to be fed up of mother's hospital appointments

[Ceci03]

so, my mother has multiple health issues - she was diagnosed with a heart condition about 2 years ago, so has regular check ups for that. she has a knee replacement which is becoming sore, so she has check ups for that - she had to have it re-done twice. she has a thing called alpha D which is like a chest/liver complaint, so regular checks for that. she had bell's palsy in her face, so has regular botox in her face for that, plus they want to do something about her eyelid which has gotten very droopy. she's just been diagnosed with uterine cancer, so she has a lot of tests to go to for that. she spends her life literally going to different appointments. this week she is at a different hospital every day. then there's my father's appointments too. Is there ever a time do you think where you just say 'enough is enough' and just live your life rather than spend it in hospital waiting rooms. Should say I dont have a good relationship with either of my parents. I@m just so tired of the drama and the hospital appts, and what was said or what needs to be done. I'm so tired of it. I guess I should feel more sorry for her but it's hard as I really feel nothing. Just thinking if I get to that stage I might be tempted to just stop going and 'let nature take it's course'. I hate hospitals :(

No there is never a time you 'give up' on your parents because of their health ( The same as you would never expect parents to give up on children beause of their health )

It is hard , Ive been there when my Dad got ill and then died , and now my mum is getting older and more frail . I would give anything to still have my dad with me .

Ceci judging by the list of illnesses and conditions, I suggest you post in Elderly Parents. There are lots of us there that understand and can suggest useful coping mechanisms. I agree with Mystery and would add that you will feel guilty no matter what you do, you just have to choose the least worst option for all concerned.

I bet your mother is fed up as well and it must be hard for all concerned however this is telling:
I gave up on trying to have a good relationship years ago but she wants me to be 'involved' and yet loves telling me how she had to drive herself home from a particular test etc. and laying on the guilt. but when I offer she always says no. I know, it's just depressing basically.

There's backstory here and those posters who have been bashing the OP don't know what it is. If OP's turns down her offer to drive her to the appointment and then starts laying on the guilt later, that is very unfair of her.
I remember my ex's mother going into hospital for a hip replacement. When he phoned to ask when we could visit she was horrible to him and told him to get lost. He tried a couple of times and every time she said she wasn't a little kid who needed visitors in hospital. So she didn't want us to visit but when she came out she spread it all around that we were horrible people because we hadn't visited her!
She has an extremely toxic relationship with her son and if you haven't experienced something like that you might not understand why the OP, who has a difficult relationship, might get fed up with the whole thing, especially the guilt-tripping.

I can't believe you can be so callous when talking about your mum,even if you don't get on.

Don’t guilt the op for not getting on with their parents. Not getting on with a parent is a very difficult and complex thing, people who generally have good/great relationships with them will never understand. The op is entitled to have negative feelings towards their parents, however that doesn’t take away from the fact that their mother can’t help being ill.

It reads to me like the OP is angry at these illnesses, making them feel guilty for not doing enough, not caring enough and all the ‘normal’ things a child should feel about their parents - that if their mother wasn’t ill it would be easier to not be involved in her life. I might be projecting, this is how I felt about my own parents, not wanting to be in their lives and yet a huge pressure from within and society to ‘care about your parents, because they’re your parents’.

I think you know YABitU but I do understand. I'm in a similar position with my DM, and it is exhausting physicallly and emotionally, for everyone concerned. But, I was also expected to take her to all her appointments, despite the fact that I live 2 hours away, run my own business and have a young family, where as my DBs live 5 minutes away, both have accommodating jobs and grown up children.

I took a step back a couple of months ago - in fact I rather lost the plot and said "no more" and that DBs would have to step up. Which they have done. It turned out that she wouldn't ask them as it was a daughter's "duty" to look after her DM at ALL times.

She had also convinced herself that she couldn't do anything, when in actual fact the doctor's had recommended that she get off the sofa and be gently active. She is actually better mentally, and physically now.

And, the phone conversations can be exhausting. Whilst I still listen on the phone, I don't let it get me down or wind me up. I just agree with everything she says, or ask what she thinks is best for her. This seems to work.

