but can really act up. She has boundaries and consequences.

The past few weeks though she has been pushing all my buttons. I have recently gone back to work after a 3month break so it has been a bit of a change for us all.

Today when I picked her up from after school club she told me she would rather her Dad picked her up and that she hates me. I put it down to tiredness and told her am sad she felt like that like but i loved her - i asked her how her day was etc - she snarled fine.

Since that it was an escalated rudeness and yelling at me and chasing me when i walked away. I have been called the worst Mum, that she will complain about me etc etc for me asking her to speak politely or go to her room and calm down. She basically didn't stop until I lost it and I hate shouting.

I feel utter crap now and am shut in the bathroom crying. I get that it is an over reaction on my part but am exhausted and am feeling like an utterly shit Mum at this moment.

I thought by this age - we would past this now it feels like in some ways I have regressed to having a 2 year old at home.

Oh god, my dd is 8 tomorrow and she's been similar lately. In the last few weeks she has started to smell of sweat and has been using anti p after her nightly shower and in the morning. Doctor said it's becoming quite common to see children at 8 starting puberty and said hormones and emotions will be erratic.
Not suggesting this is the case with your dd op but something to consider.
Also, my dd has always seemed to be a daddy's girl and I don't get a look in much. My ds is 15 and very lovable. Girls are hard work I think :)
Half term is late here this year and schools break up on Friday. The dc are exhausted. I'm sure she will be her lovely normal self soon enough

I'd do both a swift punishment (removal of screen time or whatever you think might work) and also swift forgiveness. Pretty unacceptable behaviour, but we've all been the end of our tethers before - right? Put the boundaries in place but I also think this would be a really useful instance to teach her about emotional intelligence - sometimes hurt/worry/ upset comes out as anger. Forgive her.

Thanks for the support and kind words everyone

DH is home with chocolates for both of us and i am just taking a step back for now. I will go in for bedtime cuddle and chat.

tbh I think this is much more about how overwhelmed you're feeling rather than your DD. She's being an 8-yr-old who has had a long day, a change in her entire routine (you returning to work) and an unexpected change in her daily routine (you collecting her instead of dad).
It escalated because you are tired, stressed and emotional. I'm not saying this to be hard on you. We can all do it. But don't catastrophise what happened.
You might find it helpful to read 'Get out of my life but first take me and Alex into town'. There's a few chapters on DCs using negative emotions to build/maintain a connection and to avoid activities/actions they don't like.

I wish I had a pound for every time my daughter told me she hated me
It was worse in her teens. Similar to a previous poster, I used to say that's a pity, because I love you all the time, even when you are being horrible.

I would say “oh, well, whatever happens I will always love YOU” and change the subject.

She is testing you in reaction to you going back to work.

Maybe later ask calmly if her life is different now you are working and just chat about the changes. Tell her a Mum is always a Mum but being a Mum also means earning the money for food and clothing and for the radiators to be on.

I’ve found the book, ‘how to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk’ such a help to me. I’d really recommend it, staying calm is key though, easier said than done I know. Counting to 10 or walk away if you can until you’re feeling calmer. I ask myself what is causing the behaviour, kind of looking what’s going on underneath, what her feelings/needs are, rather than just concentrating on the behaviour.

Wait till she is 14! Don't let it get to you. Change is hard for everyone.

Wow, some shitty comments aimed at me. Cheers. I'm more than aware all children are different thanks, seeing as I'm a teacher. Why would I lie about never raising my voice? What would that achieve? Emotional children need calm, measured discipline, not yelling and raised voices.

Anyway, back to the OP. Definitely try not to shout, although I appreciate its difficult sometimes when emotions are running high and ignore the person who berated you for crying in the bathroom. When children say horrible things, it bloody hurts. Try walking away instead. I think I'd send her to her room as soon as she spoke to me in that way, and tell her to come back when she decides to calm down.

There's also nothing wrong with a child saying they're proud of their parent. If I achieve something, my DC tell me they're proud of me and vice versa. How strange that someone thinks it's a bad thing.

'Love bombing' works well with this sort of behaviour OP.

When my DC was 7/8 I really thought she hated me for a while. The shouting, the tantrums we're almost unbearable. Then it just evaporated. Me and my DP look back now and call it the 'shouty times.' I laugh now, but it felt awful at the time. I truly felt out of my depth. I shouted a couple of times and felt awful and realised I'd have to do something different to stay sane.

I coped by practising staying very calm, and always letting her come back for a hug if she changed her mind or felt odd about the fact that she'd been shouting.

Looking back, I think she was testing out how strong I was and whether I could cope with her emotions. I think anyway! There we're changes happening in our lives - I think she was reacting to change.

Ignore the twatty posts, they’re not worth your energy 🌷

As an outsider, I’m wondering if there’s an undiagnosed SEN going on here? For an NT child that’s a total over reaction to being picked up by their other parent. I’d look to see if that was a possibility before coming down on her like a ton of bricks. Which would be my next step.

