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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell my sister she gives me her salary or I won't help her again.

64 replies

tiddlywinkles · 12/02/2019 21:35

I have been on mumsnet for a while. I need to name change because if my family connect this post to my last I will be outed.

My sister is a fantastic mother and sister but, she also has a debilitating gambling problem.

She has had a weakness for gambling for 20 + years. We have been through some horrible stages of her stealing money and being dishonest. We openly told her that we would never ever give her money directly but, would always be on hand to give emotional support and to buy her whatever she needed.

At the start of last year she approached my mother, father and myself to let us us know she was in trouble again. Upon investigation she had actually gambled away just under £47,000 in savings her and her late husband had gathered.

We got her the therapy and help she needed and I took control of her bank accounts. She still worked so when her salary came in I gave her a weekly allowance and paid her bills, mortgage, food shops and anything her two kids needed. The rest I put into her savings account.This was a great success.

She took back control of the accounts in October 2018 and stopped her rehabilitation journey and within 4 months we are back in the same place.

This time my parents have decided to take a step back and not help as she voluntarily removed herself from all her classes. They are ready however to house and feed the kids if my sister loses her home.

I have said I will help on the condition that she gives me access to her accounts again as I know without control over her spending we won't get anywhere. She has refused. Without this I am not going to waste my time helping her when she's gambling behind my back. Instead, I will pour my energy into my niece and nephew.

Is this fair? I feel that having the same issue over 20 years is wearing thin and maybe if she loses her house, job and car she will finally take her rehabilitation seriously.

OP posts:
Maelstrop · 12/02/2019 21:38

YANBU, although your thread title is goady and not designed to generate sympathy.

Fabaunt · 12/02/2019 21:39

You can’t help someone who won’t help themselves. I would make sure the kids are fed and looked after but I wouldn’t take your sister in, I wouldn’t feed her. I would only offer support in helping her take control of her life. When you tell her you’ll be there to buy whatever she needs, she doesn’t need to save her wages.

Your parents are right to take a step back

Mayrhofen · 12/02/2019 21:39

I would say the same OP. Sorry you are having to deal with this. Allowing full access to her money when she is already in so much trouble isn’t helping anyone. I think you ha e to step back like your parents.

Original poster
tiddlywinkles · 12/02/2019 21:41

@maelstrop I don't particularly care about striking sympathy. I want to be very straightforward to get genuine opinions.

OP posts:
Santaclarita · 12/02/2019 21:42

Take a step back and help the kids. Not her though. She's had enough chances.

2cats2many · 12/02/2019 21:42

It's heartbreaking for all of you and I'm glad that you are focusing on your sisters children. They are the innocent victims here and will need a lot of support to get their heads around why mum is behaving like this.

You can't save your sister. She can only do it herself and she's probably going to need for things to get a lot worse than they are now before she makes a change. If she does at all, that is.

It's bloody horrible for all of you Flowers

fartfacemcfartfaceface · 12/02/2019 21:42

Like alcoholism, sometimes it takes hitting rock bottom before she will bounce back up. If you and your folks are her safety net, she'll never hit that rock bottom. I agree with your parents - take a step back, but be there for her children as they will need you.

Ribbonsonabox · 12/02/2019 21:43

YANBU

Pardalis · 12/02/2019 21:45

It's a short term fix. Which I'm sure you already know. All the time you are controlling her money she's not taking responsibility for her actions. Apologies, I'm not telling you something you don't already know.

Maybe a phased approach is needed along with help from counselling. You help her with making sure the essentials are paid. And wean her off the gambling slowly. An allowance for it - so she feels like she has a choice instead of going cold turkey.

What kind of gambling does she do?

Singlenotsingle · 12/02/2019 21:46

Sister obviously can't control herself where money is concerned. She is surprisingly ungrateful and should cooperate with you, as you're only trying to help her. I would wash my hands of her, and concentrate on the children.

LeekMunchingSheepShagger · 12/02/2019 21:47

Yanbu take a step back and be there for the children. What a difficult situation Flowers

BarbarianMum · 12/02/2019 21:50

Youre a lot nicer than me OP. I'd stop giving her money at all. Help your parents with the cost of caring for the children if they take them on.

There are no real consequences for her if you keep on running in and rescuing her - and no real incentive to change and stick to it.

Cocobean30 · 12/02/2019 21:51

I think you have done all you can. You and your parents are right to support the children without enabling your sister. I hope this is a wake up call for her it must be very stressful for you x

Original poster
tiddlywinkles · 12/02/2019 21:52

@pardalis Giving her an allowance towards gambling worked wonders before and then she made a big loss on day 1 and became compulsive about finding more.

It started with slot machines in the local arcade when she was 15/16. Then when she collected glasses in a pub she was still on slot machines and spin machines only with a salary to fund it instead of pocket money.

Now it's online sites like BetFred. She says the price for spin increases and increases until she is hundreds of pounds down.

OP posts:
Blahdeblahbahhhhh · 12/02/2019 21:55

YANBU, horribly sad. I would focus a lot of energy on her children though.

Fink · 12/02/2019 21:55

YADNBU.

In your shoes, I would be quite proactive about checking the kids are getting what they need rather than wait for her to lose her home before taking them in. Apart from that, I'd be doing nothing to help her. I've helped a family member with an addiction before, and like a pp said, sometimes they need to have that safety net taken away before they can begin to recover.

BarbarianMum · 12/02/2019 21:59

giving her an allowance towards gambling worked wonders before

Only it didnt really, because here you are.

PyongyangKipperbang · 12/02/2019 22:00

She says the price for spin increases and increases until she is hundreds of pounds down.

No it doesnt. Thats not legal. She is perfectly able to choose the amount she wants to bet per spin (not a gambler btw but a friend works in the industry and the stories he can tell....) so she is the one increasing what she spends.

The problem with gambling is that every time you lose you need to win more back just to get back where you started. So you bet more as you will win more, except you dont win and so it gets worse.

Pardalis · 12/02/2019 22:02

@tiddlywinkles

Ok, so already tried. I live with someone with an addictive personality. Not gambling but I understand the cycles of cold turkey and relapse. I too have lost support for the cold turkey cycles.

With gambling, there is that risk/reward. The highs and then needing to get back from a low to that high? I'm guessing. Is there anything that can replace that? Ultimately something that isn't financial based?
Or has she learned a skill at all that could be channeled into something useful? I hate to say it because it doesn't feel like a cure but some play trade accounts. Forex for example. No access to real money but the thrill with no reward.

Until she is cured long term.

I understand that it may just make things worse though - you know her best

AliceAbsolum · 12/02/2019 22:04

You can't control her gambling. End of. Stop infantalising her.
I it's hard but trying to control this situation is just making it worse. Let her reach her rock bottom.

Go on gambling anon and read the family and friends part.

Mummyoflittledragon · 12/02/2019 22:15

YANBU
How awful for you all. Sad

BrightSpells · 12/02/2019 22:26

It didn't work op.

Be ready to help the children, but taking control will just drag this out for longer. It will happen again. And again. And again.

Sarahjconnor · 12/02/2019 22:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fezzesarecool · 12/02/2019 22:31

Just back away and be ready to help the children. You can’t help someone who doesn’t want to help themselves. Echoing what others have said, it really is time to be cruel to be kind and let her hit rock bottom.

How old are the kids?

BMW6 · 12/02/2019 22:35

OP are you going to take control of her finances for the rest of your life?

I think her children should be your only concern.

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