To think my DH is like a child

[Usernamed]

Feeling slightly guilty after ranting to my DH last night that he's like a child. I will explain the situation, which is basically my world on a regular basis. Sorry it's long...

DH never organises anything or seems to take responsibility for life stuff, despite having a good job (so obviously does these things at work) and being a general great man/Dad otherwise.

So our fixed mortgage is up for renewal and I spent ages finding a good deal to swap to - ringing banks etc. I fill in all the forms. All DH has to do is get together a bank statement with his name on, wage slips and a letter confirming salary and post it online.

So firstly it takes him a few days of trying to log on to our joint account (to get statement in his name) to realise that he can't log on. This is because he hasn't logged on to it since he set up on-line banking.

I'm annoyed at this because we had a conversation months ago where he agreed to log on to our joint account every now and then to at least have visibility of it, as I do all the banking and he never ever even looks at the account or knows what's in there.

He has to contact bank for new password. When letter arrives he says it does not contain the correct information. The letter does, and he realises this days later (after I get him to look/try again), and he manages to log-on and get his statement doc.

He had a letter from work containing his salary (just co-incidentally since we applied for the mortgage application). He put it in the bureau but now can't find it. He spends ages looking in folders for the letter and I tell him to look again in the bureau. He looks and can't find it. I end up looking for it and find it in the bureau.

He needs to scan the letter and send it to his computer. He looks at our printer and asks me how to use it. I tell him, no-one showed me how to use the printer - it's easy. This seems to stress him out. I explain how to attach it to his laptop (in the friggin USB port!). He then says "How do you scan?". (By pressing the friggin SCAN button!)

Then he can't find the email that was sent to him with the online link to the page where he has to attach files. I end up having to find it in my emails.

Seriously feeling like he can't do stuff by himself. Why do I always have to get involved? And this is after leaving him to flounder for a bit in the hope he will sort it out for himself. In contrast, I rarely need him to do this kind of stuff for me and do all the organising, DIY, finances, everything... This situation happens A LOT and I find it so irritating!

My DH is the same. Its frustrating and tiresome.

@holesin YES me too. Washing the filter in the Dyson, changing a bulb on the car, reading any instructions... Not my bag!

I had one like this.

I dealt with the situation by separating our finances, renting him a flat, furnishing it and presenting him with his new life including a document with all the necessary banking details etc. spelled out with links and everything. It was quite satisfying.

He was perfectly competent at work yet totally incapable (allegedly) of understanding (let alone performing) any tasks associated with the smooth running of a household. He never listened to me either - anything I had to say just wasn't important to him.

Of course once he had nobody to do it all for him he miraculously found he was capable of buying and running a house all on his own - he even tells me about it now expecting me to be in awe of his skills I think! Bless.

My top criterion for a new partner was to be a grown up - current DP meets that and more.

Mine is like this. He's a successful management accountant yet he can't seem to do a single task at home (admin tasks I'm talking about - mental load stuff. ) He does clean. And buy food. And cook it for the kids. And do his share of childcare. Last week he even remembered to put the bin out)
We both work, but I do less hours than him. He earns four times what I do.

Fortunately it suits us well as I'm quite controlling about it all. I've started opening his post because he just chucks it in a drawer, or worse, straight in the bin.

I literally do everything. All DIY. All car stuff (paperwork and also arranging MOTs, services etc for both of our cars, and taking the cars in. Topping up windscreen wash etc.)
All childcare organisation. I tell him when he needs to take time off in the school holidays etc.
I organise and book all holidays. (I quite like doing this)
I sort out all medical appointments. I pay all bills. I organise all household appointments when there are issues. I find the best deals when insurance time comes around again. I find discounts when he wants to go for meals etc.
I did everything to ensure we could move house (dealt with estate agents, solicitors, mortgage broker, bank etc) I monitor finances.

I also buy a fuckload of dresses. Because I deserve them.

Mine is like this. I wouldn't find his inability to log onto online banking childish though - it's just not his thing. We both do our bit and he does lots of other stuff like gardening and decorating. We have been married nearly 30 years and the teamwork approach works for us. Give me admin and mortgages any day.

I read your OP and thought my husband could have written a similar post about me. I guess it depends on what else your DH does. Is he the same with everything at home?

My H also gets very frustrated that I don’t properly engage with technology until there’s a pressing need. But there are many other things I do that he takes no responsibility for, so swings and roundabouts.

Interesting about the executive functioning. That is something I’ve struggled with a lot in the past few years (noticed it more at work) due to ongoing neurological problems. It hadn’t crossed my mind to blame my dislike of technology on that. I tend to avoid anything complicated or unfamiliar though, unless I can’t avoid it. Maybe the two things are related.

I sounds to me as if he cba tbh.

I'm quite crap with "technology", but even I've managed to figure it out & scan stuff across to folks when needed.

OP, sadly this is not a rare occurrence. DH is very senior at work, manages hundreds of employees and several depots and his teams are responsible for several million a year profit.

He wouldn't know how to log onto internet banking if I wrote an idiots guide and left all the passwords.

It is unbelievable.

And yet he tells me he is advanced level on Excel. I am sorry but DH you really are not. You are hopeless with anything electronic unless it is the remote control and Sky set up, and you are Masters level at this.

Maybe I've been brought up with inherently male habits then, because I completely flake out when it comes to printers

I genuinely take the approach of 'if someone thinks I can fix it they'll want it all the time'.

