AIBU to ask you to sit with me (through the computer) and need a bit of strength and a hand hold

[Neonfishwife]

I’m not sure if anyone remembers me from November time. I posted about my husband and his fish tank lights that were flooding the room neon blue, giving me migraines and he was refusing to turn them off and getting very nasty about it. There’s a long history of emotional and verbal abuse, as well as gaslighting.
Everyone here had amazing supportive advice, mostly to the tune of LTB. But I couldn’t. I was frozen with fear and my plan (until yesterday morning) was to stick out the next 13 years until the youngest was 18, and then go.
Yesterday, the abuse escalated to him stealing my phone to find proof that I’ve been having affairs with all and sundry (I have never) pushing me over onto the floor in front of our young children, swearing at me and trying to involve them in the argument by saying things like ‘mummy’s a bitch she’s been sleeping with other men she’s breaking our family up’.

Because I’m used to being gaslighted and verbally abused when the argument started I took a phone and began videoing the whole thing (albeit holding the phone against my side so he wouldn’t notice). There is over 20 minutes of footage of him swearing, pushing me etc. I called the police. They arrested him. I gave the footage to the police and they were optimistic that it would enough to charge him. They also took away his cannabis stash when they came back to take my statement.
After initially thinking that I had finally done the right thing by standing up for myself and not running scared, i feel a bit let down by everything.
They let him go after interviewing him because despite the video showing swearing and an obvious scuffle where I fall on the floor, it wasn’t enough evidence to charge him. So they let him go and he’s come home. I can’t get legal aid I’m not entitled. And he’s insistent that he’s not going anywhere. Now I’m in the house, I’m scared and I feel like this is why women don’t stand up to abuse because ultimately you’re on your own with it and it’s so scary. I have an appointment with a local family solicitor to discuss divorce and child arrangements, and I’m hoping it’s not going to cost the earth. We both own the house and I will not leave because I don’t want to walk away and make myself homeless. But having know what he’s like for the last 10 years, I’m fearful of what’s to come now I’ve finally said No More.
Sorry that’s long.

Threshold for an ouster order expelling him from the house is high. Non-mol slightly less so. Civil burden of proof - so balance of probabilities. You have the video. Very surprised police wouldn't help, I had a client forced to leave the home for 28 days on basis of W's allegations when there was no evidence (and he denied the claims - although he accepted the right thing was to leave so he didn't resist the order - the point being the olive took action even though they had no intention of charging him).

Can you get social services on your side?

So sorry op. No wise words but here for a handhold

Writers block, a lot of people last time I posted suggested the freedom program and I did look into it and it looked really good. At the time I wasn’t ready to start making any moves and still thought that I could ride out the next 13 years of abuse so as to let the kids leave home before goifn through this. My fear always has been and still is that he will use the children as weapons to hurt me. I don’t want to stop them seeing him, I just want him to leave me alone and deal with things reasonably, which I know he’s not capable of unfortunately.

The non molestation order means he has to keep away from me right? So how does that work with regards to the house? If it gets granted, then that means he can’t come near me, so doesn’t that then automatically mean he can’t stay here in the house where I am? Can he contest it? - they said it would be an emergency one and that he doesn’t know about unless it’s granted and they he will be served it. But then can he contest it? And if he does and wins then he’ll be even more angry at me for trying to keep him away from his property (the house and the girls..he sees them as his, not as their own people).

Non mol and ouster are two different things but usually go hand in hand. But a non mol can be granted without an ouster.
Non mol would mean he can't threaten, harass, molest or pester you.
Ouster chucks him out of the house.
Ouster is much more draconian hence harder to get.
An order will only be made without notice in the more serious cases. And yes, there is then a second hearing for him to argue against it.

Ok I see, so if the non molestation order is granted on an emergency basis, he will still be able to stay in the house - it just prevents him from shouting at me harassing me etc?

Yes. But I expect your solicitor will apply for both together.
You need to discuss with them your chances of success because you are right in not wanting to empower him by failing to get the order!

Bumping for you OP.

I remember you Lots of good advice on here - here's my two pence worth:

I want to echo what a pp said about having a hard think about the merits of making staying in the house a priority right now. Who gets to live where can be sorted out at a later date once you are physically apart from him and are safe.

