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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is a bonkers opinion about childbirth

343 replies

Reallyreallyreally1 · 12/02/2019 08:05

So I had a baby boy 5 months ago and recently met up with some friends whose children are older. Haven’t seen them since the baby.

I generally don’t talk about the birth because no one really wants to know about someone else’s experience, but they did ask so I briefly told them (induction, back to back labour til fully dilated, pushing with episiotomy and forceps, emcs)

One of them said ‘so you’ve come away from that thinking that you know what it’s like to have a baby’. Wtf does that even mean? I said ‘I don’t get what you mean by that!’

She said ‘you’ve not given birth properly, you’ve not been in transition, you’ve only done the easy bit. So many women think they’ve given birth but they have no idea’.

I wasn’t sure what to say so we just changed the subject but it’s left a nasty taste in my mouth. Maybe she’s right and I’ve only had the easy bit (in which case I would hate to see the next bit!!) but surely no one really thinks like this about labour?
My other friend didn’t agree but didn’t necessarily disagree; she said that a section is the easy option but if your body can’t give birth properly then it’s not your fault Grin

I’m not sure why I’m posting except to say- Aibu that this is not how normal people view childbirth?

OP posts:
onemorego2019 · 12/02/2019 20:29

I've given birth 3 times so yes I've had transition 3 times. I find it horrendous and I panic, I can visualise running away from the room but I am frozen with fear...

Now from the birth you describe I'm pretty much guessing you felt that way too! If not worse. You have definitely not had an easy time.

Congratulations on your baby

Ditch the 'friend' she's awful!

MrsJane · 12/02/2019 20:30

Er, she's batshit! And rude! And ignorant!

I think I'd take a straightforward vaginal birth over what you had to go through any day!

JustHereForThePooStories · 12/02/2019 20:38

you’ve not given birth properly

So, by her reasoning, your 5 month old hasn’t actually been born?

SilverDoe · 12/02/2019 20:42

Sorry if the conversation has moved on but this kind of birth is genuinely baffling to me.

I had no idea before seeing a few threads on mumsnet that it was even possible to draw any kind of competition or one upmanship around giving birth - the notion is insane to me. Pregnancy and motherhood are the bits you have control and choices over and are the bits of substance - who the hell cares if you had a c section or vagjnal birth?!! Apart from to offer condolences if it was difficult! My god.

EncroachingLoaf · 12/02/2019 20:42

Op she sounds horrible... I would distance myself.

I had a very similar birth experience to you with my first. It was extremely traumatic. If someone said similar to me back then I would have probably said nothing but gone home and cried. Since having my second (planned cs) I would probably lose my shit with them Grin

She doesn't sound like a friend at all, she sounds like one of those unpleasant smug arseholes who put others down to make themselves feel/look better.

No fucker cares how you gave birth once you're out of the newborn/baby fog anyway.

EncroachingLoaf · 12/02/2019 20:51

Although I've just re-read and you say their kids are older. How much older?

Is she one of those special kind of twats who's still harping on about how much better she is at giving birth than everyone else years later?

Because you don't need one of them in your life.

Anon10 · 12/02/2019 20:59

She sounds awful. I’ve had both a vaginal delivery and a section. Neither were easy. Why anyone thinks abdominal surgery is the easy option is beyond me. It really really isn’t. And she sounds hideous. Competitive, opinionated and insecure?

Tunnocks34 · 12/02/2019 21:02

She sounds awful.

I had two normal deliveries and the worst part of both were the the contractions. The pushing part for me was miles easier.

What a nasty woman, you did give birth OP. A c section is giving birth and don’t let that cow take that away from you!

McNeat · 12/02/2019 21:07

She's talking crap. I've had 2 VBs and I'd rather push for 12h then contractions!

seven201 · 12/02/2019 21:09

What twats they are. I had a planned c-section and have no regrets. I've got one friend in particular who comments about c-sections being easier. I really don't think people should compare any birth. She couldn't sit down comfortably for a few days, I couldn't easily pick my dd up for a few days etc. Very few births are 'easy' and it doesn't matter how the baby comes out! If I have another dc I'd like a vaginal birth but if that doesn't pan out then I won't feel any less of a woman for having another c-section. A baby is still a baby however it is delivered. And you've looked after that baby well for 9 months!

BrusselPout · 12/02/2019 21:23

The baby came from inside you to the outside world. However it happened you gave birth, and you did an amazing job - fuck the bitch that implied otherwise

Mammyofasuperbaby · 12/02/2019 21:45

The sun has now got this thread plastered all over fb.
Op, I've had a emcs and was told that I never gave birth as I was never in labour but I always say that it doesn't matter how the baby gets out as long as its safe for both mother and baby. You are a mother and that's all that matters

Ribbonsonabox · 12/02/2019 21:51

What?!?!
I've given birth twice.
The first time I was induced and had an epidural from the moment the drip was put in, episiotomy etc

Second time I had no pain relief but gas and air. I felt it all, transition, crowning, I felt it all.

