To put a PA post on facebook becasue I am so angry (elderly parents related)

[Girlwhowearsglasses]

Parents live in a village and have a (diminishing) network of friends in their life that have been around since I was a child. I know most of the 'children' of these people still and on FB even though we are dispersed across the world nowadays (I'm mid forties).

My parents are late seventies now - and over the years they have done more than their fair share of helping local friends in need with things like transportation, emotional support, advice, shoulders to cry on, and DIY. in more recent years there has been bereavement, trouble with adult children, cancer treatment, other hospital treatment, and various people who can't drive for long periods for various reasons. My parents have taken part enthusiastically in formal and informal arrangements to help their friends get places and make appointments etc. One friend was accompanied for all her Chemo appointments by someone (taking turns) in the friendship group, another couldn't drive for a long period and was taken shopping whenever she needed it. My mum has comforted and gone well out of her way to stay over in times of need when relatives were dying or people were ill: even in the last six months.

Almost all of the remaining local friends are still driving.

My DF has stopped driving due to mobility issues in the last few weeks, and this week my DM has lost a significant portion of eyesight and now feels unsafe driving. Their friends all know this.

Not one of the friends has offered to take them out, shopping, or for a leisure trip. My mum had to ask the email group of one activity she does to pick her up so they do all know. A really good friend hasn't even called to see if she's OK (she's not). She actually asked someone she has really bust a gut for locally recently if she would let her know if she was going to the local town and maybe give her a lift, go their own ways, and meet up later on. This friend said "oh but I have to stop for coffees all the time when I'm shopping" - for which read " I don't want to do that".

For clarity neither can walk far and although the shops are a ten minute walk that one of them can still do - its still a big deal to be isolated like that. (I do know that this is true for many, many people).

I am so angry on her behalf. I have set up Taxi app on their phones - but they have never got taxis in their entire life until the last month or so. If it comes to paying the £14 to get to and from the cinema via taxi they will probably not want to pay it. even though the sale of their nearly new car would pay for taxis for a long time in theory...

I feel like putting a really Passive-aggressive post on Facebook so that all the 'kids' of these friends see it.
AIBU?

@Honeyroar

I understand where you're coming from, I've had very similar with my sick mother this year and her flaky friends. They've been atrocious. We've actually got used to it know and accepted that they're not great people after all. I've been very angry and wanted a good rant at them a few times!

My mum has organised a New Years party at hers for the past decade for them all, done all the cooking and entertaining, yet this year when she couldn't due to her health they all merrily trotted off somewhere else, not asking whether she wanted to go, and left her alone.

People are often a let down when you need them. You really find out who your friends are in tough times.

Exactly. It makes me very angry when people you once helped through hard times and strife, won't give you the time of day when YOU need help. As I said earlier in the thread, me (AND DH) did so much for so many people for probably 15-20 years, and when WE needed help, (when WE had hard times,) none of the fuckers were there......

It's made me very hard, and I won't do shit for anyone now. (Except my DC.) I don't care what that makes me, or if 'it's no way to live,' or if it's a 'shame.' It means I don't have to waste my precious time and precious life running after other people, doing them favours, and having them bug me every 5 minutes. As I said, I will help in an emergency, but will not regularly help anyone, or volunteer for anything.

So I may not have anyone when I need it. I don't give a fuck. I haven't had anyone help for the last few decades anyway. So no change there. I have coped my whole life with no help or handouts, (DH too!) so we can carry on doing it. Only difference now is we are not wet compliant mugs anymore.

@AWishForWingsThatWork

I'm sorry, OP. I get where you are coming from, too. It wasn't just about the rides and help; it's about friendships and companionship. It seems everyone was happy for your parents to be their friend when they could keep them company and take them shopping and to appointments and just be there, but now that they can't, nobody wants to know.

Exactly this too. ^

@Bluelady

I completely get where you're coming from. You've had some pretty callous responses here. I'm not surprised your mum was hurt when someone she'd helped in the past refused her a lift on a journey they were making anyway. That's unforgivable in my book.

