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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder how bad a third child at 40 would be?

111 replies

Phuquocdreams · 10/02/2019 10:47

Had risky sex yesterday and my Fitbit tells me I’m ovulating today. Whoops. Contemplating heading out for the morning after pill now but part of me is thinking ah well I’ll deal with that if it happens...
Older two are 6 and 2.5. Looking forward to the youngest being out of nappies and having a bit more freedom - and lower childcare bills. And more relaxed holidays. And sleeeeepppp....
And having time to myself at 55 rather a recalcitrant teen. So should I be hot footing it to a chemist

OP posts:
Dowser · 10/02/2019 13:38

My friend is pregnant with her third at 40 and already has her fourth baby’s name picked out.
She maintains that two close together, there’s a year between first two ( 6 and 5) bring each other up
Funny I didn’t notice that...three under 4 and a 1/2

JustDanceAddict · 10/02/2019 13:40

At 40 mine were 9 & 7 so no way.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 10/02/2019 13:43

I took the map aged 40 would have been my 4th if viable. I’ve always regretted it. Yours are young, and I’d go for it.

Only you can decide. It’s too personal.

saoirse31 · 10/02/2019 13:46

Only you can decide but seems to me you and dh are happy to go ahead! Best of luck whatever you decide. Tbh, I'd ignore the 3 children always fight, one left out et , not always true. Every family different!!

fairislecable · 10/02/2019 13:51

You need to bear in mind the chance of multiple births increases as you age (or so I was told).

My “third” child was twins!

Wallabyone · 10/02/2019 13:59

I think you sound as though you do want a third. Your age gaps are fine. I've got 6.5, 4 and 4 months. They are brilliant together and I love having them. Good luck whatever you decide x

Soontobe60 · 10/02/2019 14:11

Try to imagine, 19 years in the future, paying university fees for at least 2 children, having teenagers still living at home when you're in your late 50s, having grandchildren when you're in your 89s and not being able to look after them.

Member984815 · 10/02/2019 16:51

When I'm 40 my oldest will be 22 and youngest will be 12 there is no way I would want to go back but with yours being the age they are I would go for it

Saharafordessert · 10/02/2019 17:02

At 40 my youngest of 3 is 9.....more children is more st definitely not an option for me!

redandyellowandpinkandgreen99 · 10/02/2019 17:05

Had my 2 in my mid to late 20's - they were teens by the time I was 40. No way in HELL would I have had another at 40.

No.

WAY.

HTH.

Xmasbaby11 · 10/02/2019 17:08

At 40 mine were 2 and 4 so not dissimilar to yours. No way would I have wanted a third! Not a chance.

They are 5 and 7 now, seem to cost just as much and take just as much attention and energy as when younger - albeit in a different way. Very happy we stopped at 2!

MatildaTheCat · 10/02/2019 17:15

The most concerning aspect of this is your previous gender disappointment. Can you absolutely say you don’t mind at all either way? Feeling disappointed in a baby is awful even though you can’t help your feelings.

One of the deciding factors in not having a third for me was that I knew I’d be sad if I didn’t have a child of the other sex ( I was delighted to have two the same though).

birdiewoof · 10/02/2019 17:24

I have found going from 2 to 3 hard work.... however that might be because my there was almost 9 years between second and third 🤣

MrsJBaptiste · 10/02/2019 17:25

my Fitbit tells me I’m ovulating today

Am I the only one who can't believe that a Fitbit tells you this? Do people who aren't TTC actually know (or give a shit) when they're ovulating? 😮

Original poster
Phuquocdreams · 10/02/2019 19:32

I know I know Matilda and I am worried that part of this is sub-consciously not accepting I won’t have the other sex. I agree it’s terrible for a little baby to be a disappointment, I hadn’t known last time how much I must sub-consciously have been wanting the opposite sex because it took me by surprise. I felt terribly guilty and promised myself I would never have a third, risking him being the overlooked middle child on top of my terrible thoughts when he was born (I have ishoos from my childhood)...I have been thinking very hard all day about 3 little boys.
Well I thought I had made my decision to go and get the pill but my dh’s Ok sounded so disappointed that I’m afraid it stalled me. Running out of time now.

