To think this is a bonkers opinion about childbirth

[Reallyreallyreally1]

So I had a baby boy 5 months ago and recently met up with some friends whose children are older. Haven’t seen them since the baby.

I generally don’t talk about the birth because no one really wants to know about someone else’s experience, but they did ask so I briefly told them (induction, back to back labour til fully dilated, pushing with episiotomy and forceps, emcs)

One of them said ‘so you’ve come away from that thinking that you know what it’s like to have a baby’. Wtf does that even mean? I said ‘I don’t get what you mean by that!’

She said ‘you’ve not given birth properly, you’ve not been in transition, you’ve only done the easy bit. So many women think they’ve given birth but they have no idea’.

I wasn’t sure what to say so we just changed the subject but it’s left a nasty taste in my mouth. Maybe she’s right and I’ve only had the easy bit (in which case I would hate to see the next bit!!) but surely no one really thinks like this about labour?
My other friend didn’t agree but didn’t necessarily disagree; she said that a section is the easy option but if your body can’t give birth properly then it’s not your fault

I’m not sure why I’m posting except to say- Aibu that this is not how normal people view childbirth?

Disgusting and bullying behaviour.

Even if the little one literally dropped out of you and magically turned into a super easy chill child who never screamed, how dare your "friend" imply your experience of childbirth is somehow lesser than other people's.

It may well have hurt less, been less scary and helped with faster recovering

BUT for her or benchmark what constitutes a "real" birth is total vitriol.

Personally I'd call her out on it and how hurt it made you then leave her well alone.

OTOH I know some people don't like confrontation, if a shyer friend explained the situation and asked me to have a (calm and diplomatic) chat then i would be happy to.

It's not your responsibility how this friend acts but if it were me I'd like to think I've at least made her think twice if she's on same situation again.

Having said that she seems comfortably in her role of elevenerife master and victim so she may not take notic

God just re read "not given birth properly".

Christ almighty that made my tummy flip for you.

My mum never gave birth as we are both adopted. So she didn't "give birth properly" but she's the best mum ever.

In short, mutually supporting women at an already difficult time is something it's nonsensical other than to be said out of spite and self validation - for what I don't know?!

Fuck it, id walk away because I think she's shown her true colours at a time you're vulnerable.

In short - she's a dick OP, fuck her off and enjoy the new life you brought into the world because you're a strong and powerful person. Enjoy little one x

She's a fucking asshole.

She sounds like a plonker. Ignore.

She's an idiot, stop spending time with her.

It irritates me no end when women play this game. Most of us don't do this, thank goodness. If you were pregnant and you now have a baby, then you had a baby. Who cares how "easy" it was, or what procedures you had to have, or if it was a c-sec or whatever. You had your baby. End of story. Any hairsplitting is just plain bitchiness for the sake of it.

I don’t understand why people are like this. You successfully gave life to a child, doesn’t matter how they get here!
People get prissy with me when they ask and it comes out that I didn’t have drugs etc, they get very defensive about it. Even after I have explained that I can’t do drugs otherwise my children would have been born to a delirious mother incapable of anything with a high chance of delivery into pool of vomit. Who cares! Mum and baby are safe

I would never speak to that woman again, and I would tell people why, verbatim.

What planet does your so called friend live on.

Of course you know what it feels like to have a baby you were in established labour.
For me the pushing part was the easiest as contractions stop to the pushing which only hurts when they start to crown but but the labour contractions, back to back labour was horrific. You still went through it all just had to have an emcs. Not only that you have had a c section, epistomy and had to recover from that and be in pain for weeks as well as look after your baby.

She needs to give her head a wobble. I don't think I could of let her say that and not say anything back to put her straight.

Omg Parthenope what an awful thing to say, just awful. I can't believe you had to hear someone say that to your face. I can't believe they would think it's ok to say that out loud at a dinner party!! I'm just imagining myself in the same situation having to sit there seething so as not to cause a scene - I had the same birth as the OP with DS1 ending in an emcs when they lost his heartbeat and I think I would have burst into tears. What a complete cow to have said that to you. I'm so sorry

You need new friends.

FWIW I thought pushing was a doddle compared to contractions!

She's probably miserable that you're still as tight as before. Tell her to fuck off.

Wow she is not a friend. You gave birth, that is giving birth no matter how it happened. My first birth sounds very similar to yours and was bloody hard work. My second was so fast and easy he pretty much delivered himself. The idea that that was a real birth and my first wasn’t is preposterous. It felt so easy it didn’t feel like I’d actually given birth to be honest!

