DS had no choice to punch him

[carrywatermelons]

DS8 is a very gentle and peaceful child. He is never in trouble at school and rarely at home.
Dh collected him from school to be told there was an incident and DS lost his break.
Turns out 2 boys - one being the biggest in the school - were trapping DS in the playground and then in a shed in a alley next to the playground. Both blocked one exit each, The bigger one threatened to punch him. DS tried to push his way out where the smaller boy was - DS was very scared - but it didn't work so panicked and he punched the smaller boy (not hard).
DS got a red card and sent to the school office to do work - which is basically isolation - and neither of the other 2 even got told off. DS came home in floods of tears, being trapped and threatened has really shook him up.
Tried to call the school but received an email back saying how they were glad DS showed remorse and to talk to him about positive behaviour choices.

I don’t understand why we expect our children not to defend themselves just because they are in school. If an adult was trapped in an alley, being threatened by 2 other people, they would most probably lash out in an attempt to get away. Why do we expect kids to just stand there and be hit?

Kid stands up to bullies and gets punished. Similar happened to mine (no hitting just verbal reply).
I'd be talking to the school about this.

What else exactly was he supposed to do? Stand there and get punched? He was trapped and had no choice, I don’t condone violence especially at school eg punching someone because they called you a name..but this is completely different!

Other options open to him would include things like waiting to see whether they would actually hit him or just return to class when the time came, running at the little one waving his arms and screaming in an intimidating manner, threatening them with tattling, reasoning with them-if they hit him teacher would find out, if they let him go that would be the end of it, screaming for help. This was by no means his only option. I wouldn’t say it was unreasonable to do as he did but he clearly miscalculated the result (perhaps understandably he may have expected the others to keep their mouths shut out of fear of being reprimanded themselves). Regardless he cannot expect to hit someone preemptively without consequences. He’s learned this lesson and will perhaps try a different method next time if he may just come to accept that sometimes one must accept the risk of bad consequences when acting preemptively.

Well I would phone this school and arrange to see someone. I think your son did the right thing as he was being bullied.

Other options open to him would include things like waiting to see whether they would actually hit him or just return to class when the time came,

yeah, we’ll all just hang around in this alley til the bell rings, you’re in no danger, we just want to keep you here.

He was terrified 8 year old FFs!

Waiting to see if they actually hit him?
Yep, that’s just how scared people react in threatening situations.

The smaller boy walked up to DS and started calling him names, he then got the bigger boy involved and told him to punch DS. That's how it started.

How the teacher found out was that the smaller boy told a teacher DS had punched him omitting any other details of course.

Maybe next time he should let them hit him & then politely request they don’t do it again?

So they don’t know the other kids did anything wrong? Of course they’re not punishing them then.
Contact the school and ensure they know the full story.

Racecardriver, this kind of behaviour will just encourage bullies to take it further, I'm afraid.

This really pisses me off. I'd be having serious words with the school. Your ds was being bullied and had every right to defend himself.

I really do not understand where teaching children that it's wrong to physically defend themselves has come from. As if adults don't! It's something to be learned. School shouldn't be any different from outside school.

Why was the smaller boy calling your DS names? What led to that? There is usually something behind this. Has he ever had issues before, particularly with these boys?

What did your DS tell the teacher? I'm sure he would've been asked for his version of events.

But honestly @carrywatermelons please ask for an appt with your DS's class teacher to discuss as something is not adding up. I'm a bit concerned you say they've told you what happened with the other boys with regards punishment as that is not acceptable, and I'm assuming this was via email so I would definitely question it.

You need to find out what the school think happened. Once you have heard from them, you can go from there.

I’d be furious - I’m furious on your son’s behalf. Ignore the igiotic posters saying “oooh shouldn’t have pulled the first punch” - utter nonsense - your son was the victim of nasty bullies and good for him for standing up for himself. I’ve been the victim of bullies repeatedly - but being able to recognise that he is in the right and take action to avoid being punished for that is a good thing,

I would just tell your DS he's not in trouble with you, and you feel he did the right thing. You could say the school can't condone violence, but in your opinion they should also have sanctioned the other boys, and that even schools get it wrong sometimes.

I'd be furious as well and requesting a meeting with the school.

Yes he punched them however from what your son is saying, I think an awful lot of people would react like that.

As an adult, if you're cornered in an alley, you wouldn't wait for them to hit you first, you'd fight your way out. They were threatening him, one of the boys was telling the other to punch him, of course he was going to react.

We've only got your sons version however he sounds absolutely terrified so there's got to be some merit to this story.

DGS11 has never hit anyone despite us telling him 'if someone pushes/hits/punches you HIT THEM BACK'. But I think if he was scared enough he would.
As a PP said tell him you're not cross with him and sometimes teachers/referees/dinner ladies get it wrong and sometimes we just have to put up with it. It's tough and I know I'd be just as furious as you.

Winding people up for a reaction like this is the oldest tactic in the bully boy handbook, and they just seem to get away with it nearly every time.

The school said the others weren’t told off? We never discuss sanctions issued to other children with parents. Very odd.

Ok, what happened has happened. What happens next is important. You only have your DS’s version of events and you need to approach school in a calm, pragmatic way. School need to investigate this incident; your DS says he was held against his will and was threatened. This is a big Safeguarding issue.

That’s your angle: ask to discuss school’s Safeguarding policy and what measures are employed to protect the children in their care?
Say you accept that a violent response isn’t acceptable (even if you think it was) and that you have spoken to your DS about this but that you are not satisfied that he is safe within school.

Sometimes it’s very difficult to establish who started it etc etc but this really needs to be investigated.

Winding people up for a reaction like this is the oldest tactic in the bully boy handbook, and they just seem to get away with it nearly every time.

They love it because they get to play the victim and go telling tales. My son was bullied in exactly this way for over a year and I knew as soon as the phone rang what names I was going to hear and what incident had happened. Same two boys every time, same method, same outcome- my DS lashed out and gets in trouble and the little shits that caused it smirking at me across the playground when I come to pick him up.

My PFB was bullied for years by one particular child. He still has little black dots "tattooed" on his neck where he was poked repeatedly with a pencil.
Eventually he snapped, punched the bully, and (lord knows how) put him on his arse.
He never bothered PFB again...
The school wanted to exclude PFB but by that point, I didn't care. I just wanted the little fucker to leave my son alone.

I'm probably in the minority but I always taught my son never start a fight but make sure you finish it - as in never hit first but make sure you bloody well hit hard back - I appreciate your son wasn't punched first but those two boys were threatening and he was scared - absolutely ok to punch to get away.

He's a 25 year old PCO now who won an award for best trainee in conflict and restraint - there were huge man mountains of trainees on his course but he got awarded top because of his skills not brute force.

He's also never been bullied and I've found that those who do 'hit back' don't tend to get bullied.

So yes, I'd drum into him again to hit back (and provocation from two bullies keeping him against his will is a reason)

Sorry - he's should read son is 25 year old PCO

I'd reply to the school e-mail;

To whom it may concern,

I will not be having any such conversations with my child only praise for his restraint in not continuing to punch his aggressor after escaping.

I will be enrolling him in self defence classes so that any other child attempt to hurt or trap my child will be met with a gentle persuation not to do it again.

Must dash, I am off to buy him an ice cream with a side serving of kick ass.

Kind regards,

Coach Bombay.

I have always taught my son and will continue to teach him, if someone hits you, hit them back twice as hard. I was always taught this as a child, as was my brother. I think during my school years I only ever had 2 or 3 physical fights so as a general rule for our area that was good going 😂