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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think I've been in a slightly abusive relationship but not realised it?

91 replies

CarlosCarlos · 10/02/2019 15:48

Been with DP for 3 years. We just had a baby together (3.5 months ago). He was lovely initially and is nice enough most of the time now.

Things I've realised aren't quite right:

his ex cheated on him and he still refers to her as a slut and a whore 4 years later
if I do something slightly wrong he gets angry and talks to me like I am a child
he wants me to pay for 50% of everything whilst unpaid on maternity leave
he bitches about me to his friends (his drunk friend slipped up and told me this)
he is tight with money and will not spend on me (not even for my birthday)
when DS was 2 weeks old, I was 15 minutes late back from somewhere and he had DS. It was somewhere I HAD to be. He said if I didn't get home NOW he was giving DS formula and there was nothing I could do about it.
he gets angry easily. I am treading on eggshells all the time and am scared to confront him about most things.
he has never helped at night with DS (not once)
I was talking today about how it's hard to get back in to exercise after having a baby and he said 'yeah it's easy to get lazy'
he's pointed out how my thighs have got bigger

My friend thinks this is abuse. I'm not so sure. Maybe he's just not nice.

Sorry to start so many different threads. I am in a weird place and desperate for advice. I'm considering moving 3 hours drive away from him but I feel extremely guilty taking his tiny son so far away.

I feel so confused. Naive. Like I'm making such poor life decisions. Is the above really abuse?

OP posts:

Annonymiss123 · 10/02/2019 16:15

he gets angry easily. I am treading on eggshells all the time and am scared to confront him about most things

This is enough. You shouldn’t have to live in fear.

Don’t feel any guilt for leaving. You deserve better. x

Original poster

CarlosCarlos · 10/02/2019 16:16

I feel like he would never see it as abuse and if I accused him of that I would be made to look stupid and nobody would believe me.

OP posts:

Butterymuffin · 10/02/2019 16:18

But everyone here believes you, and we haven't even met you. You would be surprised how many people will say, once you finish with him 'To be honest, I always thought he wasn't very nice to you'.

teainthemorning · 10/02/2019 16:19

Jeez op, why oh why are you with him ? He's abusive towards you and it won't be long before he's the same with your child.
What will you do when he starts to mistreat your son ?
Make more excuses for him ?
He's nasty, full stop.

Original poster

CarlosCarlos · 10/02/2019 16:19

I want to talk to his ex. She likely understands. But I think it would get back to him so I won't.

OP posts:

Original poster

CarlosCarlos · 10/02/2019 16:20

His daughter is scared of doing anything wrong around him but again I just thought he was a strict dad. I feel so incredibly stupid.

OP posts:

NeurotrashWarrior · 10/02/2019 16:20

He thinks I'm sensitive and that's what he throws at me whenever I confront him.

This is gaslighting. Victim blaming. He should listen to you if you say youre unhappy about something and discuss: refrain from doing it.

It's not a little bit abusive, there's many red flags.

Do as advised here. And do the freedom programme.

Catscratchclub · 10/02/2019 16:21

Carlos I felt the same, that I could see my ex’s actions from his point of view - he locked me in the house once till I threatened to call the police, and he genuinely feels that he was okay in doing that because he loves me and wanted us to finish talking and for me not to leave mid-argument.

Thing is as someone pointed out to me, it doesn’t matter how they justify it, or that they think it’s okay. You don’t have to live like that, you can choose that it’s not how you want to bring your child up. Even if they think they are acting in your best interests, you get to decide if that’s what YOU want.

I left in the end because my son heard us fighting and was gutted and scared by it. Don’t let it get to the point I did. Look st your child and picture the kind of environment you want for them to be brought up in. Be strong for them if you can’t for yourself

Springwalk · 10/02/2019 16:22

Carefully make your plans to leave. You know none of this is any good for you or the baby. He has a very low opinion of women including you. Things will never improve.

NeurotrashWarrior · 10/02/2019 16:23

You're not stupid.

I couldn't see some inequalities and slightly arsey behaviour in my dh till it was spelt out to me. It wasn't like anything you've described here though. And the difference is that he changed those imbalances in the dynamic of our relationship.

Knittedfairies · 10/02/2019 16:28

There is nothing slightly abusive about this relationship; it is abusive.

