Is it normal to hate family life sometimes? Is there something wrong with me?

[jsername]

I've always loved being a mum. My relationship isn't 100% and has its ups and downs but on a whole, we make things work very well.

Sometimes it's just expected that I go through these phases of being miserable now (every 3 weeks or so) where I am desperate to end my relationship, where I want to just go on nights out and have my fun, where I don't want any more children ever as I don't want to be tied down anymore than I am. I feel so guilty when I think this stuff.

It's not a constant, I then go through 'up phases' where I'm desperate for more children, and love my little family and can't think of anything more fulfilling.

Is there something wrong with me??

@jsername if you were an awful person you wouldn't be worried about your feelings.
Having kids is fucking hard. You are not alone.

I think it is pretty normal, but it was a surprise.

I seem to be ill all of the time these days, and exhausted. I have thyroid and hormone issues which are managed. But the spring has never really got back in my step since having children. I am just tired. And also, I guess bored.

I occasionally go away on my own. This does help but I can't have too much excitement or I am just ill by the time I am back home. I have problems with the noise a young family creates and I feel the rage and anger build up when I look at all their shite and mess reappearing as quickly as it's cleaned away.

Having small children is hard.

I feel similarly. I do not find being a mother ‘fun’. It is just constant cleaning, stressing about money, about their friendships, their school life, their abilities, the lack of their abilities. I seriously think DH and I would ave long since parted ways if we didn’t have children because having them made me realise just how tied down I am. I am constantly worried about how much I will screw up their lives and they will look back as adults and say they were unhappy children.

Sadly whether or not I take up a dancing class or learn a new language will not change the way I feel.

I think it has mostly to do with the support network of family and friends around you. I have neither so life with children feels like drudgery although many looking at my life would not think so.

Yep yep yep.

I cried this morning. In the kitchen.

@SlipperOrchid related to this so much as well. I spend a lot of time worrying and flashforwarding to DS being a young adult and not having a good relationship with him because I haven't been the best I can be. I feel like I'm doing the best I can but fall short a lot and I worry so much!

@auntipatricia DH is far worse than DC so may have to wait until I am widowed.

Yes..hearing you all ladies. Slipper you are so right. It's drudgery .. and there isn't any me time. And if there ever is.. you feel guilty! I haven't been happy since 2 days in 2012 when I went away on a work trip by myself . How sad is that. I cry most days too. No family support.is the deal breaker. You have it ..your ok. You don't... your shafted.

did you say how old your dc were op?

I have baby just about to turn 1, just turned 3 and a 6 year old.

my pms is soooo much worse since having the baby. I feel really low sometimes and it isn't really "me". I think tiredness contributes. hopefully the baby will eventually sleep better.

week day mornings are my nemesis. getting everyone ready and out the house for the school run feels like a marathon and all I do from the moment I open my eyes is cajol, shout and hurry everyone. I hope it will get easier when the little one is a bit older. he's very clingy and some mornings I have to carry him around and have him on my lap while helping the other two.

I read something on here that helps when I am feeling particularly overwhelmed by the drudgery... think I get to rather than I have to. so I get to help my children, feed them, take them places. some people don't get to.

I also worry about future relationship with dc but don't have an answer to that one.

Yes, I feel like this. I fantasize about jumping on a train and having my own small place on the coast somewhere where I can just be myself, not having to take responsibility for dc/house etc, eat what I want without having to worry about catering for others, clean up my own mess etc.
When I do go out, I usually come back to a big mess or something and there seems to be much planning involved.

I wouldn't want to be on my own like this permanently without my family but I do get these thoughts an awful lot (I have a baby in the mix) so I get very little 'me' time during the day and I don't think this helps.
PMS makes it hugely worse...also perimenopause, so my hormones are scrambled.
I get envious when I see people with free time/walking along/driving whatever without a child in tow. I have no extended family and I think I feel overwhelmed and swamped.
Can very much relate to what you are saying. I am quietly developing a few hobbies though, but getting the time to pursue them is another matter!

I realise I probably don't enjoy the dcs as much as I should/could. The drudgery/mundane practicalities seem to take over and then all I do is crave me time. I have had my last 2 dc later that most of my peers and I am watching them now with slightly older children able to go out more/do more things by themselves or with their dps...with no extended family this is impossible for me at the moment, I hate feeling envy, I'm more into making your own life better but it seems difficult when you have young dc to consider and there are no easy solutions.
I also get the crying thing and I am conscious that I moan an awful lot. There is a thread on here somewhere about things people do for self care, it is quite a good uplifting post and well worth a look.

I totally identify with this, and I only have one DS, so have nothing compared to some of you heroes.

Sometimes I fantasise about my life before my beautiful son. I feel so bloody guilty about it, but I miss my stability, my identity, my time, my relationship. Me and my DH are at loggerheads at the moment and seem to fly very very close to splitting up a lot. We've both changed, and not for the better. We just don't have the patience and tolerance for each other anymore. I doubt we will see out the year.

