To put a PA post on facebook becasue I am so angry (elderly parents related)

[Girlwhowearsglasses]

Parents live in a village and have a (diminishing) network of friends in their life that have been around since I was a child. I know most of the 'children' of these people still and on FB even though we are dispersed across the world nowadays (I'm mid forties).

My parents are late seventies now - and over the years they have done more than their fair share of helping local friends in need with things like transportation, emotional support, advice, shoulders to cry on, and DIY. in more recent years there has been bereavement, trouble with adult children, cancer treatment, other hospital treatment, and various people who can't drive for long periods for various reasons. My parents have taken part enthusiastically in formal and informal arrangements to help their friends get places and make appointments etc. One friend was accompanied for all her Chemo appointments by someone (taking turns) in the friendship group, another couldn't drive for a long period and was taken shopping whenever she needed it. My mum has comforted and gone well out of her way to stay over in times of need when relatives were dying or people were ill: even in the last six months.

Almost all of the remaining local friends are still driving.

My DF has stopped driving due to mobility issues in the last few weeks, and this week my DM has lost a significant portion of eyesight and now feels unsafe driving. Their friends all know this.

Not one of the friends has offered to take them out, shopping, or for a leisure trip. My mum had to ask the email group of one activity she does to pick her up so they do all know. A really good friend hasn't even called to see if she's OK (she's not). She actually asked someone she has really bust a gut for locally recently if she would let her know if she was going to the local town and maybe give her a lift, go their own ways, and meet up later on. This friend said "oh but I have to stop for coffees all the time when I'm shopping" - for which read " I don't want to do that".

For clarity neither can walk far and although the shops are a ten minute walk that one of them can still do - its still a big deal to be isolated like that. (I do know that this is true for many, many people).

I am so angry on her behalf. I have set up Taxi app on their phones - but they have never got taxis in their entire life until the last month or so. If it comes to paying the £14 to get to and from the cinema via taxi they will probably not want to pay it. even though the sale of their nearly new car would pay for taxis for a long time in theory...

I feel like putting a really Passive-aggressive post on Facebook so that all the 'kids' of these friends see it.
AIBU?

It’s always unreasonable to put PA posts on fb.
You can’t make people step up, they’re selfish and inconsiderate agreed but they won’t improve their behavior because of a veiled dig in a fb post you’re more ,ikeky to alienate them even further. You’d be better looking for other support networks to help your parents, check if there are community outreach programs that arrange local transport to take elderly people out and about, have basic groceries delivered, that kind of thing.

YABU.

I can totally understand why you're upset but surely it's nothing to do with their children? What are they going to do about it? You're all adults here.

I think it might be better to contact your parents' friends if you can and have a chat about it.

Do you or any other family live close enough to help them out?

That’s likely* btw not whatever gobbledegook autocorrect thought more fitting there.

I know I know. Actually I've put more of a factual post about it on FB, and how depressing that they can't drive. I haven't mentioned their friends or anything like that. I am angry privately though. I will keep my counsel!

Sorry to hear about your parents, OP. I take it you live some distance away? It must be frustrating not to be able to help them as much as you'd like, but you would not look good blaming other people on FB, even if it is true.

Yabu. The 'kids' can't do anything about it. And passive aggressive is not the way to go!

Wouldn't it be better to message some of the actual friends and say something like "Hello everyone. My mum and dad are not terribly good at directly asking for help, but as you know they have been really involved in helping others in the village with shopping and hospital appointments etc, so I'm just hoping that some of that thoughtfulness could be reciprocated in their hour of need? I'm sure they would be very grateful".

In the long term, it sounds as though they might need to move to sheltered accommodation, somewhere less isolated? As they can't rely on friends to taxi them around forever.