My advice for right now would be to get your things in order and in a bag. It's what i did with 3 DCs about 12 years ago. Your passport, your marriage cert., kids passports, birth certs., paperwork for your own accounts or loans or credit cards. If it's not already; separate your money from his and get it safe. Collect anything together which you may need to produce to prove who you are and what is yours if/when you are out of the house and not able to go back in. Spare car keys, car paper work. Phone numbers which might not be in your phone. A spare phone charger, ect. Any special jewellery. Basically keep all this in a grabbable bag somewhere he doesn't see. It all takes up less room than you think ! :)

I know you say you were looking to 'ride out' the next goodness knows how long and put up his abuse - but you can't subject your children to that, it's not fair on them and almost definitely not the choice they would make for themselves (or for you) in retrospect,and as young adults in the near future.

From my personal experience (with XH) a good family solicitor will be very much concerned with 'provision for the children' and their 'main carer' ... that's You. This is further down the line than where you are now - but legal advice will be that the house be sold and the money split with the lions share going to the main carer for provision for the children in mind, or simply that you stay in the house with the children as their main and familiar residence. and he sorts himself out as best he can.

Leaving the family home because you don't feel safe surely will not negate your entitlement to it or a share of it.

Good luck OP

You can get an occupation order alongside the non molestation order. He won't be able to come within 100yards of the house. NCDV will help you with this.
In my opinion the police have behaved abominably and are wrong in that there isn't enough evidence.

Unfortunatley I don't have any advice but I remember your thread about the lights, offering a hand hold and some good luck💐

What happened to the police taking a hard stance on DV/A and even prosecuting when the victim didn't want to press charges?

Have the not just bailed him op and he'll be charged at a later date?

I remember you. The fish tank light thread was bad enough but this is beyond the beyonds. Holding your hand. You need to leave though, your kids won’t thank you for staying in the long run and it will be much better on the other side of this. Good luck.

Sorry to hear this has escalated so much OP. I got a non- molestation order to keep my ex away from me.

I am so sorry. I don't have any advice I'm afraid but didn't want to read and run. I hope you can get the support you need to escape this man

I remember you and offering another handhold

I am a legal aid family solicitor

There’s should be enough there for a non mol - finance dependent ( eg how much you have earnings savings equity etc) you would get legal aid. You would not give him notice and go to court without telling him, and have the order by the time he’s aware of it. You I would issue an occupation order at the same time but it wouldn’t likely be heard until you went back about 2 weeks later for him to give his side. He would still be in the house but as soon as he breached that non mol order it’s a criminal offence so the police could lift him. At that return date if he doesn’t agree it will be listed for trial. The non mol would be a gateway to funding for divorce etc. Ultimately the house will be sorted in a diorce settlement

You need to also be aware despite doing nothing the police will report the incident to the local authority so don’t be surprised if they call. If they do get involved Children’s services don’t like children witnessing DV. They will expect you to take protective measures. Even if you change your mind re leaving - so beware of that.

Do not go to NCDV - they are a 100% profit organisation posing as a charity. Go to a legal aid solicitors with practioners on the advanced family and children panels

I remember you OP, I've got no more advice than what others have said.

You're being very brave and I'm sorry you're going through this

I remember you.

You did do the right thing. I'm sorry the system has let you down, but please don't give up. Another thirteen years of this would have done so much damage to you and your children.

Your safety and that of your girls is the most important thing. You are right in that he sees you all as his property, but you are worth much more than that.

I relate to your feelings about "running away". I was really angry that it was me who had to abandon my home, not my abuser, but in the long run I'm glad I got to start afresh away from that place. I still am angry sometimes, but I still wouldn't want to be living there - I think it would have interfered with my ability to heal.

Please call the police again if he does anything else. Every time.

I know it's hard to figure out what to do when you're in the thick of this, but do think about your safety. He does view you as his possession, and that means he is likely to continue to escalate if he thinks he might be about to lose control of you.

I remember you too. Another hand to hold

I am sorry you are going through this OP. I was wondering if it would be possible to put a hidden camera in your house. I know it's not protection but it may offer evidence of any abuse.

Another handheld here

hand hold OP xx

I remember you op. I'm so sorry you're going through this but well done for taking those first steps to live free of abuse, for you and your children.