AIBU to ask you to sit with me (through the computer) and need a bit of strength and a hand hold

[Neonfishwife]

I’m not sure if anyone remembers me from November time. I posted about my husband and his fish tank lights that were flooding the room neon blue, giving me migraines and he was refusing to turn them off and getting very nasty about it. There’s a long history of emotional and verbal abuse, as well as gaslighting.
Everyone here had amazing supportive advice, mostly to the tune of LTB. But I couldn’t. I was frozen with fear and my plan (until yesterday morning) was to stick out the next 13 years until the youngest was 18, and then go.
Yesterday, the abuse escalated to him stealing my phone to find proof that I’ve been having affairs with all and sundry (I have never) pushing me over onto the floor in front of our young children, swearing at me and trying to involve them in the argument by saying things like ‘mummy’s a bitch she’s been sleeping with other men she’s breaking our family up’.

Because I’m used to being gaslighted and verbally abused when the argument started I took a phone and began videoing the whole thing (albeit holding the phone against my side so he wouldn’t notice). There is over 20 minutes of footage of him swearing, pushing me etc. I called the police. They arrested him. I gave the footage to the police and they were optimistic that it would enough to charge him. They also took away his cannabis stash when they came back to take my statement.
After initially thinking that I had finally done the right thing by standing up for myself and not running scared, i feel a bit let down by everything.
They let him go after interviewing him because despite the video showing swearing and an obvious scuffle where I fall on the floor, it wasn’t enough evidence to charge him. So they let him go and he’s come home. I can’t get legal aid I’m not entitled. And he’s insistent that he’s not going anywhere. Now I’m in the house, I’m scared and I feel like this is why women don’t stand up to abuse because ultimately you’re on your own with it and it’s so scary. I have an appointment with a local family solicitor to discuss divorce and child arrangements, and I’m hoping it’s not going to cost the earth. We both own the house and I will not leave because I don’t want to walk away and make myself homeless. But having know what he’s like for the last 10 years, I’m fearful of what’s to come now I’ve finally said No More.
Sorry that’s long.

I remember you and I'm here with a handhold and

Well done you for going to the police, I'm so sorry they didn't charge him. Please contact Women's Aid who will give you support and guidance specific to your situation. And we're all here

Contact womens aid. You don't deserve this and you're worth so much more so are your children. You'll find lots of support here and advice from women who have been in the same position and hopefully they'll help you find the strength to get back the life you deserve.

I can't give you any advice, better people than me will be along. But a hand hold for sure. I think you did the right thing under the circumstances and I'm so sorry the police didn't do more. Take care and stay safe.

I spoke to them (womens-aid) yesterday while he was still gone and they listened and said I needed to find a solicitor and gave me some websites but I didn’t find talking to them overly helpful really. Maybe because I want to stay put in my house rather than leave?..are they better at helping women run away sort of thing?

Even though the video footage of the whole thing wasn’t enough for the police I’m hoping it’ll be enough to use in a family court to prove that he doesn’t care if the children are present or not he can’t control his temper toward me. I also have lots of text messages with him calling me names etc.

I remember you. Don’t really have any advice but I’m sorry you’ve been let down. How much evidence is enough?! The minute he says something else abusive to you contact the police again. Do it every time. Save any messages he sends you, any video you have. This is a horrible situation for you and you are being so strong, even if you don’t feel it. Thinking of you.

Yes, contact Women's Aid. They can help you.

But be very careful, his abuse is escalating and he's involving the children, which is abusive to them. You might have to move out temporarily, for your own safety. You can get an injunction and stop him from staying in the house at a later date, but the most important thing is to get to safety first.
You're not safe being in the house while he's there.

I’m here for a hand hold.

I’m sorry you feel let down, it sounds nds like it’s one of those horrible situations where the police’s hands are tied but that doesn’t help you feel any safer.

Do you have anyone that could come and stay with you for a while? Having someone else in the house might help you feel better and is less likely your dick head partner will kick off.

Otherwise it really depends how unsafe you feel, it might be worth leaving and going to relatives/friends for now. You will obviously still get the same amount of money/property in the split as you would living there, it would probably make things harder logistically for a bit but it would mean you and your children are safe and he doesn’t have any power over you.

As gently as possible, you do need to think about the emotional abuse this is putting your DC under to witness this and feel the tension etc it might be better for everyone’s mental health if you took the kids and got out for now. You could always say to a solicitor you had to leave because you were unsafe but you want to get the house back, they might get your ex to leave and you get the house?

Ah, cross posted.

You need to leave. A house is no good to you if you're dead.

You could apply for non nolestation and occupation orders. But if he’s forced to stay away that leaves you looking after the bloody fish.

