To put a PA post on facebook becasue I am so angry (elderly parents related)

[Girlwhowearsglasses]

Parents live in a village and have a (diminishing) network of friends in their life that have been around since I was a child. I know most of the 'children' of these people still and on FB even though we are dispersed across the world nowadays (I'm mid forties).

My parents are late seventies now - and over the years they have done more than their fair share of helping local friends in need with things like transportation, emotional support, advice, shoulders to cry on, and DIY. in more recent years there has been bereavement, trouble with adult children, cancer treatment, other hospital treatment, and various people who can't drive for long periods for various reasons. My parents have taken part enthusiastically in formal and informal arrangements to help their friends get places and make appointments etc. One friend was accompanied for all her Chemo appointments by someone (taking turns) in the friendship group, another couldn't drive for a long period and was taken shopping whenever she needed it. My mum has comforted and gone well out of her way to stay over in times of need when relatives were dying or people were ill: even in the last six months.

Almost all of the remaining local friends are still driving.

My DF has stopped driving due to mobility issues in the last few weeks, and this week my DM has lost a significant portion of eyesight and now feels unsafe driving. Their friends all know this.

Not one of the friends has offered to take them out, shopping, or for a leisure trip. My mum had to ask the email group of one activity she does to pick her up so they do all know. A really good friend hasn't even called to see if she's OK (she's not). She actually asked someone she has really bust a gut for locally recently if she would let her know if she was going to the local town and maybe give her a lift, go their own ways, and meet up later on. This friend said "oh but I have to stop for coffees all the time when I'm shopping" - for which read " I don't want to do that".

For clarity neither can walk far and although the shops are a ten minute walk that one of them can still do - its still a big deal to be isolated like that. (I do know that this is true for many, many people).

I am so angry on her behalf. I have set up Taxi app on their phones - but they have never got taxis in their entire life until the last month or so. If it comes to paying the £14 to get to and from the cinema via taxi they will probably not want to pay it. even though the sale of their nearly new car would pay for taxis for a long time in theory...

I feel like putting a really Passive-aggressive post on Facebook so that all the 'kids' of these friends see it.
AIBU?

redandyellowandpinkandgreen99, did you really help out people in life just on the off-chance they would help you out if and when needed? Helping people out isn’t a banker for going through your own difficult times, just because you were able to give help in your early years, doesn’t mean you can expect it back later. Yes, money will bring out the greedy fuckers, but it’s not representative of people in general. It a shame you’ve given up on helping other on the bases that not everyone has the time or money to give in return.

@DoneLikeAKipper

I am not even going to justify your ridiculous post with a response.

You are being ridiculous. It doesn't matter who they helped out and when. They are responsible for getting themselves to places.

You should check out if your mum would be entitled to Attendance Allowance. It is not means tested. You could try contacting the RNIB as they have experience in this. It does not matter that she is not totally blind. When my mum was thought to have AMD a while back the nurse at her appointment referred her to the RNIB who then contacted her.
It turned out she did not have AMD at that stage but she now does have it but in the meantime had got AA for other reasons.

How sad.
My parents were like yours. They both did volunteering at a hospice and gave regular lifts to "old" people, to church or shopping.
Happily in their case it was reciprocated when DF died and mum became unable to drive.

FB is not the way though. It's an unpleasant social media platform and you would do no good.

Cluedo hope you remember that when you're old and infirm.

redandyellowandpinkandgreen99

Goodness me, overreaction much?

Unfortunately in life, you cannot expect to get back what you put in. Life is generally difficult for everyone, whether it’s because age, money, personal circumstances. It’s a great thing when people can help out their friends/communities, but most people can barely give back what’s given.

I just don’t understand those who say ‘I did this and that for x years, now they won’t do it for me!’ - do people really do ‘good deeds’ for the return? Perhaps I’m very naive about doing things from the ‘goodness of one’s heart’.

If they can afford taxis then what on earth is the problem? If they choose not to pay for them, then that's their choice. Rather unfair to now expect indefinite help from friends and neighbours because they don't want to put their hand in their pocket. Helping people out in a crisis or as a one off is all well and good, but taking them weekly shopping, to appointments, social outings etc etc for evermore now is massively unreasonable when your parents have the financial means to do it themselves.

There are buses, and the Community transport service - minibuses driven by volunteers who go round picking people up to go to town or hospital.

YABU. They are friends but not carers. I think these types of burdens are for families to resolve and maybe there are some ways you can help your parents to be independent.

Why not be direct without hostility? Being hostile only feeds your own stress, it doesn't impact anyone else.
Put a post that says,
"As many of you know, mum and dad have had a streak of bad luck, and can't drive. If anyone is able to help, with a lift for groceries, or occasional trips, please inbox me! "

I'm not being hostile and I am on here for a vent and no I wont be PA on social media.

They are very middle class and from an age when nobody took taxis, even to get to the airport. They are also post-war babies who never even went to cafes when they were children. Now they are at a point where they can't keep their horizons open easily and can afford to take taxis that's still a massive jump for them. They're not lonely at the moment and are actually both part of lots of activities, but its the difference between nipping out in the car and planning a taxi journey that's going to reduce their horizons. They are talking about stopping lots of their activities, which is a bad idea.

Its actually the lack of sympathy that's the most difficult. they don't want regular trips out from anyone, or to set any precedents, but it would be nice if someone phoned or suggested taking them out for a drink or something!

