to think I've been in a slightly abusive relationship but not realised it?

[CarlosCarlos]

Been with DP for 3 years. We just had a baby together (3.5 months ago). He was lovely initially and is nice enough most of the time now.

Things I've realised aren't quite right:

• his ex cheated on him and he still refers to her as a slut and a whore 4 years later
• if I do something slightly wrong he gets angry and talks to me like I am a child
• he wants me to pay for 50% of everything whilst unpaid on maternity leave
• he bitches about me to his friends (his drunk friend slipped up and told me this)
• he is tight with money and will not spend on me (not even for my birthday)
• when DS was 2 weeks old, I was 15 minutes late back from somewhere and he had DS. It was somewhere I HAD to be. He said if I didn't get home NOW he was giving DS formula and there was nothing I could do about it.
• he gets angry easily. I am treading on eggshells all the time and am scared to confront him about most things.
• he has never helped at night with DS (not once)
• I was talking today about how it's hard to get back in to exercise after having a baby and he said 'yeah it's easy to get lazy'
• he's pointed out how my thighs have got bigger

My friend thinks this is abuse. I'm not so sure. Maybe he's just not nice.

Sorry to start so many different threads. I am in a weird place and desperate for advice. I'm considering moving 3 hours drive away from him but I feel extremely guilty taking his tiny son so far away.

I feel so confused. Naive. Like I'm making such poor life decisions. Is the above really abuse?

Thanks for pointing that out @starzig

It's irrelevant whether he thinks or knows he is abusive.
There is no point in trying to discuss it with him because he won't suddenly realise and change. He would need lots of therapy and want to change.
He doesn't show you respect or real love. You deserve better but it's you that has to realise that and I'm afraid you won't get either from him.

He knows he's doing it. His mindset may not be 'Bahaha, I'm going to treat her like shit because I'm Mr Evil', but it's unhealthy and damaging. The root of his behaviour is more likely to be a fundamental, unbreakable belief that women are not, really, people. That a man's female partner is something like a cross between a domestic appliance and a pet; that women have to be trained to know their place, so commands, hitting, etc are justifiable.

Best advice early on in thread - get some clothes, get some baby clothes, get your documents, go to your parents house, never go back. Sounds ideal. He is text book abusive and you are text book in denial. Please don't do this to yourself or your baby.

There's nothing slight about that. He's a shitbird.

If he knew how horrible he was to me it would be easier but trying to convince him his behaviour is wrong is a lost cause.

Maybe , maybe not. I'm so sorry, @CarlosCarlos

It's possible that he enjoys being in control, the feeling of power having you tip toe round him.

It really doesn't matter, it's up to you to say this is not how I want my baby to live and get out.

So he must know he's wrong?
He must Know he is wrong, but he still looks for women who will let him behave like this. It may make him feel like a bigger person.

Either way, don't be that person who lets him get away with it. Run, OP run for the hills and be glad you have a family to take you in.

Please save your child and get the fuck out.

I feel like he would never see it as abuse

He never will, and that doesn't matter. You don't need his permission to call it abuse; he doesn't have to sign off on it. A year after I left my abusive boyfriend he wrote me a letter apportioning blame for his behaviour to me, in bullet points; the most he would accept was, bizarrely, he had "drunk too much coffee and eaten too many M&Ms for energy" which had led to his abuse. (?!) It doesn't matter that he doesn't see it, what matters is I'm safe now and far away from him.

As previous posters have advised, get yourself out, safely. Cash, passport & other vital documents, a few clothes, baby things, phone. Go somewhere safe. Don't give him any hint of what you're about to do. Things – toiletries, cookware, clothes, whatever – can be replaced.

@limensoda says it perfectly.

That fact that you and his daughter are both 'walking on eggshells' is really disturbing. You don't need to educate him or get his permission to have some kind of amicable agreement about this. He may have moments where he is nice now and then - people aren't like cartoon characters. It's complicated. Ultimately is this the life you want for you and your son.

You know what you need to do. Trust your instincts.

Why do I feel so guilty even thinking of moving away? I'm scared he will have my son on his own too

Christ it makes me want to weep when I read this sort of post. OP run! Yes, he's abusive. Be very careful, get everything ready and say nothing until you actually get out xxx

@starzig piss off. The poster does not need nasty judgemental posts like that.
OP just go . You cannot change this man. He has a record of previously abussive behaviour towards his other child. Go to your parents. It doesn’t matter how many times you post if it helps to work through this. 💐

My ex boyfriends friend from when I was a teen used to call his mother a stupid bitch. He learned it from his dad. Do you want to be like his mum? Your 17 year old son and your partner calling you a stupid bitch?? Leave as soon as you can for both you and your son.

"Why do I feel so guilty even thinking of moving away? "

Ummmm... who cares?

The only question that needs answering is, When and how will I move out?

Everything else is you piling layers of bullshit between yourself and the only responsible solution.

You can do it, OP. Stop questioning IF you should go, and start making it happen. I know it must seem impossible, but you really can do this. And your life will be so much better for it.

I feel like such a failure.

You are not a failure. You got unlucky with your choice of man. End it. Protect yourself and your baby.

@TestingTestingWonTooFree I'm scared I won't leave and will end up living round the corner. It's selfish but I'm scared if I move back to my parents that my baby will end up being with his dad eow. Would they do this with a breastfed baby?

Of course they wouldn't!

Dear OP your partner is definitely abusive. Ask yourself are you frightened of him? Do you have to change your daily routines to please him? If you answer yes to both of those then the police can prove coercive control.

The biggest thing about abusers is that they make you think it is you not them. Unfortunately having a baby is a big risk factor in abusive relationships because it's no longer all about him.

Get some help I beg you things will only get worse. See links below. Speak to your midwife or health visitor.

www.womensaid.org.uk/

24-hour National Domestic Violence
Freephone Helpline
0808 2000 247

Even if he wasn’t abusive and is ‘just not very nice’ why would you stay with someone who isn’t nice?

"Nice enough most of the time"? It doesn't sound like it. He sounds like a complete prick. I will add to that - very emotionally and financially abusive. I say that as someone who was diagnosed with ptsd after an emotionally abusive relationship. Please find a way to get out, this behaviour will only break you down bit by bit until you think he's the best you deserve and you're grateful to have him.

I'm fairly certain you're protected in law if EBF. Some babies don't take a bottle.

Also, preventing a mother from breastfeeding is classed at sexual abuse certainly under Vera Baird's operation Encompass.

This is bona fide abusive behaviour

And this is a safeguarding issue for your child. He's not being physically abusive but there's other elements of abuse here:

http://ponthigh.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2012/11/Operation-Encompass-PHS-Briefing-17.05.08.pdf

Obviously this is one area in the uk but the document is really useful for spelling out what is classed as abuse and why it's important to deal with it to safeguard children.

I agree with all others. Abusive, not just slightly.

You can't really be slightly abusive or "very" abusive as any amount of abusive is completely unacceptable. But this isn't some sort of minor end of the scale. He's financially and emotionally abusive. Using your child against you is especially bad.

Get out right now OP and don't look back!

You aren't a failure. If you can get out of an abusive relationship you have achieved something most can't manage.