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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think I've been in a slightly abusive relationship but not realised it?

91 replies

CarlosCarlos · 10/02/2019 15:48

Been with DP for 3 years. We just had a baby together (3.5 months ago). He was lovely initially and is nice enough most of the time now.

Things I've realised aren't quite right:

  • his ex cheated on him and he still refers to her as a slut and a whore 4 years later
  • if I do something slightly wrong he gets angry and talks to me like I am a child
  • he wants me to pay for 50% of everything whilst unpaid on maternity leave
  • he bitches about me to his friends (his drunk friend slipped up and told me this)
  • he is tight with money and will not spend on me (not even for my birthday)
  • when DS was 2 weeks old, I was 15 minutes late back from somewhere and he had DS. It was somewhere I HAD to be. He said if I didn't get home NOW he was giving DS formula and there was nothing I could do about it.
  • he gets angry easily. I am treading on eggshells all the time and am scared to confront him about most things.
  • he has never helped at night with DS (not once)
  • I was talking today about how it's hard to get back in to exercise after having a baby and he said 'yeah it's easy to get lazy'
  • he's pointed out how my thighs have got bigger

My friend thinks this is abuse. I'm not so sure. Maybe he's just not nice.

Sorry to start so many different threads. I am in a weird place and desperate for advice. I'm considering moving 3 hours drive away from him but I feel extremely guilty taking his tiny son so far away.

I feel so confused. Naive. Like I'm making such poor life decisions. Is the above really abuse?

OP posts:
memorial · 10/02/2019 15:49

Slightly abusive??

Original poster
CarlosCarlos · 10/02/2019 15:50

@memorial I've never ever though of myself as suffering from abuse.

OP posts:
MrsTWH · 10/02/2019 15:51

I think it’s emotional and financial abuse, yes. The constantly walking on eggshells so as not to upset him is no way to live. He’s never bought you a single present in the time you’ve been together? He expects you to pay 50% of everything on unpaid maternity leave? That’s not right.

Does he also make you feel guilty for going out of the house without him? Does he talk negatively about your friends or family?

Whether it’s abuse or not, it’s no way to live. He’s not a nice person is he?

Duchessgummybuns · 10/02/2019 15:52

nothing slight about it, he’s abusive

Aprilshowersarecomingsoon · 10/02/2019 15:52

Would you want your ds in a relationship where he was walking on egg shells?
Time to leave op..
Now is the best time to get your precious tiny baby away.
Volatile men around babies doesn't always end well op.

Catscratchclub · 10/02/2019 15:52

I was the same - it’s the boiled frog analogy. You don’t notice the abuse ramping up as it happens gradually.

I started MANY threads on here where people were very kind and pointed out to me he was absolutely abusive, but I needed to see it in black and white over and over to truly believe it.

So, for the record, yes - it sounds horribly abusive and like a horrible relationship. I hope you can start to see that too, and start making plans to leave Flowers

Original poster
CarlosCarlos · 10/02/2019 15:53

@MrsTWH some of it I don't think he has any tact. Says stupid things. But no it's not. Part of me knows that moving away would be the best possible thing for me and my son. I just don't think I will because I'm so stuck and feel guilty. Guilt is a horrid, horrid emotion. It's entirely pointless but so consuming.

OP posts:
AnoukSpirit · 10/02/2019 15:54

How many threads have you posted about this today?

Yes, he is abusive.

If you're not sure, take yourself on the Freedom Programme and they'll help you understand.

Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

CalmDownPacino · 10/02/2019 15:54

He isn't slightly abusive, he's totally abusive. He sounds like an absolute bellend. Honestly, life is too short. LTB.

beeyourself · 10/02/2019 15:54

Yes. Emotional & financial abuse, bullying behaviour. You can see it as him not being nice if you want, but either way I'm not sure he'll change. I'd leave for just one of those things you listed.

SuperLoudPoppingAction · 10/02/2019 15:55

He is already using your child against you eg threatening to do things with your DS that go against your way of parenting.
It is very unlikely to improve.
Try calling women's aid and talking it all through.
He's abusing you.

FiveRedBricks · 10/02/2019 15:55

Get your documents in order over the next 24hrs, somehow without him noticing.
Wait for him to go to work.
Throw 5 outfits in a bag and some shoes as soon as he is likely to arrive at work (so no risk of him returning).
Throw 10 changes of clothes in for baby.
Pack your laptop, chargers, headphones and a couple of books.
Withdraw or transfer as much cash as you can if he has access to the account or if he can somehow cancel your card.
Pack and get in the car calmly - or book a taxi to get to the station.
Leave.
Go to your parents like you've mentioned.
He is abusive.
He will not let you leave and will gaslight you if he even gets a sniff of it.

MrsTWH · 10/02/2019 15:55

You don’t need to feel guilty, you deserve to feel happy and loved and cared for.

Merryoldgoat · 10/02/2019 15:56

I read your other thread where you described him as a great dad.

He’s not.

He abuses his child’s mother and doesn’t actively parent. I’d like to know how he’s a good dad by any measure.

Wait until he’s out, pack up your stuff and GO.

FiveRedBricks · 10/02/2019 15:57

How guilty will you feel op if your grows up witnessing the way his father is, or worse turns in to him. Think of it that way. This about your son and you. Not your hopefully soon ex.

Original poster
CarlosCarlos · 10/02/2019 16:01

@AnoukSpirit I'm sorry. I know I've posted a lot.

OP posts:
AwsomeName · 10/02/2019 16:04

I'm sorry op! Its horrible when you realise you are in an abusive relationship

Aeroflotgirl · 10/02/2019 16:05

Bloody hell he is awful op, nasty and abusive. I am shocked, DH is not perfect, totally undomesticated and lazy at times.

Original poster
CarlosCarlos · 10/02/2019 16:09

I don't think he knows he's being abusive. Is that common? If he knew how horrible he was to me it would be easier but trying to convince him his behaviour is wrong is a lost cause. He thinks I'm sensitive and that's what he throws at me whenever I confront him.

OP posts:
DawgLover · 10/02/2019 16:10

What you've described: the finances, the temper, the demands, the digs all do sound abusive when you step back and look at the bigger picture.

But what I would say in any case is whether its abusive or not, it's always ok to say I'm not happy here. I want out.

A relational doesn't have to be abusive to justify ending it, you don't need to justify leaving.

Being 3 hours away doesn't mean all contact has to cease - it just means that you arrange pick up/drop off times, meet for visits halfway etc. If hes the dad you say he is this shouldn't stop him seeing his son.

Go to your parents, if nothing else to get some space to think your next steps through and be somewhere comforting and supportive whilst you do it.

CalmDownPacino · 10/02/2019 16:11

Of course he knows he's doing it. Don't fall into the trap of minimising. Does he speak to people at work like that? I'll guess no. So it's deliberate.

RandomMess · 10/02/2019 16:11

He believes he is entitled to treat you and DS however he likes...

Run for the hills, go as soon as you safely can Thanks

Original poster
CarlosCarlos · 10/02/2019 16:14

@CalmDownPacino no and my point is always 'would you talk to me like that in front of my dad'

He never answers but he knows he wouldn't. So he must know he's wrong?

OP posts:
Lllot5 · 10/02/2019 16:14

He knows full well what he is doing he is abusive and he will not stop he will only get worse. You need to leave for your child’s benefit if not for yours.

justforthisnow · 10/02/2019 16:15

He knows EXACTLY what he is doing.
Run now and run fast.

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