Thanks all, yes we have a longer term plan which we are sorting currently. Yes I'm 100 miles away. I think they are better asking their friends themselves but I'm upset and so is DM

You’re really unreasonable, for many reasons. Yes, once in a while it would be nice if someone offered, and friends not calling is definitely not nice, but it reads to me like you’re expecting the village to come together and arrange a personal taxi service for your parents. How long do you expect this to go on for, to what extent? Do you want them to help with the shopping, wait outside the cinema until they’re finished? People (selfishly or not) have their own thing going on.

You and your parents need to sit down and have a serious conversation about their abilities to live comfortably in they’re new situation, and whether it would be sensible to consider moving to somewhere with higher accessibility to shops. Though quite honestly, if they help as they can’t manage a ten minute walk to the shops, that suggests they already may need care beyond friends helping out once in a while.

Your parents sound so lovely and helpful and I'm sure they have helped many people out of the goodness of their hearts and while of course having the same support back would be wonderful, unfortunately we are a very selfish species.

I'm sure your parents would never have done the good they have in the hope that someone would 'pay' them back but I completely understand your anger, frustration and hurt feelings. Sadly is often the givers that get nothing back.

This taxi app, what if you set up an account where you settle the bill at the end of the month and allow for say 2 leisure trips within that month? Perhaps it would incentivise your parents to use taxis more and you would see that they're getting out and about.
Either way I do hope things improve for you all.

Don’t be passive aggressive, it’s childish and way too open to misinterpretation. Just have an honest conversation - ideally face to face but if you must put it on facebook then make a straightforward factual post that people can understand and respond to.

Angrily posting on facebook is going to isolate you and your parents further. Nobody wants to be involved in that mess.

What are you doing to help? Perhaps you could set up your credit card on their taxi app and pay for it, or maybe you could step up and give more lifts. Could you get in touch and ask one of the children personally if you are all such a tight community?

It's really not their responsibility, they have their own lives to get on with, no matter how kind your parents had been in the past.

YABU - but I think your parents sound lovely. Not everyone however will be as forthcoming as they have been with helping people out. That's just life.

I hope the taxi app will help.

Are there any local classes they can go to, to meet people? Who then in turn may include them more into trips and activities?

of course their kids could do something, they could say to their parents'why haven't you been to see Betty and John' or 'do you remember when Betty took Auntie Susan to all her appointments, can't you or one of the neighbours help them out a bit'?

I wouldn't necessarily be PA but I would be tempted to post something along the lines of how disappointed you are that a couple who've been so community minded all their lives are now being let down by that same community. That's simply fact.

they could say to their parents'why haven't you been to see Betty and John' or 'do you remember when Betty took Auntie Susan to all her appointments, can't you or one of the neighbours help them out a bit'

No one who reads a passive aggressive Facebook post will ever react like that. I would either be completely ignored, or someone will take offence. It wouldn’t end well at all, no one likes to be embarrassed into helping others.

The operative term is "over the years". It's one thing to give this sort of help when you're a hale and hearty 40-60 year old but once the friendship group heads into its late 70s even people who seem to be doing all right with driving etc are actually getting more and more frail and have less and less energy themselves. I am disappointed that my mother's friends don't help her out more (she isn't as old as your parents but is disabled) but I accept that they don't have the capacity to do it.

Would your parents be eligible for any disability benefits and allowances? My Nana gets some sort of discount for taxis. Also some NHS trusts have a volunteer service where people will drive and accompany you to hospital appointments, I had a neighbour who did this iirc she had to be CRB checked (was a while ago)

Don't use facebook, it's far better to dm those who you think might help and explain in a non judgemental way.

Hi xxxx I'm just messaging a few people local to mum and dad to see if anyone would be able/willing to help out now and again giving them a lift to the shops if they're going. Neither of them are able to drive now so any help at all would be greatly appreciated. You can message me back if you'd like to know more or call mum directly if you have her number. Thanks

Are they going to go ahead and sell the car? That seems like a good solution to pay for taxis so that they are not reliant on help if no-one is forthcoming.

