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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my DH is like a child

64 replies

Usernamed · 13/02/2019 10:02

Feeling slightly guilty after ranting to my DH last night that he's like a child. I will explain the situation, which is basically my world on a regular basis. Sorry it's long...

DH never organises anything or seems to take responsibility for life stuff, despite having a good job (so obviously does these things at work) and being a general great man/Dad otherwise.

So our fixed mortgage is up for renewal and I spent ages finding a good deal to swap to - ringing banks etc. I fill in all the forms. All DH has to do is get together a bank statement with his name on, wage slips and a letter confirming salary and post it online.

So firstly it takes him a few days of trying to log on to our joint account (to get statement in his name) to realise that he can't log on. This is because he hasn't logged on to it since he set up on-line banking.

I'm annoyed at this because we had a conversation months ago where he agreed to log on to our joint account every now and then to at least have visibility of it, as I do all the banking and he never ever even looks at the account or knows what's in there.

He has to contact bank for new password. When letter arrives he says it does not contain the correct information. The letter does, and he realises this days later (after I get him to look/try again), and he manages to log-on and get his statement doc.

He had a letter from work containing his salary (just co-incidentally since we applied for the mortgage application). He put it in the bureau but now can't find it. He spends ages looking in folders for the letter and I tell him to look again in the bureau. He looks and can't find it. I end up looking for it and find it in the bureau.

He needs to scan the letter and send it to his computer. He looks at our printer and asks me how to use it. I tell him, no-one showed me how to use the printer - it's easy. This seems to stress him out. I explain how to attach it to his laptop (in the friggin USB port!). He then says "How do you scan?". (By pressing the friggin SCAN button!)

Then he can't find the email that was sent to him with the online link to the page where he has to attach files. I end up having to find it in my emails.

Seriously feeling like he can't do stuff by himself. Why do I always have to get involved? And this is after leaving him to flounder for a bit in the hope he will sort it out for himself. In contrast, I rarely need him to do this kind of stuff for me and do all the organising, DIY, finances, everything... This situation happens A LOT and I find it so irritating!

OP posts:
EyeOfTheTigger · 13/02/2019 10:06

OP, are we somehow married to the same man? Mine is similarly useless!

JellyBaby666 · 13/02/2019 10:08

I would ask him how he functions at work, does someone turn his computer on for him? What an idiot, I'm sorry.

punishmepunisher · 13/02/2019 10:10

My DP is fine with banking and stuff, but doesn't realise that bins don't transport themselves outside or that in order for something to be washed it needs to be put in the laundry basket, not screwed up and chucked back in the wardrobe.

NineNine · 13/02/2019 10:12

I once spoke to a woman who claimed her horribly misogynistic boss couldn’t possibly be a sexist because he said that his wife was ‘the boss’. I pointed out that this simply meant he had absolved himself of all family responsibility and left her to deal with anything to do with family and home life.

Your DH has stepped back and let you deal with everything because he can’t/couldn’t be bothered, and has conveniently infantilism day himself to the point that he doesn’t have a clue how any of it works.

Yes, he is a child.

Bluelady · 13/02/2019 10:13

Has he got a PA at work?

NineNine · 13/02/2019 10:13

infantilism day = infantilised

Confused
SeaOtterFluff · 13/02/2019 10:19

Mine is like this. We married relatively young and have been together 20 years so it's ingrained behaviour. I wish I could go back and have a stern word with my 22 year old self as I'm as much to blame for allowing it. If I leave him or die, he'll end up rotting under a pile of unpaid bills and ironing. If he left me, the only thing I'd struggle with is opening jars of pickle.

thecatsthecats · 13/02/2019 10:24

I was going to defend him a little when it came to being abjectly useless at things he could fairly do (e.g. the printer), because I absolve myself of all responsibility for printing in our house...

Then I realised that my husband and I BOTH do this equally - there are things we flounder like idiots at, and things that we just do for the house. So at least we're cooperative!

Original poster
Usernamed · 13/02/2019 10:30

LOL SeaotterFluff!