NeurotrashWarrior · 10/02/2019 16:28

Skimming some of your other threads - I'd strongly suggest going to your family. Looking after a small baby is tough and even tougher sometimes if you're ebf esp if he's not supportive. This will be so much better for your mental and physical health.

Mummyoflittledragon · 10/02/2019 16:33

Don’t feel stupid. Use that energy to get you and your dd away from this horrid man.

Shoxfordian · 10/02/2019 16:40

Yes he's abusive
He shouldn't be talking to you like that

FiveRedBricks · 10/02/2019 16:41

OP you've just been told you are in an abusive relationship. You are making excuses and trying to rationalise his behaviour. He knows he is being abusive. He knows. They always do.

For the love of god and for your child please do not make any more excuses and realise you need to leave as soon as possible.

Iggly · 10/02/2019 16:45

Even if he wasn’t abusive, surely you deserve better..... why set the bar so low?

Him agreeing that he’s abusive changes nothing. A part of you knows the problem.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 10/02/2019 16:47

I've never ever though of myself as suffering from abuse.

That is because you are so used to it , it has become normalised to you. It's like saying "I've never thought of myself as breathing air". He has treated you so badly for so long that it has become you way of life - I don't doubt it started off as a subtle. minor thing, and has gradually become all-pervading.

When you are out of this, and away from this horrible man, you will gradually realise how very badly he treated you - and you don't deserve it.

You - and your baby - deserve much more from life than the lickings of this twunt's plate!

diddl · 10/02/2019 16:48

All else aside, why would you stay with someone who has never spent money on you?

timeisnotaline · 10/02/2019 16:50

His poor daughter. That will be your baby if you don’t leave. Your baby’s right to grow up without being abused and controlled by her dad is much more important than his right to stay living with you and baby. Just go, you absolutely do not have to and can’t get him to agree. If your dad is supportive go to his.

starzig · 10/02/2019 16:51

You're a bit late deciding this now. You should have realised this shortly after meeting him or st the very least 12.5 months ago before getting pregnant.

ltk · 10/02/2019 16:53

OP, why do you care whether he considers himself abusive? Why is his opinion on the matter any concern at all?

He is an arsehole. Do you want to keep sharing your life with an arsehole? You don't need to convince him that he's an arsehole, or abusive, or anything else. You don't need to prove it to him, or get his approval. You don't need to get his ex's thoughts on the situation.

You just need to leave.

Singlenotsingle · 10/02/2019 16:53

It doesnt matter how many new threads you start on here, OP, we aren't going to change our opinions or advice. FiveRedBricks is absolutely right, just pack your stuff up and leave with the baby, just as soon as dp is out of the way, and it's safe to do so.

goldengummybear · 10/02/2019 16:55

Its more than slightly abusive OP. Not so bad that he'd end up in prison but if my dd was in your situation, I'd be devastated.

NeurotrashWarrior · 10/02/2019 16:57

Just use the list you've put in the op. Show your family. No need to talk about it.

At the absolute best it's not a 'healthy' relationship. So why stay?

It's definitely an abusive one though. A few of my friends have had partners who commented on size of body etc and not one relationship improved or remains. And that's without the rest you've described.

He's financially abusive.

Nunya · 10/02/2019 17:00

Of course trying to convince him his behavior is wrong is a lost cause....because he KNOWS what he is doing! Don’t be fooled into thinking that he isn’t aware of his behavior. Sounds like he is well aware and in control of everything. You said you feel so guilty. What do you have to feel guilty about? Don’t apologize for posting a lot either. There’s nothing wrong with that. It’s being pointed out to you because you’re saying you’re not sure if the abuse you are enduring is really abuse or not, yet you clearly know that it is NOT right or ok because you have posted about it several times. It is the boiled frog analogy because you don’t notice the gradual increase of abuse & bad behavior until you are in the middle of it. You said you know the best thing to do for you and your son is to leave yet you probably won’t because you feel stuck and guilty. Guilt is a useless emotion in this situation because he is actively trying to make you feel guilty (and “stuck”, you are not!) so that you will stay and put up with whatever he decides to dish out. If he knows you feel this way then he is more than likely using that to keep you in place. Walking on eggshells, threatening to bottle feed your breastfeeding 2week old son just because you weren’t there when he decided you needed to be, being afraid to confront him on most things, and then the ridiculous expectation that you can pay for half of everything for your baby while on unpaid maternity leave, all of these things you’ve mentioned sounds like you are in an abusive relationship to me.

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