I wouldn't use Facebook, PA or not because:

1. It's so general that nobody will think you are speaking directly to them
2. It may look PA even if that isn't your intention For me, this is something you should be speaking about directly to a small group of people. That way you may be able (in a nice way) to flush a few people out of the woodwork to help.

the people your parents have done favours for are now too old to help out - they already got to the point of needing favours before your parents did. Your parents need the next generation of community-minded citizens (probably newly retired) who want to "help the old people". They might find them in places like WI, community minibus/library projects?

It sounds like your parents have been kind in the past. However, you dont know what is going on in other peoples lives, they may be sick or have other issues ongoing.
You cannot force people to voluntarily help non family

Some councils allow people to swap their bus pass for x amount of taxi rides
Some places have a dial a ride system to visit hospital, shops
You can arrange for medecines to be delivered from their local pharmacy
You can arrange for online shopping

Has anyone mentioned online shopping yet?

I wouldn’t do the FB post, no. I guess most of the children wouldn’t realize you are talking about their parents - and if they do they might be annoyed at you and even possible your parents!

If your parents have always been the givers, supporting friends in need of help and never asking for anything in return it can be difficult to switch the balance the other way. Maybe because they have always been so independent and strong their friends don't really recognise their predicament.

Your parents have given help freely, if help isn't being reciprocated freely there isn't much you can do about it. These are your parents long standing friends, it is up to them to speak to them to let them know how hard it is and ask for help if it is needed.

Did they agree to you writing about their health and impact on their life on facebook?

Look into local support services for them. My mum hates paying for taxis too but they'll need to alter their way of thinking on that if they want to keep getting out and about.

Sad as it is, the problem with situations like this is that any 'help' offered/received is unlikely to be a one off and people are generally worried about setting a precedent.

So, offering to help someone whose car has broken down or whose partner is away for the weekend is a very different proposal to offering help to someone whose health is worsening where the burden of responsiblity is likely to increase going forward into the long term.

Also, as someone else has said, offering help 'over the years' when everyone was younger is very different to offering to help when every one is in their 70s when their own health may be failing and there are considerations like grandchildren to factor in.

How about messaging the families directly and reminding them that your DP's need help and support?

I am so sorry your parents have been treated like this.

Me and DH have done stuff for people in the past, (lifts, lending money, DIY, helping people move house.) Like in our 20's and 30's, and when we went through a rough time in our late 30's/early 40's -(won't go into it why,) no fucker bothered giving us a single moment of their time, or helped us when we went through some financial trouble.

We moved house and no-one helped us, and we have always had to pay people to do stuff (where people we know seemed to have a brother/dad/uncle/neighbour/mate who helped them.) Every fucker seemed to have an inheritance too! We never got shit!

10 years on we're OK, recovered financially, and other issues resolved. Life is good.

But regrettably, apart from our DC, everyone else can fuck off now. I know it sounds horrid and it's 'no way to live' for some people, but it works for us. We do nothing for anyone, and don't expect anything back. Yeah, sure, if a neighbour desperately needed something in an emergency, we would step up, but we won't purposely put ourselves out there, or volunteer for anything, and wouldn't offer to help anyone on a regular basis.

We came into some money 3-4 years ago; small gambling win - only low 5 figures (£33K ish) but DH couldn't keep it a secret and dropped it out to several people, and within DAYS we had had FIVE different people telling us tales of woe about how they need money for this, and they need money for that. (colleagues, acquaintances, so-called friends who were never there when we needed them, and distant, extended family who don't ever contact us and wait for us to contact them, and who we see maybe 3-4 times a year.)

I told DH they can FUCK. RIGHT. OFF. None of them are getting a fucking bean. We told people the money was in an account that could not be touched for 5 years. (I don't even know if there's any such thing!) And they stopped asking.

@girlwhowearsglasses

But yeah YANBU to be mad OP. It's horrible when you are there for everyone for YEARS, and no-one is there for you.

I would put the message on if it was me, but then I am a petty, bitter little shit who doesn't forgive easily, and holds grudges!