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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex MIL and kids

60 replies

Misscakes · 10/02/2019 18:08

Can I have your opinion?

I'm newly separated from husband, we have 2 boys, age 6 and 9.
I support financially 100% and get no maintenance from ex. I work FT and ex only has kids every other weekend. I have no family to help on my side. To say it's been a shock to the system is an understatement Sad

I suggested to MIL that she and her sister and daughter pull together and do one pick up a month each (which would give me one eve to go to evening work events). However she said no.

When I was with her son she was supportive and helped where she could, but now she is distancing herself. I have been there for her through various twists and turns in her life.

AIBU to just feel really let down? It's a 1 hour drive to my flat.. once a month should surely be doable.....

PS - her son now lives with her and pays no rent, CT, bills or food.

OP posts:
kitkatsky · 10/02/2019 18:11

She has to be on team son now. It's a different dynamic from when you were together. However badly he's behaving right now, she will take his side. It's not right but it is how it will be. No chance he would ask her to help?

Original poster
Misscakes · 10/02/2019 18:14

kitkatsky yes I can appreciate that. However the kids are her grandchildren - that is the part I can't quite understand.

OP posts:
TheSmallAssassin · 10/02/2019 18:16

Why is your ex not paying maintenance?

It's not your in-laws job to pick up the slack, a two hour round trip is a lot!

Your ex should pull his weight, either in time or money. I would get a babysitter in to do evenings instead.

Eliza9917 · 10/02/2019 18:16

Grandchildren, not children. Childcare is not her, your sil, or whoever else's responsibility.

Why can't the father do it?

BiddyPop · 10/02/2019 18:16

XDH should be paying maintenance.

The positive of that is that you can then source alternative childcare for those times you need to do other things.

Find a good teen for occasional nights, and hopefully there might be some option for collecting DCs on those times you need to do work things straight through normal
Pick up arrangements.

AnneLovesGilbert · 10/02/2019 18:17

Why aren’t you getting maintenance? Is ex not working? If he is theh go through the CSA. Unfortunately you can’t make ex, MIL or anyone have the DC and you wouldn’t them being where they aren’t wanted anyway. Can you swap babysitting with school parents or friends? If you can get maintenance you can pay for babysitting so you can go out.

RomanyQueen1 · 10/02/2019 18:17

You will be better off without having to rely on his family.
Just play her at her own game, distance yourself and the dc, from your pov. If your ex wants them to stay in touch he can facilitate this during his time.
Maybe mil is happy to see the kids eow.
Honestly, it might not seem like it now, but it's a blessing in disguise.

Eliza9917 · 10/02/2019 18:18

I suggested to MIL that she and her sister and daughter pull together and do one pick up a month each 'so I can go to work events'

I think this is cheeky fuckery. Arrange contact to facilitate a relationship with family but you can't expect childcare.

PotteringAlong · 10/02/2019 18:20

I suggested to MIL that she and her sister and daughter pull together and do one pick up a month each 'so I can go to work events'

When are you picking up SiL’s children? Or helping out ex-MiL?

user1493413286 · 10/02/2019 18:23

Do you do both the drop off on a Friday and pick up on a Sunday?

Original poster
Misscakes · 10/02/2019 18:23

I can't afford the childcare atm, however am looking to see whether I could get tax credits to pay some (however I hate dealing with them).

He can't do it as he's not got a flat in this area.

He can't pay CM if he's not earning anything.

Yes - I agree it shouldn't be their responsibility to pick up the slack, however I am sure they would if we were together.. and he wasn't around for another reason. Thats more my point.

OP posts:
kitkatsky · 10/02/2019 18:24

I agree with you OP! The children should be the priority but basically she's siding with her own kid right now, which however horrible he is, wed probably all do. The dynamic with the ex in laws changes remarkably during and after a break up. You're right that it's not fair and I don't think you're being unreasonable, but she's living in a house with someone who is likely telling her how awful you are 24/7, so consequently any request that benefits you will be declined. And to be absolutely honest, her picking up the kids benefits you more than them, so I sort of get why she'd say no, even though I understand your POV

user139328237 · 10/02/2019 18:24

Do you really think it is her sisters responsibility to look after her great nieces and great nephews?
YABVU and family should never be asked for regular childcare especially when it is not even close family or on your side.

user1493413286 · 10/02/2019 18:25

Although I’m assuming that if he’s not paying maintenance then he’s not working so wouldn’t be much to expect him to do both so that you can continue your career to pay for your sons

Original poster
Misscakes · 10/02/2019 18:26

Pottering - she has no kids. I have done a huge amount to help them in the past in all kinds of ways.

OP posts:
kitkatsky · 10/02/2019 18:26

Just one more note on him not having a job... if he's getting benefits he needs to pay maintenance out of them. It'll be a tiny, paltry amount, but go after it. Tho he sounds a lot like my ex who moved in with family and worked cash in hand. It has now been 5.5 years since I've had a penny but no point fighting as he leaves his job as soon as CMS catch up with him

Original poster
Misscakes · 10/02/2019 18:27

Thanks kitkatsky

OP posts:
user1493413286 · 10/02/2019 18:30

I would make the pick up and drop off his responsibility. DSDs mum doesn’t do lifts for DHs weekend so his parents help so that he can see his DD and so they can. If you put it across that you can’t continue to do it then you might see that they do help.

theworldistoosmall · 10/02/2019 18:31

If he isn't working then he needs to pull his finger out of his arse and be more involved.
Rather than getting them involved in collecting the children, how about suggesting that they convince him to be more involved. That he should be ashamed he is their dad after all and once a fortnight is a disgrace especially when he is sitting on his arse and not supporting them financially.

As a temp thing can you do some shared stuff with their mates? Someone picks up your dc's and at the weekend you have theirs for a few hours? I've done this in the past and it's worked because no-one took the piss.

LazyLizzy · 10/02/2019 18:32

YANBU it's like MIL has backed off from being a grandparent. Maybe her son is telling her not to help you out.

Any decent grandparent would be mortified that you were left to manage on your own financially and practically, while their son was failing to be a parent

It is not their responsibility but they should at least continue in the way they have helped out previously. They should want to help their grandkids.

itbemay1 · 10/02/2019 18:32

I don't think you are being unreasonable OP, I have a step child and my MIL used to take her to school and pick her up everyday because she loved seeing her and it helped her mum out. Your exmil is obviously siding with her son as per PP I wouldn't ask again in your position, they will realise how much they are missing out only seeing your Dcs twice a month. If your exdh was my son and I knew he wasn't contributing to his kids I would jump at the chance to be helpful, because that's the sort of family I myself have. Good luck to you.

Original poster
Misscakes · 10/02/2019 18:33

user139328237 I've read your comments, clearly you feel very strongly I shouldn't be asking for their help.
I do think this is a product of how we live these days. When we used to live in tribes, there would be more people that just the mother raising the children. I think it's sad that society has gone this way. Even a generation ago, we would have all lived far closer, so helping out with the children wouldn't be such an issue. Communities were far stronger.
PS - SIL is close family.

OP posts:
Aprilshowersarecomingsoon · 10/02/2019 18:34

That's crap op. When ds +dil split I continued to have dgs two nights a week. And 3 full days!!
Her loss imo.

You owe her fuck all from now on.
She sees the dc in exes time not yours.

Original poster
Misscakes · 10/02/2019 18:37

theworldistoosmall Yes am doing this now - thank god I've got lots of parent friends here and they're all very lovely and supportive. I'm super grateful for that. : )

OP posts:
Original poster
Misscakes · 10/02/2019 18:39

thanks itbemay1 I'm not going to ask her again.

OP posts: