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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to wonder if a counsellor would tell my partner he's abusive?

51 replies

lagalaga · 11/02/2019 15:48

Or at least that his behaviour (belittling me, to the point that I am scared to say or do anything wrong) is wrong?

Or do they just do that annoying thing where they don't want to give a straightforward answer and just try and get you to talk amongst each other?

I'm fed up.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratcett · 11/02/2019 15:51

Couples counselling isn't recommended with abusive men. For a few reasons.

Is there a reason you don't leave? Because he's not going to magically change because a counsellor told him.

Merryoldgoat · 11/02/2019 15:51

If your partner is abusive and doesn’t listen to you telling him his behaviour is unacceptable why do you think a counsellor telling him will help?

Don’t put up with it. Get out if you’re being abused - why are you staying?

Original poster
lagalaga · 11/02/2019 15:53

I am leaving. I'm leaving soon. I want him to see what his behaviour is and why it is wrong as we have a DS together. He talks to his DD the same way and I desperately don't want my DS growing up thinking that's normal. I'm desperate for him to see how wrong he is.

OP posts:
BubblesBuddy · 11/02/2019 15:54

No. They try and find out why you are annoying him! How can you change. Don’t waste your money.

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking · 11/02/2019 16:01

No. They try and find out why you are annoying him! How can you change. Don’t waste your money.

That’s not true at all. You've obviously had a poor experience

A good councillor will give you the tools to equip you to find the answers to your problems. They aren’t a magical panacea, it has to come from within.

Whatisthisfuckery · 11/02/2019 16:27

Don’t waste your time or your money. If he’s abusive then just get out. Worst case is they’ll try to blame you and tell you to change your behaviour. Otherwise he’ll either deny it and you’ll get nowhere, or he’ll make a big show of telling you he’ll change, you’ll believe him and stay in the relationship, things will be ok for a while, then he’ll revert back to type again. You will have lost time, wasted emotional energy and it’ll be harder still to leave.

Honestly, I can tell you from experience, abusive men will never admit that it’s their problem. Trying to get some closure in this way will always fail. I know it’s hard because you want confirmation that it isn’t you, but you really won’t get any satisfaction. You need to emotionally disengage and get the hell out, then you can work through your own feelings without having him around to constantly undermine you. Really, I can’t stress enough that you can’t make him change, or force him to admit culpability. Just go, go and never go back. Things will become clearer when you do.

Original poster
lagalaga · 11/02/2019 16:29

@Whatisthisfuckery I would but we have a child together. It's so hard as I want to move cities but he will need to see his child regularly. I worry about his behaviour.

OP posts:
AliyyaJann · 11/02/2019 16:31

Can you afford to leave?

Loopytiles · 11/02/2019 16:33

Sorry your P is abusive and has started on your DD.

Sadly, it seems very unlikely that he will “see the light” as a result of something a third party says. He may well continue to behave abusively towards you once you end the relationship, but this should have much less impact on you and the DC once you live apart and put “boundaries” in place.

It might make sense to seek counselling alone, to help you as you follow your plan to get out of the relationship.

SittingAround1 · 11/02/2019 16:34

You'd be better off getting counselling by yourself to work out how to disconnect yourself from him and to not fall into another abusive relationship.

Original poster
lagalaga · 11/02/2019 16:34

@AliyyaJann I can yes. I earn 24k per year on 3.5 days a week, plus any benefits I'll get. We will have to sell the house which will release about 8k and I have savings. I'm sure it'll disappear quickly but I have enough.

OP posts:
TheShiteRunner · 11/02/2019 16:39

Abusive men tend to be horribly manipulative. He will do his very best to turn this on you, and make himself look like the victim. Whether your counsellor will spot it depends on the counsellor, but even then, I think they're more likely to go on the path of, 'How do you think it makes lagalaga feel when you do this?' than to say, 'You're abusive.'

Fairenuff · 11/02/2019 16:46

Why do you need a counsellor to tell him?

You know he is abusive so you know you have to separate.

You will tie yourself in knots trying to get him to admit to it.

CrabbyPatty · 11/02/2019 16:46

As a PP has said couples counselling is not advised for abusive relationships. Whilst they should have some basic safeguarding training they are not specialist enough to manage (or potentially even manage these types of cases). I advise you contact a domestic abuse charity who can advise and support you around options - try Women's Aid. Please note this isn't a dig at counsellors - they do great work and I've used them myself but I've also delivered domestic abuse training to this group professionally.

MissMalice · 11/02/2019 16:53

If you want to do this, you should tell the counsellor in advance that this is what’s happening and the role that you want the counsellor to take. You should also ask what training they have had - counselling is not a regulated profession and couples counsellors are not obliged to undertake DV training.

Where there is abuse, the person is highly unlikely to change as a result of being told they are wrong or are doing something wrong. It’s far more complex than that. It can be completely counter productive to call out the abusive behaviour in a couples counselling setting - the abuser can become defensive and even less likely to change (for this relationship or any future ones).

Original poster
lagalaga · 11/02/2019 16:56

I don't think he even knows he's abusive! He's totally oblivious.

OP posts:
blackteasplease · 11/02/2019 16:58

They won't.

I tried this and it massively backfired.

Counselling is not recommended with an abuser

What an abuser will (often) do is twist the situation so that the counsellor ends up agreeing with them and supporting their abuse, thus compounding any gaslighting that's been going on.

It's much better to habe counselling alone to help you through the process of leaving.

MissMalice · 11/02/2019 16:58

Then there’s no hope for change until he does realise and that can’t be done by forcing him to a counselling session and putting him a situation where he will feel like you and the counsellor are hanging up on him.

You cannot make someone else change. You can only change your own behaviours which includes keeping yourself and your daughter safe.

Wrybread · 11/02/2019 17:00

Unlikely it will go as you'd like it to.

Abusive people are often very plausible and good at grooming and manipulating those around them. You're more likely to find that he wraps the counselor around his finger and you end up getting blamed. And he gets to abuse you by proxy.

This happened to me. The second counselor we went to did seem to see what he was doing in the initial session, because she named what had happened as traumatic to me. But all that happened was that he refused to engage further.

My ex cannot see himself as abusive. It doesn't fit his story, so he disregards it.

Also if you do go to counselling be prepared for him to do this little gem:

Listening to your story of being abused, and then appropriating it for himself and retelling it as his story to others.

My ex has done this. It's sick really.

You can't make them admit the abuse. You can't stop them telling lies to others. You can't fix them.

But it does help to write it all down for those times when you are so royally gaslit by them that you need reminding that it really did happen.

blackteasplease · 11/02/2019 17:00

What bubbles said is my experience too and is basically what others are saying too. So please don't say "it's not true at all" especially to a woman whose post would suggest she has been gaslighted already.

Original poster
lagalaga · 11/02/2019 17:00

Can someone explain what gaslighting is? I've never heard of it.

OP posts:
Magenta82 · 11/02/2019 17:01

Couples counselling is not recommended when there is abuse, mostly because abuse is not a relationship problem. It can't be solved with better communication, or other group counselling aims.

If you want counselling then you should go to separate sessions and use it to build up your resilience with the aim of leaving the relationship.

MitziK · 11/02/2019 17:02

Example of gaslighting:

He comes back from a counselling session and announces that he's realised how much you abuse him by pretending that you're being abused by him and that he's the real victim here.

blackteasplease · 11/02/2019 17:03

Gaslighting is when someone denies your experience to the point you start to doubt yourself/ your senses / judgment and believe that the reality you have lived is not true. You can feel you are going mad.

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