31 weeks pregnant and drunken DP again

[NC2737381]

Posted here for traffic as I’m so annoyed..

Me and my DP have been together for 8 years and have DC1 on the way, I’m currently 31 weeks pregnant. I’m 27 and he’s 31. We both have good jobs, a mortgage etc but aren’t married yet (joint decision)

We were TTC to conceive for around a year before I fell pregnant. We were both over the moon. Since I’ve found out I’ve ovbs given up smoking, drinking and limit my caffeine intake etc. Before this we both used to enjoy going out with friends and drinking on weekends as our friendship circles merged years ago, I still attend some of these events but drive and tend to leave after an hour or so. I’ve suffered with HG throughout this pregnancy so already feel vulnerable as I’ve not been able to be as independent as I was and it’s effected work, my social life etc because I’ve been so poorly.

Since I’ve found out my DP has been out drinking every weekend particularly this month and over Christmas. He’s only once managed to come home at a sensible time and that is due to a taxi being booked at 12pm with his friends otherwise it would have cost him a fortune to come home as it was out of the area. Once. I’m awake now waiting for him to stagger in and literally so annoyed laid here. I’ve text and rang him and he’s drunkenly asked me to pick him up which quite frankly I’ve told him to fuck off. Now I’m not a control freak and encourage him to go out and meet up with friends etc however, AIBU for wanting him to come home at a sensible time? I.e when the pubs close? He’s at our friends house where everyone tends to go after a night out, I feel like I’ve massively matured as I can’t ever imagine myself falling into that cycle again and coming home at silly o’clock even if he was looking after DC. I worry he won’t have a problem as he’s still doing it now, it’s 5am fgs I dropped him off at 8pm.

I feel like he’s taking the complete piss out of me. I’ve told him so many times and it’s always the same response “I’ll stop drinking at the end of Feb” “I’ll stop smoking before Christmas/my birthday/Feb” it’s never I’m sorry for being an arsehole or at least telling you I’m staying out longer. Tonight he told he was having a few drinks and will be home at a reasonable time. I’m shocked he’s behaving like this as he’s been wanting children for years and it was me holding back until I had an established career and something I could go back to easily once my mat leave finished. Thankfully I have.!

I’m thinking of telling him bluntly that this is the end to this stupid teenage behaviour he’s pulling. I’m still happy for him to go out with friends but must be home by 1am at the latest? I feel like I’m being controlling but I’m at my wits end. What if something happened! I’m 31 weeks and worried something might happen. AIBU?

Sorry for the rant but I’m a raging, hormonal pregnant lady at the moment ready to explode - which I don’t want to. He’s definitely in the spare bedroom tonight and best thing he’s apparently got work tomorrow at 1pm

No not every weekend in fact it hasn't been 6am for a while but if I decide to go out next weekend and stay out that would be ok.

I don't think staying out every single weekend until that time is great behaviour but I don't think going out once a week is awful either.

I think some people are overreacting and talking about him having a drink problem and saying he must be on drugs if he's staying out all night. I'm just trying to encourage a little perspective.

As I said earlier, I think as the OP gets closer then he definitely needs to curb his partying and be available and supportive.

Ethel

I don’t expect him to call me when he’s coming home, I’ve never once said that and we’ve never done that either. I do expect a text to say I’m staying out longer and / or I won’t be heading to work tomorrow and they know. I didn’t have a clue where he was until I contacted him and again thinking about the work situation. As I’ve said my hormones are probably heightend but I’ll always give a shit to want to know he’s safe.

Fair enough if he didn’t have responsibilities but he does. 9 weeks is still a long way off but it’s not unheard of going into labour early and I’m worried about it anyway. It’s 9 weeks to be more sensible.. at the end of the day I’m not asking him to give up drinking for 9 years.

Please, all of the selfish male apologists on this thread, stop it. You are all colluding in a culture where men's needs are consistently prioritised above women's needs and it pisses me right off.

Reading this, I half wondered if I'd somehow written it myself last night and forgotten all about it - I can totally identify, right down to also being 31 weeks and DH being about the same age as yours.

My husband's great in the vast majority of ways and has been super supportive through this pregnancy, but he seems weirdly incapable of going out, having a few drinks and a bit of a laugh, and then coming home. He got back at 8am the other week! (Also at a mutual friend's house for the late part, no worries about what he was up to, just annoyed on principle).

