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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DS had no choice to punch him

105 replies

carrywatermelons · 11/02/2019 21:48

DS8 is a very gentle and peaceful child. He is never in trouble at school and rarely at home.
Dh collected him from school to be told there was an incident and DS lost his break.
Turns out 2 boys - one being the biggest in the school - were trapping DS in the playground and then in a shed in a alley next to the playground. Both blocked one exit each, The bigger one threatened to punch him. DS tried to push his way out where the smaller boy was - DS was very scared - but it didn't work so panicked and he punched the smaller boy (not hard).
DS got a red card and sent to the school office to do work - which is basically isolation - and neither of the other 2 even got told off. DS came home in floods of tears, being trapped and threatened has really shook him up.
Tried to call the school but received an email back saying how they were glad DS showed remorse and to talk to him about positive behaviour choices.

OP posts:
blueluce85 · 12/02/2019 19:36

Why was the smaller boy calling your DS names? What led to that? There is usually something behind this. Has he ever had issues before, particularly with these boys?

This makes it sound like you are trying to blame ops boy!

I was once started on in a town by complete strangers who were just put for a fight, unfortunately there are people in the world who feed off of this and are sickos.... Doesn't sound like those two boys are starting off life on a great foot to me.

Your poor little boy OP i feel awful that he is being treated like that. I think a single punishment is fair, but then the other two boys should have got more!

eggsandwich · 12/02/2019 19:37

Seeing as one of the boys threatened to punch him I’d say maybe they won’t see him as a pushover next time and they will probably move onto intimidating someone else.

While I don’t condone violence unfortunately there are times when needs must to protect yourself and I would say this was one of those occasions.

Where were the lunchtime staff while this was happening ? I bet they only became aware when the boy that got punched started crying and playing the victim.

StopMakingAFoolOutofMe · 12/02/2019 19:41

Wow. For the same incident? I really wouldn't be happy with this.

Coffeeisnecessary · 12/02/2019 19:51

This is awful, your poor ds. I think you should take this further somehow, perhaps reporting a safeguarding concern to ofsted as they clearly don't understand bullying. I have a son the same age and its made me feel sick to think of him in this situation.

Wolfiefan · 12/02/2019 19:56

Poor kid. So you told them he was being bullied and they punished him a second time? For what exactly?

trickyex · 12/02/2019 20:06

This is really bad, I feel very sorry for your poor DS.
I think channelling your mother bear mode and pursuing this with the school is important.
He is being bullied and needs to know you have his back. Dont let it lie, see the head, be quietly but firmly persistant.
Ask why they arent addressing the bullying and ask for a further meeting to discuss what they are doing and that you will take it to Ofted if no action taken.

Lizzie48 · 12/02/2019 20:07

This is sadly how bullying often plays out, that the victim is the one who ends up appearing to be in the wrong. I was bullied all through school as a child, but I was never physically hurt. I used to get provoked by the other girls (it was a private convent school) and I would be the one who lashed out and then I would be the one who ended up in trouble.

I'm sorry your DS has been treated so unfairly, OP, in being punished twice whilst the smaller boy got off Scott free. Unfortunately, that's very soul destroying for a child, and gives them the idea that there's no escape from the bullying. Thanks

OnlyaMan · 12/02/2019 20:11

Schools and teachers cannot be expected to supervise every minute of every day of every pupil. If it seemed to the school that the OP's son acted unreasonably, then that is because Schools do not like fighting, and cannot minutely analyse everything that their pupils do.
If he (and you) believe he was in the right....then tell him so, and explain that "The Authorities" are not always right. Life is like that.
Teach him how to punch harder next time, and it will probably never happen again.

Pissedoffdotcom · 12/02/2019 20:12

Take it higher. Do not let this slide because it is sending a shocking message to your son - especially being punished twice. I'd be kicking off tomorrow

notquiteruralbliss · 12/02/2019 20:16

I would be super angry with the school. When I was in y7 I got cornered in a similar way (I was small, nerdy with glasses and an obvious target) and fought my way out, with the ringleader needing to go to A&E. I didn’t get into trouble and I didn’t get bullied again.

Gruzinkerbell1 · 12/02/2019 20:19

So little Iago, the instigator of it all, skipped off scot free? I'm speechless. Great life lesson for the little shit.

Your poor son, OP. I'd be furious.

Pinkyyy · 12/02/2019 20:26

I'd be back in the school in the morning. I am shocked at the fact that he was punished a second time. Don't let this drop OP, sometimes it's actually very necessary to be that parent

rosablue · 12/02/2019 20:27

That's awful. I hope that your ds wasn't kept in at break time with the big bully anywhere near him...

I would report it all as a massive safeguarding risk to your ds and call them out on their failure in their duty of care to your son. At least that way it will end up in their official figures whereas they can effectively ignore it if they dismiss it as boys fighting amongst themselves and ignore the bullying aspect or the being trapped and threatened aspect.