I have enough free time, my son is a doddle really, and money isn't too stressful. It's just me, I've completely lost myself. I've gained tonnes of weight, which my DH hates and moans about, he's borderline emotional abusive and utterly anal about nearly everything in the house and I don't run the ship to his liking. To be fair, I'm nothing like I was before we had my DS, but neither is he

The mental load is HIGH. Even when you're not actively mothering, or doing the million and one things that mothering involves, you still think about the next task, the next meal, the next nursery run, the next illness. It's so so consuming.

And now the baby is refusing to nap...so I have lost the little bit of me time that I usually cling onto in the day that keeps me sane!

I think it has mostly to do with the support network of family and friends around you. I have neither so life with children feels like drudgery although many looking at my life would not think so.

Yes, this exactly. There is no-one in real life to whom I feel I can have a really good moan/or who can identify with what I am saying (apart from dh, though he is out at work all day) and it makes me feel even more alienated from the rest of the parenting population.

Yanbu...family life is overrated but i am a miserable bugger who is happiest alone with mybown music on etc.
I love dd and dp but i love my own company just as much ( maybe more!).

@ifoundthebread MN can be really hit and miss depending on when you post. I'm sorry you're feeling so down, I know what you mean about the feeling you need to get back ASAP. Feels like there's a rubber band around you tugging at you at all times whilst you're away from home. Looking at friends and family who have older children it will get easier, less guilt and more me time (fingers crossed)

I have to go away a few days every month for work. Work put me up in a hotel - not a fancy one - and those few evenings of coming back to an empty / clean hotel room where I can lie starfish across the bed and no-one asks anything of me are a life saviour. Honestly, it totally resets me for the month, and I’m sure I’m a better mother/wife because of it.
Obviously, not everyone will be able to do that and I recognize that I’m very privileged, but I honestly think that everyone needs to carve out some «me time» every once in a while, where you just look after yourself and no-one else, and crucially don’t feel guilty about it.
What’s that saying about tending to your own life mask first?

@Sproutsandall that sounds absolutely wonderful. Don't ever leave that job!

My DH is quite unsupportive when it comes to time to myself. He's selfish with sleep and poo poos the idea of me getting any time to myself. I find this tricky. I know why - his Mum is a martyr and panders to my FIL and her children (hovers over them when they are eating, doesn't have her own music/hobby tastes, very deferential etc). Aarrgghh! I've tried to talk to him but he doesn't understand.

Any new eating plan, going to bed early, new exercise class, suggestions of how I can get more sleep - are met with derision. Arsehole.

Sprout, I had 5 days away on business last year. Oh my hod the adrenaline! I was on an utter high. I LOVED the work, everyone else was flagging by day 3 but I was like on speed right to the last hour. I was just so happy to be free and not poked (mentally/physically) at by multiple small children every 10 mins that my brain could focus and absorb huge amounts. I was so excited to see the kids again as I missed them but it was such a great trip. Better than a holiday😂

I think I get easily overwhelmed and tired from being the enabler - prompting pre teen, dealing with demands of baby plus a child in the middle who has up until this point produced a lot of challenging behaviour. Sometimes however, I feel proud of the dcs and think that I am a good mum but usually, it is just this feeling of being weighed down with responsibility and I can't help but picture myself alone, cleaning up my own mess, preparing my own food etc etc, although in reality I know I wouldn't be without them. I get this sense that it is all about the dcs now, whereby me and dh don't have fun anymore and all we are is tired and fulfilling roles (which aren't really very fulfilling). I can't say I'm enjoying very much of it at all at the moment and hoping things will get better. Chances are, I would be doing an unfulfilling job, if I wasn't doing this though, I suppose I am not completely sure what it is that makes me tick so I have started compiling a list of the things that I like (with the aim to incorporate more of them into my life).

Yep, same.

Have two DC and am single mom. I honestly thought about starting this thread several times, so thank you.

I seem to have phases where I am upbeat and accept life.

Then out of nowhere I am sick to death of it. All the responsibility, the jobs piling up, the mess, the cheek, the cheek being my fault for lack of discipline, worried discipline too harsh blah blah blah.

I want to wail at the moon, when is someone else coming? When is my shift over? Gahhhh

(Not helped by ex living a lovely single life, looking only after himself and popping by to see kids if and when he feels like it).

Yesterday at work I just wanted to put my head on the desk.

I don't know what the answer is. I live by putting one foot in front of the other and that's it.

I get these feelings too. I just want to shake off my life and go and be free. I am heading for 40 and think I may be habibg a bit if a midlife crisis.

I'm about to start IVF after trying for over 3 years and this thread is really helpful. It's like everyone else had a microwave and very occasionally you get to use someone elses, but overall you have to heat everything up on the hob.
I know logically that a child won't be the absolute perfect thing I've made it into my head to be over the years. Apparently PND is high in people who have struggled to conceive because of the high expectations...so thank you guys for lowering them

I so so agree with all of you. I am currently hiding from three children including one preteen,.one 4 year old and a one year old. I hate the noise and the mess, lack of money yet I love love the kids. I want a housework fairy, I can't seem to get it done.....

I also hate the way I look so messy. I just want a hot bath or shower but I am always always last in the queue