To be fair, he's not out every weekend like yours seems to be, but when he is out, he goes all in. And if we're having a night in, he also tends to drink really quite heavily, which annoys me too - he's fairly sweet when drunk, but there's nothing worse than dealing with someone who's pissed when you're stone cold sober (and would quite like a drink yourself!)

I think it would be unreasonable - for you and for me - to say our husbands couldn't drink or couldn't go out with friends or to put really strict, arbitrary limits on it. But I don't think it's unreasonable to expect that they should voluntarily compromise a bit or to try to discuss it and set some basic, mutually agreed ground rules. Have a few drinks, then stop. Have fun with friends, then come home when the pubs close. Go out with friends on some nights, stay on with you on others.

At the very least, I think it's only fair to be honest in advance about whether it's going to be a "normal" night or a late night - not promise the former then do the opposite without any warning.

I do feel it's a bit odd that people expect pregnant women who usually have a lively social life and like a drink to 100% change their lifestyle for 9 months without complaint or slip up, while also acting like it's mean to expect fathers-to-be to make even slight changes in order to show a bit of support.

A little rant in response to your rant! Hopefully it at least helps to know you're not the only one. Hope the rest of the pregnancy goes well.

@NC2737381 Then I hope he really listens to you when you talk to him about how you're feeling. Maybe you can come to a compromise together for the next few weeks and agree a cut off where he doesn't drink. I'm not pregnant but I think I'd want him completely booze free from 35 weeks to ensure that he's there and in a good place to be supportive and ready to go if you go into labour.

Blow off steam - every single weekend, not letting your partner know where you are and when you’ll be back?

I don’t know about anyone else but my 31 weeks pregnant (admittedly with twins) I was in a lot of pain, exhausted and terrified - it’s the OP that’s carrying a baby and has to give birth soon, He needs to grow up.

She doesn’t necessarily have 10 weeks to go - one of mine spent two months in NICU, I met an endless stream of women who went into birth from this point on with no prior complications. How would he manage if he were off his face and she went into labour? Would he even check his phone? My DH didn’t get drunk at any point in my last trimester. I had to have an emcs at 35+1 as one of my babies stopped moving - it all happened very quickly with no warning, DH would probably have missed it all if he were out getting pissed when I needed to go to the hospital.

The idea of a woman going into labour and wasting mental and emotional energy on worrying how to get in touch with and chasing after a pissed husband makes my blood boil.

How much steam does he exactly have to blow off by getting wankered every weekend?

Plus there's all the little ways in which he's probably creating more "steam" for the OP. Drunk people aren't exactly tidy, and hungover people aren't great at tidying up!

Give him two choices at 36 weeks pregnant thats it no more out all hours as baby can come any time. In the mean time if he is out he answers his damn phone. He should return at a reasonable hour as you can't rest until he does which causes stress raises your bp and increases risk of pre-eclampsia. After the baby is born enough is enough once a month and back at a reasonable time. Tell him he WILL be on early morning duty witg baby the following day so if his not fit to care for his child their will be trouble. Option 2 is you tell him if he can not grow up you would rather start off as a single parent knowing your doing it alone than be walked over because he thinks his still 18

I just can't fathom why he's staying out that late to be honest. Why doesn't he want to do something with you? I'd worry he's going to carry on acting like a prat after the baby is born. And forget the midday lie ins. Make sure he's VERY aware those are a thing of the past when the baby is in the house.

OP I haven’t RTFT so I apologise but YANBU!!!

In your situation I would be equally annoyed! Why the hell should you sit at home feeling poorly alone whilst he sods off with his mates to get drunk! 😡😡😡

You both made the decision to have a child- THE LEAST he can do is spend bloody time with you on an evening!

I’d be having NONE of it and it’s not about control, it’s about the type of home/family life you have. I doubt he’ll stop after baby arrives!

I hear you OP. My OH used to be exactly the same & we had huge rows about it, he didn’t understand the waking with a jolt at 4am and realising they’re not there and no text, the worry is real and it ruins sleep. Not to mention the waste if a weekend to hangover. I tried to ask for a ‘home by sunrise’ curfew and a text to let me know he’s safe but in reality, it rarely happened or he’d promise on his life he’d be home by 2 and still rock up at 7am. The best I can offer is that he mostly grew out of it by 35 and now a couple of years later (I am now pregnant too) it’s once in a blue moon. I’m sure yours is doing it more because he’s on a time limit and it’ll get better. Hope so anyway!