Handhold here OP.
I remember your thread, I’m so sorry to hear things have escalated.
Keep records and try to get all important paperwork out of the house, maybe ask a friend to hold them for you.
I also think that for your’s and your children’s safety it may be wise to move out, at least until you can get him out of the house.

Handhold from here op, l remember you...despite everything you are going through right now, well done for getting this far..you have absolutely done the right thing.
Think who in RL can help you now, brother/uncle/father friends.....tell them all openly what is going on and that you are scared.
Tell dcs school, all of it. The more people know the safer you will be, he will try and intimidate you to keep his power over you. don't let him.
Don't be embarrassed it is HIS shame, you have done nothing wrong.

He is a monster, don't believe anything he says/don't let your guard down.

You know him well, use that knowledge against him. The gloves need to come off from your side now (of course theoretically not literally) do whatever you need to keep yourself safe whilst planning your exit.

I remember your thread, I am sorry things have got worse for you and hope you manage to find a way to get out and make things better for you and your children.

Before you speak to a solicitor, can I recommend you speak to Rights of Women - they are a team of women who are lawyers & give advice to other women on things such as this. They have limited advice phone line hours, but please do try. They will help you navigate the next steps, I'm sure.

They helped me when I was going through contested contact with my violent ex.

rightsofwomen.org.uk

*We can advise you on:
domestic violence and abuse
divorce, finances and property on relationship breakdown
cohabitation, finances and property on relationship breakdown
parental responsibility and arrangements for children
lesbian parenting

National Line: For women in England and Wales
Call 020 7251 6577
Tuesday – Thursday 7pm – 9pm, Friday 12pm – 2pm
The line is closed on bank holidaysys_

Another handhold here - lots of good advice above, I'm so sorry you have not been supported in the way you need and deserve. It must be very scary for you but freedom will be worth it in the long run xxxx

The CPS today decided not to prosecute my ex, in spite of all the evidence against him, including several statements from third parties, and 3 other exes willing to describe happening to them the same abuse I suffered. The mind boggles. The Welsh Government actually has an ad campaign going to encourage people to understand and report coercive control. It's as if they are waiting for him to kill someone.
I'm so sorry for the position you are in. At least mine is gone and never coming back.

I remember your post. So sorry you are going through this. The police are pretty useless these days, due to cuts mainly. Big hand hold here x

Make an appointment with your GP and log the dv with them. Tell them how you are feeling.

Then make an appointment with a solicitor that offers legal aid.

You can get letter from GP detailing the abuse and then if you are on a low income you will receive legal aid.
They can then help you get a non molestation and occupation order to get him out.

Please look into the police text service incase you are unable to ring if you need to.
Keep a diary, hide passports, confide in a rl friend a code if you need some help. I managed to dial a friend's phone number once and she heard agro and sent the police.
Keep safe op.
Don't let it put you off ringing them again if you need to.

Thanks everyone. I just feel like everything is going on slow motion and I’m numb and powerless. Friends are coming over tonight - one of his and one of mine to just be here after the children go to bed as I said I didn’t feel safe alone with him

What’s the threshold for a non molestation / injunction order? The police did a referral for me with the national centre for domestic violence, but because they didn’t press charges and said he was allowed to come back to the house does that mean that an order now wouldn’t be granted? Especially now as he’s back in the house and nothing (yet) has happened again.
I really wish I’d read up on all of this while I had the time, I never thought it would be frantic like this although I should have know stupidbme that one day it would just all go crazy and be too much for me to take.

I went to a solicitor and had my XH removed from the property. I had the back up of my doctor and he had to find else where to stay. We had a joint tenancy agreement but he had to leave. Speak to a solicitor

I remember you and I’m so sorry this is happening to you. I’m nowhere near A’s knowledgeable as the other people here, but am another with you.

Hi OP

I remember your post well, I'm really saddened to hear his behaviour has escalated. I can't offer much advice other than to echo what others have said, speak to a solicitor about your rights. If you can't get him to leave do consider moving out yourself. I know you don't want to, but if he knows you are leaving his behaviour could worsen and your first priority is to keep yourself and you children as safe as you can.

I'm sure many of us wish we could be there to hold your hand in person rather than just through the computer.

Hi OP. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. Have you heard of The Freedom Programme? They do a course either locally (if there’s one near you - do have a look) or online if you can’t get to one, which can help you make sense of what you’re going through. I know both the founder and one of the women who now speaks for them at events after having gone through similar herself and come out the other side.

I run a feminist group called Let a Woman Speak and if you think the programme may be able to help you and you need it funded, we’d be happy to sponsor you.

If you need anything else, please do DM. You’re a strong woman, and Mumsnet women are brilliant and will support you. Keep reaching out.

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk