To tell my sister she gives me her salary or I won't help her again.

[tiddlywinkles]

I have been on mumsnet for a while. I need to name change because if my family connect this post to my last I will be outed.

My sister is a fantastic mother and sister but, she also has a debilitating gambling problem.

She has had a weakness for gambling for 20 + years. We have been through some horrible stages of her stealing money and being dishonest. We openly told her that we would never ever give her money directly but, would always be on hand to give emotional support and to buy her whatever she needed.

At the start of last year she approached my mother, father and myself to let us us know she was in trouble again. Upon investigation she had actually gambled away just under £47,000 in savings her and her late husband had gathered.

We got her the therapy and help she needed and I took control of her bank accounts. She still worked so when her salary came in I gave her a weekly allowance and paid her bills, mortgage, food shops and anything her two kids needed. The rest I put into her savings account.This was a great success.

She took back control of the accounts in October 2018 and stopped her rehabilitation journey and within 4 months we are back in the same place.

This time my parents have decided to take a step back and not help as she voluntarily removed herself from all her classes. They are ready however to house and feed the kids if my sister loses her home.

I have said I will help on the condition that she gives me access to her accounts again as I know without control over her spending we won't get anywhere. She has refused. Without this I am not going to waste my time helping her when she's gambling behind my back. Instead, I will pour my energy into my niece and nephew.

Is this fair? I feel that having the same issue over 20 years is wearing thin and maybe if she loses her house, job and car she will finally take her rehabilitation seriously.

My youngests dad is an alcoholic. We went through absolute hell with him. Eventually I had to leave him for our safety. You can't help these people. I don't know what it is or why they do it. I tried absolutely everything but in the end I realised I wasn't helping him I was his safety net and he couldn't and wouldn't stop. I just needed to remove myself from the situation. I don't know if I could leave my sister to it but then I don't know if you're doing any good by always being there. It's like she can do what she wants because she knows you'll pick up the pieces for her. She knows it works out good when she hands over control of her finances to you BUT she won't even do that this time. It just seems like she still hasn't hit rock bottom enough to realise the impact of what she's doing and I'd be livid that she won't agree to that this time while still expecting your support. I don't know what you can do except look out for the children and make sure they're ok.

Can you persuade her to get herself excluded / banned from all the online gambling sites? Of course this will not solve things but will be a start.

Have your family looked at residential addiction treatment? If you have the resources the fund it, obviously not everyone does.

I do slots for matched betting offers, they don’t increase the stake for you.

The online ones can be set to bar you if you have a problem.

I don't think taking control of her finances actually gets to the root of the problem. It's not her learning self control- you're in control. I agree with others - she had to hit rock bottom before she sees what SHE had to do to put her life in order. It must be so sad seeing her waste money that could really make a difference to her kids lives. Sorry you've had this for 20 years!

Those poor children

Yanbsoumds like a tough and crappy situation

Google "The stages of change". You can't (very easily) intervene with someone who does not yet acknowledge a problem, or who knows there's a problem but isn't ready to change. You and others can help by helping her to move to a place where she wants to change. I really feel for you, it's a horrid situation.

Tell her (kindly) one more time- her lovely kids will grow up in poverty, they will have nothing saved to help them start out as adults, no inheritance from her to look forward to. They are also at risk of seeing their mum's distress and bailiffs etc. Give her one last attempt, and don't give her accounts back at the end of it. She's giving away her children's future. Where is their dad? Could she lose the children to him if things get bad?

I must say Paddy Power offered us and her a lot of advice when they noticed she was making big losses... I couldn't thank then enough

Don't be too thankful to them! They advertise relentlessly, have free starting offers to draw people in, make their website to encourage people to play just one more game.... I assume their focus on "Responsible Gambling" has some root in wanting to improve their public image.

Really sorry your family is going through this. I agree that sadly your sister has to truly want to change.

Controlling her bank accounts is damage limitation but won't address her underlying compulsion to gamble, she will slip back if she gets a chance. So if you do take control of her accounts again, it will be for the long haul and it will be a holding measure, which you may or may not think is worthwhile.

OP you sound like a really lovely and caring sister.

The actions you have identified seem very sensible.

I completely understand your parents approach when she won't help herself.

Poor kids. Well done being there for them.

There is nothing you can do to help her. Nothing. Playing mommy cop to her bank account is just enabling her.

She has a problem you can't solve or help with. And no, she's not a good mother or sister with this addiction.

Stay out of it and let her deal with her own consequences. If the kids become neglected because of her, you might possibly be able to get custody of them.

So just stay out of it. It is only hurting her and yourself.

When I first heard the American term 'degenerate gambler' I thought it was very cruel. But having seen the results of gambling addiction at fairly close hand I no longer have any sympathy for gamblers. I don't care if it's an addiction. Gamblers don't care what it's doing to their family, so why should everyone else knock themselves out to help them?

tiddywinkles YANBU.

You sound like a wonderful sister and aunty. She is incredibly lucky to have you. Even if she doesn't realise.

My husband was a compulsive gambler. Well, he still is i guess. They say you are always a gambler, even if you're not practicing. It's like a disease. It makes people like your sister, good people, great mothers and fathers, do terrible things. My husband stole, lied and nearly lost us everything over a 10 year period. We only survived because i took control of all the money and worked 2 jobs. Needs must where children are involved.

In the same way, your sister is only surviving because of you and your parents. It's exhausting for the family and you have had little choice.

My husband, with therapy, no longer gambles. I want to tell you she can give up. It may not be this time but it's good that she's come to you. Sounds like she is slowly working out it needs to end, very slowly.

In your position, I would prioritise the children at all costs. As soon as they suffer in any conceivable way, you must step in. You say her 'late husband.' If they have lost their father and she has spent all the savings, does she know how awful that makes her sound? The truth may be hard to hear, but her behaviour is at odds to her love for them. Hopefully they can be her catalyst.

Gambling is a horrible addiction, so hard to empathise with, so difficult to break. I really feel for you but wanted you to know people can break the cycle and change.

You sound amazing

Good luck op

Op have a look at SMART meetings - she may find them helpful.