I have no tolerance for shit like that. I’m not ‘perfect’ though, just intolerant! 🤣

Have a 🍷. I have a nice Sauvignon blanc...it’s helping my shitty day seem a little less shitty.

(Oh and before someone suggests I have a drinking problem, I can’t remember the last drink I had.)

@StopMakingAFoolOutOfMe I have more than once admired the way the teachers at my DDs school deal with the children and wish they gave parents lessons in that as well.

At 8 one of mine was having full blown tantrums, including trashing her room. And shouting very bad things indeed, including how much she hated me/life.

So glad I didn't post on here and get tips on how to institute draconian punishments!

She's turned into an absolutely lovely sensible teenager.

Some children learn to regulate their emotions faster than others. I knew this was an issue so we worked on having basic rules -the main one being that it's fine to be in a bad mood, but not fine to take it out on others, so if you are going to shout/stomp, go to your own bedroom and do it there, without damaging anything.

Screen-time was limited if this was broken.

I also spent a lot more time trying to talk with her, and help her understand about emotions, label them, and not deny or minimise them or why they occurred- the book 'How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk' is fab for this.

www.amazon.co.uk/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/1848123094?tag=mumsnetforum-21

In our house, my children are allowed to show a bit of anger/frustration, and whilst I wouldn't like daily bad/aggressive or unpleasant attitude, I also don't think leaping on every tiny issue or sigh or rolled eyes or even mega-tantrum as long as rare is productive. They are still learning all about this.

Perhaps she is very cross and angry you aren't around as much any more and it's coming out badly- your job isn't to deny her her feelings, but to allow her to express them. I'd go for a cuddle and a chat over a punishment first time around and try to get more of a conversation going.

Luckyleprechaun80 great minds think alike, that's a really good book!

@incrediblysadToo I actually think the Dad not picking her up was just an excuse she picked - we havent had that issue with her before. I think she is tired, knackered, dealing with change with me back to work and saying I want Daddy was just her way of showing me she is angry at me maybe?

I want to be sympathetic but also want her to understand the level of rudeness she displayed today was unacceptable and harsh words hurt people.

Some people on here... I have three children I raised them the same but all three of them are completely different because guess what folks? They all have different personalities.
There is nothing wrong with crying when your child has something nasty there is nothing at all wrong with a child knowing that their words have a big impact in people.

Op my ds9 is getting really grumpy and moody lately. He normally has a Really sunny disposition.. I think it's hormones to be honest.
Just tell her how upset you are to hear she is not getting on well with you but her behavior isn't acceptable. Add in a consequence and then some together time a the weekend and she will probably come around x

I actually have the book how to talk so kids listen on my kindle - i will start reading it tonight.

Just to add to the '8 is tricky' voices - and also to say this term is a killer. Nearly half term and they need it.

oh and hormones may be involved as she has been showing some signs of early puberty and we meet the GP about it a few months ago.

I've always said 8/9 are the hardest years. ignore the sanctimonious twat comments.

I would have a chat about how you deal with this. you both need to be on the same page. if you're playing good cop/bad cop or tag teaming and he takes over soon as he's in the door... she will exploit any weaknesses. take it one day at a time, pick your battles and don't take it personally x

to the PP who said some children take longer to regulate their emotions - yes DD absolutely has trouble with it and we are actively working on it and she has gotten much better.

I agree with others that it sounds like she was disappointed and tired.

I wouldn’t accept this rudeness and tell her it’s not acceptable to speak to you like that.

How do you and dh talk to each other?

OP you are not alone! My eldest is 8 and he can be so moody! A few months ago he has a huge tantrum that went on for ages and I had no idea what to do with him as he has never done anything like that before or since. Day to day he is a lovely happy kind boy just at times to mood swings hit.

I think 8 is a hard age really, they are in a funny stage where they are pushing boundaries and there are hormones at play too.

I do the ‘that’s a shame because I love you’ thing and try to make sure we have one on one time which can be tricky as he has two younger siblings.

I have more than once admired the way the teachers at my DDs school deal with the children and wish they gave parents lessons in that as well

Sometimes they do, or they can recommend a parenting support person who could give you techniques to help? Some of my parents have used the service and they've been really great. 8/9 is a funny age. They're expected to be almost too grown up I think, when they just aren't ready to be yet.

I meant to reply to what you said about the tests earlier too. Are you in Wales? I didn't think England did tests every year, only Year 2 and 6?

They're bloody ridiculous. They put so much unnecessary pressure on little children and even though we try and make them into a "fun quiz" when they really aren't, children aren't stupid and they know theyre under pressure. It's so wrong. All you can do is reassure her that they really don't matter, and that they're just to help the teacher.