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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be fed up of mother's hospital appointments

57 replies

Ceci03 · 11/02/2019 12:38

so, my mother has multiple health issues - she was diagnosed with a heart condition about 2 years ago, so has regular check ups for that. she has a knee replacement which is becoming sore, so she has check ups for that - she had to have it re-done twice. she has a thing called alpha D which is like a chest/liver complaint, so regular checks for that. she had bell's palsy in her face, so has regular botox in her face for that, plus they want to do something about her eyelid which has gotten very droopy. she's just been diagnosed with uterine cancer, so she has a lot of tests to go to for that. she spends her life literally going to different appointments. this week she is at a different hospital every day. then there's my father's appointments too. Is there ever a time do you think where you just say 'enough is enough' and just live your life rather than spend it in hospital waiting rooms. Should say I dont have a good relationship with either of my parents. I@m just so tired of the drama and the hospital appts, and what was said or what needs to be done. I'm so tired of it. I guess I should feel more sorry for her but it's hard as I really feel nothing. Just thinking if I get to that stage I might be tempted to just stop going and 'let nature take it's course'. I hate hospitals :(

OP posts:

SubparOwl · 11/02/2019 12:40

It's hard. I meet plenty of retired couples at work who, between them, have one or more medical appointments every single day. It's incredibly depressing.

DoneLikeAKipper · 11/02/2019 12:42

She can’t help being ill, and I would assume she’d much rather be living her life than constantly going to appointments. What do you expect her to do, just lay down and die? I’m not entirely sure why you’re even fed up, you don’t mention anything about taking her to any of these appointments or wait around with her (which would actually be more of an understandable aibu).

Yougotdis · 11/02/2019 12:44

Are you taking her to the appointments?

domton · 11/02/2019 12:46

Wow. I get fed up with my own appointments to a certain degree, but like your mum, I don't choose to have these conditions. She's just been told she has uterine cancer on top of everything else, and you don't want to take her to appointments? I doubt she wants you there either if that's how you feel ...put a different plan in place for her? Community ambulance booking, community taxi scheme, taxis, Red cross and st John's all have their part to play. Have you looked at them?

gamerchick · 11/02/2019 12:46

If it's because you're basically doing the appointments as well then it's understandable.

You can say no and give them a taxi service number. for a chunk of them to give you a break.

domton · 11/02/2019 12:47

Missed that. Please tell me you are moaning because you are taking her and not just because she has them?

Bluelady · 11/02/2019 12:49

So you're suggesting she just lies down and dies. Nice.

PortiaCastis · 11/02/2019 12:50

So your Mum has cancer and you're moaning, better hope you don't get it then as nobody is immune.

Original poster

Ceci03 · 11/02/2019 12:53

No I dont take her to many, hardly ever. she doesnt want me there. she doesnt want any 'support' yet gives out when you dont give it. I know, IABU. If I'm fed up she must be 100 times fed up. I suppose it's not the appointments so much as the dire relationship we have that is bugging me. I gave up on trying to have a good relationship years ago but she wants me to be 'involved' and yet loves telling me how she had to drive herself home from a particular test etc. and laying on the guilt. but when I offer she always says no. I know, it's just depressing basically.

OP posts:

FaithFrank · 11/02/2019 12:54

I hope you are just coming on here to moan so that you don't express those feelings to her.

She is probably tired of the appointments too. And in pain most of the time. And scared.

Original poster

Ceci03 · 11/02/2019 12:56

yeah I know FaithFrank. I feel like a useless human. Feel helpless I guess. Wish I was closer to her but it's impossible.

OP posts:

Sirzy · 11/02/2019 12:59

So what are you complaining about?

Ds is under about 10 teams, the appointments are relentless (and of course I have to go to them all!) but it keeps him alive so that’s handy!

PentreBachCymraeg · 11/02/2019 13:00

Guaranteed her 'fed upness' trumps yours by a million miles

dreamingofsun · 11/02/2019 13:07

cici is feeling bad about this situation and wishes she was closer to her mum. maybe a bit guilty....but then it takes two....so maybe not your fault things are as they are. she is feeling sad for something she would like and hasnt got - a close relationship with her parents. the ill situation has just brought this all home.