No he does not have a PA at work. He seems like a different man at work. The thing is, this topic often crops up and we repeatedly argue about it every few months or so. He promises to take a more active role at home with house stuff / life outside work, and then we end up back in this same place - Groundhog Day!

He had a mother who I think managed his life for him.

I also work, and having to do all of this stuff is very time consuming and makes me feel overloaded. I feel like his brain is empty and mine is full of tasks, dates, reminders, stuff to organise….

OP posts:
NineNine · 13/02/2019 10:32

He had a mother who I think managed his life for him.

I imagine he had a father who sat back and let his mother do all the work too...

NewGrandad · 13/02/2019 10:35

I get this kind of thing as well.

But with my wife, so it works both ways.

Seline · 13/02/2019 10:36

ADHD? I used to struggle with similar things until medicated.

BertrandRussell · 13/02/2019 10:37

“He had a mother who I think managed his life for him. ”

Presumably he also had a father who modelled this crap behaviour to him? And presumably also this was some time ago?

Stop facilitating this behaviour. If he behaved like this at work he would get the sack, so it’s won’t, not can’t.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 13/02/2019 10:37

He had a mother who I think managed his life for him.

Oh God, another one of these.

Seline · 13/02/2019 10:38

Work is different if it's something like adhd while we still struggle there's a clearer structure.

Of course he could just be being lazy but worth considering.

ToniHargis · 13/02/2019 10:42

There is something called Executive Functioning, and for some people it's a real challenge. I wouldn't jump to the immediate conclusion that he's lazy or like a child. Do a search and you'll find some steps you can take to help him manage this (if it's this).
In your situation, not stepping in and helping him isn't really an option, but perhaps start with smaller organizational tasks that don't literally break the bank.

Cosmosgrowinmygarden · 13/02/2019 10:43

@SeaOtterFluff - you can get gadgets to open jars!!

Iggly · 13/02/2019 10:43

Tell him it’s hard to be sexually attracted to a man child.

That should sort him out.

Original poster
Usernamed · 13/02/2019 10:44

NewGrandad - Yes I suspect it does - not necessarily gender specific!

He definitely does not have ADHD - if he were any more laid back or calm, I think he'd be asleep.

I have tried not getting involved or helping, and what happens is.....nothing! Nothing gets done. I've been waiting 3 years for the curtain rails in our DSs bedroom to be adjusted, and he says he's waiting for me to put pencil dots on the walls, despite that I've already told him where to drill and what the issue is. I literally do all DIY (at the moment sanding and painting our staircase). It's as if he can't do anything alone.

OP posts:
Original poster
Usernamed · 13/02/2019 10:46

I will look up Executive Functioning, thank you.

He is a manager at work though - manages several teams.

I have told him it's not sexually attractive - hasn't worked yet!

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 13/02/2019 10:49

I once spoke to a woman who claimed her horribly misogynistic boss couldn’t possibly be a sexist because he said that his wife was ‘the boss’. I pointed out that this simply meant he had absolved himself of all family responsibility and left her to deal with anything to do with family and home life.

This is absolutely true - I'd never thought of it like that.

SummerHouse · 13/02/2019 10:52

I think I am a bit like your DP. Luckily my DP is extremely kind and patient. He finds things for me and sorts unfathomable thinks like TV and internet. But he is not a forward planner. I sort all school stuff, childcare and holidays. There has to be some give and take. Just for the benefit of seeing the positive can you think of anything where your DP is helpful?

Original poster
Usernamed · 13/02/2019 10:52

Oh and he also manages projects at work. Usually ideas he's come up with in the first place. So he really is doing lots or organising in that arena.

OP posts:
HolesinTheSoles · 13/02/2019 10:53

I'm really bad at certain jobs that should be easy for me as I can do other, complicated things. I'd get really stressed out having to change the water in the car or try to change the address my vehicle is registered to, so I put it off. So I have a certain amount of sympathy.

That said sometimes people are just being too lazy to actually just try doing something because they know their partner will come along and do it for them.

Bluelady · 13/02/2019 10:54

Whether or not he's officially got a PA at work, if he manages several teams, I'd put money on him having a work "wife" who does his printing, etc. Seriously, ever seen a man sorting out a jammed printer or photocopier because I haven't.

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