OP posts:
Original poster
Phuquocdreams · 10/02/2019 19:36

It’s scary the things a Fitbit knows! I thought it would be useful to know when my periods coming and once you start recording that data it just automatically tells you when you’re fertile window is. I thought I was coming to the end of mine only to check today and see it say ovulation day. I have had a twinge in my stomach today and have also been feeling quite libidinous the last few days so I think it’s accurate enough (even had a dirty dream about the Irish Taoiseach which was seriously disturbing. That’s maybe TMI).

OP posts:
Original poster
Phuquocdreams · 10/02/2019 19:37

Your not you’re fertile window obviously

OP posts:
Mari50 · 10/02/2019 19:37

Wouldn’t be bad at all - if you want another child!
A couple of friends of mine had their third child at 40, one couple had a tiny gap, the other had a decade gap. Both are crazy about their youngest and no regrets for a minute.

Lavenderdays · 10/02/2019 21:00

I have 3 (all the same sex). I had my third just shy of 44, wasn't exactly planned but really wanted.

There are always pros and cons to everything - having dc's early, having dcs late etc. I have reasonably large gaps between my children (middle dc is infant school age, eldest a teen), so yes went back again and again

I am finding the adjustment from 2 - 3 dcs difficult (mainly trying to give all attention) and yes the extra workload has ramped up in terms of washing etc, ensuring each child can pursue their interests etc. I look around and me and all of my friends have children now 8 years + and so are able to do more things and I do get a twinge of envy sometimes.
BUT if you asked me would I be without my littlest dc, the answer would be no. I think this is a bit of turning point for you. I never expected to have a child past 40 and probably if I could turn back time, I would have had all my dcs in my 30's but it is what it is. You have a relatively small age gap, so although you would have two littlies, you wouldn't be going all the way back again. Just be prepared, you may end up with 3 of the same sex...I know several people with 3/4/5 children all the same sex.

WindsfromtheNE · 10/02/2019 21:08

You still have a little time to decide if you went for a copper coil or ellaOne as emergency contraception. The copoer coil is the more effective.

Mumstheword1987 · 10/02/2019 21:33

I'm 31 my dp is 33 we have a 2 year old a 11 month old and I'm 37 weeks pregnant we're permanently exhausted 3rd baby was not planned and found out really late how ever we wouldn't change things I would probably have another baby in the future but not until my others was all older altho the latest I would leave it to have my last baby is 37 in your position you don't even know your pregnant yet I wouldn't say it was A bad thing but I do think it gets harder as you get older with tiny people

ivegotthisyeah · 10/02/2019 21:36

I have three 9,6 and 2! Perfect age gap and the love they have for their little brother is adorable he's come on leaps and bounds with two big sisters I am a little younger 38, and thought long and hard about a third and did the if it happens it happens! So glad it did!
But the kids dad is an arsehole so I'm doing it solo but they are so much fun

Nothinglefttochoose · 10/02/2019 22:29

Doable but hard work. I can’t imagine having a child at 40 to be honest. I always the “so when they are 30, I’ll be 70” thing in my head. To old in my opinion.

Jamhandprints · 10/02/2019 22:41

I have ds 7 and ds 5 and had my beautiful surprise DD last year aged 39. I was so worried about the sleepless nights but it's bliss and she is a dream baby. She sleeps better than her brothers do. Go for it! :-)

thisonebreath · 10/02/2019 22:43

I'm 41 and have a 10 yo, 8yo and 5 month baby. It's great, I'm so much more relaxed about it all, enjoying maternity leave, the older ones love her. I'm used to broken sleep do even that's ok. So far there aren't any downsides. I also have 3 DDs and most people assume we went for a third to have a boy. We didn't, we just wanted a third child.

Only you know if you really want a third or if you're just a bit freaked at facing the possibility of no more.