To think my DH is like a child

[Usernamed]

Feeling slightly guilty after ranting to my DH last night that he's like a child. I will explain the situation, which is basically my world on a regular basis. Sorry it's long...

DH never organises anything or seems to take responsibility for life stuff, despite having a good job (so obviously does these things at work) and being a general great man/Dad otherwise.

So our fixed mortgage is up for renewal and I spent ages finding a good deal to swap to - ringing banks etc. I fill in all the forms. All DH has to do is get together a bank statement with his name on, wage slips and a letter confirming salary and post it online.

So firstly it takes him a few days of trying to log on to our joint account (to get statement in his name) to realise that he can't log on. This is because he hasn't logged on to it since he set up on-line banking.

I'm annoyed at this because we had a conversation months ago where he agreed to log on to our joint account every now and then to at least have visibility of it, as I do all the banking and he never ever even looks at the account or knows what's in there.

He has to contact bank for new password. When letter arrives he says it does not contain the correct information. The letter does, and he realises this days later (after I get him to look/try again), and he manages to log-on and get his statement doc.

He had a letter from work containing his salary (just co-incidentally since we applied for the mortgage application). He put it in the bureau but now can't find it. He spends ages looking in folders for the letter and I tell him to look again in the bureau. He looks and can't find it. I end up looking for it and find it in the bureau.

He needs to scan the letter and send it to his computer. He looks at our printer and asks me how to use it. I tell him, no-one showed me how to use the printer - it's easy. This seems to stress him out. I explain how to attach it to his laptop (in the friggin USB port!). He then says "How do you scan?". (By pressing the friggin SCAN button!)

Then he can't find the email that was sent to him with the online link to the page where he has to attach files. I end up having to find it in my emails.

Seriously feeling like he can't do stuff by himself. Why do I always have to get involved? And this is after leaving him to flounder for a bit in the hope he will sort it out for himself. In contrast, I rarely need him to do this kind of stuff for me and do all the organising, DIY, finances, everything... This situation happens A LOT and I find it so irritating!

Basically it's like I'm the manager of the house. He waits to be told.

Turn this to your advantage.

I have this issue, and I have partially solved it by saying "If I am the manager, I manage, I am not responsible for doing. I am delegating the doing downwards. If you don't like the task you've been delegated, you need to manage your own project. I will swap this delegated task if you take something else on on your own initiative."

Other times I just delegate the task. And try to not be annoyed I had to think of it in the first place.

I also often, often, often talk about what sort of life my DH would like to model to his DC. Would he be happy if they end up in a relationship EXACTLY like ours, with frustrations EXACTLY like ours? If you won't change for me, change for them...

I would say he is more disorganised than "like a child."

He had a mother who I think managed his life for him.....I have tried not getting involved or helping, and what happens is.....nothing! Nothing gets done

I have no sympathy for you OP, because you knew he was like this when you met him. You chose to marry and have kids to him.
You've enabled him.
You're still enabling him.
You're prepared to carry on enabling him - to your own detriment.

You are willing to let him screw up your future re work and financial independence and forever be his skivvy... because you would rather carry on enabling him instead of seriously re-considering your future with him.

Your dc are growing up thinking it's normal to be unsupported by a partner, to not be treated with any respect or consideration....that it's normal to sacrifice your own future and self worth for someone else.

You can put a stop to this bullshit anytime you choose OP.
You can choose not to be a martyr.

I would have been seriously turned off by this kind of infantilism very early on and never allowed it to get to this stage.
If i had to effectively be a single parent then i'd rather do it properly - at least then the only children i'd be responsible for would be the ones i gave birth to......and i'd be able to get my life back.

CantStopMeNow I agree with every single word. I simply fail to understand why anyone would be in a relationship with one of these pathetic professional incompetents let alone marry and have children with one. I also don't know how one can describe such a person as being a good father because the children will mirror the actions of the adults and another generation of incompetents thus produced.

I can almost see in some of the posts, the men being metaphorically patted affectionately on head as if they were a child. It's all too depressing.

A performance like that would give me the creeps if it came from someone I'd been to bed with. Ewww.

I wouldn’t work part time to enable a manchild. I’d work full time, put my career and earning power first, and when it all inevitably goes tits-up, I’d be able to walk away safe in the knowledge I earnt enough to go it alone, could already cope with doing all the household things alone AND with the utter joy of knowing that task was now halved as I wouldn’t be waiting on a grown man hand and foot.

Do not trap yourself by working less to make up for a man’s shortcomings. You’ll get nothing for it in the end, nothing or emotionally. And doing it all alone with no resentment is a wonderful feeling.

Mine was like this. I did two things:

• kept a list of all chores I did that week and at the end of the week I stuck it on the kitchen noticeboard, so that "if he was ever stuck for something to do he could choose one of these tasks". He looked shocked at the amount on the list, and an hour or so later I saw him cleaning the bathroom!

• I told him I found him super hot and attractive when he cleaned (not a lie)

PhilomenaButterfly
DH won't do anything with technology. He uses the excuse that home computers weren't around when he was in his 20's, they most certainly were, probably not for his income bracket though.

It's obviously bullshit isn't it. When I started work in 1961 we had manual typewriters. If I am capable of using a computer why can't he?

I think it's a kind of phobia. He's 13 years older than me, I got a ZX81 when I was 13. So he was 26. Although my DF was a teacher, DH was a decorator, so, as I said, he probably wouldn't have had the income to get one, and he wouldn't have used one at school, we had BBC computers for maths quizzes and our chemistry teacher let us play with his ZX81.

Hmmm, I've known a few people like this and they tend to be "accommodated" somehow at work as well as at home, until they are managed out and divorced, sometimes at the same time!

I think no matter how old you are you need to have a positive mindset about learning new things, or your circle of comfort just shrinks. It sounds like you don't have very high expectations of him tbh.

Please don't bin off your career for housework and lifemin. You deserve a fulfilling work life too, if you want one.

I can't agree more, CantStop.

PhilomenaButterfly A very convenient 'phobia' don't you think? Win/win for him - you do it all.

Barbie he's a caretaker, he doesn't need to use technology at work and he's quite happy with a wall calendar at home.