And this too. People who take take take and never give anything back. Utter cunts, who have (quite rightly) been ghosted by me now.

I really really don't think you should post anything on fb to get at the children of these neighbours. You really don't know the circumstances anyone is in and actually they don't owe you anything. Its lovely that your parents helped people out but you don't give to receive if you know what I mean. Someone did the same to us recently, a real nasty post (a few actually), getting at us for not helping out in a situation. We were not able to, due to severe health reasons, that the poster should have been aware of. It has caused no end of hurt, which to be honest, we could do without.

I agree generally that people who provide help tend to be from a different group , to those that have been helped. It's just the way it is.

Lots of good ideas. My mother was not keen on taxis until we arranged an account. She was happy to phone someone and ask to be taken to x and back. Not seeing the payment, which I did to invoices worked very well until she became too frail even for that.

There may be local volunteer services who provide drivers and general help and companionship. An odd job man on s regular once a month visit to do anything beefing doing (and a book to capture what needs doing) can be very helpful too.

Cleaners, gardeners it's the time when funds can provide a significant improvement in their standard of living. My father would shrug and say it's the gist of a holiday.

Sad but there it is.

You really have bugger all idea about your parents relationships

Whilst outwardly they may have seemed to you to be offering lots of practical help, you don’t know what they were really like in relationships. And that may explain the situation now.

Oh OP! I feel for you I do.
Yes IWBU to post PA Facebook posts, however I understand why you would want to, and imo wanting to is NBU. My Elderly DGPs were in exactly your DPs position It's shit but true that the nicest people who are there for others are often used and dumped as soon as they are in need themselves by less nice people. There really isn't much you can do to make people step up sadly.

I think OP probably knows her parents pretty well. That was completely unnecessary.

Yes she knows her parents very well

My point is, for no one, absolutely no one to help them would indicate that possibly, just possibly, they are perhaps not so well regarded by others.

@Mmmmbrekkie

My point is, for no one, absolutely no one to help the OP's parents would indicate that possibly, just possibly, they are perhaps not so well regarded by others.

But they were good enough to use for lifts and favours and to do things for said 'others' when it suited.

Jesus wept!

I can see which band of people YOU fall into!

I can see why you are angry but the kids aren't responsible for their parents behaviour

they might be pissed off about it themselves but they can't control their parents

I am sorry for your folks that these people turned out to be fair weather friends, that really sucks. The only thing I'm wondering, if your DM has had the sight problems just this week, is it possible anyone will step up later? I hope so.

Much like @redandyellowandpinkandgreen99 we’ve learned that people are incredibly forgetful. One of our former neighbours called us on Saturday night; I say former as he moved away six months ago without a word, we came home from holiday to find he was gone when we went to drop off a gift. We’d ferried him to chemo appointments (using flexi leave), I’d completed all the paperwork for his and his wife’s citizenship applications, I’d supported them by managing a case against his landlord through the tenancy tribunal (winning!) - it went on and on. They were back in the area as their son who lives 100m away (and too busy to take his Dad to chemo), and we got six missed calls inside of 20m plus text messages asking us to call back as it was urgent. The urgent matter was their request for us to colour copy our parking permit so they could park for free as their son and DIL were having an anniversary party.. they were too cheap to pay 3 quid for overnight parking. So good enough for favours but not enough for invites. It’s been replicated over and over again... I was a lay person advocate on a HR discrimination case and worked on personal injury claim for another friend, settlement for both cases was nearly 60k, not so much as a Christmas text. My DH is a tradesman and often gets ‘mates rates’ requests, too often he’s done it for cost of materials with no labour as a favour. We’ve become consistently more cynical, and I completely understand where you’re coming from OP, it’s awful when you’ve spent your life being a good sort and then when you need a bit of reciprocal support, no one is there for you. Hopefully you can connect with Age Concern or other groups to organise social outings and practical help like shopping trips

to all the nice people out there.