Thanks everyone for your advice I’ve taken the majority on board. I thought I’d give an update as I know when I read thread and comment I like the know the outcome..

We had an in depth conversation finally as it’s usually been brushed off when I’ve mentioned it before. He did apologise and listen instead of jumping in when I’m trying to explain. I showed him several responses on this thread which I feel was another wake up call as the majority think he’s being selfish / childlike etc. As I touched upon in my OP I did say he was going to stop drinking by the end of Feb/early March in his own words. He thought this was enough time to be sober which I know a lot of you have said would be acceptable, my concern is I’m worried anyway, it’s our first baby and returning at 7am is taking the piss when he’s been out so much with little nagging from me until recently.

He’s acknowledged it & promised to stop drinking not next weekend, the one after which I’m happy about, it’s his best friends birthday so I’m not going to take that away, I’ll likely be there for a few hours before I’m half falling asleep! I’ve asked him to ensure his phone is not on silent (dunno if that really matters when you’re in a pub with the noise) but ultimately be aware that I may need him quicker than he thinks. To let me know he’s ok even if it’s a simple “I’m still out don’t worry” I don’t need war and peace on details of his night out. He has promised he’ll do this. He doesnt think Ill go into labour before 36 weeks as it’s “rare” I’ve told him there’s always that chance but that’s a different story! I’m relieved he’s finally acknowledged he has behaved like an idiot. I’m just looking for them actions now.

Re: the drugs he promised he never took anything. He’s never lied to me on that, so I do believe him. If I really wanted to know 100% I could ask a close friend who was there last night to check but I do trust him on that particularly as I’ve never thought he’d been on drugs before last night.

@Sera22 how strange! My DP is the same when drunk too he is a very pleasant drunk but like you say it’s annoying when you’re sober. Im sorry your OH is the same, it’s so frustrating because I don’t want to be this person who has to dictate his choices when it comes to alcohol, I just want him to think “right I’ve had enough now, I’m going home” and come back to me at a normal time. Not him spending all day in bed complaining about his headache etc.

Has your DP got any timescales of when he’s going to calm down on the drinking? Good luck with your pregnancy

@Melamine thanks for you post too, I completely agree about the worry of wondering where they are! I actually sleep better when he’s not in the bed as I can sprawl out so that’s not the issue it’s the worrying of where he is. It’s horrible. I’m hoping this has been the wake up call, all I can do is just wait to see how he behaves when it’s his friends birthday.

As awful as it is, it’s nice to hear of other people in similar situations!

Thanks @Sinkgirl I’ll be showing him your post! Sorry to hear about the emergency c section, I can’t imagine how terrifying that would be. I feel like I’m in limbo with this low lying placenta I just want to know if I’m having a section or a natural birth, not long to wait though.

I don't think it's even about promising to stop drinking, why does he want to stay out until 7am? It's like something a 17 year old does. Does he think he'll still be having major nights out with a newborn? Is he going to share the care?

Okay I really don’t get the drinking till stupid o clock & till you are so out of it. Yes you can go out have a few drinks and be home at a reasonable hour. I honestly do not understand🤷🏻‍♀️Why do you need to get so hammered that you are not in your senses? Some people puking / p.....g themselves. Waking up feeling miserable.. Anyone 🤷🏻‍♀️
What/where is the fun in it?

Surely you can let off steam or have downtime with a couple of drinks and chilling with your pals. I imagine the cost of drinks possibly taxi fares etc add up to a substantial amount.

OP just being pregnant I would imagine DP would want to spend time with you. This time when it is only you (& bump) the last few weeks where you are not responsible for a little being and just enjoy each other.

Please don’t bash me ...

I honestly hand on heart do not understand the exessive drinking/partying as being a way to chill ( possibly for younger 20yo’s who live for the party & don’t have much responsibilty in life)

No offence to anyone🌷

Sorry I got carried away 🙈 I have always wanted to know why people drink excessively🌷🌷🌷🌷probable wrong thread please remove of not appropriate!

@MiniCooperLover That's a bit ageist!

Hopefully once the baby is born they have both have their share of wild nights out if they choose. Many couples can and do find the balance.

@Hanab Honestly? It's fun. I like going out, dancing, doing shots with my friends, ending up in crappy bars at 4am chatting to randoms. Luckily so do my friends despite our advancing years.

Until you are puking everywhere Ethel?