I’m in agreement, she is vile, you are a hero. I had a relatively ‘easy’ birth, DD was born 2 1/2 hours after induction (pessary). I did it on paracetamol, dihydrocodeine and a TENS machine - not because I wanted a drug free birth but because the midwives didn’t realise how quickly I’d progressed until I said I was ready to push! DD was back to back and while I have no comparison of what is like to labour when a baby is facing forwards I can tell you it was agony!

The key priority was getting your baby out safely - you could hardly say no to the c-section! I’m glad you were both okay but I can only imagine how sore you were after doing the majority of the ‘labour’ and the having EMCS. I see you wonder if you could do it again - FWIW my sister had an EMCS and then an elective with her second, she said the difference was amazing, so calm the second time. Recovery still wasn’t a picnic but she was loads better.

I would send your ‘friend’ a link to this thread and then say, ‘I’ve been thinking it over and actually you’re no friend of mine’. Delete and block. Life is too short to spend time with people like this.

Yes I think transition is the last bit where contractions get really strong and you progress to fully dilated BEFORE starting to push. I think technically the friend is thinking about the second stage of pushing the baby out - from hazy memory the bit up to that stage was far worse than the actual getting them through the keyhole/out the skylight, which by then could involve any number of drugs, equipment, extra hands!! And emcs is not the easy option in the 6 weeks after birth that's for sure.

This kind of one upmanship exists all through parenting though
Real nappies vs disposables
1 vs 2 children
Childcare vs stay at home
Anyone who likes to be a victim

Have another tea and bourbon and feel glad for your own achievements :)

Oh whatever , of course you gave birth. She sounds like she had a difficult time and doesn't want you to get all the sympathy (not that you want or need it). Pay no attention it's all difficult. My c section was wonderful though 😉 easy peasy walk in the park ...until the spinal wore off. There is no easy way out of giving birth, even if you give birth out of your mouth 🤣

What a ridiculous thing to say! So sorry you were met with that response, and hope you’re healing from what sounds a very difficult birth.

OP I've pushed a baby out the 'proper way' and also had a traumatic experience similar to what you had.

I assure you (and I'm sure you know by now) you did not take the easy route.

I don't think getting a baby out is ever easy anyway. What an acidic thing to say.

Absolute nonsense! The pushing and getting the baby out was hard work but strangely the easiest bit. The last hour of contractions leading up to the birth were the most intense, painful and exhausting for me. I also reckon I would have had an easier time recovering than someone who had a caesarean.
Your friend is just acting all superior and isn't being very nice at all. She should realise that every birth is a bit different.

I'd avoid a c section all I could. It is not an easy option.

I had back labour and the easiest part by far was the pushing out part 😫

This person will become the bane of your life for the next few years, cut ties now for your own sanity!

Nasty ‘friend’. Your birth sounds very difficult. I would rather have gone through my accidentally drug free vaginal birth than what you went through. I was able to get up the next day and other than the usual bartering your nether regions take from a natural birth I was absolutely fine. Cannot imagine going through what you went through. Your friend doesn’t have a clue.
In fact it’s a really strange way of looking at it. You gave birth regardless?!

Battering not bartering lol

To echo everyone else, they aren't your friends.

Dc1's arrival sounds very like your experience only I managed to miss the episiotomy (instead I got some rather inappropriate comments about my stretchiness to go with the ones I'd already had about my lack of stretch marks) and if that's easy...

One of the midwives who came out to the house sat down on the sofa and said something along the lines of "you poor thing, you basically gave birth twice". I suspect that's probably a more accurate description.

For a couple of reasons I don't think I gave birth to either dc1 or dc2 (also an emcs but a much better experience), however that's my personal and I fully admit screwed up opinion. I would never voice it to my friends about my own experience or imply it in any way about their own and if anyone said that to someone in my hearing, they would get a mouthful.

Oh I don’t agree OP, I love hearing a birth story!
Contractions are beyond hell on Earth, I found pushing very easy in comparison! Sounds like you went through the ringer your poor thing!

I had both of mine by c-section. 1st because he was prem and he wouldn't have survived a natural birth and they couldn't wait for an induction to start working, 2nd because they didn't want to risk the same. I've never been in labour for either. Some of my "friends" told me I'd had it easy and asked was I sad that I didn't have the opportunity to experience the birth of either of my children (complete with head tilt).
Getting my baby out alive was the most important thing to me - not the method used to get them out.
They are no longer my friends.

Your friend is a twat. And it sounds like you went through the whole lot - hope you're ok.