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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex MIL and kids

60 replies

Misscakes · 10/02/2019 18:08

Can I have your opinion?

I'm newly separated from husband, we have 2 boys, age 6 and 9.
I support financially 100% and get no maintenance from ex. I work FT and ex only has kids every other weekend. I have no family to help on my side. To say it's been a shock to the system is an understatement Sad

I suggested to MIL that she and her sister and daughter pull together and do one pick up a month each (which would give me one eve to go to evening work events). However she said no.

When I was with her son she was supportive and helped where she could, but now she is distancing herself. I have been there for her through various twists and turns in her life.

AIBU to just feel really let down? It's a 1 hour drive to my flat.. once a month should surely be doable.....

PS - her son now lives with her and pays no rent, CT, bills or food.

OP posts:
Lollypop701 · 10/02/2019 18:39

Yanbu. I know they are siding with your ex , but if they want to maintain a relationship with the kids they should want to see them. It ‘might ‘ also help you but that’s not the main point! I suspect this won’t change so you will have to discount them Rbs. Good luck op

Original poster
Misscakes · 10/02/2019 18:41

Aprilshowersarecomingsoon thats so supportive of you - I hope to be like this when I am a granny.
I'm trying really really hard not to be bitter - it gets us nowhere in the long run (although it is hard!)

OP posts:
Original poster
Misscakes · 10/02/2019 18:43

lollypop they do want to see them - but only so often and on their terms - it's fair enough, I think I just needed to get it off my chest and hear some others opinions.

OP posts:
Thymeout · 10/02/2019 18:46

If my son had split up with my dil, I'd do everything I could to make up for him not supporting my gcs, and to be able to see them regularly. I think most mil's would want to do the same. One of the worrying things about having sons is that, if the parents split up, the dcs most often end up with their mothers and it's more difficult to maintain a bond in those circumstances. Whoever's to blame for the split, it's certainly not the children, and I wouldn't want them to lose their granny as well as their dad.

Original poster
Misscakes · 10/02/2019 18:50

Thymeout true - however they both know that I'd never stop contact with either dad or granny. They're always welcome to see the kids and my ex is welcome to co-parent. I totally understand where your coming from though.

OP posts:
WhoKnewBeefStew · 10/02/2019 18:54

Afraid she’s laying down her stall firmly in camp son (whilst it’s shitty but it’s life).

I also feel your pain. I work Ft and my ex has our dc eow Friday, school pick up and drops back Sunday. I too found it a shock. But I’ve now got a good reliable baby sitter and a nanny I can call on as and when I need to. I find relying on the generosity of others can be unreliable, and it’s far better, and easier to have someone you can pay. A professional who won’t let you down.

BertrandRussell · 10/02/2019 18:56

Why isn’t their father doing it?

Original poster
Misscakes · 10/02/2019 18:58

WhoKnewBeefStew absolutely - I agree. Trouble is I've never let a stranger look after my kids and am nervous about it. I'll have to sort something though.

OP posts:
Original poster
Misscakes · 10/02/2019 18:59

BertrandRussell he doesn't live in this area.

OP posts:
FredFlinstoneMadeOfBones · 10/02/2019 19:05

YANBU. I would always support my kids whatever what but that doesn't mean I'd automatically take their side andI'd never stop supporting ex partners with grandkids.

Aprilshowersarecomingsoon · 10/02/2019 19:06

Imo if they hold no value in their relationship with your dc better you know now.
They should have been appreciative you wanted to continue having a relationship with them.

RandomMess · 10/02/2019 19:08

If neither they nor the ex pick they DC up I guess they just won't see them then?

TriciaH87 · 10/02/2019 19:13

First i would contact child maintenance service to make his ass support his children. Secondly i would tell him rather than her that being an every other weekend dad is not good enough. Its not grandmas job to pick up your children but it is his so tell him you expect him to do so every other.... on the weeks he does not have his children.

Singlenotsingle · 10/02/2019 19:26

I agree with FredFlintstone. I help out with my dsd's children who live 8 miles away. If anything happened to their marriage, I wouldn't take sides. I'd still want to do school pickups, babysitting etc. Eight miles is easy, though.

CanILeavenowplease · 10/02/2019 19:29

I found it easier to have my friendships and my ex have his and it was more comfortable that there was no crossover. This meant I ‘let go’ a number of friendships and also his family, despite what had been an excellent relationship with his brother’s wife. She sent me a card about 6 months after he left me saying she was there if I needed her but by then it all felt wrong and I was busy trying to rebuild.

The problem with your MIL helping out is that she could choose to manipulate the relationship and cause you more problems than she helps solve for you. I would honestly just let her go. Hard now but probably for the best long term.

As an aside, there are no issues from a single parenting perspective that can’t be solved by throwing money at them! Although I recommend YouTube first!

RedPanda2 · 10/02/2019 19:49

I'd be mortified if this was my son and be encouraging him to pay and spend time with the children he made. It's outrageous. I really feel for you. However as an aunt I would not be doing any pick ups etc. I'd disown him as brother though.

Original poster
Misscakes · 10/02/2019 19:55

RedPanda2 yeah I would be doing the pickups if I were an auntie either - however if for only a short period of time, which it would be then I would help out.

OP posts:
Original poster
Misscakes · 10/02/2019 19:56

TriciaH87 I'd love for him to do this, but he doesn't live near here so he has nowhere to take them.

OP posts:
Original poster
Misscakes · 10/02/2019 19:58

CanILeavenowplease Youtube? Do you mean for single parent tips?

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 10/02/2019 20:02

As he lives with his mum she’s not nearby either so why would it be easier for her to help?

He sounds useless, you and your DC deserve better, but his mum’s made it clear she’s not willing to compensate for his failings.

Original poster
Misscakes · 10/02/2019 20:02

TriciaH87 CMS has been threatened as he's not paid anything for 8 months now. He's finally agreed, but the amount is low

OP posts:
Original poster
Misscakes · 10/02/2019 20:03

AnneLovesGilbert because she would take them to my flat. I don't want him in my flat at the moment.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 10/02/2019 20:22

Ahaa, sorry, hadn’t understood that and I see what you mean.

Interceptor999 · 10/02/2019 20:52

Is your ex working? If not why can he not pick his kids up? And as far as asking your MIL, just don't. If she cannot be bothered to put herself out for her DG then let her crack on.

CanILeavenowplease · 10/02/2019 21:07

No! For fixing toilet seats, leaking radiators, that kind of thing!