to ask how you cope with cats and a new baby

[feelingsadrightnow]

Regular MNer but have name changed for this as don't want to get shot down.

Back story is that we used to have a Bengal cat who was run over and killed about 18 months ago. This happened at the end of a terrible year in which we lost both of our fathers and my grandfather, amongst other crap. I was signed off work for a couple of weeks after we lost our cat for (cumulative, I suppose) grief and in this time visited a Bengal breeder - mainly to be around the breed for a couple of hours as I thought it would be healing.

She had a litter of extremely cute kittens which I told my devastated husband about (our Bengal was actually his - aged 5 - who I had 'adopted' when we got together). DH wanted to go see them and so we went back to the breeder a few days later. We lost our cat in Oct 17 and then bought a brother and sister pair in Nov with the view to collect them mid-Jan 2018.

I was signed off from work again in Feb for a couple of months as the tragedies of 2017 had really caught up on me and my mental health had really suffered. I spent a lot of time with the kittens (although they were trapped in one room for a month as we carried out extensive kitchen renovations). The girl is extremely bright but very mischievous with it, the boy seems to be filled with a lot of feelings which he can't handle - eg he was suckling his sister for weeks after we brought them home, and he wants to be 'on' a human much of the time but with me he seemed to get overwhelmed and would occasionally lash out (teeth/claws) completely unexpectedly while cuddled up to me and purring like mad. This was when he was getting LOTS of love and attention. We complained to the breeder who said he was 'in love' with me and would grow out of it.

Found out we were pregnant a month after getting the kittens (we had only decided we wanted to try for a baby after our bereavements and then it happened very quickly - which we didn't expect as both pushing 40). I still managed to spend a great deal of time with the cats as when I went back to work I had one day a week working from home.

Fast forward - our baby was born prematurely in September and when we first brought her home I was very nervous about her being near the cats as she was so tiny and we had only 'known' them for 5 months, so we kept them in the (large) kitchen away from the rest of the house - plus we have built an enclosed 'cat run' outside for them.

But they have become quite naughty now - kitchen diner is shredded, they have chewed quite a few appliances, had a few 'accidents' from the girl indoors (litter trays are in a sheltered area outside) including a poop in the middle of the kitchen last night and - most worryingly - our boy still lashes out he used to just do this to me but actually prowled then jumped at my husband last week.

Our predicament is that our boy cat is so unpredictable - plus we feel we cannot give the cats their best life since we had our baby. There is no way I'd ever leave baby and pets unsupervised but I'm even worried about him being near her when I'm holding her. They seem to be more wild (more true Bengal?) than our previous cat and aren't getting the freedom he had either as we only let them outside if in the cat run (seeing as our cat was killed by crossing a road). We are now talking about having to return them to the breeder ☹️ I just can't decide if this is actually okay and the best thing for them.

Having written the above essay I don't know what I'm asking really. I guess just affirmation that this isn't a bad thing to do and whether anyone else has had to rehome a pet when baby has arrived.

Of course in hindsight we were WAY too hasty 'replacing' our cat but sadly we can't go back and undo that.

I know your last one died from being run over, but even with that risk it might be better to let them have a free run. That might help the behaviour at home?

But, if you feel that the breeder can find them a nice new home I wouldn’t worry too much. They’ll be ok in the long run. You’re not abandoning them.

Could the breeder perhaps find a new home for them whilst they are with you? Then they won’t have to be moved around too much.

Hi, well I think you know that you simply cannot risk anything to do with your baby. 'm not going to judge you but I feel that there may be some on here who will be a little more harsh. It sounds like you had a really tough time and you went into it all with the best of intentions - but I dont have any advice on where or how to rehome them sensibly, its a bit of a mess. Hope you find some answers. Congratulations on your baby!

I can’t really help but wanted to say we had a snow spotted Bengal and he was beautiful , loving and very mischievous.
He loved my dd when she was born and was so placid with her even when she would try to cuddle him .
The issue came when he got a bit older (he was about 3 when dd was born ) as the cats would always sleep in the kitchen , our pets always have but when he was about 5 he would start yowling at around midnight on and off for HOURS and as you know they can sound horrendous !
We lived in a flat as we were told when we got him to not let them go outside by the breeder but I think this was misinformation as when I looked more in to it we realised they need to be able to prowl outside as it’s in a bengals nature so long story short (kinda!) maybe you need to be brave and let them start going outside so they can burn off some energy as at the moment you are their playthings and they need to practice on you

I’m not usually an advocate of returning pets, but it sounds like they would have a better life somewhere else OP. If the breeder can find them a good, experienced home then I think that would be best all round.

They’re not having much or a life, shut in one room with an outside run.

I’m a huge cat lover and have two small kids but for once I agree with one of the posters above that you need to rehome these cats. It’s cruel for them and they sound unpredictable. My husband’s sister had her eye scratched out by a cat when she was a baby.