Sometimes, you just have to stand up and say "no", although you will get a kicking on here for it. But, if you can't rant here then where can you?

So, you have my understanding and sympathy, but it won't stop you feeling guilty.

if thats what you want to do if youwere in that situation fine-i would aswell but u cant tell others how to dealw ith their illnesses

if youve never had a great relationship then just try and keep low contact it will prob help

On a practical note, have you considered enrolling her for hospital transport? It's supposedly reserved for those who really can't get there under their own steam, but it might still be worth asking, even if it's just for when she gets worse

It might not stop the guilt-tripping and other unpleasant behaviour, but at least you'd know she had a reliable way of getting there

Most people are missing the point that the OP Doesn’t have a normal relationship with her parents. That makes all the difference. Sounds like no contact would be better.

Why aren’t your sisters more involved than you anyway, OP?

Ceci03 I think it's your mother's use of her appointments to lay on the guilt that you're sick of.

Its either misery loves company or full on fear, obligation and guilt, hard to tell, but as she says no when you offer to drive her but then lays on the guilt because she drove herself you absolutely cannot win.

It sounds as though you're your mother's emotional whipping boy.

Ceci i know exactly how you feel, i don't have a close relationship with my mum, massive back story, she hasn't helped her own health over the years, and in spite of giving shed lots of support all i get is 'i'll try that tomorrow' but there's always an excuse not to. won't go out AT ALL, she's been medically cleared of depression and various other related conditions.
it's very draining trying to help someone who totally resists on the one hand then moans about her health .it's like an alkie complaining because their liver has packed up,
many people on here won't be at the stage of an ageing parent yet so some will be a bit judgy, walk a mile in my shoes blah, blah.

one sister lives in another country and just comes back for 'holidays'. the other one says she does a lot - which means she gets her husband to do stuff. my mother would go to her more than me though, they would be a lot closer. my mother loves to tell me then how wonderful she is and how she came with her for the cancer diagnosis. I didnt know she was going and I was working anyway so couldnt have gone. Yeah it's hard for people who have great relationships to understand. It's true, I am angry at the illnesses as if she wasnt sick all the time I could stay away and not feel guilty. But I get sucked and guilted in all the time. By my father too. and my sisters. they are apparently "disgusted" with me. Ah it's all so twisted and difficult. hard to explain here. thx for listening though. I probably do need a 'wake up call' too - to just 'suck it up' and be more supportive. I feel like my own life with my kids is just slipping by though. Every weekend, every day there is 'something' and then I feel guilty if I dont go and see them or phone or whatever. My kids will be grown and gone and I feel like I'm missing out on them growing up cos all spare time is spent either helping my parents or feeling guilty for not helping more. IUKWIM.

When does staying alive become more important than life?

It's such an individual thing. My father reached a stage (he was in his 90s) when he felt like he had had enough and, paradoxically, was also afraid of death. He still kept going to all the hospital appointments and doing what the doctors said to do.

Sounds like a lot of appointments of which the uterine cancer ones are clearly the most important. Maybe she could discuss with her GP which of the other ones she could either stop completely or hold off until a plan re the cancer is sorted. The other specialists are unlikely to make decisions about their areas until there is a plan for that anyway (i.e util after surgery or chemotherapy is complete they probably won't decide about her knee or botox etc).
-(I'm a GP)

How old is she?

I get where you coming from OP.

My parents are similar. There's many times when they have appointments every day of the week at different hospitals. It must really suck for them I know. It was never really the appointments that bothered me, but the games that used to surround them. They'd say don't call to check, they'll call me then not call me until the next day and have a go because I didn't call - or I would call and they'd have a go that they've had a long day and are too tired to talk and they'd said not to call. Likewise the offer to be there for support, never accepted then later having a go because I'm never there.
The worst is where one tells me not to worry then the other one has a go because I haven't shown enough concern.

I realised there was no point in playing the game any more the day they called to have a go that I hadn't checked on them the previous day when I'd been having surgery myself. Apparently being under general anaesthetic and off my tits on morphine wasn't a good enough excuse.

After that I'd cut them off brusquely saying that if they'd wanted me to do x they shouldn't have said to not do x as I'm not psychic when they started.

