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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be hurt that he's embarrassed to share with me

17 replies

Dizzylin · 10/02/2019 20:38

DH suffers with depression and has done since our DD was born 8 years ago. He's recently taken up running which has done him the world of good.

He's been asked to write a piece for his club about how running has helped him and the mental health benefits that he's had.

I was just im his office asking if he's finished it, to which he replied, you're not reading it are you? (I could see the screen over his shoulder) I said no and he said good because I don't want you to. I asked why he didn't want me to read it, he said because it's embarrassing. I'm hurt that he feels that he still cannot open up to me, AIBU?

OP posts:

PietariKontio · 10/02/2019 20:41

You're not BU to feel hurt, but you would be to make him feel bad about it, or put pressure on him. Sometimes it's easier to admit what you see as 'weakness' to outsiders than it is someone you love and don't want to think less of you

Nothappy16 · 10/02/2019 20:43

I think reassure him that you’re proud of him for tacking it but the also being public about it. Then explain how you would like to read it. Completely get why your would feel like that though.

Nothappy16 · 10/02/2019 20:43

Also if he is embarrassed in front of you but not other people maybe that’s because you are the most important to him and he cares most what you think.

QuintadiMalago · 10/02/2019 20:45

No you're not BU to be hurt but I totally agree with Pietari's post.
It's much easier to open up to strangers than it is to tell people close to you.
Please try not to take it personally
It's amazing that he's been able to write a piece about his struggles. Good for him.

QuintadiMalago · 10/02/2019 20:46

Cross post but Not Happy is correct as well

cheeseislife8 · 10/02/2019 20:48

Please done take it personally. Imo it's not that he can't open up to you, but more that what you think and feel is obviously very important to him, and it is often easier to open up to strangers than to risk hurting someone we care so deeply about. I feel more vulnerable talking about my own MH to people I'm closest to

theveryhighlife · 10/02/2019 20:55

I'm so pleased to hear that your husband has found running helps.
Please don't be upset he feels embarrassed. It's much easier to do these things in front of people you don't know too well.

MrsDesireeCarthorse · 10/02/2019 21:32

I think you're being precious. This is something extremely difficult for him to do. He is not ready for you to read something so deeply personal right in front of him so you go to Mumsnet to say you're hurt...I can't imagine doing this to my husband when he was that ill with depression, it would have felt incredibly disrespectful.

Aridane · 10/02/2019 21:37

It's not.about,you,

Worsethingshappen · 10/02/2019 21:45

I also say please don’t take it too personally. My husband is great but I feel uneasy even if he’s reading a text or email that I am sending. I would be exactly the same as your husband in this situation. Not sure why this is exactly but please don’t feel it’s a problem with you.

ReanimatedSGB · 10/02/2019 21:46

Most people who write feel a bit squirmy about letting their close family and friends read what they have written. Basically, if the piece of writing is about the writer's personal traumas, quadruple that. Please don't push him on this. It's not about you.

AFistfulofDolores1 · 10/02/2019 22:12

I echo ReanimatedSGB - this is about him, not you. Try not to take it personally.

Travisandthemonkey · 10/02/2019 22:14

I agree it’s not about you
But you’re allowed to feel upset for a nano second.
Then just get over it and feel proud

Original poster

Dizzylin · 10/02/2019 22:14

Thank you for your kind replies. We have had a talk and I've told him he can talk to me anytime and that he doesn't need to feel embarrassed with me.

I am very proud of his achievements, he's come very far in the last few months.

OP posts:

sadeyedladyofthelowlandsea · 10/02/2019 22:38

It's lovely that you're so supportive and proud of him, and I can understand you feel a bit hurt that he's semingly happy to share his piece with complete strangers, but not with you.

It's a horribly squirmy feeling to share your writing with people who know you though - I HATE doing it! Much, much easier to share with people who don't know me at all.

Depending on how he feels, would creating some kind of blog help him with his depression? Perhaps something themed around how running helps him, or similar. That way you could read it easily, he would know you'd read it, and then it's between the two of you if you want to discuss it further (my DP quite often reads my blogposts and then comments anonymously. I still know it's him though ) Writing can be a really good way of getting things out that you don't feel comfortable talking about.

kateandme · 11/02/2019 04:25

writing bout yourself is horrible.writing and then showing someone is worse.depression also bring shame and embaressment especially to those you care about as the guilt over letting them down and the illness you have (wrongly but still) is huge.
and then there is the man thing.its still(wrongly again) sometimes seen as more shaming for a man to admit hes depressed.
give him time.tell him your proud of him and think hes bloody brave.then let him know you would love to read it or some of it if he felt safe ith that.no judgement.no questions just a proud dp reading her loved ones hard work

Patroclus · 11/02/2019 04:30

Its the same with any writer, its laying yourself completely open and those closest to you can see it all whereas relative strangers wont.

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