Butterflycookie · 11/02/2019 13:10

What the hell? You’re fed up? I’m sure your mother is fed up. I hate going to hospital appointments myself, especially all the waiting that you have to do. Even though she says she doesn’t want you to take her, maybe try insisting. Spend time with her, it’s not her fault she’s Ill

Laiste · 11/02/2019 13:11

I get it OP.

When you're not close to your parents and yet still have a fair amount of contact it's easy to end up feeling guilty and conflicted and generally shit about the whole thing.

You want to love them and care - like most do for their parents - but you can't turn those sorts of feelings on like a switch just because they're get old and ill if the feelings have never been there.

Better to rant on here OP.

LoadOfUtterBoswellocks · 11/02/2019 13:12

You can't really win, can you? Offer help which gets refused, then you get the huff because you haven't helped.

TheInnerVoice · 11/02/2019 13:12

Well, I can see why you’re not close, you sound a delight. .

Hopefully if she dies as per your request she’ll cut you out of her will as well....

NutElla5x · 11/02/2019 13:13

My mum has multiple illnesses too,including terminal cancer. I don't like hospitals (does anyone?) but I go to every one of her many hospital appointments because she needs me there,and I am just grateful that she is still around and also so grateful to the doctor's and nurses for helping to give her care, and as good a quality of live as possible. I can't believe you can be so callous when talking about your mum,even if you don't get on. You are basically wishing her dead ffs! Does she really deserve that much hate from you?

BeerandBiscuits · 11/02/2019 13:15

YANBU, you can't help how you feel.
As long as you don't say any of this to your mother, or suggest she stops treatment and gives up.

dreamingofsun · 11/02/2019 13:15

ignore the bad comments you are getting on here.....some people maybe havent experienced this stage of their parents life.....ive been watching from afar my IL's and its causing a lot of grief and friction for those around helping them. Lots and lots of appointments that take ages to get to, hanging around waiting and at no especially convenient times that fit in with your wider life. And it goes on and on. And you have things you have to do yourself and other people to support. Rightly or wrongly ill people can be quite selfish and focused on themselves too

Mysterycat23 · 11/02/2019 13:16

This is going to sound extreme but it helped me massively.

One day she will die. Think about how you will feel. What you will regret, feel relieved about, wish you'd done differently.

Take the results of that thought exercise and use it to inform your behaviour now.

No point getting to the end of it all and thinking "oh shit". It is hard. But you deserve better than a life of guilt and sadness.

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 11/02/2019 13:19

To be honest if you keep listening to her (she will need to share what's going on with someone) and offer to accompany her (even knowing she will say no) then you are supporting her appropriately, and you should give yourself credit for that.

You don't have to like it - it would be strange if you didn't feel weary and sad and start wondering what the hell is the point of all the endlessly proliferating appointments while she gets more and more infirm.

Having to deal with all that on top of an already weak relationship sucks, and you have my full sympathy .

Original poster

Ceci03 · 11/02/2019 13:19

ach I dont hate her. I suppose I'm thinking about my own old age. I'm single parent and I think I would prefer to just live out my life without hospital appointments. when does staying alive become more important than life. I know it may sound callous. I know it's not her fault she is sick. It's just going on so long. yeah and I dont want anything from my parents. let my perfect sisters have it - they think they are more deserving in any case. couldnt give a crap.

OP posts:

TheInnerVoice · 11/02/2019 13:19

But it’s not just a stage of life thing. There are lots of people who have multiple health conditions, and not all are age-related.

And let’s be honest, the OP isn’t actually there for her mother, she’s complaining that her mother has health conditions which means she (the mother not the OP) spends a lot of time going to hospital appointments. Presumably the OP has been blessed with perfect health thus far because if she had even an inkling of what going to multiple appointments must be like she wouldn’t be this bitter and wishing her mother dead.

Yes, I can see that for some they might reach a point of thinking that they don’t want to do it any more. but there’s a difference between understanding that people might think like that and thinking that they should.

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