We have two bengals and I had a baby 2 years ago. Ours are very clever and can open doors so we put a bolt on the downstairs door so that they couldn’t get anywhere near DD when she was sleeping. We were lucky though as while they were very interested in her things they didn’t have any interest in her; the most challenging part was when she got interested in them but they were ok with this.
We were quite lucky with ours that they were ok with our DD and we’d had one 4 years and the other two years so (the second was was rehomed to us by the breeder) so we felt we knew them well

Hello there.

It seems like your cats are only a year old? Well my cats, girl 6 and boy 3, were both pains in the ass at that age really. The girl grew out of it when she was around 1.5 or 2 years old while the boy was closer to 2.5-3 years old before he stopped being very naughty. I think it's just immaturity really. Like how the worst age for male dogs is often 1.5-2. The boy was definitely a pain though, destroying our carpet, our sofas, knocking over glasses (or anything containing water), also unpredictable biting and scratching despite being very loving. We also considered rehoming him but he changed very quickly after we had moved and they were allowed outside.

I think they will grow out of it but perhaps your home is not the best for them, maybe it's stressful for them to be around new parents who cannot handle them?
Do you spend time stimulating them through play? At least 15 minutes a day?

I won't go into the whole story but just to say, I have a new baby and my 2 loved pet cats are being re-homed this weekend. We tried. We failed. You are not alone.

We were lucky in that our cat showed not the slightest interest in our DD as a baby and gave her a wide berth until she was about 5yo and he thought she was safe enough to try to get a cuddle from.
Your cats sound very unhappy though and I think it is understandable that you want to rehome them.

Thanks for all your responses so far. Everyone is so understanding! @user1486250399 sorry to hear about your situation ☹️ were you worried about them near your baby? Have you had them for long? I do wonder whether they'd grow out of it but also now worried (thanks to conversations with my mum!) about how things are going to be when baby starts crawling.

Just feel horrible when I look at them now... like we know something they don't. Our first step is to call the breeder - she didn't think we should let them roam fully. We don't spend enough time properly playing with them since baby came along ☹️

There are lots of reasons. We never once considered it would be a problem, but in the event - my baby sneezes and goes red when they are near, they constantly get fleas (we have never once missed a treatment so they must have become immune to what the vet prescribes), they go crazy tearing round the house at night and wake both kids up - we can't shut either bedroom door as DD can't open her own door and freaks out if she is trapped in her room, we have no doors in the downstairs of the house so they have to be shut in the conservatory (where cat flap is) at night/ when we are de-fleaing. I have PND. Dead mice left in the kitchen where I prep my kids food. I saw a flea walk across my baby's head after I had spent a full day treating them and the house resulting in my oldest having tantrums as she'd basically been ignored most of the day while I washed everything and I just broke down. I love my cats. That's why I know, hard as it is, they deserve an owner who can give them what they deserve and need: time, cuddles, attention, free rein of the house.

These kind of threads usually annoy me but this isn't a 'can't be bothered with my cats now I have a baby' thread. You clearly love them.

I've never owned one but I'm sure I read somewhere that Bengals need a lot of stimulation due to their intelligence and energy. The fact that they're only babies will make them even more in need of attention.

I don't think it's feasible that you will have enough time for them and the kindest thing for all of you would be to re-home them unfortunately

I had cats for 3 years before my first son was born and things deteriorated rapidly from when I bought the baby home.

They scratched at the carpets and shredded them, they started urinating in the house, they would urinate over the babies pram/clothing/cot constantly and we never ever saw them. They went from being loving and social cats to being ones who hid away from us and one of them was constantly getting stress induced cystitis.

We did everything we could to try and make things better (I dread to think out how money it cost us) but after 18 months of nothing changing I had to admit defeat and rehome them and I was devastated.

That was 3 years ago now and thankfully they are in a happy and living home now and I’m still in touch with the gentleman who took them off us. He regularly sends me photos of them and updates on how they’re doing and they are so much happier now.

Like I said, I was devastated to lose them but it was definitely the right thing for them.

It isn’t fair to keep them confined they are obviously unhappy, wrecking things and crapping on the floor is a symptom of that. They are young and will find a more suitable home so I would let them go.

I had 3 cats and a dog, before I had my family. It’s isn’t easy, but we made it work. Getting an animal is a huge commitment, no way could I have parted with any of them personally.

You get so many issues with designer cat breeds like bengals, because they’re so inbred. Behavioural issues like this are very common in bengals (and others, like siamese).

If the breeder will take them back that’s probably for the best.

Let them out or rehome them. They are unhappy and stressed.

We had to rehome as one kept pissing in the new cot :'(

I think you can keep your cats, though it's going to take some work. They are young and probably quite miffed at being 'replaced' by a baby (as they would see it). Whilst you can't give them as much attention as before, I think making a big effort to fuss the cats, and (as much as you can) relax some of your restrictions on them woukd help.

I've got cats and a baby (now toddler) and that's how we've managed. One of our cats can be quite bitey/scratchy (not her fault, long story) so we have to supervise very closely, but it's been OK.

