Is it normal to hate family life sometimes? Is there something wrong with me?

[jsername]

I've always loved being a mum. My relationship isn't 100% and has its ups and downs but on a whole, we make things work very well.

Sometimes it's just expected that I go through these phases of being miserable now (every 3 weeks or so) where I am desperate to end my relationship, where I want to just go on nights out and have my fun, where I don't want any more children ever as I don't want to be tied down anymore than I am. I feel so guilty when I think this stuff.

It's not a constant, I then go through 'up phases' where I'm desperate for more children, and love my little family and can't think of anything more fulfilling.

Is there something wrong with me??

The obvious question is why you seem to think that "family life" and "going out and having fun" are mutually exclusive things! You sound bored, I think you need to find ways of enjoying your life a bit more. Do you have any outlets? Work, hobby, friends? What did you and your DH/P do for fun before the kids came along?

I don’t know if it’s normal or not, but I feel exactly the same.

@FetchezLaVache I think you're spot on to be honest. I do see them as mutually exclusive things, I always feel like a bad mum if I go out - plus, I've got limited friends and limited hobbies (although I am in the process of starting the gym). Me and DP were quite young before having DS so didn't have a lot of formal stuff we did together, just hung out at each other's really!

PMS? It was the every 3 weeks that jumped out at me.
I am in perimenopause and having never really had PMS before I seem to have developed it. Just a thought, I could be completely wrong.
I don't think you are weird at all even if it's not PMS.

@whifflesqueak sorry you feel like that too, it's not nice when these horrible feelings hit you! Could I ask how old your DC are?

@Ragnarthe I don't think it's that, just because sometimes it can last for 2 days or sometimes the feeling can last for 3 weeks! The 3 weeks was just an approximate, it's sometimes every 2 or sometimes every 5! Thank you for your reply though - I will probably keep an eye on hormone changes and see if it matches up!

Why can't you go on nights out and have fun now? Do you get any time for yourself?

I get it. At the moment I just want to lie in bed and not talk to anyone or do anything for a few days.

@Whatsnewpussyhat my time for myself is work. I go out the odd weekend (maybe every couple of months), but I'm always on guard for if something happens with DS, and I always feel guilty about being a bad mum when I'm out on nights out. I don't know why- I feel like people judge me for it!

@Waveysnail I completely feel like that too. I'm drained currently.

I find the responsibility and drudgery overwhelming, I totally get it.

What's the point in going out - once I've arranged someone to babysit, spent money I don't have on clothes/make-up/drink then had to get up at 5.30am with the toddler the following day - no thanks, I'd rather stay in! I've started going to a relaxing pilates class on a Saturday morning as something for me but as soon as I get home it's fucking chaos and I wonder why I bothered!

I love my lovely children but do feel like it's a fucking marathon and I'm never going to get to the end. However I do also know that'll miss them so much when they aren't around everyday and miss the endless days I'm right in the middle of now.

I'm trying really hard to do more self care as I feel so much better in myself and about my life when I eat better, drink more water, get more sleep. How's your eating & sleeping?

@thefavourite thank you for your reply, I relate to it so much. How old are your DC?

My eating and sleeping is bad at the minute (especially because DS has been unwell). Sometimes I make a conscious effort to try and eat/sleep properly and others I just don't have the energy.

While the last thing I ever want to do is go on a night out ever again I can sympathise. Sometimes I fantasise about being single. I’ll sit on the tube on my way home and pretend that I am going back to my own flat. Which only has my stuff in it, no one else’s. I won’t have to clean up any messes. I will be able to eat whatever I want without considering what other people need to eat. There won’t be any noise. I won’t gave to wear any clothes. Living with other people is difficult. A lot of people will get sick of it sometimes.

I’ve noticed the stress and pressure of family life makes my PMS amplified 100 times. I never used to notice it beyond a bit of fleeting cattyness but now it’s like the rage and tear monster takes over. Furious at all that’s expected of me and angry at having to focus on everyone else every waking moment of every day and then poof! It’s gone again and I just accept it’s the way things are for now. Happens every month I’ve noticed

Racecardriver, that’s a beautiful memory/fantasy. But it’s coming again when they all leave home! Yay retirement! I’m going to drink coffee in my pristine kitchen and read the paper every morning. Heavenly!

My kids are all under 12 (4 of them).

I have constant fantasies about cooking and eating alone. This is a real sore point for me. I hate having to eat family friendly foods at family friendly mealtimes when, if I could choose, someday I'd have a banana and not much else and some days I'd come home and cook a massive curry from scratch ("yuck Mummy!"). I hate that there's no money left for the food I'd like to eat (avocados, nuts, halloumi etc) after the family food shop is done.

I love an empty house. Sometimes I skive off work when I'm working from home (not often) and have a lovely long daytime nap in the peace and quiet.

Having said all that, I do absolutely love them and think they are amazing. I'm so proud of them but it is SUCH hard work and I've had to give up so much of myself before I had really discovered who I was (and I was mid twenties when I had kids - not that young!).

And yes to PMS - since my last baby, I have incredible mood dips just before I come on.
Everything just seems so futile and i just feel so low and lost. I also have fantasies about just driving off in the middle of the night and never seeing anyone from my 'old' life (including my kids) ever again and living a fun single London life. I would NEVER EVER do it or do it to them but I do fantasise about it.

I hit perimenopause in my late 30's. I felt like all the fun had been sucked out of life. PMS was amplified but the other feelings weren't just around my cycle.

Might be worth asking for a blood test at GP. They can check hormone levels or other things like iron levels or vit D deficiency.

Thefavourite, I’ve 4 under 6. I’m like a rabbit in headlights half the time trying to cope with the demands and chaos. It’s really hard isn’t it😭 And yes to the love and pride of course. Our time will come sooner than we expect. I’m trying to put the food we (adults) like and want on the table too recently. It’s working ok for the most part but Chinese chicken in plums on rice went down like a dead camel yesterday. Except the baby, he loved it Food is really important to me and I eat and love literally every thing. So I’m finally putting the foot down and putting everything in front of them all. We’ll get there!

I recently had a similar post with no replies though 😔...... Every few weeks my mood takes a nose dive, I just don't see the point any more - not to the point of being suicidal but feel there's got to be more to life. I feel so worn down by life, I do something for me like attend a class and feel I've got to get back to the kids ASAP as though I've had enough selfish time.

Every three weeks? Is it pmt? I feel pretty down about once a month before my period then perk up afterwards.

My DH is with his parents in UK next week (family visit), our DD is away with her granny for week. I'm home alone for SEVEN days. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't looking forward to it.

PS week before my period I get evil. Could your downs be hormone related?

I too wondered if it is hormonal. Maybe start noting down your mood and see if you find any patterns?

Yes I get like this every so often. I was really feeling it yesterday.

I feel completely exhausted, drained and unmotivated and just want to be on my own.

I usually try and have a few days where I do as little as possible have early nights and I gradually perk up again.

I think its my body/ mind telling me to take some time for myself and slow down.

Its hard being "on" all the time when you are a parent.

Thank you everyone for the replies. Knowing it's not just me has made me feel like less of an awful person so thank you!