I would also ask them to detail, in writing, what exactly your son should do when trapped and being threatened by two individuals, one of whom is significantly bigger than he is, when staff members can't see or hear them, when adrenalin is racing as a result of the threats (both then and previous bullying) and when talking and asking and pleading with the bullies doesn't work, just results in more threats... Oh and actively trying to leave was stopped by one of the boys (how exactly - anything that can be used to show that while there wasn't a punch, there was other physical stuff going on?)

ShawshanksRedemption · 12/02/2019 20:38

This makes it sound like you are trying to blame ops boy!

Not at all @blueluce85, working in a school and dealing with behaviour daily I would want to get a full picture of what led to this incident in the first place. It may be that there was nothing whatsoever, but a full investigation is just that, asking all the right questions to establish exactly what happened.

Belenus · 12/02/2019 20:39

So, what was DS supposed to do? He was trapped, threatened and scared. And no teachers responded.

Punch the little shits. Hard. Honestly, I spent years being bullied and being told by my very well-meaning parents to ignore the bullies, or talk my way out of it, or get help. Fuck that. It doesn't work. I know it sounds dreadful, and it is. No-one should be put in that situation. But if you are in that situation, hit them then run. The bullying lessened markedly once kids realised that is what I would do to them.

TheInvestigator · 12/02/2019 20:50

I'm furious for you. Go in tomorrow morning and ask them for the complaints procedure and governors contact details (I know you can find those things on your own but you want them to know you're taking it further). I'd be livid at what they've done.

ShawshanksRedemption · 12/02/2019 20:51

@carrywatermelons - I think you need to access the formal complaint procedure - it should be on your school's website.

FiveRedBricks · 12/02/2019 20:57

Erm no @SilverDoe that is the exact situation where it is entirely OK for an 8yr old to punch. He was being held against his will and threatened and intimidated. Punching in that situation IS self defence. He's 8 not 11!! He couldn't have reasoned his way out of it. They needed a smack by another kid by the sounds of it.

Kahlua4me · 12/02/2019 21:38

I would email them back and say you are not happy with the way the situation was dealt with and would like a meeting with the teachers to discuss it further. If anything they should have got all the boys in together and talked about the behaviour of all of them.

The same scenario happened to my ds when he was in Year 2. Some year 6 boys trapped him behind the play shed in the playground threatening to punch him. He was terrified but luckily my friends DS, year 5, saw them and chased them off. DS told me at pick up time so I went straight round to see the head. As I started the story she knew exactly who it was and saw them with their parents the next morning so it was dealt with straight away and not a problem since.

Explain to your DS though that you are proud of him for standing up for himself and that in situations where he is trapped that is just the right action to take, but hitting usually isn’t right.

Original poster
carrywatermelons · 14/02/2019 19:34

Had a meeting with the executive principal today. Some other failings at school with this being the latest event really. He said he wouldn't apologise as he wasn't there. I replied that he could in principle apologise and he agreed he could but wasn't going to.
There has been no acknowledgement that this was even distressing for DS by anyone. He refused to say what DS should have done.
So we've decided to move DS school.
They had a disco on today after school so I took him to say goodbye and DS was so upset to be leaving his friends. I cried a bit myself to be honest, I feel so bad that DS is hurting so badly.

OP posts:
Binglebong · 14/02/2019 19:45

I'm sorry for the pain but I think you are doing the right thing. Has DS got a way to keep in contact with his friends? You could still do play dates etc.

EarringsandLipstick · 14/02/2019 19:55

Oh OP I'm so sorry but I think you are making the right decision. I feel really sorry for you & DS, it's such poor form of the school. Hope you'll be ok💐

watsmyname · 14/02/2019 20:41

The way to deal with this imo is to assure the school you will encourage your son not to strike out as requested. Ideally he wouldn't but some situations leave children feeling they have little option. Leave it at that.

Explain the context and ask that the school deals with the behaviour prior to the incident according to the behaviour policy and that staff monitor any interactions between them and your son as you would be concerned regarding bullying. Most school's policy means as soon as bullying is mentioned procedures must be followed. You won't be informed of any sanctions as that is between the school and the other individual's parents.

Then you ask the school to outline supervision provision and for explanation as to how it got to the point were your son was so isolated that he didn't not get help when necessary. Had an injury occurred clearly no staff member was on hand to deal with it. This is unacceptable.

ChasedByBees · 14/02/2019 20:55

I’m sorry it’s ended like this OP but for what it’s worth, I think you’re doing the right thing. You can continue to foster relationships with his friends. Is he in primary? He may be reunited with them at his next school.

Upturnedlego · 15/02/2019 10:03

Sorry to hear this. What an awful way the school dealt with it. I'd want to escalate it and hold school to account in some way. Your poor DS. I think he and you behaved 100% appropriately. Hopefully the next school will have a better approach to bullying and your son will be happy there. Disgusting.