Yes, it's a real shame and I'm sorry so many on here just don't get it.

My mum can afford taxis but sometimes it's about having a companion with you. If family can't help out it's great to know that she has neighbours or someone from church offering to drive her to an appointment or whatever (she has terminal cancer).

I understand where you're coming from, I've had very similar with my sick mother this year and her flaky friends. They've been atrocious. We've actually got used to it know and accepted that they're not great people after all. I've been very angry and wanted a good rant at them a few times! My mum has organised a New Years party at hers for the past decade for them all, done all the cooking and entertaining, yet this year when she couldn't due to her health they all merrily trotted off somewhere else, not asking whether she wanted to go, and left her alone.

People are often a let down when you need them. You really find out who your friends are in tough times.

I hope you get help sorted for your parents soon. It might be worth just taking a taxi to go shopping. You can have quite a lot of taxi fares out of what you'd save on car tax and insurance.. Alternatively, a care agency would organise carers to take her shopping once a week (we did that with my mil).

YABU. What will it really achieve?
If someone put up a PA post on FB about me my first thought would be "What a dickhead" and my second would be "Well I definitely won't be offering to help out now."

You're completely justified in your anger though. What a shit sutuation. I agree with those saying to speak to the 'children' directly and privately.

Ps, my mum and her friend were from the "taxis are too expensive era" too, but adding up how many taxis they could take from the money they'd saved on car tax and insurance helped persuade them a bit!

I didnt read the full post but the answer to the title is always

Your parents’ relationships with their friends and acquaintances are a matter for them. If they’re disappointed in specific people or would like specific help, they could say so, and if no help is forthcoming take this into account in taking decisions about their lives.

Similarly, whether to arrange and pay for taxis, directly ask people for regular lifts, or miss out on things are decisions for them.

I have a disabled parent and live far away from them, they get zero support from local friends, c’est la vie sadly.

I completely get where you're coming from. You've had some pretty callous responses here. I'm not surprised your mum was hurt when someone she'd helped in the past refused her a lift on a journey they were making anyway. That's unforgivable in my book.

Is your mum's sight problem reversible? If so, might paying for treatment be an option to bypass the waiting list? If it would restore their independence it would be worth every penny.

I'm sorry, OP. I get where you are coming from, too. It wasn't just about the rides and help; it's about friendships and companionship. It seems everyone was happy for your parents to be their friend when they could keep them company and take them shopping and to appointments and just be there, but now that they can't, nobody wants to know. THat must really sting.

It's not about being driven around. It's about engaging with people they thought were friends and having time for a chat.

It is irritating but some people are just selfish and users and it sounds like many of your DPs friends are like this and happy to accept help but not so quick to offer it. I would be cross too but you don't know what is going on in their lives. Getting them the taxi app is a good idea and as you say getting rid of the car will help financially with the cost of that. Can they move nearer to you or any other siblings?

They are fine-ish doing online shopping, they are fine getting to essential places, yes (and I know this isn't the case for everyone), but its the incidental small stuff that adds up to a pleasant life - you know, nipping to the garden centre, going to the cinema on a whim, running into a friend and going for a coffee. Until last month not a day went by without one or other of them nipping out for something or to go to a class or to the post office, or to see a friend...

I think I am sad as I can see the end of the active part of later life. They will be moving to be nearer us, and until very recently I was thinking they might find it really hard without their friends - who are also getting on... but it seems that social circles start to break up as time goes on. I know not all of it can be helped

Whilst I understand where you're coming from, and sympathise, I have to disagree about your belief that they're of a generation and class that didn't take taxis.

Both my parents (working class), and DH's parents (middle class), plus other family members who are the same age as yours, use taxis when they need to.

Perhaps you should put the costs in black and white for them, how much they're saving without the costs of running a car, and the costs of taxis to various places.

You can also help them find out what resources there are in their area, for help with lifts, etc.

But I do understand, the saying about finding out who your true friends are when you're in a crisis is very true.

I get it OP, my parents are in much the same position. All the fair-weather friends they tought were real have stopped interacting now my parents are no longer in a position to be useful to them.
They are rather lonely, no one drops in, asks mum out for coffee or offers to help in the smallest of ways. Despite being supported through some huge crises, the various friends have turned out to be hollow, shallow and self-centred. No, they don’t need the help, and as a wider family unit, we can manage. But a bit of friendship and kindness wouldn’t go amiss.

I used to live in a wonderful village in Norfolk, population less than 200. We looked out for everyone. Lifts were given, routines were made, we had no trouble putting ourselves out to help. There were several little clubs that we kept running in the village hall and the crumblies were collected from near & far (well, within about 7 miles) to have tea & cake with their contemporaries. Our nearest shops & services were 5 miles away and as far as I can tell, from the village paper, the kindness still goes on.

I would suggest talking to a local taxi firm and asking for a regular driver to pick them up once a week, drive them to town and leave them to have their shop/hair appointment/tea & cake and collect them later, help them with their bags etc. They could have an account if necessary.
That way they might look forward to it, their own chauffeur, rather than the stress of a random trip, relying on a random driver?

The other alternative is finding a reliable older 'odd job man' who doesn't mind driving and who will be great to have in case of an emergency. I had one - I called him Perfect Pete - he had a few dear old ladies on his books and would run them about when needed. He was really wonderful and loads of his clients cried when he left to set up a B&B in Spain.

It's difficult, but manageable.