Being honest here, she has had I think two light scratches (hand and foot) which did upset me at the time (baby didn't even notice) but this was at the crawling/tail pulling phase shudder but since she learned that was a bad idea, no more, (and no more tail pulling!) At some stage, however careful you are, one might hurt the other ("ie a scratch, tail pulling), it's happened in every family I know with a cat, but it's also though not great, not the end of the world either, unless your cat goes for eyes (far more likely to be fast moving hands and feet). It'll probably be with a mobile child who will have already tripped, faceplanted and toddled their way around.

I think it's a case of being very vigilant (always supervised interaction, door to child's room shut at night), but trying to manage your anxiety about it as well. Our cats have been able to come close and have a look/sniff of baby from day one, with one of us at their side. I think if I'd always shut them in another room then she would have been less 'accepted' as part of the family, and more viewed as competition. My daughters first word was cat (before mama, dada etc) and the (bitey) cat comes over and checks she's OK if she cries. We still have to be very careful and the cat gets put out of the room if she shows signs of getting bitey (it's part of her play not aggression) but it's beautiful to see the bond growing.

It's difficult, because they are cats and not children, but a certain amount of treating a cat like an older sibling (in terms of introductions, trying to reduce rivalry) can turn a difficult relationship into something precious.

Why should bengals not go outside? Is it because they are worth money, so more likely to be catnapped? (Genuine question).
Unfortunately I believe that the majority of cats do need to be outside to be genuinely happy. Our cat hates going out in the cold and wet but has spent a lot of time outside the past couple of days and is far calmer. She’s asleep on a bed somewhere now, whereas this time last week (after not wanting to go out) she was going berserk trying to run off her energy (which results in her scratching and biting me - she doesn’t seem to hurt anyone else though).
Due to a reallly bad house location (major road onto one of the busiest military bases in the country) for 18 months, I did have to keep 2 of my cats indoors and they hated it. Lots of inconntinence issues and if cats could be diagnosed with depression, these cats would have been, but it kept them alive, so I can understand why you are trying to keep them safe, but I do wonder if letting them out would solve this to a certain extent (once we moved to somewhere more suitable for cats, overnight, the cats were cured, no more incontinence, no more bad behaviour, they’d go out, have a run about and a hunt and come in and go to sleep.

Is there really no way you can let them out and have a free run?

Following this as I really feel for you OP and have a baby on the way myself. We have a dog and two cats (farms cats by breeding but you wouldn't know it!). I'm not remotely worried about the dog-although not blasé- as she loves any baby farm animal and the cats, and my sister's baby son, so I think she will cope.

I think others are right in that it could be worth giving your two some outside time. I'm going that's what will help keep the peace with ours as they both have set times that they seem to come in for fuss. The one always comes to say hello when he wants his breakfast and the other prefers to come and sit with me at bedtime. Outside of this they are busy going about their lives or curled up in the same room as us but not looking for any attention. If yours could go in and out as they please it may be enough to settle them?

Kittens/young cats are hard work at best of times and if they are confined to a small area of the home they are understandably going to be frustrated. Bengals additionally are known for being very energetic and even more of a handful.

I'm a cat charity volunteer and it is usually very frustrating when people want to give up their cats as soon as the baby arrives... However in this case it genuinely seems it would be in everyone's best interest to rehome them, especially if the breeder is happy to take them back.

Bengals are very high maintenance cats, and these are still kittens so it's going to be tough going. I wouldn't have a baby and young cats personally and I'm a seasoned cat owner and rescue volunteer. I also wouldn't have bengals :)

Things to think about:
Have they been neutered
Are they adequately stimulated
Have they got space for themselves
Are they getting dedicated attention from you
Have you tried stress relievers like feliway or valerian drops

It's so so tough, but do what you need to do for all of you. It sounds like they are unhappy and this might be best for them.

We just carried on as normal. We've got two cats. There's was nothing to 'cope' with.

Agree with pp that my cats were high maintainence when they were about 1, they're 5 now and mellowed. That said their temperament sounds very different to the breed I have.

Usually I come to these threads with the attitude that they're your responsibility, so make it work and don't give them to a shelter (as their 14 year old, diabetic, incontinent cat is realistically not going to be rehomed).

But in your case I think rehoming them is sensible, they're young, a desirable breed, they'll be snapped up I'm sure. Either that or accept they need to be allowed to fully roam and try that before homing.

I do think the outdoor litter tray is rather mean and I'm not surprised you're having accidents.

We just have a regular moggy I don't know anything about Bengals, but he was very wary of DS when we brought him home, this was good add he stayed away. Then DH thought it would be best for them to be friends 🙄 and would stroke the cat etc while holding DS, so now cat is not scared of DS wants to sniff him a lot and watches him all the time. He loves to climb on us, which makes me worry he'll climb on DS. so now the cat is shut out of our room at night and not left in a room with DS at all unless I can keep an eye on both, not of in folding laundry /ironing etc, I've told DH this is his fault and the cat was more than happy sleeping in his cat bed under the radiator which we've now had to relocate to the spare room and giving DS a wide berth. I also caught the cat in DSs cot (DS is still in his next to me in our room) so the nursery door has to stay shut when we're not in there