The first birth was incredibly traumatic, I suffered ppp, pnd and PTSD because of it.

I'd take the second birth with no pain relief over the first any day. It was a walk in the park compared to the first with the epidural.

Shes not a friend, what a fucking ignorant and horrible thing to say.

yourfeetstink · 12/02/2019 22:56

Not rtft, but your 'friend' is a wanker.
You grow a human and got it out of you safely... you gave birth! 🙌

JazzyBBG · 12/02/2019 22:57

Silly bint. I've got a friend who is obsessed with vaginal births, I told her I have no idea why as they are bloody vile in my experience but she totally romanticised hers.

JazzyBBG · 12/02/2019 22:58

Posted too soon - next she'll be obsessed with her breastfeeding/ co-sleeping / sleeping through the night/ attachment parenting/baby led weaning/ first to walk... watch this space...

SmarmyMrMime · 12/02/2019 23:36

OP, sounds similar to my first birth. EMCS, plus stitches underneath from fruitlessly pushing a big, back to back, knobbly headed baby for 2 hours. Plus the "pain relief" had worn off so I felt the full effect of feeling like I was on fire from my ribs to my knees. The spinal block was bliss, the first time I'd been pain free in months (SPD).

Second time was better in that it was quicker. Back to back again. Pushing again. Stuck again, but he made it to the point of no return and was forceps under spinal block after the surgeon decided that he'd just about made it to the point of no return. I was sitting on frozen sweetcorn for a month afterwards. So what if I've missed out on the feeling of my undercarriage tearing apart, I can imagine it from the aftermath and I haven't been on a mission to have child #3 so I can tick it off the bucket list.

Every birth is different and has a different impact on people. My second one was great and mentally healing after the first! Slow labour is obviously exhausting and on no one's wish list. My second taught me that fast can also be intense and I can understand how people with rapid, surprise births can be traumatic.

Ultimately, you want both the mother and baby to be as well as possible (physically and mentally) Having another human emerge from your body is birth. There isn't a doing it properly and I wish I hadn't felt let down by my body between births 1 and 2, because really it doesn't matter (although feelings about it are real and shouldn't be dismissed even if that does sound contradictory).

HolesinTheSoles · 12/02/2019 23:37

She sounds like a real moron to me. If you got your baby out of you and you're both healthy it was a massive success. Anyone who would prefer to go back to huge maternal and fetal mortality rates so people can experience real labour is a dim witted cretin.

MilkybarsROnMe · 12/02/2019 23:51

I had back to back labour and ended up with my baby stuck face up, having the drip to get contractions back etc, I was about to go for a forceps delivery and if that failed section. I was v lucky a lovely doctor managed to ease my babies head out from where she was stuck and she flew out. I felt like I'd had a lucky escape. The easiest part of the 24 hour ordeal was the baby eventually coming out, I didn't even feel it.

You literally had the worst possible situation having failed forceps and a section, you poor thing. I have no idea what this woman commenting meant, it's a bizarre thing to say. I hope you've recovered from it all ok and haven't been left with any lasting physical or psychological damage.

GoShittyItsYourBday · 12/02/2019 23:55

She said ‘you’ve not given birth properly, you’ve not been in transition, you’ve only done the easy bit. So many women think they’ve given birth but they have no idea’.

OP i think what shes saying is;

  1. Your 5 month old is still hanging about in your womb...cuz u havent given birth
  2. You haven't transitioned....so basically you need to get some hormone pills and then maybe see if you can book yourself a sex change op?

Shes massive twat.

CustardCreamLover · 13/02/2019 11:16

If a friend said this to me is smack her. I'm struggling to get my head around my EMCS as giving birth so for someone to say that to another lady makes me so angry. Women really suck sometimes.

adiposegirl2 · 13/02/2019 11:38

I very rarely swear...
She's a first class b*h isn't she?
What a sanctimoniously disgusting thing to say. Have nothing more to do with her.

anniehm · 13/02/2019 11:54

Weird comment, my fully natural delivery was a walk in the park compared to that!

MummBraTheEverLeaking · 13/02/2019 14:39

You seem to run the risk of your experiences being shared in the crap rags these days (Sun, Mail etc), but you know what? Good. A report about someone spouting birth bollocks and a parenting forum calling them out on said bollocks.

A mum might be reading that feeling bad about her birth, that maybe she's not done it properly, and she can see that's not the opinion of other women (except the idiot in the OPs case Grin) and the support and the stories.