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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Cross about valentines day

97 replies

Swizzlefizzlefoo · 12/02/2019 21:50

Sorry. I'm not usually a princess.

I hate having to sort something out for v day. I do a lot of general sorting and booking. Id like to just not think about it. Told bf This. He looked under pressure and said 'yiuve got loads more time to book stuff ' true - he doesn't work in an office job, i Do.
So I've booked tix for a gig on thus night. feel like I have to offer to drive as it's in town, I've got work on Friday, don't want to add to the expense and book a taxi. And if the gig I've booked is rubbish then at least he can get pissed. And then dinner - cause the gig starts at half seven I feel I need to have cooked it.

Aibu to feel this way? Why on earth do I feel this way??

OP posts:

Bluelady · 13/02/2019 08:13

Obligatory feel loved up day, the very antithesis of romance.

Cookit · 13/02/2019 08:16

So how do you think he would react if you are just honest and say it’s getting a bit too stressful this organising things and you don’t want to do it? So how about just a nice evening in? (Or alternatively, he sorts it.)
If he’s a nice guy he won’t be making you feel bad about it.

Mummyoflittledragon · 13/02/2019 08:20

I think you should write him a text explaining why you feel Valentine’s Day is a big deal to you. It’s ok to have these feelings, you know.

Tell him you’ve organised something nice for you to do as a couple. However, you really need something special from him too to feel validated as a person. It’s not about him and who he is (as he’s lovely) it’s about you and how you feel. Ask him to respect this and make you feel special tomorrow.

AgathaF · 13/02/2019 08:25

This is not about Valentine's Day, nor about your current boyfriend. This is baggage from your previous relationship, and some from being single for a few years where you think you've missed out.

That's not your boyfriends fault. If he's not a great organiser then either accept it and go with the flow, meaning either take it willingly on yourself or just be a little more low key about stuff like this, or end it with him and find someone else who wants to do big gestures.

This day is not worth getting yourself wound up over. It's your first Valentine's Day together. It runs the risk of being your last if you don't simmer down about it.

diddl · 13/02/2019 08:45

If neither of you want to book or organise something-then nothing gets booked or organised- & that's OK.

TatianaLarina · 13/02/2019 08:58

Sounds to me like he’s crap at organising things in general it’s not specific to Valentine’s Day. So either you can work with that or you can’t. I couldn’t personally. If you have kids together you will be the one organising everything.

PBo83 · 13/02/2019 09:05

Like a lot of posters on here, neither me, nor my wife are particularly of this arbitrary 'loved up' day. We would never dream of going to a restaurant (full of other couples, in and out as quickly as possible and having to share heart-shaped food of a set menu...no thanks!).

Instead we'll exchange cards and make sure we have the evening together...simple and no pressure.

OP, are you sure that your partner EXPECTS you to goto all of this effort? In my experience, men are typically less 'bothered' about Valentines Day and would happily give it a miss.

Wedgiecar58 · 13/02/2019 11:34

YABU. If you really want to do something, you shouldn't mind making the plans.

If you'd rather he took care of it, you'd be happy to go along with whatever he's organised - even if thats nothing, just a regular night in at home.

You can't have it both ways. If you don't want to make plans, leave it to him. Don't begrudgingly book something then moan about it.

Women tend to take the lead in planning stuff. You said yourself I do a lot of general sorting and booking. so why would your partner expect Valentine's Day to be any different?

Also, going out on V day is totally overpriced and overrated. Would much much rather a nice card and a homecooked meal (either by me or DH, or together!).

Mushroomsarehorrible · 13/02/2019 11:59

Swizzlefizzlefoo

It feels like he's never going to do anything nice for me

What is the point of him then? Sack him off if he CBA. MN hates VD (I'm indifferent) but the important point here is that you are with someone who doesn't make an effort for you.

UserUser123 · 13/02/2019 12:05

This post totally validates my point about Valentine’s Day being full of forced romantic gestures

Figgygal · 13/02/2019 12:09

It's manufactured love day why does it matter?

Notmorewashing · 13/02/2019 12:11

Why are u bothering ???? It’s a waste of time and effort especially on a school night

Dyrne · 13/02/2019 13:07

People saying the OP shouldn’t be bothered and going on about forced commercial tat are missing the point here - OP has been in an abusive relationship, so I can completely understand the idea of idealising a date that appears from the outside to be all about loving relationships. Now that OP is in a loving relationship, it’s completely understandable that she’d feel pressure to live up to this idealised expectation.

StreetwiseHercules · 13/02/2019 13:15

Fuck Valentine’s Day. It’s a load of rubbish.

And this “I just want to feel special” pish it something I’ve never understood. It’s like people infantilise themselves with this nonsense.

altiara · 13/02/2019 13:19

I think Valentine’s Day takes on more significance to those with partners that don’t make an effort or equal effort in the relationship. Then it’s like the whole world is saying, it’s VD - this is the one day your partner will make an effort. Then if they don’t then it’s shit. But really it’s shit anyway because it’s what they’re like the rest of the time that counts.

ValentineBirthdayGirl · 13/02/2019 13:35

Valentine's Day is just a tad older than Hallmark, ffs.

PBo83 · 13/02/2019 14:01

Valentine's Day is just a tad older than Hallmark, ffs.

Very true but it used to be an occasion where people anonymously declared their love for someone.

People's dislike for it comes from the mutation of this (and the giving and receiving of cards between partners if you wish) to yet ANOTHER day where huge pressure is piled on people (most of whom already have enough going on) to make it 'special'.

My wife and I exchange cards, we make sure we have no plans for the evening so that we can spend it together that's it. I don't spend £100's on roses (I buy her flowers, randomly, throughout the year), I don't book an overcrowded restaurant so we can eat 'sharing' food off a set menu and I've been warned that, should I ever buy her a teddy holding a heart, she'll leave me! (A joke of course!)

Of course, all of this pressure is made so much worse by social media. Come tomorrow we will be flooded with photos of huge bouquets, drowned by heart-eye-emojis and made nauseous by public declarations of love.

What are these men/women like the rest of the year though? To me, love is buying flowers on a whim, my wife picking me up a packet of the sweets she knows I like, leaving a nice note if I have to leave the house before she gets up. Love isn't about shouting "Look how much I love you!" or, worse still "Look what a great partner I am/have" as if you've got something to prove.

PhilomenaButterfly · 13/02/2019 14:04

I've bought DH a card and Godiva chocolates. We have simple tastes.

thatmustbenigelwiththebrie · 13/02/2019 14:11

I didn't even know it was Valentine's Day. I've got a smear test after work and DP plays rugby on a Thursday so I guess that's as romantic as we get.

Eliza9917 · 13/02/2019 15:55

I think part of this is cause on some level I think men should sort v day out for their partners!

Why?

But regarding what you've booked, that you don't want to do, more fool you for buying in to it all. Just because it's v.day doesn't mean you have to go out etc if you don't want/can't afford to

Eliza9917 · 13/02/2019 16:05

We don't make a big fuss for valentines day. The most memorable one was when we ended up in a chain restaurant with 2 couples on tables either side of us and it was obvious that they'd both had arguments. One couple wasn't talking at all and the womans' face was like thunder, on the other side they were both being really arsey and snipey.

That was seriously awkward. We ate up and ran!

Pieceofpurplesky · 13/02/2019 18:51

Cancel the tickets, get the m and s deal. Lots of food and wine. Just chill and relax together.

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