I can see why men do it, because it's great!

(semi light hearted - as above, my husband and I both take responsibility for things and leave other things entirely to the other, which I quite like - we work far better as individuals to complete an overall objective than we do cooperating on the same task, which drives both of us up the wall with irritation)

Mine is just the same. I have no idea what he would do if I wasn't around, he is completely useless at everything.

I blame his mother!

My DH is just like this - I blame his mother, she's always done everything for him, his brother and their dad. He's never had to look after himself. In the past its caused a lot of arguments because I do everything to manage our home, don't always feel appreciated and because well, man child = gross.

I agree with what some others have said, tell him you find it unattractive - that was enough to give my DH a kick up the bum. Mostly now he takes on roles for himself (bins, washing up, dog stuff, garden stuff, car stuff) and I can see he does try really hard to sort things before asking me to help (before he did it out of laziness)

OP there was a thread awhile ago about incompetent husbands, google it.
I'm divorced from mine now but it nearly cost me my sanity after 20 years of trying to find the right way to explain to him what he needed to do, I realised he just chose not to as he thought I'd always be there to pick up the pieces.

Can empathise with a lot of your threads.

DH is good at taking the kids out and does their bedroom routine. But usually he is taking them out so I can get house stuff done. He also empties bins/recycling. I cook and he washes up. He is supposed to do the gardening, but I also do it. Basically the only stuff he does in garden is mow lawn and trim hedges, after being nagged. He checks tyre pressure and tops up water on cars. That's it.

I literally do everything else. All DIY and building of furniture. Setting-up of any new appliance. All child-related stuff like - clothes, stuff to take to school, parties, presents, clubs, etc. All types of insurance renewals (including his car), buying and cooking of all food. Rest of house not mentioned, booking and organising for holidays, visits, etc. Any money-related stuff - bills, savings, mortgage.

He won't do stuff unless asked, which makes me feel like a task-master or his money. Basically it's like I'm the manager of the house. He waits to be told. The amount of times I've said - well if you can see it needs doing then just do it....,

It makes me feel like I can't have a full-time job if I wanted to. I work part-time at the moment. I know if I worked more, our life would be chaos. So I feel trapped in a situation where I can't increase my income or job prospects. If I worked full-time we would end up divorcing probably, because he would not step up to take on my mental home workload.

I meant, ….or his mother (not money)

He definitely does not have ADHD - if he were any more laid back or calm, I think he'd be asleep.

Inattentive ADHD can be like this. Not all. ADHD is hyperactive!

Why should it be up to the OP to work out what her dh is good at and give him jobs accordingly?

That’s just as bad IMO.

None of us are perfect but we manage to run our families because it’s important.

That’s what I find difficult about my lazy DH. He clearly doesn’t see it as important enough to even fucking try properly.

I would struggle to maintain any sexual interest in a man like this

I would struggle to maintain any type of relationship with this man.

The frustration would get to me. Can't work out whether you're a Saint to put up with it, or a mug for enabling him.

DD had a relationship with a guy like this. Thankfully she dumped him pronto.

What Bertrand said. Bollocks it's ADHD, Executive Functioning or any other handmaiden minimising bullshit excuse for someone who CBA'd because lifework is woman's work so beneath him and for you to do.

I feel your pain. Have been struggling with the same for over a decade now.

My current strategy is:

1. gradually sneaking more into his plate ("oh that sounds great could you organise it?", 'I don't think I'll get a chance to do this, could you take it on?')

2. not having a go, and just making neural I vague comments about things, and keeping it his problem when things haven't happened.

For example, he's been trying to book a holiday since mid-December that involves coordination with lots of his family. Before I would've got stressed that it hasn't happened yet, taken over or directed him in minute detail, and caused an argument. Now I'm mostly trying not to think about it, and just gently saying 'how's the holiday organising going?', and giving neutral responses to the reply maybe every 2-3 weeks.

It's an experiment. On the plus side I'm calmer and happier, on the minus side the holiday might end up being a bit of a shambles or not happening. But that's how he's going to learn right? (God I hope so.)

My ex was like this. When I took the dcs to nursery or whatever the first few times I had to just guess what was needed, ask people, follow the crowd, use common sense. When he had to do it he would need all sorts from me because 'he'd never done it' before.

Executive functioning problems are real issues. Not excuses.

Sorry.. Posted too soon. I hadn't done this stuff either I just had to figure it out. Since being on my own there have been lots of things that I would have preferred to offload to someone else but had to do.including setting up Internet etc. You just have to DO IT. My current partner is very capable and runs his own household alone, we both do. I'd never be with anyone again who needs constant help with basic adulting.

I'm not sure men like this are in fact able to be effective at work - I think they are just as useless there, and just get away with it for strange cultural reasons involving everyone turning a blind eye to utter incompetence in men with university degrees / years on the job.

I was once, many years ago, landed with monitoring a team of managers at a council and dear god one of them in particular was bloody hopeless. He was 'heading up' various team projects all going tits up because no-one senior had ever challenged him before. He struck me as the sort whose partner probably had to help him use the tin opener at home. I think the whole lot of them were carried by their largely female juniors and PAs.

DH won't do anything with technology. He uses the excuse that home computers weren't around when he was in his 20's, they most certainly were, probably not for his income bracket though.