Ultimately thanks to many reasons with behaviour like this I'm now VLC with them.

for you

it's hard for people who have great relationships to understand

You're right, it is - and I'm sorry about the widespread pasting you're getting on here. Sometimes it's worth remembering that an unpleasant person doesn't get a personality transplant when they get sick - they just become an unpleasant person with illnesses

Happily for everyone including him, my hideously abusive "father" went from independence to death in four days, but I witnessed what you're going through with my late, exMIL and it wasn't pretty

Even the most saintly person can get fed up with other people's (even your own parents'! hospital/doctor's appointments.

Unfortunately most people develop one condition or another as they get older. Some refuse to accept any frailty or decline and spend their life in pursuit of a "cure". I'm not talking about cancer, here, but general ageing stuff like aching joints, hearing loss, bunions etc etc. Some people become rather obsessed and it becomes their major topic of conversation. Combined with the loss of filter that also accompanies ageing so they don't realise how they're going on, and it combines to make their audience dread hearing about the latest ailment.

There is also the feeling with some people of being a bit important - a doctor listening, seeing a Mr So and So (consultant) and being issued with all sorts of prescriptions (drugs often never even taken).

My father had just died and all mil wanted to talk about was her appointment in three months' time with a consultant for nasal drip, of all things.

Any one of us could become OP's mum one day.

It can't be fun for her mum to have hospital appointments so frequently. I am sure there are lots of things OP's mum would like to do rather than be ill and attend hospital constantly.
In my family, there are genetic hereditary illnesses and I expect one day I will be all hospital appointments and not a lot of fun. It is not my ideal future. I will see it through

YANBU to feel worn down with the relentless nature of old age and illness. It’s hard even when you do have a good relationship but much harder when you don’t.

I agree that the appointments after a certain stage just seem like the medics are trying to plug a massive leaking with a small wine cork but once you get caught up in it as a patient it can be hard to look at it like that. She won’t want to be in pain or walk around with a droopy eye so keeps attending clinic after clinic to firefight the increasing problems. It’s shit for her and shit for you.

Luckily she doesn’t want or need you at many appointments but will need to de-brief I should think. Are McMillans involved because they can arrange for a nurse to visit and you Mum would be able to talk to her about her treatment?

Is there anything she is able to do at the moment that would distract her from her illnesses? Is she up to going on a short outing that might get her and you away from the perpetual ill vibe that will be surrounding you all? It’s hard op it really is.

My mum has lots of medical appointments, most of which I take her to. I used to do the same for my stepdad until he tragically died recently. I really wish he was still here so I could ferry him around a bit more.
Hospital and doctors appointments are a pain, but nobody wants to have them constantly. If I can make mum’s life a bit easier then I am happy to do so.

I understand. In your place, well its easy to say! I think i'd get clear on the number of weekly appts I could assist with, in an open-hearted loving way.
And direct Mum to alternative transport or help her set it up.
It is not a question of gratitude/ingratitude, it is about you living your life and giving what you can.
We are not all saints! Nor should we aim for sainthood.
If the guilt overwhelms you then maybe re-examine but dont forfeit your life and happiness.

She sounds a bit of a martyr, doesn’t want the help however passively aggressively moans to try and make you feel guilty. My parents are the same.

YABU

It’s one thing to think, my mums had enough, I’ll support her decision to stop. It’s another to just be fed up hearing about it.

She needs you to just be there for her. She’s obviously very gutsy to do all this basically by herself. And just needs you to lean on. Isn’t much to ask is it?

Isn’t much to ask is it?

It is if you don’t have a good relationship with your parents. Being there for someone out of obligation is extremely mentally draining, especially when it goes on for years.

Then this isn’t about her health, it’s about whether you want a relationship or not.

If you still feel that there is some kind of a relationship worth continuing, imperfect though it is, then she’s having a rubbish time, has cancer, and not long left so do be a shoulder for her.

If you feel that this isn’t a relationship that you want for other reasons, then you cut down or call it a day. You might want to talk to someone in rl as it’s very hard calling it a day if someone might not have long, it’s tricky and very emotional.